


Broken and Shattered

by RileyChaser



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Graphic Description, Humor, Minor Character Death, Past Violence, Post-War, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, super slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-31 05:19:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 128,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13968162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RileyChaser/pseuds/RileyChaser
Summary: In a post WWIII world, Tobin Heath is out of the military and living the simple life in the mountains. She is a mechanic who focuses on two things: fixing cars and keeping her best friend Kelley on track. She may need a little work herself, but she is the best and only person for the job, at least that's what she thinks until the new town doctor, Dr. Press, walks into her life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU for sure. In a world where WWIII happened and the government collapsed there are small towns in North America where everyone works off of trade agreements. 
> 
> There will eventually be some graphic stuff coming from Tobin and Kelley's time in the war.
> 
> Also this was written in one night as kind of a test first chapter, so ignore the typos.

It was a simple job, a couple of bolts and a few turns of a wrench and it was all done. The simple jobs were the ones Tobin like the most. She liked when someone would bring her a trouble vehicle and she would figure it out within a few minutes and fix it without a single problem. Then she could move on to the next problem, or if it was the afternoon, like it was right now, she could clean up her tools and head inside to start the best part of her day, relaxing. 

Tobin pushed herself out from under the jacked up Jeep and sat up, looking out into the fenced in yard. It was green all the way to the fence line where the dirt road started, it was cold outside yet the grass was still a green as ever. She took the old dirty t-shirt from hanging on the bumper and wiped off her hands before cleaning off the wrench she was using. Using the bumper as leverage she pushed herself to her feet, turning to look at the large engine inside the big beast and smiled to herself. 

“You fix it?” A voice called out from behind her. 

She turned quickly to see her best friend Kelley walking up the dirt pathway towards the garage. She was in her typical brown dickies pants with the patches on the knees where she got the holes sewn up. She had on a light jacket covering up the long sleeve black shirt with the picture of a girl on the front. Her hair was up under a dirty hat that had seen way better days. This was the look Kelley normally sported, especially on days when she went to the river. Tobin was no better, she never really changed from coveralls and boots. She would wear a beanie in the cold and a hat when it was warm. The seasons were changing she she had on her black beanie pulled down low on her head but rolled in the front so she could see. 

“Yeah, just needed a few mounting bolts tightened down that’s all.” She looked back at the giant vehicle and slapped her hand down on the fender, “She should run like a champ now, no more rattling.”

“Great!” Kelley answered with the giant smile Tobin had grown to know and love, “It’s about quitting time, so, you know, let’s quit.”

Tobin let out a little laugh, her friend was always waiting for that point in the day when they could just kick back and enjoy the cool air up in the mountains. Tobin was always looking forward to that time too, but sometimes she did loose herself in a project, get too focused on a problem and the time would get away from her leaving her to clean up with only her dim shop lights and the moon light. 

“Did you finish Serva’s truck?” Kelley asked following Tobin into the garage while she put up her tools, “Zack was supposed to bring you that deer meat when you finished.”

Tobin set her tools in the correct draw, making sure to put it in the outlined spot, “Yeah, I finished it this morning, Servando will be around in a little while to pick it up.”

“And Zack?” Kelley asked again.

“What?” She looked over to her friend, “Oh, yeah he brought over the meat, 50lbs just like he said. I had him put it in the freezer.” She took another look at her friend standing in the doorway, “How was fishing?” 

“Excellent,” she answered with a cocky tone, sticking her chin in the air.

Tobin looked around her playfully noticing she had no fish in her hands, “Where’s the fish Kells?”

“I traded it,” she laughed, “I knew you’d fix that truck today, and I knew Zack would bring the meat, so I traded my ten pounder for two sixers and…” she held up a plastic container she had been hiding behind her back, “Fudge! Taylor Smith fudge.”

That peaked Tobin’s interest, she wiped her hands on her dark blue coveralls and rushed over to her best friend taking the plastic tub from her hand and cracking it just enough to smell what was inside, “Hmm, that smells so good.”

Kelley held up the two six packs of homemade beer in dark brown bottles, “Aren’t you glad I traded the fish?”

Tobin grabbed a beer from the pack and opened it taking a sip, “Yeah, for sure, this is way better than fish.” She took another sip and smiled at her friend, “But let me ask you, what would you have done if I didn’t fix the truck and Zack had never brought the meat?”

With a shrug Kelley cracked open a bed, “I don’t know, I guess it would be beer and fudge for dinner.”

“Dinner of champions.” Tobin laughed.

“Hey, we’ve had worse, and less.” She laughed along with her friend. “Besides I had faith in you Tobs, I knew you’d fix it.” She said with a quick wink.

They have had way less and way worse before they settled into the spot they were currently in. After the war, after they left, they wandered around the country for what seemed like forever, catching rides from whomever would offer, eating what they could find. It took them a month to hike up to the mountains and during that hike they only ate what they hunted, so homemade beer and fudge sounded a lot better then the night they ate a snake and drank rain water, which one gave them the worse stomach cramps they will never know and they both vowed to never test it out again.

The two friends had been through everything together, they were best friend since middle school and made the same dumb choice to sign up for the Marines when they were seventeen. They dragged their moms up to the office, signing Tobin who had turned seventeen two months ago and Kelley who was only a month behind her, up for the military when there was a war going on, when it was the worst part of the war. They didn’t choose a job that kept them back in the states, no they had to be apart of the action, they had to get shipped off somewhere to prove themselves. What did they get for all there dumb choices? A skill, a rifle, and images burned into their brains that they could never get out. Still, after the war was over, after the country and the economy collapsed, after the majority of the government was gone and everyone was left to their own devices, Tobin was a skilled mechanic that could fix anything with an engine and Kelley was an electrician that could fix anything that needed volts, amps and ohms, but was it all worth it, they still have yet to decide.

They set up a house in the mountains of what use to be Pennsylvania, where a bunch of people who worked off a trading system lived, and they set up shop. Their place wasn’t anything special, a two bedroom cottage with a working kitchen and bathroom. A place for them to relax and keep warm by a fire, drink a few drinks and try not to think about the things they had to do years ago. The built a garage that was half Tobin’s work shop and half Kelleys place to keep all the things she liked to tinker with whenever she couldn’t sleep, which was pretty much every night. Together they built a good relationship with all their neighbors and traded their skilled labor for goods, services and other items they needed to take care of themselves. It was three years later, and they had found some king of peace in their simple lives. 

 

The meat was cooking in the stove, the door of the house wide open so the two girls sitting on the porch steps could smell their food as it slowly roasted into something they would both enjoy. They were both on their second beer, not nearly the last one for the night, on opposite sides of each other with their backs against the railing, Kelley telling Tobin about her day at the river. 

“She didn’t catch a single thing all day, I kinda felt bad for her,” Kelley said with a little shrug, “She’s kind of a bad fisherman.”

“But she does make the best fudge in the world,” Tobin smiled, her eyes closing a little at the thought of the chocolaty treat waiting for her. 

Kelley nodded, “And she’s cute, so I guess she can be a bad fisherman.”

“You should just ask her out,” Tobin shrugged. “I mean you have been wanting to for like a year.”

She stood up from the steps, “I’m biding my time.”

Tobin shook her head, “You bide long enough and someone else is going to swoop in there.”

Kelley thought for a second before a big smile appeared on her face, “Nah, she’s digs me.” She answered simply before heading inside to check on the food in the oven. 

The town was a simple place to live, mostly couples settling down starting to have kids, raising a new generation in this strange land at this odd time out of place. Tobin and Kelley were some of the only single people around, but it didn’t bother them, well at least not Tobin. It was Kelley who always seemed to catch some kind of feelings for a local girl before they found someone else, then she would pout for a while before finding another beautiful face to be crazy about. Tobin wasn’t looking for anyone, not right now, not while she was still… messed up. Right now, she was looking for a simple time, simple problems to fix, simple things to think about, and girls were anything but simple. Loneliness hadn’t creeped up on her in a long time, sure in the first year it was hard, not having someone to go to sleep with, but soon her bed felt less empty and she enjoyed the big space all to herself. She had Kelley to talk to, to confide in, and right now that was good enough. 

“What time is Serva supposed to come over for the truck?” Kelley asked coming back out to sit on the steps.

Tobin looked up at the setting sun, then down to a stick she stuck in the ground in front of the house the shadow casted on the ground, “He said around five, so in like twenty minutes.”

Kelley threw her head back in frustration, “I hate when you do that, you know there is such thing as a watch.”

She started to laugh, “Yeah, well what time is it?”

Reluctantly Kelley pushed up her sleeve to see her watch, “It’s 4:38.”

“See, I don’t need a watch.” Tobin took a sip of her beer, “Besides I can’t wear it while I work, so there’s no point in wearing one to being with.”

“Put a clock in the garage, or outside the house or something.” 

“Why, I have my sundial.” 

Kelley pointed to the stick, “It’s not a sun dial, its a stick in the ground and I hate you.”

“No way, you love me.” She said with a big grin.

“Unfortunately.” The freckled face girl started to laugh with her friend. 

They sat for a few more minutes Tobin going over what she had to do to the truck in order to get it working and Kelley pretending like she understood what she was talking about. A few minutes later a girl was walking up to the house, she had bright blue eyes, a big smile and bounced a little as she walked. 

“Hey guys,” she said cheerfully.

Tobin stood up, “What’s going on Alex? I thought Servando was coming up here.”

“Yeah, he left this morning on a supply trip,” she answered shoving her hands in her jacket pocket, “He said I should pick up the truck.”

“Yeah, of course, it’s all ready to go.” Tobin said walking down the steps and heading towards the parked cars in the yard, “I changed out the coolant hose, and top off the fluids, so it shouldn’t over heat again.”

Alex walked over to the truck and put her hand on top of the hood looking at it like she was seeing and old friend, “Glad to see her in working condition again.” She looked over to Tobin and smiled, “Did Zack drop off the meat he owed Serva?”

Tobin looked back at the house thinking about the deer meat in the fridge and now some cooking in the oven, “Yeah, we are actually cooking some up right now. Do you wanna stay for dinner?”

“No, not tonight. I’m actually headed over to Allie’s to go over some work stuff.” She sighed a little, “No rest for the wicked I guess.”

“I guess so,” Tobin smirked. 

Kelley had made her way down to the truck after giving the food another check. “Hey Lex, I was actually hoping to talk to Serva about my 22cal. Will he be home tomorrow?”

Alex thought for a second, “Maybe, I don’t really know, he’s going pretty far south for some supplies. What’s going on with the gun?”

She held the weapon in her hands, “I think that hammer is on it’s last leg, it keeps misfiring on me. I was hoping Serva had some spare parts to fix it up.”

“I don’t know,” Alex shrugged, stepping closer the the girl with the weapon, “I can take it with me and have him look at it when he get’s back.” She turned to Tobin, “That’s something I was going to talk to you about actually. Meghan is going to do some work on out pipes tomorrow, one of them burst on us last night. Well, her generator is messed up again and she was going to ask you to take a look, maybe we can do another three way trade?”

Tobin cracked a smile, “I told Kling to get a diesel genny, I told her the gas ones are only good for part time use.” She looked over to Kelley who was silently pleading with her to take the deal. “Throw in two boxes of 45s?”  
Alex stuck out her hand, “Got yourself a deal.”

The mechanic stuck out her hand, still a little dirty from her days work and shook the other woman hand. “If you pass by Kling’s house, let her know I’ll be over there around noon tomorrow.”

“Can do,” the blue eyed girl said with a little smile. She took the keys to the truck from Tobin’s hand and got in the truck starting it up, “Sounds great Tobs, nice work.”

“Thanks, take it easy on her.” Tobin said half serious half kidding. 

Alex stuck her head out the window, “You got it.”

This would be the fifth three part trade she did with Servando and Alex, after all she was a teacher at the only school in town and Serva was a gunsmith, something Tobin never really needed. Guns were not something she liked, she had a revolver for protection if ever someone came into town looking for trouble, or if a wild animal got to a little to close for comfort, but other than that the gun just sat in the truck occasionally coming out for target practice and a cleaning. Kelley was the hunter in the group, though she never did it unless she had to, they got most of there meat from Zack Ertz, who was a skilled hunter, his wife Julie had the best vegetable crops in the whole town, they practically ran a grocery store from their house. 

Everyone in the town had a skill that they used to survive, Allie was Alex’s best friend and the only other teacher in the town, which was fine because the population was below two hundred and there were only thirty kids running around. Meghan, the third part of the recent three part trade was a plumber and her girlfriend Tiffany was a nurse. Around town there was a carpenter, a blacksmith, a few other farmers, and a lot of collectors who scavenged parts for others around the town. Other’s had other skills that they leant out but Tobin didn’t need a lot of help, after all she mostly stuck to herself. 

 

They spent the rest of the night eating dinner and talking about what they are going to do the next day. Tobin had planned to work on the truck that was giving her the most trouble in the morning, then head over to Meghan’s house to check out the generator even though she was pretty sure what the problem was. Kelley was talking about doing her normal checks on the solar panels that ran their house, and an install on a new house in the neighborhood before she would head to the center of town to look at the schools panels and to pick up some eggs from the little market they had set up. 

The town was built in a strange way, if you needed anything, most of the time you’d have to drive to someones house to get it. Most workers did their jobs out of garages, just like Tobin did, but some sold products in the town square, which wasn’t much of a square at all. It had three buildings, the school which held grades 1-12. The second building was the town hall where they all met once a month to discuss anything going on. The third house was the police/fire station that held the two cops and the volunteer fire department. There was hardly ever any crime, so the cops mostly handled disputes with other towns, the sherif acting like a mayor since there was no mayor. 

After the war, the federal government had collapsed leaving the states to try and take over their territories, which caused civil wars because no one could decided how they should live. In the south a government had formed, uniting everything from Texas to the west and Georgia to the east all the way from Florida in the south up to Virginia in the north. The rest of North America had broken apart and formed small towns that lived in harmony the majority of the time. Here in the little town without a name, simple known as Number 34 Northeast, everything was simple. People respected each other here, they gave without thinking, helped without being asked, and stayed clear of trouble. The simple life, exactly what Tobin wanted. 

 

xx

 

The nights used to be hard, when they first arrived in town, found their little house and decided that’s where they wanted to live, the nights were hard. The cottage was a one room place, they had a dirty couch to sleep on and nothing else. Those nights were hard, Kelley didn’t sleep, and Tobin had to listen to her breathing heavy all night. Soon after they got established as skilled worker they got help building rooms onto the cottage, and making beds for themselves, and now the nights weren’t so hard. Kelley still didn’t sleep much maybe two or three hours some nights, but Tobin was in her own room where she could have a little peace.

This night was no exception. After their fifth beer each Tobin went to her room to lay down, and Kelley stayed up listening to the radio. She enjoyed listening to the one program that played late at night, a soft gentle voice that read books on air. Television was gone, the internet was gone, but the radio was still there and it distracted Kelley from her thoughts at night. 

Tobin sat up for a few minutes listening to her friend crack open her sixth beer and settle down on the couch to listen to her program. Tobin always sat up to listen to Kelley before she could fall asleep herself, she needed to know what they girl was going to do in the night. Kelley would do one of three things, rarely she would find sleep while listening to the radio; she would go to the workshop, or run off. If she turned on the radio, she would listen all night, or some nights she would fall asleep. If she went to the workshop she would work all night, her eyes closing for an hour before she went back to work. If she ran off, she wouldn’t be back for days, it was just something she did. Kelley would leave for days, never tell Tobin where she was going and have no answers when she got back. Tobin got use to the idea, never questioning it, but always waiting to hear if it was a running kind of night. Tonight Kelley found rest for the first time in a few weeks, and that was always a good night. 

 

xx

 

By the time the sun was coming through the window Tobin was already up setting the pot on the stove to heat water for coffee. Kelley was still asleep on the couch, she wouldn’t be up until the smell of coffee woke her. In the three years they had lived together Tobin had seen Kelley sleep in her bed exactly three times, all three times being when Tobin carried her into the house after passing out on the lawn after a particularly rough night, but those days were long over now. 

She poured the coffee ground into the filter and slowly poured the water in letting the brew fill the air with one of the best smells in the world. After only a few minutes she heard her best friend waking up.

“Yum, coffee.” Kelley said stretching as she walked into the kitchen.

Tobin poured some of the liquid brew into a mug and handed it to her friend, “You slept.” She said in more of a statement then a question.

“Yeah, for a little while,” She sipped from her mug letting the liquid warm her, “She was reading ‘The Invisible Man’ last night, I passed out before the ending.”

Tobin was leaning against the counter top, sipping from her own mug, “I’m sure Allie has a copy, you can always borrow it.”

Kelley shrugged, “It’s not really about the book, I just like her voice.”

“She had a soothing voice.” Tobin agreed. 

No one was really sure who the girl on the radio was, it was a mystery to the whole town and a huge topic of discussion when the program first started. Kelley was a little obsessed with it for a while, talking to everyone in town trying to find the voice, but she never figured it out. The program had started a year after they got to town, it just came on a station one day and never stopped. A woman with a soothing voice reading books for five hours a night every night. She read every genre, it kind of sounded like she read whatever she could get her hands on really, never sticking to one thing for too long. Tobin listened in on the replays when they came on during the day, the radio station host recording her program and replaying them in the middle of the day for everyone to hear. Tobin enjoyed they way she read, they way each character had their own voice it made everything feel so real, like you were in the story. It was calming, and it was one of the only things that could help Kelley sleep.

“You headed over to Kling today?” Kelley asked. 

She nodded, “Yeah, I’m going to work on the truck for a bit, then head over. Ashlyn is supposed to be over later today to get the Jeep.”

Kelley popped up from her seat, “I need you to make sure Ash get’s my jacket. I need Ali to sew up the pockets, they both have holes in them now and I keep loosing my keys in the lining.”

Tobin started to crack up, “How did you manage that?”

“I wear my clothes hard Tobs, you know this.” The freckled face girl chuckled, “Can you make sure Ash get’s the jacket, it starting to get really cold and I need a thick jacket.”

“Yeah, just throw it in the Jeep on your way out and I’ll let her know.” She answered still laughing. 

“Thanks bud, you’re the best.”

 

Tobin spent a few hours trying to fix a truck that had a charging problem. The truck had been dropped off a few days ago and had been giving her problems ever since. Normally she would have fixed it by now, but other vehicles were brought in and the owner wasn’t in a rush to get the truck back so Tobin let it sit on the back burner. Today was no exception, after shocking herself once and cutting the tip of her index finger she gave up and headed over to Meghans house.

The drive wasn’t bad, everyone lived almost twenty minutes from each other so it gave her time to think. The whole town was so spread out you had to drive to most places, especially when it came to house, and Meghan’s house was one of the furthest away. Still she was in her beat up old Ford F-250 with her windows down and the cold air blowing on her face so she couldn’t really complain. 

She pulled into Meghans parking lot and jumped out the truck to meet a blonde hair girl on the porch of the wooden house. “Hey Tiff, how’s it going?”

“Not bad,” The girl responded, her bright green eyes shining the sun, “You here to look at the generator?”

Tobin pushed her hands in the pockets of coveralls, “Yup, do you know what’s going on with it?”

She stepped down from the porch, “No, Meghan said something about misfiring or something. I asked her to wait until you got here, but she wanted to get out to Serva’s and Alex’s early, she has two other houses to look at today.”

“No worries,” Tobin followed her to the back of the house, “I can figure it out.”

Tiffany was one of the nicest people Tobin had ever met. She had a way of making you feel so comfortable that you were willing to tell her almost anything, which was a good thing for a nurse. Tobin had come to see her once for stitches and found herself telling Tiff about her entire life, three hours later they were good friends. She was dating Meghan, had been since before Tobin knew them, and they were happy the way Tobin wished she could be one day when she was all fixed up and could find a girl. 

“Well, there it is still sitting there, broken yet again,” Tiff said with a smile, “Let me know if you need anything.”

Tobin walked past her to the machine sitting in it’s own little area, “Okay, I should be done in a little bit.”

The other woman left, Tobin was in the back yard with the thing she understood better than people. She opened up the panels and turned on the machine listening to it run, confirming what she had already thought. It was a misfire, but which cylinder out of the four and why was the real question she needed to answer. She went back to get her tools and start the diagnostic testing. 

Tobin always had other things on her mind while she worked, she was never completely focused on the task at had seeing as how she had done these jobs a million times. Today was no different, her mind was on Kelley and how she was doing. Sometimes on the nights when the hyperactive girl found sleep she could be a little bit of a handful, and she had a lot to do today. The whole town ran off of solar panels and generators, Kelley taking care of the panels, basically the whole town depended on both of them to have power. Hopefully today Kelley would have it together and be able to work on the panels at the school, the kids had been without lights for two days, and the parts were finally here and it was up to Kelley to install them. 

Tobin worried about her friend more than she worried about herself. It was her job to keep Kelley safe, to keep her in town, to keep her from doing stupid things. She had looked after Kelley since the day they met. Her best friend was a free spirit, always running off to do whatever she wanted to do at the time, it was up to Tobin to bring her back whenever she strayed too far. When they were approaching the end of high school it was up to Tobin to figure out what they were going to do for the rest of their lives. It was Tobin’s idea to sign up for the Marines, it was her idea to go to war and now she had to look after her friend even more. If she had never suggested the idea of the military Kelley’s life would have never been ruined and they would never be in this situation so Tobin had to take care of her, it’s what best friends do, it’s what sisters do.

 

It was only an hour later when Tobin found herself approaching the front porch looking for Tiffany to give her the diagnosis to her machine. She was about to go up the steps when she heard a soft voice calling out to her.

“Hey,” she voice said lightly, “I’m looking for Tiffany, you must be Meghan.”

Tobin turned around but before she could correct the woman the air was stolen from her lungs. She wanted to speak, she even tried to get the words out, but nothing came out, nothing was happening. The woman looked up at her with questioning eyes, making Tobin even more nervous. 

“Chris,” Tiffany called out from the house. She walked down the steps past Tobin and pulled the woman into a hug, “Hey, I forgot you were coming out so early.”

The woman hugged the shorter girl back and smiled, “I hope it’s okay.”

“Of course.” She turned to face Tobin, who was still in shock, “This is Tobin Heath, she’s the mechanic. Tobin this is Dr. Press.”

The woman stuck out her hand, “Christen, please no one calls me Dr. Press.”

Tobin nervously reached out for the woman hand giving it her best shake, “Nice to meet you.”

“Chris is the new doctor for the town, she just got in a few days ago,” Tiffany said with a happy tone, “Tobin is here fixing the generator, for what, the fifth time,”

Now a little more in her element Tobin nodded, “Yeah, I think so, I’m actually done, well at least I know what’s wrong with it.” She held up something small for the two women to see, “Spark plug is bad.”

Tiffany ran her hadn’t through her hair, “So tell me, how long will we be without it?”

“Not long,” she said happily, “It’s pretty common so I can probably find one tomorrow morning and replace it in the afternoon.”

“You’re the best,” she said throwing her arms around Tobin’s neck and squeezing her tight. She turned to Christen and smiled, “She’s the best, and super cute.”

Nervously, Christen put her hands in her jacket pocket, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now Tobin’s cheeks were red, she could feel them change colors, “Well, uh I should get going I have somethings to take care of today. Um, it was nice to meet you Doc.”

“Yeah, it was nice to meet you too.” She said with the best smile Tobin had ever seen in her life. “I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Tobin said with a grin. 

She started to walk away tripping over her own feet then laughing at herself before turning around to wave goodbye again. As she drove out of the yard she looked in her rear view mirror to see the woman again, watching her the whole time until she couldn’t see her anymore. 

 

Christen turned to the shorter girl standing beside her, “So that’s Tobin?”

“Yeah, that’s Tobin.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Kelley go see Dr. Press.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came out pretty quickly. They are short chapters, and I think I'll try and keep them around this length. Thank you everyone who encouraged me to keep the story going. I'm finishing up my other work, so it might be a few weeks before I can completely focus all the writing power on this, but updates will come as they play out in my brain. Thanks again so much for all the comments and kudus they mean so much.

It was late at night, or maybe early in the morning, the sky was still dark and the house had been quiet save for the soft voice of the radio reader in the living room echoing through the house. Tobin woke up from her sleep, this was the second time this week that she was snapped out of a dream, but it was a good thing because the dream she was having was not something she wanted to have. These kinds of dreams came sometimes, not every night, not every week even, but sometimes they would come and it would be almost a full night without sleep.

These dreams, faces of people in the past, technicolored faces, blurs at first before they came into sharp focus. Faces of the ones she loved, the ones she respected, the ones she wanted to see again, and the faces of those she didn’t know, but knew all too well. Flashes of scenes that would never go away like a movie haunting her, always on loop playing on the big screen in her mind. Images that she could never rid herself of. Maybe she didn’t deserve to get rid of those faces, those images, those scenes. Maybe she deserved to see them for the rest of her life, always there when she closed her eyes. Maybe this was just how it had to be, because of all the things, all those horrible things she had done. Maybe this was who she had to be now. 

Still, even with the idea, the thought that maybe this was how she had to be, she still woke up from those dreams, her body shaking and drenched in sweat. She sat up in bed, flipped on her light and began looking around the small room, naming the objects around her just to get her baring. Table, lamp, book, desk, dresser, picture, bed. She would repeat these things looking at each one in the very dim light the lamp gave off, breathing heavy until the mantra finally calmed her down. Then she would just sit, her head against the wood of the wall, her pillow pressed against her back, the blanket pulled up and bunched at her waist, she would breath easy and close her eyes just to see if the images were still there, and they were, so she would grab the book on her nightstand and open the pages to wherever she left off and start reading. Tonight was ‘A Clock Work Orange’ and she let herself get lost in the pages. 

 

xx

Kelley had been up all night, Tobin could tell because when she walked out her bedroom when the sun finally came up, Kelley was sitting in the living room with a bowl of oatmeal, a cup of coffee, and a smudge of dirt on her face. Even on just a few hours of sleep Tobin could tell her best friend had been in the workshop almost the full night. Last night while she was reading, Tobin heard the radio turn off and the front door creak open, she wondered if Kelley was going to run off that night, maybe spend a few days somewhere that Tobin didn’t know about, but the sound of the rusty hinges on the barn door reached her ears and she knew Kelley would be there when she finally got out of bed in the morning. 

“How was your night?” Kelley asked with a mouth full of oatmeal.

Tobin took the rubber band from her wrist and tied her hair up in a messy bun, “Not good, didn’t sleep much.”

“Nightmares,” she said knowing exactly what was going on with her best friend, “That’s twice this week.”

“I know,” the older girl answered, heading to the kitchen, “I think it’s just that time for me.”

Kelley nodded her head, knowing exactly how it is to not be able to sleep, “You can join me in the shop if you want.”

“I prefer to just relax,” Tobin said with a little laugh, “You have too much stimulation.”

“Or not enough,” Kelley answered wiggling her eyebrows. 

Tobin laughed at her friend as she poured herself a cup of coffee, Kelley had made it extra black this morning which was good because she needed something strong to get her through the day. She looked over to her friend, who was happily and silently enjoying her food, looking straight forward as she sat on the worn down grey couch. Kelley had a way of just being silent sometimes, she didn’t need the radio blasting or something to read, she could just sit and eat and not say a word, something Tobin always admired. Kelley may not have had the kind of peace that brought her sleep, but she had the kind that could bring her comfortable silence as she enjoyed the simple act of eating. Tobin sat down next to her friend, they exchanged silent smiles and then just sat down looking ahead at the patterns in the wood as the got through their morning. 

The bathroom in the cottage was small, with a sink, a toilet and a clawfoot tub they had built a pipe halo above so they could hang a shower curtain around it. Tobin didn’t remember ever taking a bath in the tub, always a shower, always as hot as she could get the water, which was pretty hot since she traded a whole car in order to get a fancy tankless water heater installed, that needed it’s own electrical circuit breaker. The whole thing was completely worth it on those cold nights when she had been working outside all day and she felt like her hands were frozen and the rest of her body was not far behind. She needed a shower this morning, something to wake her up, get her started, so she turned on the water to hot as hell and waited for the water to warm. 

There was a mirror hanging right above the sink, something Kelley found that had a big crack down the center, but still worked perfectly fine. She studied herself in the broken mirror, her long brown hair, that seemed so much darker now then when she was younger. Her deep brown eyes, that seemed to always have bags under them now, especially when she didn’t get any sleep. Still her skin was tan year round and her teeth were still as white as ever, so all in all the whole image wasn’t bad, she wasn’t bad, but she had been better. 

Back when she was just turning seventeen, when she was full of life and happy and curious about everything. Back when she had a since of duty, when she felt the obligation to save the world. Back then she looked better. Her hair was lighter from the sun, her skin a little darker from always being outside. She had a bright smile that she always wore, even bigger when she was out on the soccer field or riding her longboard down the hills of her home town. Back before she convinced her best friend to go to war, before she lost herself, before everything, she was better, she was brighter. Today was a different image of herself, still her, just different, older, wiser, broken. 

The hot water was exactly what she needed that morning. The chill was still in the air, coming through the small crack where the window didn’t quiet meet up with the seal. The hot water felt good on her muscles, relaxing her, getting her ready for another day of hard work. After her shower she suited up in her typical navy blue coveralls and a thin black beanie and headed out to the workshop.

 

xx

 

“Shit!”

It wasn’t really a scream, so much as a low growl. Tobin was under the jacked up truck with her hands in an odd positioned as she held herself up with only willpower and a tight core that was shaking more and more as she tried to finish the job she was currently working on. She had been working for a while, stopping only to eat a quick lunch and talk to Kelley for a bit. This particular job had been grating on her for almost two hours now. She spent most of the time cursing herself for not making some kind of support system to hold herself in a half seated positioned. Kelley had walked into the garage about an hour after she had started the job, she told Tobin she’d be in the workshop trying to fix a battery charger she found in the junk yard a few months ago, apparently she had found someone who needed it and they were willing to trade her something really special for it. They worked in silence, as they always did, Tobin listening to her best friend as she hummed along to the radio playing softly in the background, occasionally laughing at herself or cursing the thing she was working on. Tobin didn’t expect to hear the expletive shouted out, but now that it was said there was no ignoring it. 

Sliding out from under the truck, Tobin looked over to Kelley at her work bench. She squinted her eyes a little, not able to see too far without her glasses that she traded for a pair of work goggles because she was doing a really dirty job. Kelley’s back was turned, and she was a little hunched over grasping at towels sitting on the edge of the work bench. 

“What happened?” Tobin asked, starting to stand up to check on her. 

With a quick turn of her head Kelley gave the best smile she could, “Nothing, I’m fine. Do we have any tape?”

“Like duct tape?” She questioned with a little smirk, “I think so, why?”

She held up her arm that was being held by her other hand firmly, a brown rag being pressed to her forearm the knuckles on the holding hand turning white from the grip, “Just a little cut.”

Tobin finally made it to the bench, she could now see the droplets of blood on the cement floor, “How bad is it?”

“Not too bad,” she answered with a half smile on her lips, “Just a little one.”

That wasn’t enough for Tobin, she couldn’t trust Kelley to asses her old medical health, the last time she did that the freckled face girl had a 105 fever but kept insisting that she was just a little warm, it took Tobin and Tiffany holding her down to get an IV in her arm for the antibiotics she needed. Knowing the younger girls aversion to anything medical besides chatting up medical personal whenever they were in the military, Tobin took it upon herself to always check her out whenever Kelley suggested that everything was fine. 

Before she could say no, Tobin grabbed her arm and took off the rag, blood began to rush down her arm turning the once pale skin a dark red. 

“KO, are you serious, this is bad,” Tobin gasped putting the rag back on he arm, “You need to go see Tiff, right now.”

She waved her friend off, “You’re overreacting Tobs, I’m good I swear. Just get me the tape and maybe a cleaner rag than this, it’ll be good as new in a few days.”

“Absolutely not,” she reached across the work bench for another rag, one that didn’t have dirt stains on it, “Put this on it, and get in the damn truck.”

Tobin cleaned off her hands then grabbed a few more rags to try and keep as much blood as possible from the inside of her truck. She made Kelley hold her arm up, to much protest, before getting in the truck and driving the twenty minuets it took to get to the edge of town where Tiffany had set up a little medical center. As soon as the got in Tiffany directed them to the only exam room they had, and the two of them sat in the room waiting for their friend to come in and help them. 

“I can’t believe you wanted to just tape it up,” Tobin laughed, slouching in the armless chair in the corner of the room.

The bleeding girl turned and glared at her, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Tobin chuckled, “It’s a pretty big deal, dude.” 

“Hello, I am Dr. Press, and you must be… Tobin.” Shocked to see the girl sitting in the corner of the room Christen stopped reading the chart that was in her hands. “Hey, how are you?”

Sitting up in the chair Tobin cleared her throat, “I’m okay. How are you?”

A smile came on the doctors face before she had the time to even think about it, “I’m good.”

Kelley held up her arm, “I’m good too, you know, just a scratch.”

“Oh, hello, sorry,” Christen said finally breaking eye contact with the brunette in the corner, “You must be Kelley O’Hara.”

“I am indeed,” she answered with a big smile, “And I don’t need to be here. Tobin, who you seem to know already, is making a big deal out of nothing.”

“I’m not,” Tobin said like a little kid being accused of trouble making, she looked up at Christen and blushed, “I’m not really. She’s playing it down.”

“Nuh uh,” Kelley said sounding equally as childish, “She just wanted to get me to the doctor,” she turned to Tobin and talked through her teeth, “Not that I blame you.” 

Still blushing, the mechanic shook her head, “It’s bad.”

“It’s not,” Kelley said back.

Christen was giggling a bit at their banter, “Well how about I take a look. I’m a pretty good judge of what’s not a big deal and what is.”

Holding her arm close to her chest Kelley gave the doctor a serious look, “Will it hurt?”

“I’m not sure,” Christen smiled, “I haven’t seen the damage yet.”

“Jeez Kells, just show her the arm.” Tobin pleaded. 

Reluctantly the nervous girl held out her arm still covered in the rags keeping the blood from dripping all over her. She watched as Christen put on a pair of latex gloves then approached her slowly like she was trying not to scare a small animal. Kelley couldn’t help but notice that the doctor was pretty, with wavy dark brown hair pulled back in a loose bun, caramel colored skin and a pair of deep green eyes. She was the kind of pretty you noticed as soon as you saw her, but also you noticed how truly beautiful she was after some time looking at her. By the way her friend was squirming in the corner she knew Tobin had noticed it too. The first time in years Tobin was visibly awkward in the presence of a beautiful girl, which meant she probably had a little bit of a crush, which meant Kelley needed to be a good best friend and help the helpless girl out. 

Christen carefully removed the rag from Kelley’s arm, “Oh man, this is bad.”

“Told you,” Tobin said quickly, happy her original assessment was correct. She paused for a second scooting up to the edge of the chair, “Wait how bad?”

“Like loose the arm bad?” Kelley croaked out, “Don’t sugar coat it Doc, just give it to me straight.”

With a little laugh and a wave of her hand the doctor went right into soothing the patient and her concerned friend, “No, you’re not going to loose your arm, you just need stitches, like a bunch of them. Probably like ten or eleven.” She looked past the relieved girl to her friend, “You were right to bring her in.”

“Told ya KO,” Tobin said happily, 

“Whatever,” the girl pouted. 

The room went silent as Christen turned to her supply closet and got out the supplies she needed. Tobin watched her as she walked across the room, she kind of glided when she walked, like she was walking on air, or across water, or something. She had long legs, covered by a pair of jeans, not too tight, but enough to show the shape of her legs, not the Tobin was looking at her legs. She had on a long sleeved shirt, rolled up to her elbow, and a white coat that made her tanned skin look all the more appealing, not that she was looking at her in that way. Tobin wasn’t looking at her in anyway really, she was just studying her, checking her out, but not checking her out, just looking. 

“So how’d this happen?” Christen asked as she sat down in a roller stool next to the exam table. 

Kelley shrugged, “I was working and I had my cutter out, and I was point down with some force and I just slipped.”

Christen looked down at the cut as she sprayed the cleaning solution on the arm, “Must have been really sharp, this is a pretty clean cut.”

“Yeah, they are pretty sharp,” Kelley said with a little bit of cockiness in her voice, “We have dangerous jobs, Toby and I, we’re badasses.”

She looked up from the now cleaned arm and over to Tobin, “Badasses huh? I know you’re the mechanic, but what do you do?” She asked looking over to Kelley for just a second before glancing over at Tobin another time.

“I’m the electrician,” Kelley said proudly. “I fix and instal all the solar panels, and anything else people need.”

“So you’re the one I need to talk to about my lights,” She said taking a needle from the tray and holding it near Kelley’s arm.

“Wait, what’s that?” She asked pulling her arm away quickly. 

Christen flashed her a comforting smile, “Lidocaine, it’ll numb your arm for the stitches.”

“KO, give her your arm,” Tobin said shaking her head. She looked over to Christen. “She hates needles.”

The young doctor smiled knowingly, “Okay, how about you look away and I’ll tell you when it’s safe to look back.”

Kelley nodded her head, turning away from the doctor and releasing her cut arm. She closed her eyes tight as she felt pricks in her forearm around where the cut was. When she opened her eyes a little she could see Tobin looking over at Christen, not at her best friend arm, but the girl holding it. She turned her head a little to see Christen glancing a little at Tobin as she finally put the needle down.

“Okay badass, you can look now,” Christen chuckled. “Give that a second to work and I’ll stitch you up.”

She turned to see her arm, but most of all to see the doctor looking over to her friend in the corner, it was time to stop being a baby and help Tobin out. 

“So how long have you been in town?” Kelley asked trying to act casual.

Christen was preparing her equipment as she answered, “Two weeks now. I moved up here and set up the apartment above the medical center, Tiffany has been the absolute best person. I went to her house a few days ago to get a few things, that’s where I met Tobin. Sorry for thinking you were Meghan when we first met. I had heard of you from Tiffany, but I didn’t know it was you.”

“Tiff told you about me?” Tobin asked shocked by the statement.

“I mean, yeah,” she answered with a chuckle. “She told me about everyone really.”

Kelley perked up, “Did she tell you about me?”

“Yup,” she said happily, “She said you were a big baby who hates needles and would give me a hard time.” She joked. 

Tobin started to laugh, “That’s true.” 

“Whatever,” Kelley said shooting her friend a look, “What did she tell you about Tobs? That she’s a pain in my ass?”

The doctor giggled at the comment, “No, she said she was quiet…” she looked over to Tobin, “But sweet.”

The words hit Tobin like a tone of bricks, she never thought she ever wanted to hear those words, after all they didn’t mean much out of context, but hearing Christen say them somehow made butterflies start fluttering around in her stomach something crazy. She stuck her hands in her jacket pocket, lowering her head a bit hoping to hide the red in her cheeks. It was the first time she had been nervous in a long time, but it didn’t feel like real nerves, more like excitement or anxiousness in the best possible way. 

Christen and started stitching up Kelley’s arm, the whole time stealing looks at Tobin when she could. The looks didn’t go unnoticed by the one getting fixed up, she was waiting for Tobin to say something, but she never did, mostly because Tobin was not one to actually speak when she liked a girl, so Kelley took it upon herself to speak for her. 

“Do you have a car yet?” She asked as Christen pushed the curved needle through her skin. 

She looked up at her for just a second, “No, but I want to get one eventually. I need one, for house calls and all that.”

“Toby can help you with that,” She looked over to her friend who still had nothing to say.“She finds cars at the junk yard and fixes them up all the time. She can find you one for pretty cheap.”

“Oh I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Christen answered.

Kelley fielded the question, “It’s no problem. It’s what she does, right Tobin?”

Now she had no other choice, she had to snap out of the trance she was in and answer after all her name was called. “Yeah, I can do that.” She answered only half sure what she as agreeing to. 

“See, she’d love to help,” the freckled face girl was so proud of herself. 

With the last stitch Christen looked over to the nervous girl, “Thanks, I’ll be taking you up on that.”

Tobin had no idea how much time passed as she watched the doctor wrap a bandage around her friend arm, then give her instructions for care, all Tobin could think about was the next time she may get to see the woman, maybe a time without Kelley cutting her arm open. 

After Kelley was done promising to take care of her arm Christen left to room instructing them to meet her outside at the front desk, that was really just an old standalone office desk, to sign a few papers. 

“She’s cute,” Kelley said pulling her jacket on.

Tobin toyed with the zipper on her own jacket, “Yeah.”

“And really nice,” she said with a shrug. 

“Yeah, for sure,” Tobin walked to the door.

Kelley followed her, “Just saying, cute and nice are good things.”

She turned to her friend, “I know.” She pushed the door open to the front of the medical office. 

“I’m just saying, she’s cool,” Kelley continued. 

“I know KO, let’s just sign the papers,” She answered quickly in a hushed voice. 

Kelley held up her hands, “Fine, lets sign some papers.”

They walked over to the desk where their friend Tiffany was writing something in a giant book with a hard black cover.

“What’s the damage Tiff?” Kelley asked, trying to figure out what the two friends needed to do in order to repay the medical team for their services. 

Normally they worked on an IOU system when it came to Tiffany. There wasn’t much she could trade with seeing as a nurses skills were always needed on a random and unpredictable basses and there was no way to judge the cost of medical treatment. The town had a good system going with the people who had skills that had no real monetary value and couldn’t really be traded but the town needed them to survive, like doctors, teachers and emergency services. Sometimes Tiffany would come at them with a task for them to do, or something for them to pick her up from the many places they liked to go like junk yards of scrap yards. Both of them always liked to give Tiffany something for helping them, instead of just making promises, it just made them feel better about the whole thing, this way she had things to trade for supplies and other things she needed.

Tiffany looked up at them with a big smile, “Nothing, it’s all covered.”

“What do you mean covered?” Tobin asked. 

“Dr. Press is apart of the United Medical Corp, she has everything covered,” She told them.

Tobins blood ran cold, “The UMC?”

Christen came from the back office with a huge smile, “Yeah, all you need to do is sign the log that way I can claim you as a patient, track supplies and all that.”

Kelley looked over to Tobin, she knew what was going on in her head, and knew Tobin needed to get out of there as quickly as she could. “Cool, where do I sign.”

“Right here in the log book,” Tiffany said pointing down to the page in the huge black book.

“Okay, cool, see you guys later,” Kelley said after scribbling her name down. 

“Take care of that arm, use the ointment and come see me in a week,” Christen told Kelley sternly making the other girl smile. She looked over to Tobin, “See you later Tobin, I’ll be talking to you later about the car.”

Tobin gave a half smile, “Yeah.” She turned and headed for the door. 

 

Outside Kelley followed her friend to the truck getting in without saying a word, even though she wanted to talk, almost needed to talk about what just happened, calm Tobin before she got herself worked up. There were moments in time when it was best to let Tobin think, and let her work things out on her own before you could talk to her, let the dust settle for a few before you kicked it back up again. The look on her face, her lips tight until she would rest her elbow on the window seal of the truck and stick the knuckle of her pointer finger just between her teeth, biting down just enough to keep herself aware of what was going on and not get lost in her head, that look told Kelley to leave it alone, let her think. The wind was blowing through strong into the truck as they sped up the mountain, the fall air cold against her skin, and Kelley wanted to roll up the window, but it wasn’t the time to complain, it was time to let Tobin think.

Whenever they pulled into their plot of land, into the space of dark brown dirt where the truck was always parked and the sun never shined on the grass so it died off; when the truck was put in park Kelley finally opened her mouth to speak.

“United Medical Corp,” she said simply.

Tobin took the keys out of the ignition, “Yup.” She said getting out the vehicle slamming the door shut and walking towards the workshop.

Kelley got out and quickly rushed around the truck, “Tobin, dude.”

Tobin waved her hand behind her, not turning around, she didn’t want to talk, not right now. 

“Come one dude, she doesn’t know,” she rushed after her friend trying to catch up, trying to talk to her before she lost herself, “I mean come on, what is she like 23 or 24, she’s young…”

“We were young!” Tobin snapped finally turning around to see her friend, fighting back her anger, her tears, “We were young Kelley. We didn’t know. We didn’t understand.” She took a deep breath putting her hands on top of her head, taking the cold air into her lungs, “We were young.” She repeated again her eyes going glassy.

“I know,” Kelley said in a whisper, “I just think maybe…”

“I have to get this truck done,” Tobin said cutting her friend off once again, “I said I would get it done today, and I need to get going it.”

She lowered her head, there was no talking to Tobin, not when she was like this. “Okay dude. I’m going to go rest. I’ll cook dinner in a little while.”

“Sounds good Kels,” Was all she could get out before she turned for the workshop.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Tobin and Kelley's relationship, and a small look into Tobin's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I finished my other work, and now I can actually sit and work on this one. I have a few chapters tee'd up so this should be a weekly thing.  
> Thanks for reading and ignore any typos.

The sun was setting, the pink color that shows up when the sun is finally disappearing was starting to take over the sky, the clouds were long and thin letting the light still poke through just a bit. The air was cold, just hitting the point where you can start to see your breath. Kelley looked out above the buildings in the town, she was sitting on top of the school, she had finished hooking up the solar panels ten minutes ago, but stayed on the roof to enjoy the sun set. It was a long day of work, and it was nice to enjoy the colors in the sky before she set off back home, with Tobin, who still wasn’t speaking. 

It had been three weeks since she cut open her hand, three weeks since they talked to the new doctor in town and found out she was UMC. It had been three weeks since her best friend shut down, stopped talking all together. 

Tobin spent most her day in the garage working on trucks, she worked so much she fixed everything she had in shop for other people and started working on building a truck for herself. It was all to keep busy, to keep her mind off what she needed to deal with, to keep Kelley from asking her a billion questions, to keep calm and collected and focused on their new life. Kelley didn’t mind too much, after all there were times when she needed to be alone, to not talk, and Tobin was always calmly waiting for her to open up, so the very least she could do was to wait for her best friend to pull herself out of the hole she had sunk into. 

As the sky finally turned dark and the one light in the center of town turned on Kelley gathered her tools and climbed down the ladder. She started to put all her equipment back on her work truck when a voice called out to her. She turned to see the doctor walking from the clinic.

“Hey Doc,” she smiled to the women. 

Christen pushed her hands in her jacket pockets, “How are you? How’s the hand?”

Kelley looked down at her hand, it was still wrapped up, but it had a lot less on it now that the cut was mostly healed, “I’m good, the hands works like new,” she laughed. “How are you? Cold?”

“Oh yes,” she chuckled holding her jacket a little closer to her, “How cold does it get up here?”

“Colder than this,” she laughed, “The heating should work in your building. You live above the clinic right?”

Christen turned to look at the building, her apartment was on the second floor, “Yeah, I finally have it cleaned out and can actually move around in there.”

“So, you’re all settled,” she said excitedly. 

“Almost,” she lowered her head, “I just need a car, I was hoping I would see Tobin around.”

Kelley leaned against her truck and pushed her hands in her jacket pocket, “Yeah, she’s been pretty busy these last few weeks.” 

“I figured she was a busy person, being the only mechanic in town,” she felt a little awkward, she had been asking around for Tobin for a few weeks, “Do you think I can go see her tomorrow?”

“I’m ah...” Kelley had no idea how to go about this, how to explain why seeing Tobin may not be the greatest idea, but she had to try. “You’re part of the UMC,” she stated. 

Christen looked up at her with knitted eyebrows, “Yeah, that’s why I’m up here.”

“That makes you a citizen,” she said firmly. “Did you know Tobin and I were in the military, the Marines?”

The question hit the young doctor like a ton of bricks, “No, I didn’t know.”

Kelley stood up straight and turned her gaze away from the women in front of her, something inside her not able to look at the doctor while she spoke, “Yeah, we left a few years ago, but we were… We went a lot of places…” she lowered her head, “North Korea, Russia, Venezuela.”

“I…” she hesitated to speak, knowing she could give the wrong answer to the girl clearly trying to make a point. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s not something we share,” she looked up and gave a half smile, wanting to let the women know that she didn’t need to be pitied, that she was only trying to give information, “Tobin she uh… Well she might need a while.”

Christen took a deep breath and tried to muster up a smile, “Of course.”

She walked over to the driver’s side of the truck and gripped the cold metal handle, “Hey Doc,” she called out. 

“Yeah?” she asked in a hopeful tone. 

Kelley paused, she wasn’t sure about her next words, if they were warranted, if they should be said, but she had a feeling like maybe they needed to be said, “Tobin, she’s good… You know, she’s a good one.”

A smile came across her face, “I can tell.”

That was all that needed to be said in that moment, they both understood the other and knew what needed to happen. Kelley got in her truck and took off towards the long dark road to her house, and Christen headed up to her apartment for the night. 

 

Kelley took her time on the drive, ideas still floating around in her head. She had known Tobin her entire life, they had stuck by each other in the best of times and the very worst of times, there wasn’t a single person in her life that had seen more of her, experience more with her, or knew more about her. Tobin was the one person in her life that she could count on for anything and everything, still their relationship was lopsided, the burden falling on Tobin heavily. 

Over the years, Tobin was the one to pick her up off the ground, literally and figuratively, Tobin carried her, wiped her off and set her back on the right path. There were times when Tobin needed to be carried, drunks nights that she would cry and drink herself to sleep, and Kelley would pick her up and drag her to bed. There were days when she needed to be pulled out of bed, dressed and slapped in the face enough times to get her to focus on the mission, but those days were all but gone. Now there were just nights when Tobin would wake up screaming, but as long as it stopped within a few minutes Kelley always left it alone, knowing Tobin didn’t want to look weak. 

Right now, that compulsion to keep a strong front was strong with her friend. It had been a very long times since there was a woman that made Tobin look up, made her notice, made her talk, and in that office three weeks ago Tobin noticed the doctor. The blow, finding out the beautiful, kind, and obviously smart woman was a citizen smacked the broken girl in her face, forcing her to think about the past, something they had been running from for a long time. So Tobin put up a wall, she built it high and strong, and Kelley was only allowed to sit on top and watch her friend struggle to fight the feelings inside. 

 

She pulled into the yard, parked her car in her usual spot and looked over to the garage that was still lit up, music coming from the radio, punk rock that would drown out all noise outside and inside Tobin’s head. She shut down the truck and walked over to see a pair of legs sticking out from under a jacked up truck. She waited for a pause in the song before speaking. 

“Hey dude,” she said quickly before the next song started. 

Tobin slid out from under the truck and nodded in Kelley’s general direction. That was the best she could offer right now. She grabbed the remote out of her pocket and turned down the music.

“How’s she looking?” Kelley asked hoping to get a few words from her friend, when Tobin gave a quick thumbs up, Kelley took a breath and decided to say the one thing she knew would get her friend to talk. “Saw the doc today, she asked about you.”

Tobin looked over to her friend, eyes wide. This was the first time they had mentioned the doctor, the first time she was forced to think about her. She had spent weeks trying to push the woman out of her mind and all the thoughts that came with her. 

“Okay,” was all Tobin said, then slid under the truck again, trying her hardest to avoid the conversation. 

Kelley leaned against the garage door, “She’s looking for a car, you know for work.”

Tobin reached up and started to tighten a loose bolt with her wrench, “Okay.”

It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing, “Well, she asked if she could see you tomorrow.”

That made Tobin freeze, the thought of seeing the doctor burned her up inside. “No,” she said firmly. 

“Yeah, that’s what I told her,” Kelley pushed her head back so it was against the wood of the door frame. “But she will need to see you eventually.”

“Why?” she scoffed. 

“She needs a car,” Kelley chuckled lightly, “You’re the mechanic Tobin, you’re the one who gives people cars.”

“Oh,” She breathed out, “Okay.”

That was all that she was going to get right now, at least Tobin was talking, at least she didn’t shut down completely.

“Okay, so yeah, I told her to give you a little while,” she shrugged, then quickly added, “I didn’t tell her why or anything.”

“Great,” Tobin huffed. 

She stood up and turned, “Well, I’m going to make some dinner, come eat when you’re done.”

“Okay.” She said quickly, looking down to see Kelley walk out the garage. She turned the music back up and let the loud squeal of the guitar take her out of the conversation. 

 

Tobin slide out from under the truck, she had rebuilt the engine and bolted down, a few more steps to go before she had the thing running. It was a project that she picked up about a year ago, a 1996 Ford pickup that had seen better days, but it was a solid body and a great frame all it needed was a new drive train, a huge project that would keep her busy for a while. Throughout the year she only had a few chances to work on it, the people of the town brining her things to fix took up most of her time, but she had time now. She had been in the garage for almost eighteen hours, only stopping for an hour to eat lunch, then she was back under the truck working away trying to take her mind off what was really bothering her. 

They never talked about the war, not a single time after they got their discharge papers. The whole time they were hitch hiking from the base up to the North East they never talked about what happened to them, what they had to do, what they were forced to do. They talked about home, about high school and their teenage years, the last two that were stolen from them, the war forcing them to grow up at eighteen. The only time they hinted at the subject was when they were drunk, and not normal drunk, completely obliterated having no idea what they were saying, knowing they would black out and forget. The subject didn’t need to be discussed, or maybe it did, either way they never talked about it. The day they settled in town, the moment they realized they had a home in mountains, they shut out everything that had to do with their past and decided, unspoken, to never talk about their times in the military. 

As Tobin cleaned up her tools, wiping the grease and dirt from her ratchet and placing it in her toolbox, she had a flash, a sudden thought, a memory of being screamed out during technical school, were she was trained to be a mechanic. A huge guy in his dark green coveralls running up to her and throwing over her toolbox, shocking her into standing at attention until he was done screaming in her face. She couldn’t understand him at first, his words were running together, and her brain couldn’t keep up, but eventually she realized he was yelling about dirt on her tools. She was learning to install an injector in an engine and got a little bit of dirt on her wrench, in the process she forgot to wipe down the tool before placing it back in the box, and her sergeant was having none of it. In a flash the overgrown bear of a man was flipping her entire box over all her tools falling to the floor and Tobin had to stand screaming ‘Aye Sir’ back at the man until he finally left. It took her an hour to put her box back together, no one was allowed to help, everyone else went on with the lesson as she matched tool numbers with the ones marked in the box. From that time on, even now when she was out of uniform, out of the military, she never forgot to wipe down her tools before placing it neatly in its spot, the voice echoing in her head.

She shut the lights out on the garage and walked over to the house. Kelley was inside singing to herself as she stood next to the stove waiting on a steak to finish in the pan. She watched her for just a second letting the wall she had put up crack just a bit before she walked in. It had been three weeks, and Kelley deserved her friend back. 

Tobin walked into the house, over the fridge and grabbed a beer, cracking the top and taking a sip. “You got a steak cooking for me?” she asked with hopeful eyes. 

Kelley gave her a smile, “Yup, and I have some veggies baking in the oven.”

“Sounds good,” she replied, hoping Kelley understood that she was making an effort.

The attempt didn’t go unnoticed nor did it go unappreciated, “You got the truck running yet?” she asked trying to open a dialogue. 

“Nah,” she smiled, “Maybe tomorrow.”

 

-

 

The morning came without issue, Tobin didn’t wake up in the middle of the night; dreams of her past deciding not to haunt her, in fact she woke up without a dream which was one of the best things she could ask for. Kelley had already gone, most likely got the urge to fish early in the morning and took off before the sun came up. Tobin was alone, and sat outside on the porch steps to enjoy her morning coffee, listening to the birds wake up. 

She was halfway through her drink and thinking about eating something when a familiar face appeared in the distance. 

“Hey Toby,” Alex smiled as she made her way closer.

Tobin smiled back, “Hey Lex, what are you doing here?”

Alex stopped at the steps, “Checking on you.”

With that statement, Tobin leaned back on her elbows and nodded, “Kelley told you.”

“Of course she did,” Alex chuckled a bit then sat down on the first step. “What has you so messed up?”

This wasn’t much of a surprise, Alex was always checking on the two sad best friends. The young teacher was kind of like a mother hen, she kept track of the two of them the best she could, and always came when one of them was torturing themselves; Tobin was only shocked that it took her this long to make her way up to the cabin, but assumed she was respecting her space since Tobin was rarely the one who needed help. 

Tobin looked out onto her small piece of land, the air chilly in the morning, the sun creeping up, the trees still green but starting to show signs of the color change. This little space, the plot that she could call her own, it was peaceful, almost too peaceful to be upset while you were looking at it. 

“Nothing really,” she lied, trying to hold a strong front, but Alex wasn’t having it. She took a breath, “Does Serva ever talk about the war?”

Alex popped up a bit at the odd question. She took a second to think, “No, not to me.” She admitted, “But I heard him talking to Zach a few times.” She waited for a second hoping Tobin had more to say but when she was met with silence she continued. “He was in the Navy, so he spent most his time on a ship. He didn’t see the things you and Kelley saw.”

“But he saw things,” Tobin said quickly, not wanting to seem like she was somehow more entitled to be messed up than anyone else. “He saw stuff.” 

“He did,” she confirmed. 

She wanted to tell Tobin that it wasn’t really the same thing. Servando was on a ship when he fired his gun, he never had to look someone in the eye before pulling the trigger. Her husband was mostly noise sensitive, he couldn’t handle a lot of things going on around him. His haunting memories were mostly of the cries of people asking for help while they all had to just sit and watching them sink into the ocean. He spent most his time with ear plugs in, telling people it was because he was a gun smith and a bang could happen at any time, but Alex knew it was because he couldn’t hear outside voices without thinking of the voices he heard during the war. He read lips pretty well, and Alex got use to mouthing most of the things she said unless it was important for him to really hear her. 

This wasn’t Tobin and Kelley’s war, and she knew that. He two friends were haunted by visuals, the things they saw, the things they had to deal with up close and personal, and that’s why they spent most of their time staring off at the landscape, trying to replace those visuals with something better. These were things that she pieced together over time, after hearing bits and pieces from all the troops that lived in the town. She learned what freaked them out and actively tried to avoid it, just like everyone else in town. 

 

“Have you met the new doctor?” Tobin asked, easing into the conversation she knew Alex wasn’t going to leave without having, the woman was there to know what was wrong and she would figure it out eventually. 

Alex looked up at her, “Yeah, she’s really nice.”

“She’s UMC,” Tobin said almost casually. 

“That’s what had you worked up,” Alex stated, turning her body to face Tobin. “She’s not one of them, you know. She’s like twenty-four, there’s no way she was one of them.”

“Is she really that young?” Tobin sat up straight. 

“Yeah I was talking to Tiff about it the other day. Dr. Press is like a prodigy or something. She graduated high school at like thirteen or something insane like that.” She smiled up at the woman who visibly relax at the new information. “Toby she is a good person. You should talk to her, get to know her maybe.”

The idea circled around in her head, “I don’t know.”

Alex giggled at the now flustered woman, “She’s the doctor; eventually you’ll probably end up there, you might as well get on good terms with her.”

Tobin smiled, the first real one in weeks, “Yeah maybe.” She took a sip of her now cold coffee, “She needs a car.”

“This is your chance,” Alex said excitedly, “Go to town, talk to her.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” she said with a shrug. 

Alex reached up and slapped Tobin’s knee, “You can do this, I promise.”

They shared a small laugh and knowing looking, then started to talk about other things, Alex taking up time before she had to leave for the day, wanting to make sure Tobin was okay. 

Alex was a good person, and she was good for Tobin, always pushing her just enough that Tobin opened up, but not too much that she crossed a line. Sometimes, Tobin needed to be pushed, and sometimes she needed to be left alone, and Alex skated that line perfectly. 

Eventually Alex went on her way, and Tobin was left alone. 

She took the time to cook some eggs and toast some bread for breakfast. This was the first time in a few weeks that she cooked a meal, most of the time deciding to just eat some bread and cold meat, almost like she didn’t think she deserved a warm meal, the comfort it brought. While she ate she remembered all the times during the war when she would come in from the field and have a warm meal, sometimes going months eating some freeze dried crap from a plastic bag, eating coffee grounds to stay awake because they had no fire to make a real pot. After a long mission, they would come in to the make-shift chow hall, line up with their plastic trays and some poor sap on kitchen duty would slap some food down on their trays. They would go down the line, asking for everything they could get, and at the end, no matter what time of day, they would get a real cup of coffee, black (like their hearts, they would joke) and sit down on the benches to eat with a real fork and knife.

It was the small things that brought them pleasure, a warm meal, being indoors, sitting by a heater, watching a movie, talking to a pretty girl. Now, she could do all that, watch a movie, though she didn’t have a TV, but Kelley could fix one, if they wanted. She could be indoors all the time, though she spent most of her days outside. They had a heater, but she never really used it. She could eat a warm meal, but on days when she was down, when she was out, when she was beating herself up she would deprive herself, almost like she was putting herself back in time to the war when everything sucked, like she had to be miserable on the outside if she was miserable on the inside. But she was feeling better, so she ate her warm meal. Now maybe she should do other things, like talk to a pretty girl.

_Dr. Press is pretty._

She pushed the idea to the back of her mind, not letting something like that take over. She couldn’t talk to her, not like that. Maybe she could talk to her about a car, after all that was her job, she fixed cars, nothing wrong with helping out a new town member get a vehicle, especially a doctor, it was probably important that she had a way to get around town, help people, save lives and all that. Tobin was the town mechanic and the only way the doctor would get a car, go out, save lives, in a way Tobin was almost directly responsible for keeping the town healthy, so maybe she had to talk to the doctor, out of civic duty.

She settled the idea in her head, letting it find a safe place out of reach of all her negative thoughts, and she decided that she had to talk to the doctor, and she would do it, the next chance she got.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Kelley go to a town meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Ignore those typos.

Kelley strolled into the compound, the day had gotten away from her, she only meant to spend the morning down at the lake, but the sun was now hiding behind the mountain tops and she was finally coming home following the music blasting in the garage. A more upbeat playlist this time, some pop rock from the early 2000’s that all alternative kids couldn’t help but sing along to. The songs reminded her of her teenage years with Tobin, sitting around a skate park, dreaming of getting out of their small town, trying to convince girls to talk to them. It reminded her of a time when they were unbothered, the only worry they had was making it home in time for curfew, or making some extra cash to buy gear for their longboards. This was a time before they grew up too fast, had too much on their minds, saw way too much of the world. 

She walked over and saw Tobin under the truck, her dirty boots sticking up just enough to see her foot taping. Tobin was in a better mood. 

“Hey dude,” Kelley called out over the music. 

Tobin slide out from under the truck, “Hey, you’re back early.”

“Yeah, I came to change,” She said shoving her hands in her jacket pockets, “There’s a town meeting tonight.”

This made the mechanic sit up, “Really, but it’s not time for a meeting.”

“Apparently some shit is going down,” Kelley said raising her eyebrows dramatically, “Everyone is meeting up in an hour to talk about it.” She paused for a second, watching the confused look on her friends face. “You wanna go?”

Tobin grabbed the rag from her pocket and started cleaning the wrench in her hand, something to keep her hands busy as she thought. She just started feeling better, just started talking, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to be in a room with the whole town. She thought about everyone gathered around, talking loudly, that may not be the best environment for her right now. 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. 

“Come on Tobs, you’ve been cooped up for weeks,” Kelley cried out, “Just come down for the meeting, we can sit in the back. I’ll make sure no one talks to you.”

The look on her best friend was one Tobin knew well. Kelley wasn’t asking so Tobin would go, she was asking so Tobin would go with her, keep her company. Something was bothering her. This was the third time this week that she had spent the day at the lake, and by the looks of her, the way she was slightly swaying in place, she had been drinking. 

Kelley drank, that was part of her life, she never did it so much that it was a problem, but this was day number three that she arrived home with eyes glazed and a half smile hiding something sad inside her. Tobin felt her heart sink, something had been bothering her, but Tobin was too lost in her own drama to talk to her best friend, too far gone for Kelley to confide in her. She had best friend things to make up for, she needed Kelley to know that she was back, no more silent treatment, no more miserable alone time, she was back which meant it was okay for Kelley to talk to her again.

She stood up picking up the creeper she used to scoot under the truck, “Okay, but we’re sitting in the very back row.”

“Deal!” Kelley smiled. 

 

It didn’t take long for them to get cleaned up, well as cleaned up as they usually did. Kelley took a shower, she smelled like the lake, plus the water served to sober her up a bit. Tobin washed her hands and wiped some of the dirt from her face, but she didn’t change out of her coveralls, and she opted to put on a baseball hat instead of doing anything with her hair. That was about as much as either of them was willing to do, they always looked a little disheveled, and that was okay with them. 

Kelley talked the whole drive into town, Tobin learned why she was coming home drunk. She had met up with a few people at the river and they spent most of the day siting on the dock drinking beer and talking about old TV shows, of course their voices scaring all the fish away so they never actually caught anything. Now she was a little buzzed, and kind of giggly, and would not shut up. This was the cause of her being drunk, but it wasn’t the true meaning behind it, that would come later, once Kelley realized she was back to her old ways, and they could go back to being them. For now, Tobin accepted the guys at the lake story and just let her friend talk. 

The road was dark, Kelley had talked about setting up light on solar panels to light up the dirt roads at night, but never got around to doing it. Tobin was use to driving in the dark, not needing her high beams on the roads she knew so well. She could drive these roads blind. She had done it once; one of the worst nights she ever had, piss drunk with Kelley passed out in the passengers seat as Tobin rushed her to the nurse to get her stomach pumped. She was so pumped up on adrenaline she didn’t even remember taking all the turns to get them both their without crashing, she just remembered sitting in the medical office watching Kelley’s chest rise and fall, making sure she was still breathing. She wasn’t proud of that night, or the morning after, and since then, in the a small box under her bed, she kept all the medical supplies she needed to take care of Kelley if she ever got in that state again. 

 

They pulled into the small town, the main building surrounded by cars, all of them Tobin had fixed more than once. Kelley hopped out the truck and quickly found someone to talk to, since that was the mood she was in. 

“Alex,” she called out.

The brunette waved them over, “Hey, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Kelley chuckled, “Apparently it’s beef with the other town.”

“Oh, we haven’t had beef in a while,” Alex laughed and played into Kelley’s tipsy drama “Maybe we will have to rumble.”

“I’m sure if it comes down to a bout of fist to cuffs, old 34 will pull ahead.” She joked, pushing her sleeves up and holding up her fist.

Alex chuckled at the silly girl, “How could we lose?”

It had been over two years since the last time they had trouble with a neighboring town. Most of the towns in the area were just like their own, with their people doing the same things they all did. Tobin even liked the mechanic in Town 33, he was a grumpy old man, and always let Tobin look around his lot without actually talking, simple hello and a few words of bargaining whenever she found something she liked. 

The last time they had a problem, it was about gasoline rations, the other town was using more than they were allotted and a few towns put a stop to it. That was solved, and Tobin had seen the gas sheets at the central pump the other day, and everyone was using the appropriate amount so it couldn’t be about that again. 

They all walked into the town hall building. The inside was a dark brown bare wood, just like most of the buildings in town. There were two huge ceiling fans, Kelley installed a year ago to keep the place cool during the summer, and lights on the walls illuminating the room. The chairs, all hand built by the town carpenter, were set out in neat rows, and were starting to fill up with the people. 

Tobin looked at the back right corner, it was empty, the perfect spot for them to sit. It was tucked away, close to the back wall and the side wall, and far away from any tables that held a few snacks, an obvious gathering place for people looking to chat. She tapped Kelley on the shoulder and pointed to the seats letting her friend know that she was going to sit down, choosing not to socialize in the few minutes they had before the meeting was scheduled to begin. As she made her way down the row and sat down in the seat, she looked up at the stage and saw a familiar face.

Dr. Press was standing up front with Tiffany talking quietly about something. Tobin watched as she spoke, she was saying something serious, Tobin could tell because she had her eyebrows knitted together and when she wasn’t talking her lips were pressed together. Even though she seemed to be bothered by whatever she was talking about she still had a glow about her. Maybe it was the lights hitting her just the right way, or the slight pink tint to her cheeks from the cold; whatever it was she looked nice. She was dressed in a white button up shirt that fitted her perfectly, and a pair of blue jeans that showed off her toned legs. Tobin couldn’t help but notice that she was tall, not intimidatingly so, tall in a nice way. She also had nice hair, it was pulled back into a bun, but Tobin noticed it was curly, some of the strains starting to return to their curly state despite being tide back. And when she did smile, which she did once, it was nice, comforting. Tobin could tell why people liked her.

Kelley plopped down in the chair next to Tobin snapping her out of her thoughts. She looked up front to notice the young doctor, then over to her friend who was now studying the grain in the wood walls. 

“Dr. Press is here,” Kelley whispered. 

Tobin didn’t look over to her friend, knowing she couldn’t play into what Kelley was trying to do, “Maybe she is here for a medical reason.”

“Maybe,” Kelley stated, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “She looks nice.”

“Mmhmm,” Tobin answered, continuing looking over at the wall. 

Before they could say anything else, the sheriff was standing in front calling everyone to their seats, the meeting was starting which meant Tobin could look up front again. 

“So, I don’t know if any of you have heard, but we are having an issue with Town 35,” the short man said in a deep scratchy voice, “The problem is the farms that are close to ours. They are choosing to use pesticides on their crops, and the chemicals are spilling over to our crops. Not to mention the chemicals are seeping into the ground. Now we have asked them to stop using pesticides on the fields close to ours, but they have… declined, to put it nicely.”

“They gave you the finger?” Kelley called out.

The crowd started to chuckle, that made Dr. Press laugh and look over to Kelley, which made Tobin’s cheeks suddenly warm now that the doctor knew she was in the crowd. 

“Basically,” the sheriff said shaking his head at Kelley’s antics, “I don’t know much about the chemicals they are using, so I brought the doc up with me to explain some things.” 

Christen walked to the center and looked out into the crowd, “So the type of pesticides they are using are harmless in small doses, but if you are anywhere near the fields when they spray they can cause some problems. If the wind picks up when they spray, then they mist can possible come into town. So if anyone is feeling sick, such as dizziness, nausea, blurry vision, vomiting, or anything like that, they need to come see Nurse Tiffany and I as soon as possible.” She explained calmly. “We are working with the other town to figure out a way to keep all of our people safe, but until then some of you might have some issues. So make sure you are washing your food before you eat it. The fields close to the pesticides will be cleaned before sale, but it’s still good practice to wash everything. Also if you working in the fields, try not to come into direct contact with people or animals. Change your clothes before you settle in your house, or come into town, and don’t wear your boots inside, the chemicals can be tracked in from the dirt at the bottom of your shoes. Basically it’s time to take precautions if you work near the fields, but no one should panic, because like I said, in small doses the chemicals are harmless. Does anyone have any questions?”

It didn’t take long for the towns’ people to bombard the doctor and the sheriff with questions. Tobin sat in the back, her arms crossed, sunk low in her seat. She wasn’t concerned about the pesticides, not they way a lot of people seemed to be, she understood what was happening.

Town 35 had a bad season last year, caterpillars, millions of them, came from nowhere and destroyed half of their fields. 34 was lucky and only lost two fields, some tomatoes and sunflowers. The town didn’t have tomato sauce last year, but it wasn’t a big deal. The other town lost more than just a luxury, the lost feed for their livestock, causing three calves to die, meaning no milk for this year and the next. They were doing the only thing they knew how to do, protect their fields, and if that meant Tobin had to run water over her potatoes a few extra minutes, than what did it matter. 

She watched as the two people up front tried to calm the crowd; a bunch of farmers concerned their food wouldn’t be good for trade, the doctor assuring them it was fine and the sheriff telling them a thousand times that he was going to find a solution to the problem. After twenty minutes, the stress of worried towns people started to show on the young doctors face, after all how many different ways did she have to say that everything was going to be okay. Soon the sheriff ended to meeting even though some didn’t feel like a solution was met, but it was getting late and cold, and people wanted to go home. 

The town was dismissed, and Tobin took no time getting up from the back seat and heading towards the door before anyone had the idea to speak to her about anything. Kelley’s buzz was starting to wear off, and her yawns were coming more frequently, so she had no issue matching Tobin’s hurried speed out the door. 

“That was crazy,” Kelley said, letting out a huge breath. “They’re poisoning our food.”

“Don’t say that,” Tobin gave her friend a little shove. “You’ll get people all worked up again.”

“I’m just saying,” she held out her arms in a stretch. “We’re eating chemical corn.”

Tobin shook her head, chuckling under her breath, “You’re ridiculous.”

They were headed for the car, both of them ready to head home for the night, when someone called after them. 

“Tobin, Kelley,” a soft voice called. 

They both turned to see the doctor walking quickly towards them. Tobin looked over to Kelley, who had wide eyes.

The doctor gave them a small smile as she stop in front of them, “I thought I saw you two in the back.”

“Uh yeah,” Kelley spoke up. “Great speech, I feel safer now.”

She shook her head and smiled, “You’re the only one. Who knew a few chemicals would freak out so many people.”

“Well everything is organic here,” Kelley stated. “I can see why they’d be upset, but I think everyone might be overreacting a bit.”

“Yeah, a bit,” she looked nervously over to Tobin who hadn’t said a word. “Well, I just wanted to say hello, I’ll let you guys go.”

Kelley looked over to her friend, her black baseball hat was pushed low on her head, the brim almost covering her eyes, she had her hands shoved as far as they could go into the pockets of her dirty coveralls, Tobin wasn’t ready to speak. 

“Okay, then,” Kelley smiled, trying to reassure the doctor, “We’ll see you around.”

With that the two friends turned around and started walking towards their truck. Tobin reached out took her hat off and wiped her forehead before putting it back on, this time the brim sticking up in the air. She looked behind her, saw the doctor now engaged with someone else, looking annoyed by the conversation. She thought about the morning, about how she told herself she would talk to her about a car; first chance she got, she promised herself, and now she had a chance. It took a lot, but Tobin stopped in her tracks and turned around, taking a deep breath before heading over to the woman.

“Dr. Press?” Tobin said shyly.

She turned, a little shocked, but happy, “Hey Tobin.”

“Um…” she paused for a second, “Do you mind if I talk to you about something?”

“Sure,” she replied, then excused herself from her current conversation. “What’s up?”

Tobin looked back over to Kelley, who was giving her an encouraging smile. She could do this. 

“I remember you saying you need a car, and well, I’m the one who gets cars for people, so I can help you out… If you want.”

Christen couldn’t help the huge smile that appeared on her face, “That would be great. I don’t know much about cars, so any help I can get.”

“Well, you’ll be making trips up and down the mountain, so you’ll need something with four wheel drive. Something big, but decent on gas, and tough, maybe a jeep, or a bronco.” She fell back on her knowledge to push her through the conversation. 

“Whatever you recommend,” she replied sweetly.

Tobin suddenly felt nervous with the beautiful woman smiling at her, “Um, well I don’t have anything like that currently, but I can ask around and find something for you. It might be a few weeks, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine,” she replied looking into her eyes, “I’m not in a rush.”

“Okay,” she pushed her hands into her pockets, “I guess I can come see you when I find something, and then I can give you a timeline for when it will be done.”

“You can come see me anytime.” 

That made her smile, a nervous one, but a smile, “Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, yeah.” 

Tobin gave one last smile, then turned on her heels and walked towards her friend who was leaning against the truck. “Let’s go.”

“You did good kid,” Kelley told her, “I’m proud of you.”

“Shut up,” Tobin laughed, “Let’s go.”

 

They got all the way home without Kelley mentioning the step Tobin took in town, she talked, a lot, but not a single word about the doctor until the were in the compound and waking towards the house. 

“So?” Kelley sad in in a suggestive tone.

Tobin looked over at her, “So?”

“You talked to The Doc,” she held her arms out wide, a smile on her face to match. 

“I just told her I’d find a vehicle for her,” she pushed open the front door, “It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s a big deal Toby Tob,” Kelley chuckled followed by a big yawn, “Trust me.”

The tired girl plopped down on the couch, tucking the small throw pillow under her head. She yawned one more time before closing her eyes and dozing off, a smile still on her face. Tobin walked over and grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and laid it on top of her friend. Kelley would sleep tonight, it may have been from the help of liquor, but at least she would sleep. 

 

Tobin went to the kitchen and grabbed a coffee mug from the sink, rinsing it out and drinking some water from it before filling it again and bring it to her room. She stripped out of her coveralls, leaving only her grey t-shirt and boxers, before climbing into bed. She picked up her book opening to the last page she read, sinking down into her bed she read until her eyes couldn’t stay open. 

 

-

 

Again, the morning came easy, what was left of the birds were chirping in the trees, refusing to leave their cold homes until the last minute. The sun was coming through her blinds, again shining on the knot in the wood, so again Tobin smiled. When she got out of her room, the blanket from the couch was folded up neatly and laying on the back of the couch, Kelley was gone, again. 

Tobin had settled back into her routine, happily she drank her coffee, ate breakfast and started work on the truck. She spent all day listening to the songs of her youth, and installing parts on the big engine that look just about finished. 

No visitors this time, no one to come an question her peacefulness, no one to ask how she was. One of the things she hated most was being asked if she was okay. She didn’t want to lie to anyone, but she felt weak answering the question, she didn’t want help, not with her life, even if she needed it.

 _Are you okay?_

The phrase gave her chills. It made her feel weak. The only reason someone was asking if you were okay is if they knew that you weren’t. It almost seemed less rude to just say ‘You’re not okay,’ instead of asking. 

Tobin liked the directness of the military, she missed it sometimes, the frank honesty, the complete disregard for any mystery, the telling you straight up what **was** going on.

_You are injured._

She knew that phrase, it was something she had heard a few times. It was to the point, honest, no questions, just telling you that you are injured and you need help. Sometimes, when her breathing was heavy, when her mind was a spiderweb of guilt and pain, she wished someone would just come up to her and say ‘you are injured’ and take control of it, fix her, fix the brokenness in her mind the way they did with her body. That wouldn’t happen, so it was up to her, when they asked if she was oaky, it was up to her to stop in the moment, self diagnose, run a systems check on everything, and reply, ‘I am injured,’ no matter how hard it was. Maybe tonight, when Kelley came home, maybe she could say something.

 

It was dark outside, and Tobin was finishing up the simple meal she had cooked herself, when a loud noise came from outside. She jumped up from the table and walked out the front door. Kelley was on the porch, on the ground, smiling up at her. 

“I can’t takeoff muh boots,” she pointed down her feet and laughed. 

She was drunk.

Tobin bent down and slid her arms underneath her best friend pulling her up, “Come on, I’ll help you take them off.”

The overly intoxicated women sat in the rocking chair, letting out a giggle as she rocked too far back, “Tanks partner.”

Tobin worked on the double knotted laces as Kelley hiccuped and laughed. She looked up at her friend, “You reek, did you fall into the lake?”

“Nope,” she replied happily, “I helda fish.”

“Why would you do that?” Tobin smirked up at her. 

“Ta prova point.”

She pulled off the right boot and tossed it to the side, “And what point was that?”

“That I could holda fish,” she stated as if it was the obvious answer. 

Tobin shrugged, knowing her friend was prone to getting into strange competitions, “Well let’s get you in the shower, I don’t want you on the couch smelling like this.” She pulled off her left boot and threw it with its match.

“Aye, ma’am,” Kelley said with a serious face before busting out into a roaring laugh. 

Tobin dragged her friend into the bathroom and helped her take off her jacket and pants before Kelley pushed her out insisting she was capable of taking a shower without assistance. With that Tobin walked out the bathroom, and headed to Kelley's room, taking out a t-shirt and sweat pants for the girl to wear when she was done in the shower. She was about to sit outside the door when she heard a loud noise, forcing her to rush in. 

Kelley was sitting in the tub, the water pouring down on her. She had knocked over the shampoo bottle, and decided to just sit down whenever she went to pick it up. She looked up at Tobin and tried to smile, but it was short lived. 

“What’s going on?” Tobin asked in a sympathetic voice.

Kelley looked away, “I saw Taylor at da lake,” she pulled her knees to her chest, “She was kissin another girl.”

This was what had her friend so messed up. Tobin walked over to the tub and sat down, uncaring that the water was splashing on her, “I’m sorry,” was all she had to offer. 

“I shoulda known,” she took in a huge breath, trying not to cry, “The good ones don’t stay single long, ya know.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replied with a heavy heart, “I know.”

Tobin sat by the shower, letting her friend have a moment, but not leaving her alone, before she picked her up from the tub and dressed her. She closed the lid to the toilet and made Kelley sit down; taking a towel and drying her hair the best she could before combing it out. They didn’t talk, they didn’t need to, Tobin just needed to take care of her, they could talk later. 

She walked her friend out to the couch, laying her down and putting the blanket over her. She was about to leave when Kelley reached out and grabbed her hand. 

“I lost her,” she sobbed, tears falling from her eyes like a stream, “I should have saved her, we should have saved her.” She pulled on Tobin’s arms so hard the girl fell to her knees, “She’s gone. How can she be gone? I should have saved her.”

Tobin leaned forward pressing her forehead against her best friends, “It wasn’t your fault. You need to sleep, partner.”

“She’s…” Kelley took a huge breath, “I should’ve…” her head sunk into the pillow.

Tobin pulled back, looking down at her now passed out friend, “Sleep, sister.”

For the second night, she made her way to the kitchen, only this time it was to fill a glass and set it on the coffee table in front of Kelley. She took out a notepad and wrote a note, placing it on top of the glass so dust wouldn’t fall in it over night. 

**Wake me, before you go, please.**

Kelley would need to leave in the morning, run from this, but Tobin needed to know she was okay before she took off to hide from the memory. 

Climbing into bed, Tobin grabbed her book, and tried to read but her mind was filled with thoughts she didn’t want, memories of them in Arizona two months before they left for another country, another world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_The bar was crowded, more than usual, but there were more Marines on camp, than usual. A whole infantry battalion had come to Yuma, filling the base watering hole up with tough guys in tight shirts trying to find someone to hook up with before they were shipped off. This was Tobin and Kelley’s base, and their bar, so they sat in their usual booth, ordering rounds of shots with their friends, and discussing trivial things as their eyes scanned the room for a pretty face._

_Tobin was in the middle of the booth, she liked to sit center of their seven man group, somehow feeling safe and powerful at the same time with her friends surrounding her. She had on a black band t-shirt and a backwards hat, trying to look cool, yet effortless. They were in the middle of debating the best military movie when she spotted a girl at the bar. She pointed her out to Kelley, and a bet was made._

_Feeling confident, she got up from the table and headed to the bar. The girl as beautiful to say the very least, with long brown hair and tan skin. She was alone, which made this a little easier, and drinking beer, which meant she was down to earth._

_“Hey,” Tobin said planting herself next to the girl, “I’m Heath.” The girl looked over at her, the soft brown of her eyes almost knocking her to the ground. Tobin took a second to gather her thoughts before smiling at the girl, “Tobin Heath.”_

_“Nice to meet you,” she said in a friendly tone, “I’m Sofia.”_

_“Are you from Camp, or did you just ship in?” Tobin asked._

_She ran her finger down her glass, “I’m from here, but I just got here like two months ago.”_

_“Cool,” Tobin popped up. She quickly ordered a beer from the bartender then turned her attention back to the girl. “So what’s your MOS?”_

_“Legal,” she nodded like she knew what Tobin would think of it, “I’m a paralegal.”_

_Tobin smiled, “That’s awesome, I actually have a legal question, maybe you can help.”_

_“I can try,” she laughed. Her laugh was nice, smooth and meaningful._

_Taking a sip of her beer, the young mechanic tried her best game, “So if you make a bet with someone, and they lose, can you sue them if they refuse to follow through on it?”_

_She turned her entire body to Tobin, “Depends on the bet I guess,” she chuckled, “What are the circumstances?”_

_“Well, my friends bet me that I wouldn’t have to guts to come talk to you,” she said looking up through eye lashes trying to look as cute as possible, which worked because Sofia was now smiling bigger. “So if I ask you out then my friend has put together my service dress for next weeks ceremony.”_

_“Hmmm,” she placed a finger on her lips, “What happens if you loose?”_

_Tobin lowered her head, “I have to announce to the whole bar that she is better than me.”_

_“Tough one,” she giggled._

_She shook her head, “You have no idea.” Tobin could feel something, the way the girl was looking at her, there was something, so she took a chance. “So do you want to come have a drink with us? I promise they’ll be nice.”_

_Sofia looked over to the group who had been watching the whole exchange, then back to Tobin, “Sure, why not.”_

_Happily, Tobin lead her over to the booth, forcing her friends to scoot over so they could all sit together. “Hey guys this is Sofia.”_

_“Hello,” Kelley said slyly, “So you actually said yes to her?” Quick to mess with her best friend._

_Tobin stuck her chest all cocky, “Why are you shocked? I’m charming.”_

_“Actually,” Sofia cut her off, “She never actually asked me out, she just asked if I would have a drink with the group.”_

_Kelley stood up as much as the table in front of her would allow, “Hell yeah, you lose!”_

_“No way!” Tobin looked over to Sofia shocked, “Whose side are you on?”_

_“Side of the law,” she joked, “Now a bet is a bet.”_

_“Hell yeah!” Kelley cracked up, “I like this girl already.”_

_Tobin shook her head, looking over to the new girl in her life. She stood up and looked over to the DJ, a guy she worked with and made a signal for him to turn down the music. In the biggest voice she had, she announced._

_“Everyone, I am Private Heath, and this is Private O’Hara, and she is better than me…” she looked down at her friends all laughing at her._

_“And?” Kelley said waving her hand out to the bar._

_Tobin growled under her breath, “AND, I want to be like her when I grow up, after all, she is the one true grand master.”_

_The whole bar erupted in laughter, as Tobin took a fake bow and the music was turned back up. The throughly embarrassed girl sat down in the booth, sinking low. She looked over at the girl she had just met and smiled._

_“You did good,” Sofia whispered._

_Tobin leaned into her, “Will you go out with me sometime?”_

_“Yes,” She smiled._

_They all sat around for a bit, another round ordered, when Sofia looked across the bar and waved someone over. A tall girl with blonde hair came over and hugged her._

_“Hey, this is my friend Emily,” she stated to the group._

_Kelley popped out of her seat stretching out her hand, “I’m Kelley.”_

_“Nice to meet you,” she said a little shocked at how quickly the girl got to her._

_“Nice to meet you too.” She smiled as big as she had ever smiled._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tobin sat up in her bed, listening to the heavy breathing of her best friend, making sure it was still there, still steady. The memory of the night playing over again in her mind. A night they wouldn’t forget, a night that Kelley didn’t want to remember. They had planned to hang out, get drunk, have a good time. They didn’t plan on meeting the two women, they didn’t plan on getting to know them, getting attached. The never knew about getting shipped off.

What the hell was a paralegal and a civil affairs troop doing there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this will be a weekly thing, as long as I don't get behind in my writing. Thanks for reading my stuff and commenting, it means the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning comes and Kelley goes for a hike, leaving Tobin to figure some things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I appreciate it so much. As always, ignore the typos and enjoy.

A knock came in the morning, Tobin opened her eyes to see her friend, wrecked, standing in her door way. Her hair was half up, like she made an attempt to make it neat, but gave up halfway through. Her eyes blood shoot, so much so, the soft hazel that normally shined hope, was no longer visible through the color of a booze hangover and a night filled with crying. 

“I have to go,” Kelley said with a cracking voice. She looked down at her nails, pretending to clean them, anything to keep her from looking at Tobin, from seeing the disappointment in her face, “I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

Tobin sat up in her bed, swallowing hard, there wasn’t anything she could say or do to change her mind. “Okay,” she choked out, “Be safe.”

“Always,” she looked up and smiled at her best friend, “You too.”

“Yup.”

That was it, as much as it burned Tobin to see her friend walk away for what could be turn out to be months, at least she got a warning this time, a ‘see you later,’ a few words and a look that said everything that needed to be said. Kelley was busted, and she needed some time put herself back together, and Tobin had to be understanding, now more than ever. 

She just sat in bed as her friend walked out the door way. She leaned her head back on the wall as the front door opened, creaking, the hinges starting to get hints of corrosion now that the weather had changed, sending a chill over her. She wanted to get up, to run after her, to beg Kelley to stay, just one more day, get one more nights sleep before making the choice to leave, but that was impossible. 

Tobin sat under her still tucked in wool blanket, listening to the hinges of the door creak one more time as it shut behind her best friend, all she could think was she needed to find the oil spray to put on the hinges. If she didn’t spray them down now the metal would freeze over and it would be impossible to get in and out of the door without a loud noise that would wake up the house, not that the house was full, in fact it was empty, just her.

She looked down at her floorboards, looking for the sliver of light on the knot in the wood with the face that made her smile, but the sliver had moved slightly no longer showing the face in the floor boards. The birds that were hanging on to home had finally given up and headed south for the winter, no more chirps from outside the window. Tobin was truly alone in the house. Suddenly she didn’t feel like a warm breakfast and a cup of coffee, suddenly she felt like putting on her coveralls and fixing that old truck.

 

-

 

In her mind, Kelley knew leaving was the wrong thing to do. Tobin had just gotten her voice back, just came out of a dark hole, and she needed to be there for her, but she couldn’t. She passed out on the couch, drunk, so far gone she had no idea how she would ever get back. Memories haunting her, thoughts creeping up and pulling her back down to the spot she found herself in so many years ago, and she couldn’t let herself go there. The only cure for this crippling sadness was the forest, was isolation, was a few weeks of walking until her knees hurt, breathing in so much cold air her lungs ached. She just needed to get out of there for a little while, then she could take care of Tobin. 

She moved quickly to the back of the compound, past the fence line, and into the depth of the forest, the trees calling her home. She walked for a bit, the sun coming high into the sky, the clouds still denying the rays to reach the ground fully. She walked her normal trail, the one that would take her to a crossroads, that’s where she would choose her journey, if she was going the long road or the short road. 

As she climbed up a rock, only looking ahead to where she needed to be, a rustling came from a trail. No one should have been up there, not this time in the morning, not this season. She looked around to see someone crotched down digging in the dirt. 

“Hello?” Kelley called out taking a few steps closer to the person. 

She was relived to see the doctor pop up. 

“Kelley, hey,” she smiled over to her, “What are you doing out here?”

Kelley relaxed in her stance and returned the doctors smile, “I could ask you the same thing.”

She held up her hand, “Poplar buds, they’ve been used to help eczema and other kinds of rashes since the dawn of medicine. I have a patient, and the cream they are using isn’t quite cutting it. I figured we could try natures cure before pumping them full of pharmaceuticals.”

She took a few steps forward to examine the small un-bloomed flower buds in the doctors hands, “Sounds cool.”

Christen took a plastic bag out her pocket and dropped the buds inside, tucking it away in her pocket, “What are you doing out here so early?” She looked at the girl closely, the sad look on her face, the bloodshot eyes, “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” she said straightening her pack on her shoulders, “Just a little hungover.”

“Usually when people are hungover they don’t go on hikes,” She gave a comforting smile, “Is something going on? You can talk to me. I know you don’t know me, but I am a doctor, whatever you say to me, I can’t and won’t say to anyone else.”

Therapy wasn’t something Kelley ever thought about. She was forced to see someone when she was in the military, after events knocked the purpose out of her, but it she only went a few times, and it was pointless. She didn’t need to talk to some random person about her life. She needed the trees, the cold air against her cheeks, there was nothing a person could say to help her, not right now.

“I’m okay, just needed air,” she said taking a deep breath, exaggerating smelling the winters air.

With a knowing nod, Christen pushed her hands in her jacket pocket, “Okay, well just so you know, I’m here to talk… about anything.”

“I’m good Doc, thanks though,” she gave the best brave face she could muster, “I’ll see you later.”

“See you later,” there was no forcing people to talk, so Christen turned around and started to walk, until she heard Kelley call after her. 

Kelley lowered her head, ashamed to have called after the woman, ashamed to have had the thought that she needed to talk, ashamed of maybe needing someone to understand. 

“Can I ask you a question?” She asked in a low voice. 

“Of course,” Christen answered sweetly. 

She kicked at the dirt, digging the toe of her boot into the ground, “Do you know how to stop nightmares?”

“Do you have nightmares?” she asked.

“Sometimes,” she quickly pushed out, still not able to look up, “I don’t really sleep much, but when I do, sometimes I have nightmares.”

“How much do you sleep?” Christen wanted to move closer, but felt like the woman in front of her was much like a deer in this state, and maybe movement wasn’t the best idea, so she held her ground. 

“On average,” she thought for a second, deciding on if she should lie or not, trying to figure out if she really needed help, or if she just had a momentary lapse in judgment. “Couple hours…” she looked up at her, “A week.” She told the truth. 

Christen could no longer fight the urge to move, she stuck her hand out and touched the scared woman’s shoulder, “Oh, Kelley, that’s not good. Do you not sleep on purpose, because you’re afraid of the nightmares?”

She kicked at a rock stuck in the dirt, “Yeah, it’s just a habit now, I guess.”

“What are the nightmares about?” 

“Everything,” she huffed, not wanting to unpack everything standing in the forest, “How do I get rid of them?”

Christen pulled her hand back, sensing Kelley was ready to retreat, “Simple answer… face them.” She watched the woman looked up at her confused. “We use dreams to work out things we can’t face in our conscious mind. The only way to get rid of nightmares is to face what they are about.”

“Oh,” she sighed, “Kind of hoped there was a drink or something.” She tried to joke to lighten the situation. 

“No drink,” Christen smiled at the attempt at humor. “In fact you shouldn’t be drinking liquor at all. Passing out isn’t sleeping, it doesn’t provide the same type of rest, it doesn’t let you truly rest and reset.”

Kelley nodded, “Yeah I know.”

“If you ever want to talk about this,” she paused knowing how she would react to the helping hand, but she had a duty and by the looks of the woman in front of her, she had to offer, “If you want help facing these dreams, I’m here.”

Kelley stood up straight, fixed her pack and took a step back. “Yeah, thanks Doc, I appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” she said in a hopeful tone. 

 

Kelley waved goodbye and followed the trail further away from the town. She wanted to tell the doctor everything, something about the way she smiled, a kindness inside that smile that made Kelley want to spill her guts, but she couldn’t. If she sat down, if she talked to the doctor about her nightmares, about the bad thoughts, then she would have to dig into her past, the things that were buried so deep not even light could shine on them. If she talked, she would have to talk about Tobin, and that would hurt Tobin, and there was no feeling in the world, no matter how overwhelming, that would lead her to hurt Tobin, not like that, not ever. 

She looked up at the cross roads, her feet taking her to the spot while her brain focused on preventing her from turning around and crying into the doctors arms until she felt better. She looked to the right, but it didn’t feel like the path she needed to take. She looked to the left, the road was a little clearer, not so many leaves cover the trail, the short path, a week at the most, then she could get back to Tobin.

 

-

 

Tobin sat down in the cab of the truck, she had just spent two days putting the engine together, two days of non stop work, except the time she fell asleep underneath the truck. She had pieced it all together, every bolt in the right place. It was gassed up, batteries hooked up, and the key in the ignition. She turned the key and heard a click. 

She took a deep breath, then turned it again, still a just click.

She grabbed the keys out the ignition and threw them on the floor board, leaning back in the seat and letting out a loud scream. Two days of hard work and the damn thing wouldn’t even turn over, no life, nothing. 

Turning her head, she saw Kelley’s work bench it still had the clock she was working on laid out in pieces. It had been two days since her friend left, and Tobin trapped herself in the garage unable to move from the cold building, unable to take herself out of the sadness that Kelley left. 

She got out the truck and grabbed her wrench from the toolbox, ready to take the entire thing apart and rebuild it. If she had to break it down to the block again, that’s what she would do, anything to take her mind off what was really bothering her. 

Over the years she broke down and rebuilt hundreds of engines. She could remember the first one, the first time she was left alone to figure out a giant metal beast bigger than her and weighing ten times as much. It was her first year in at Camp Yuma, her first duty station, she had made a name for herself in the mechanics shop, the go to for engine troubles, Private Heath, the engine whisperer. A truck was brought in, it had been driven into a riven and now the engine was done, water logged, and locked up. Her sergeant came to her directly, told her she could rebuild it, that he had every confidence in her, and Tobin took on the project without hesitation. Broken down, and rebuilt in two weeks, purring like a wild jungle cat and sent back into the jungle without a single problem. Then a week later another engine rebuild came in, and again Tobin kicked its ass, and soon she wasn’t just the engine whisperer, soon she was The Rebuilder, and no engine could beat her. 

This one, this eight cylinder monster in this rusted truck, this piece of shit that she spent over two years finding each special part, trading favors and great finds for the fix to this engine, and today she thought she was done, but no. There was no fire, no roar, no purr, nothing but a click that signaled an electrical problem. A click and an empty sound that echoed in her mind. Today the engine had beaten her worse than she had beaten herself, and she wanted to scream, but that would mean admitting defeat, and she wouldn’t let that happen. So, determined to fix it, determined to not go back in the empty house without knowing the problem, Tobin grabbed her wrench and started turning a bolt when a sound came across the radio. 

**_{TH34 this is JB38, do you copy?}_ **

Tobin picked up the microphone to the short waved radio.

**_{JB38 this is TH34, I copy}_ **

**_{Hey, there! Just letting you know that I have what you are looking for. You’re welcome to come fish her out anytime.}_ **

That made her smile, finally some good news. 

**_{How does she look, JB?}_ **

**_{Dirty, needs love, but good.}_ **

**_{Thanks bud, I appreciate the call back. I’ll be up there sometime this week. See you then.}_ **

**_{You got it, see you soon enough. JB38 out.}_ **

**_{TH34 over and out.}_ **

She sat down in the chair at the desk, a smile still on her face, it was the first good news she got in two days. Somehow it served to take her mind off her friend, off her truck. Without thinking, she jumped in her shop truck and started to drive into town. 

The sun was starting to set on the mountain, and Tobin couldn’t help but think about the last convoy drive she was on. It was pitch black, they were instructed to only drive by night vision and cat-eye display. It was cold, the middle of winter in Russia, and the snow was coming down. She was wrapped in the best cold weather gear the military had to offer, yet her teeth were still clicking together. She looked over to the driver who was gripping the steering wheel so tight she could see the outline of his knuckles through his gloves. He was young, no more than eighteen, and Tobin was seasoned, she had done this before, but he hadn’t. 

She reached over, punching the kid in the arm. He looked over at her, his eyes filled with fear. 

“You gotta relax. You gotta think about something other than driving, that’s the only way to get through this.” She told him. 

He smiled, started to talk about home, his family, and Tobin shared bits and pieces of her, before they knew it they had arrived back at base, safe and sound. She helped him through one of the scariest parts of his life, and if she could do that, she could get herself through this. 

 

By the time she arrived the town was starting to shut down, the table in the center court getting packed up for the night, no one out to trade. Tobin walked out the truck, her feet taking her towards the hospital before her mind had a chance to catch up. She stopped a few yards ahead and looked through the window, there was a light on, but she couldn’t see anyone inside. Maybe everyone had gone home for the night, not that it mattered, she wasn’t there to go to the hospital, she wasn’t there for anything really, except maybe to talk. 

Tobin spun around and headed towards the center of town, she spotted a woman packing up her stand, she walked over to her, looking for someone to talk to.

“Hey Ali,” Tobin smiled. 

The dark haired woman looked behind her, “Hey Tobin, what are you doing out here?”

“Nothing, just needed to see another face really,” she chuckled a bit. 

Ali looked at her with soft eyes, “Kelley gone again?”

“Yeah,” she huffed looking away, “She’ll be back soon enough.”

Ali Krieger was town seamstress, Tobin didn’t have a lot of contact with her besides getting the scrapes of cloth to use for shop rags after they couldn’t be used for anything else. Ali talked to Kelley a lot, she was the reason all her clothes were still wearable. The only thing Tobin knew about her was she was in the Air Force before coming to town, she was a drone pilot who had seen too much through her controller screen, and decided to settle in the mountain with her girlfriend. She always seemed nice, Tobin just never had a reason to talk to her about much of anything besides work. 

“I was wondering,” Tobin said watching the dark haired woman put her items into a basket. “Do you think you can make me some seat covers. I’m building a truck and I’m going to need new seat covers.”

Ali stopped packing and thought for a second, “Sure, I’d need a templet, like an old seat cover to work from.”

“No problem,” She smiled, “I can bring you one sometime this week.”

“Okay, just let me know the color and we will figure it out.”

“Great,” she rubbed the back of her neck nervously, “Well, see you later.”

“See you later Tobin.”

She stood for a second, thinking about maybe saying more, asking for something else, anything else, a reason to speak, but she couldn’t think of anything, so she turned around and took a step towards her truck. 

“Hey Tobin,” Ali called out to her. 

Shocked, Tobin spun around with raised eyebrows, “Yeah?”

The dark haired woman stood up straight, giving a kind smile, “If you ever want to come over for dinner, you’re more than welcomed.” She waited for an answer from the quiet woman, but she wasn’t given one. “It must get kind of… boring, up there without Kelley. You’re welcomed over with Ash and I anytime.”

A gesture, a thoughtful and genuine one, “I’d love that.”

“Maybe tomorrow?” She asked hopefully. 

“Yeah tomorrow,” Tobin nodded then toyed with the zipper on her coat before turning on her heels and started to walk away, but before she got far she turned back, “Hey Ali.”

“Yeah?” She answered. 

Her head lowered, she mustered up the courage to let the woman know how much she appreciated the gesture, “Thanks… Really.”

“Of course,” Ali smiled, knowing that was all Tobin could offer. 

Proud of herself, she headed back towards the truck, ready to go home now that she had talked to someone, but her subconscious had a different idea, and she ended up on the steps of the hospital. When she finally caught up with herself, she could feel her stomach fall, she had no clue how she got there, no clue what she was doing. Before she could panic and run the doctor came out. 

“Tobin,” Christen said shocked, “What are you doing here? Do you need help?”

“No,” Tobin answered quickly, “I’m okay. I uh, just came to talk to you… about the car. I uh, I found you a jeep, well I found you two jeeps.” She laughed at herself, nervous now that the doctor was standing in front of her. 

Christen smiled at the anxious woman, “I didn’t know I needed two jeeps.”

“Well you don’t,” she rubbed the back of her neck, trying to settle herself, “I found a chassis in Town 32 that’s in great shape, but it doesn’t have a drivetrain.” She was talking with her hands, a nervous habit that she hadn’t done since she was trained to keep her hands pinned to her sides, “I uh, found a drivetrain in 38 and I was going to go get it, and yeah.”

The doctor was slightly enjoying watching the mechanic talk, the nervous way she spoke, trying her best to say everything she needed to say with as little words as possible. 

“I’m not really sure what you’re talking about,” Christen chuckled, “Sorry, I don’t know many car terms.”

“Right,” Tobin laughed at herself, “Well the body and mechanical parts of the jeep in 32 are great, but it doesn’t have an engine or transmission. The jeep in 38 has an engine and transmission but the body is in terrible shape.”

“So you’re going to do a jeep transplant,” she pepped up.

“Exactly!” She almost shouted her hands jetting out in front of her in excitement. “It’s called a swap,” she laughed again. 

“Sounds like a lot of work,” Christen said in a concerned tone, “I don’t want to cause you too much trouble.”

Tobin smiled, pushing her hands in her pockets to try and contain them, “No, it’s not a problem at all, really. I like projects like this.” She tried to act casual, “Besides, it takes my mind off things, you know, focuses my thoughts.”

As much as Christen was enjoying just talking to the woman in front or her, the comment made her switch into doctor mode, “Kelley’s gone, right? She went hiking or camping, or something.”

Tobin felt like the air had come out of her, the casual conversation she was trying to have was over. “Yeah, she left two days ago, but she’ll be back soon enough.”

“Does this happen a lot?” She asked, wishing she could just talk to her like a normal person, but knowing Tobin needed more than a friend in the moment.

She looked away, staring out into the now almost dark town, “Yeah sometimes, when she needs to think.”

“And do you hike, when you need to think?” She tried to sound casual.

“No,” she chuckled nervously, “I don’t like to hike.”

“You do car transplants,” she laughed. 

Tobin ran her hand through her hair, “Yeah, exactly.”

Christen took a deep breath, waited for Tobin to look over to her, waited to see the dark brown of her eyes, waited for an opportunity for the woman to open up. She watched her shift her weight, breath heavy, the fog of her warm breath in the air. Tobin had come to the hospital excited, maybe looking for something, or someone, and instead she was getting analyzed. Guilt filled the young doctors heart, but she knew this was the right thing, the woman in front of her needed help, the sadness behind her eyes was screaming for it, she just didn’t know how to ask. 

Finally, after a few seconds of silence, Tobin looked back and smiled, and Christen realized how truly beautiful she was. Even sad, worried and nervous, Tobin Heath was beautiful, and Christen wanted nothing more than to tell her as much. But what was more important, what did Tobin need more, a friend someone to call her gorgeous, or a doctor, someone to help her figure it out for herself? 

“Do you want some tea?” Christen asked. 

Tobin lowered her eyebrows a bit, “Tea?”

“Yeah, inside, I have tea, and we can have a cup,” she paused for a second, “Maybe talk.”

The idea sounded wonderful. Tobin looked at the young woman in front of her, she looked in her eyes, they were grey tonight, just a hint of gold around the iris. Her skin was a perfect caramel color, with a little pink in the cheeks. And, that smile, soft and welcoming, perfect in a way that made you want to make sure she smiled for the rest of the days. Tobin thought about saying yes, about talking, about tea. She thought about sitting across from her, enjoying a warm beverage, talking about life, about hopes and dreams. Tobin thought about it, and knew she couldn’t do it. She could see herself talking to Christen, because she could see herself trying to make her smile, to make her eyes light up, to make her laugh, but Christen wasn’t asking her about tea. Dr. Press was asking about tea. So she answered. 

“No, not tonight, I should get back,” she said sadly, “Thank you for the offer.”

“You sure,” Christen asked hopefully, “It’s jasmine.”

Tobin smiled politely, “I’m sure, another time, for sure.”

“Anytime you want,” Christen smiled, “I’m always here.”

“Okay, thanks,” she answered, “I’ll, uh… I’ll let you know about the jeeps.”

“Sounds good,” her tone was flat with disappointment, “I’ll see you later.”

“Yup,” she started to walk down the steps, “See ya.”

Tobin rushed to her truck, taking off without looking back at the hospital, knowing Christen would still be watching her. She got on the dark road and drove towards the compound. 

Her heart was pounding in her chest, her breathing heavy. She wanted to turn the truck around. She wanted to say yes to the offer, wanted to sit with the doctor and have a nice night, but she couldn’t. Talking was out of the question at the moment, it wasn’t something she could do. So she drove, the window down, the air blowing on her face. She drove and tried not the think about it, tried not to focus on it. 

She didn’t want to think about tea, about making Christen smile. 

_Dr. Press. Not Christen. Dr. Press._

She didn’t want to think about looking across a table to her kind eyes, to her inviting smile. She didn’t want to think about her laugh, the way her eyes creased in the corners when she really laughed. She didn’t want to think about the curl of her hair, the way it always wanted to go back to it’s spring like nature, even when she had it pulled back tight. She didn’t want to think about how her hands looked soft, how she looked like she gave great hugs, how she looked warm. She didn’t want to think about any of that, because she didn’t want to think about Christen.

That woman, she wasn’t Christen, she just wasn’t, she couldn’t be. She was Dr. Press, a UMC doctor, and there was no way for Tobin to think of her in any other fashion. So there would be no tea, there would be no thoughts, nothing. 

She pulled into the compound, parking the truck and sitting, looking out into the dark land. She took a deep breath and let her mind settled. Turning her head she saw that house was still dark, no light being turned on since she went in there last night for a snack. The house was empty. The light was on in garage, and in it was her truck, something she could think about, something she could fix. So, she got out the truck and went into the garage, picking up her wrench and starting to break the engine down again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you for reading. I just want to say, in this Tobin and Kelley are struggling with talking to someone, and asking for help, but if You are struggling, please ask for help, talk to someone, friends, family, a professional, just reach out, everything will be okay.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it means so much to me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin goes to dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually post on Thursdays, at least that's the plan, but I figured because of the holiday I would post today!!
> 
> Thank you for reading, and leaving comments, and just being awesome.

Another night alone, another night spent in the garage turning a wrench, fixing an engine that still didn’t want to work. The cold air come through the cracks in the walls, the years and the weather making the wood swell and shrink, settling into its final form. One day she was going to get some wood and fix this old building, one day she was going to fix everything, but for tonight it was this engine, that still only offered clicks when the keys turned. 

Tobin fell asleep in the drivers seat, the key in the ignition, telling herself she was just going to close her eyes for a few minuets out of frustration. She ended up passing out for hours out of pure exhaustion, the first full nights sleep she had in a few days. It was the light shining through the garage door that woke her up, pulled her out of a sleep fog. Now she had a cramp in her neck from her head falling to the left in the night, and her legs were stiff from the cold air and not being able to stretch out.

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, yawning, as she looked out the doors to the grass that was now starting to brown in the cold. Getting out of the truck she stretched out her arms and tried to loosen her stiff muscles, her back hurting from sitting up right all night. She was tired, her mind foggy, her nose hurt from breathing in cold air. She wasn’t old, not to the point of falling apart like she would hear adults talk about when she was still in her teen years. She was only twenty-eight, but she felt fifty most days, and today she felt one hundred years old. When you spend ten years of your life in the military, sleeping on the ground (a cot if you got lucky) marching up hills carrying eighty pound packs, running everywhere you went, it takes a toll on your body, one you don’t notice until you finally stop lifting weights, and running six miles in the morning. The toll the war took on her body was far past the normal. She reached down and squeezed her left knee, the one that was broken in Venezuela, a rifle butt from the enemy, and now it popped in the cold; another internal scar from the bad old days.

She quickly put up her tools, shutting her box and walking out the garage. She needed to get warm, inside the house. 

It was early in the winter months, still fall technically, but the cold had come fast, hitting the uninsulated cabin hard. They had heaters that Kelley fixed their first winter, Tobin took one and turned it on, the hum filling the room. Maybe later she could chop some wood for the wood burning stove in the corner of the living room, something neither of them had used in a long time, but for some reason felt like just the right thing for this cold day. 

She made coffee, boiled a few eggs, toasted two pieces of bread and sat on the couch to eat. For the first time in days she had half striped down her coveralls, tying the arms around her waist, leaving her arms exposed, the tattoo on the top of her left arm showing through her white t-shirt. Something she was so proud of the drunk night she decided to get it, but now served as a reminder of her past. 

The dark black tattoo, scaring her arm more than marking it; the whole thing was Kelley’s idea, or Sofia’s, she couldn’t really remember which one of the women in her life came up with it first. The two were always concocting plans together, usually at Tobin’s expense, it was hard to reign them in even if she had Emily on her side. One of them, one night in the booth of the base bar, a few shots in and all giggly suggested they all get tattoos, and somehow Tobin ended up in the chair two hours later a needle jamming into her skin a million times until it spelled out USMC. It burned, it sucked, and it took two weeks to heal, but all four of them had one on their deltoid, and it was something they shared.

She took a sip of her coffee, the liquid burning her tongue as she sipped it. She listened to the sound of the heater humming, maybe she would chop some wood, if only to get rid of the white noise. 

 

-

 

The axe, one she had found in the forest, something no doubt left over from the old days before the war, it was rusted to hell and the handle was dry rotted, but she took the time to clean it up and fix it before claiming it as her own. She was proud of the old thing, it was sharp and sturdy and made the job of cutting a whole pile of logs easier. This was the first time in two years that she had chopped wood, they had more than enough the past two years stored in the back of the cabin; Kelley went an entire week cutting for hours to take her mind off things, but the pile was getting smaller, and some of the wood was too far gone to be used for anything good. They only used the stove occasionally, and never needed to go to their reserve pile. They still had a few split logs, but the manual labor felt nice, and the ache in her hands let her think about something other than what was bothering her. 

She thought about Dr. Press all night. She thought about the way she smiled, and they way her voice served to sooth her troubled mind. The image of the shinning face and kind eyes was stuck in her head and she couldn’t think about anything else. The only thing she could think about was how beautiful she was. The truth was, the doctor was one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen, and she was the only one to make her nervous in a very long time. She was the first women since the woman she thought would be her last, that made her smile, and that was the most frightening thing in the world. 

Tobin gripped the handle, raising the axe in the air and swinging it down on the log cracking it open with ease. She picked up a large piece and placed it back on the base to break it down further. She swung the axe again, the piece splitting to a manageable size. Her pile was getting bigger, and her mind was getting clearer. 

 

“Tobin,” a voice came out of nowhere. 

She looked over to see Ashlyn walking onto the compound. Tobin didn’t know the woman too well, they never had too much business, Ashlyn was a scavenger, going out of town to find things to fix and sell to everyone. She was quiet, always had a look on her face, like she was trying to figure something out, a puzzle that could never be solved. Tobin only knew a few things about her, she was in the Air Force, a pilot, but she didn’t know which plane. She was tall, with dark hair that she kept cut short and pulled out of the way of her face. She always said hello in a friendly manner, but also in a way that indicated that she didn’t want much more than the exchange of pleasantries with anyone, which Tobin was always happy to respect. 

“Hello,” Tobin huffed, setting the axe on the base log, “What brings you up here?”

“Ali,” she smiled, her high cheekbones popping, “She said she invited you to dinner tonight.”

Tobin wrapped her arms around her middle and nodded, “Yeah, I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s wonderful,” She chuckled a bit, “I’ve always wanted to ask you, but I don’t really know how to do that without being weird, so I just never did.” Her voice was low and shaky, but kind. “I’m not good at making small talk.” She continued with a smile.

“Me either,” Tobin laughed at herself, “I probably would have never offered to you either.” She shrugged, offering a smile, “Just they way I am I guess.”

“Same,” she replied gesturing to herself, “But Ali, she’s not like us, she’s… happier.” She looked away, the nervous energy between them serving to fuel her lack of eye contact, “But I know how it can be, living up here, when Kelley is gone. I get really lonely whenever Ali goes on trips, I mean, I get lonely when I go on trips. I guess I get lonely without her.” The tall woman paused, looking out into the open field, a look on her face like she was just figuring something out. After the moment had passed, she shook her head and smiled, “I’m glad she invited you.”

Tobin could tell the tall woman was trying her best not to be nervous, “Thanks, I’m glad she invited me too.”

“Well, I came up here to let you know that it won’t be just you tonight.” Ashlyn said quickly, “I thought you’d feel awkward, and I know Ali would just ask you a million questions, so I panicked and invited a few more people, you know to help take the focus off you. Is that okay?”

“Of course,” she said honestly relieved, “Sounds like fun.”

“Sounds awful,” Ashlyn replied honestly, “But it’ll be okay.”

Tobin let out a small laugh, “Hope so.”

“Yeah,” she shifted her weight, “Well is seven good for you?”

“That’s perfect,” Tobin answered. 

“Excellent, I’ll see you then.” She gave one last closed mouth, awkward smile, then headed out the same way she came in without another word.

Tobin picked up her axe, and set another piece of wood on the base, starting her chopping again. This was good news, and bad news. More people coming to dinner meant she didn’t have to talk as much, but it also meant more people. Tobin was bad at small talk, and even worse at trying not to be awkward around people. She use to be fantastic at it, one of the best even, but she lost her ways and wasn’t sure how to get it back. 

When she was a a kid she could talk to anyone, her mom always called her a chatter bug, she had to be warned against talking to strangers almost daily. As a teenager it turned into this ability to make everyone laugh, she could sit at any table in school and have everyone hanging on her ever word. She was popular in high school, the girl that knew everyone, the person people felt comfortable around. In the military it was easy because everyone wanted to talk, they wanted others to know about them, share what made them special and Tobin was one of the best at it. Slowly over time she lost that trait, she lost the ability to talk, to tell stories, to make people laugh. By the time she and Kelley were making their way into the town, hitchhiking across the country, Tobin had no idea how to talk to anyone besides her best friend. Now, she could talk if she needed to, but she never wanted to, not without Kelley by her side, and tonight she would be alone.

 

-

 

The sun was starting to set, it was almost time for Tobin to show up at the house for dinner, and yet she couldn’t move from the bathroom. The mirror was fogged from the hot shower, and her hair was wet, hanging around her head. She reached up and wiped her had across the mirror allowing her reflection to be visible. She looked up at herself, and tried to smile. She was nervous, and her eyes showed it. The thought of not showing up, of not saying anything and just not going came to mind, but that was rude, and if she didn’t show, they would wonder why and they would wonder if it was the fact that Ashlyn invited more people, and that would make her feel bad which the thought of made Tobin’s stomach turn, which meant she had to go. 

She looked back at herself in the mirror and smiled again, her eyes still not showing joy the way she was trying to will them to, but that was okay, no one expected her to be joyful, no one ever expected more than a melancholy awkwardness from her, and that was something she could give. 

Her coveralls were sitting on floor, still dirty from the weeks work. The idea of putting them on popped in her mind, they were comfortable, they truly did cover all, and that made her feel safe. This was a dinner, and normally she would have no issue going to dinner in her dirty coveralls, but that was with Kelley, this dinner was with god knows who, and maybe the coveralls would be a little strange, and the last thing she wanted was to be strange.

There were jeans in her footlocker in her room, something from her past that she had yet to take out. T-shirts, and not the black and white ones she wore under her coveralls. She had a nice shirt, with a collar, but that felt like too much. She decided on a pair of light blue jeans, a little faded in the front, and a dark blue long sleeve v-neck t-shirt. She was going to put her hair up, but opted to have some comfort items, and put her black baseball cap on, along with a pair of clean black boots and a brown heavy jacket. So it wasn’t fancy, but it was better than the oil soaked items she usually wore. 

 

The drive to Ali and Ashlyn's house wasn’t far, it didn’t give her much time to prep anything she wanted to say, besides thanking the host for inviting her. Maybe that would be good enough.

She parked just outside the gate, and sat in the car looking out onto the house all lit up. Ali and Ashlyn lived in a cabin similar to Tobin’s, simply built, and in the middle of a huge plot of land. Ashlyn had a barn, not as big as Tobin’s garage, but tall, and a great place to put all her finds. They also had a garden, the season was just starting to hit the right environment for potatoes, not doubt what they had growing currently. Instead of cars parked on the side of the fence, like the compound, Ashlyn had a few large signs, and some old cabinets that she was going to fix up and sell. The whole place was peaceful, a place Tobin wouldn’t mind spending time at, maybe she could now, if this dinner went well. 

As she walked up to the house, she could hear music playing softly, and people laughing inside. She paused on the bottom step, the windows had coverings, so she couldn’t see who as inside, and her stomach began to flutter. She was walking into this alone, she didn’t have her goofy best friend by her side, telling her to go in, leading the way, making sure she was okay. She had to do this all on her own, and suddenly she felt like she couldn’t. She was about to turn away, when the door opened.

“Toby,” Alex’s voice was cheerful, “Hey, I’ve been waiting for you.”

“You have?” Tobin asked.

Alex walked down the steps, putting her hand on Tobin’s shoulder, “I have, now come inside, it’s cold out here.”

She wasn’t Kelley, she wasn’t her best friend, but Alex was wonderful, and she knew Tobin well, so she would be a good stand in for tonight. Tobin walked up the stairs and into the house, taking a deep breath to prepare herself for the night. 

 

-

 

The house was warm inside, so Tobin took off her jacket and hug it on the coat rack with everyone else’s. She looked around the room, people were in small groups talking. In the kitchen Ali was still cooking, Julie Ertz and Tiffany with her, all of them holding wine glasses and giggling at each other. Zack, Servando and Ashlyn were in the living room, sitting around the coffee table, talking and drinking beers. At the table Meghan was sitting next to an empty chair with a glass of wine in front of it, and that’s where Alex pulled Tobin towards. She sat down at the table after saying hello to Meghan and accepting the beer that Alex refused to let her turn down, before she knew it, she was in a conversation. 

“I just think they need to say something before the spray chemicals where it can effect other people’s crops,” Alex said with confidence, “It’s not too much to ask.”

“I agree they should have said something,” Meghan replied, taking a sip of her beer, “But I understand why they are doing it.”

Tobin sat up in her chair, “The caterpillars.” She said remembering the craziness of last year. “They can’t afford to have caterpillars again.”

“Exactly,” Meghan pointed a finger at her, “No more caterpillars.”

“Then how will we get beautiful butterflies,” a voice asked behind Tobin. 

She turned in her seat to see Dr. Press standing, the light backing her as if she was some kind of movie star. She had her hair down, it was dark and curly and perfect and her eyes were dark green and Tobin was almost knocked out of her seat at just the sight of her. 

Gracefully, as if she was floating, she walked around the table and took a seat next to Meghan, she looked over at Tobin and smiled. “Hey Tobin,” she said softly.

“Hey,” the shocked woman replied, not knowing why she was singled out in the greeting but happy to hear the doctor say her name. 

“Butterflies are cool and all, but not at the sacrifice of crops,” Meghan answered her question. “I’m not saying chemicals are good, I’m just saying I understand why they did it.”

Christen reached over and grabbed a glass of wine, something Tobin had missed when she first sat down, obviously the doctor had been sitting at the table before she arrived at the party, so her saying hi was just being polite. Still it felt nice to be noticed, it felt nice for Christen to say hello to her, even if it wasn’t anything special. 

The conversation started to flow, and Tobin chimed in a few times, but she wasn’t really focused on what was going on. She was focused on Christen, and how amazing she looked. The only time she had seen the woman was outside, in the cold, wrapped in layers of warm clothes, and when she was being a doctor, with her hair up and professional makeup. Tonight, she had on eyeliner and a little blush, with a light lipstick that served to highlight how beautiful she was. She had on a simple long sleeve forest green shirt that flowed down to a pair of dark blue jeans. Her hair was down, and wild around her face, and Tobin wanted to reach out and run her hands through the wavy locks. She wanted to reach out and touch her hand that was gripping the wine glass, she wanted to talk to her. Tonight the woman sitting across from her, was no longer Dr. Press, she was Christen, and that made Tobin’s head fog up.

 

Dinner had started, chicken and vegetables, the first hot meal Tobin had in days, but she was more focused on sneaking looks across the table when no one was paying attention. The conversation was easy, mostly about the town, about the people, about scavenging outside town, things that Tobin could have an opinion on when she wanted to, but wasn’t forced to talk. She was happy to enjoy her meal, talking here and there, and enjoying the laughter at the table. 

It felt like all the dinners she use to have, when they would come in from a mission, and sit around a cafeteria table bench, eating dinning facility food and laughing about all the things that made her happy. The conversations she shared with her makeshift family, the ideas that would flow when they all got together. That was one of the things she actually missed about her past.

As she finished her, she was offered another beer, which she happily took now that the first one was working its way through her system. She listened to everyone sharing stories; it reminded her of her last dinner in Yuma.

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
_The chow hall wasn’t packed. The extra Marines on base had been shipped out a few days ago and it was mostly logistics troops left behind, the ones that didn’t need to be first into the fight, not that they knew there was a real fight yet. The base was quiet, almost still in an eery way, most of the leaders too focused on what was happening on the other side of the world to make their troops do much of anything._

 _The announcement of boots on the ground in Russia was made two days ago, but no one was worried. It was bound to happen, with all the tension, with all the peace talks that never brought peace, not one was surprised by the deployment of troops. Tobin expected to go first, but was told that she would be on a second wave, after a camp was established and they had a place for her to work, then the mechanics would go in to help. That was months away. Kelley was most likely going to go a few weeks before her, get electricity to the buildings, before they put supplies inside, so they were together for a while longer._

_Sofia set her tray down on the table, “Meatloaf again.” She huffed taking her seat next to Tobin._

_“I’ll take it if you don’t want it,” Kelley said reaching her fork over to the plate._

_The short girl stabbed down on Kelley’s fork with her own, “Take it and I’ll stab you with your own fork.”_

_The group started to laugh._

_“Stabbed over chow hall meatloaf,” a boy chuckled, “How’s that for an action report?”_

_“Do you think I’ll get a purple heart?” Kelley asked proudly._

_Emily reached over pulling the freckle face girl close so she could kiss her cheek, “Don’t get stabbed before we get married, I want you to look nice in your uniform.”_

_“After we get married you’ll let your bestie shank me over a dried out meat slap?” Kelley smiled._

_“If she doesn’t get you for something else first,” Emily laughed._

_They had been together for a month, Kelley made an impression on the young girl, somehow charming her way into a serious relationship. Ever since the first night in the bar, Kelley had thought about only one thing, getting Emily to love her. Tobin spent many nights listening to her best friend talk about how much she loved the girl she had just met; ‘love at first sight’ she said too many times to count. They texted as if there was nothing else to do in the world, and the moment Kelley got off work, she was glued to Emily’s side. If it didn’t seem like the happy blonde felt the same way, Tobin would have been more concerned, but the love flowed between the two, both so intense it couldn’t be denied by any who witnessed it, so Tobin let it go without too much warning. She was truly happy for her friend, it was the first time she had found a girl she felt so deeply about, and all Tobin wanted was for them to be happy._

_She was working on her own relationship, it wasn’t speeding down the highway like Kelley’s but it was moving and Tobin was happy. Sofia was perfect, smart, sweet, and most of all she understood._

_Tobin worked a lot, twelve hour days most of the time, always needing something fixed in the shop, always preparing vehicles to be ship overseas. She no longer called her days her own, her time being freely given to the shop and Sofia understood. She didn’t complain about late nights, or canceled dinners. She didn’t force Tobin to choose between her job and their relationship. Sofia never hassled her about early mornings, stand-by calls, paperwork being finished in her room. She didn’t mind her climbing into her bed late at night smelling like diesel and smoke. She understood, she rubbed her sore muscles at night, made her coffee in the morning, and left notes in her bag when they couldn’t see each other._

_It had only been a month, but Tobin could feel love, that thing that everyone wrote songs about, that feeling that everyone said made the world go round. She could feel it when she looked into the soft hazel of her girlfriends eyes. She could feel it when she smiled at a text, when she laughed at a phone call, when she physically relaxed at the sound of her voice. Maybe she wasn’t barreling down hill the way Kelley was, but Tobin knew she was falling in love, and she had intention of stopping it._

_“So when do you think we will get our chance to get out there?” Kelley asked with her mouth full of food._

_“Why are you so eager?” Tobin shrugged._

_“I wanna kick ass,” Kelley swallowed hard, “I joined the Marines to kick ass.”_

_“Same,” the boy cheered._

_The boy sitting with them was a mechanic from Tobin’s shop. Weasley was skinny, and still sported the clean shaved head he got in boot camp even though her had the ability to grow a full head of hair. Tobin always thought of him as a boy even though he was the same age as her. His baby face, still not able to grow a beard, and his ability to say the dumbest things if it meant everyone paid attention to him, made him seem so much younger than she was. He was a good mechanic and lived next door to Tobin, and took to following her around until one day she couldn’t really see herself in the shop without him standing behind her asking questions._

_“I knew we were going to war even before the ‘official’ announcement,” he spoke up pointing his fork as he talked, “I joined to do my part.”_

_“Then you should have been infantry,” Sofia chimed in, ever the sane voice of group. “You might be going over to that hell hole, but you won’t see combat. Besides they haven’t even said we are at war yet.”_

_“Give it a few weeks, they’ll make the announcement whenever they get backing from big business, war means money.” Weasley straighten his back, proud to have such a profound outlook on the situation. “And I’ll see combat. What about convoys?”_

_“Still not getting a weapon,” Tobin laughed, “We’re mechanics bro, nothing else.”_

_“Marines are riflemen first,” Kelley stated matter-of-factly. “I’m going to get a weapon, and I will “pop pop! pop!, two in the chest one in the head” any asshole commie that comes at me.” She held up her hands like she was holding a gun._

_“Settle down babe,” Emily said placing her hand on Kelley’s, “How about you fix the lights in my office before you kill communist.”_

_The table started to laugh again, taking the tension out the air. Kelley had become increasingly more ‘Marine’ of the last few months. As much as Emily calmed her mind, the suspense of the impending war hyped her up. She talked a lot more about going to war, about killing, about fighting, and it scared Tobin. They had signed up because of the fight that they knew was coming, but they signed up to help, not to kill._

_The infantry battalions were at the base for months, all the meat heads, and those who couldn’t get other jobs, all hopped up on adrenaline and Monster energy drink, ready to take on the world, and it seeped into Kelley pores, finding an outlet in her speech. The more the battle was on the news, the more their commanders spoke about ‘their role’ in the fight, the more Kelley talked about war._

_Tobin didn’t want to fight, she didn’t want to kill, she just wanted to fix trucks and help where she could. Part of her hoped the war would end before they had a chance to do anything. She hoped she could just fix trucks for the rest of her enlistment. She hoped the Conflict in Russia would flame out. She hoped every night._

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was done, and everyone stood around the house having one last drink before heading back to their homes for the night. Tobin stood with a beer in her hand, she had moved outside, needing a little bit of air, and a bit of alone time after spending so much energy talking at diner, but not quite ready to leave. She had pulled her coat on, the first time in the season the cold was really getting to her, standing in a t-shirt without her coveralls allowed the air to flow around her body, chilling her to the bone.

She took a sip of her beer and looked out into the darkness, the light of the house the only light source besides the moon and the stars. 

“The stars are beautiful,” Christen said softly, as she walked out the house. 

Tobin looked over to her and smiled, “Yeah, they’re so bright.”

“I remember when there was so much light pollution you could only see a quarter of them.” The dark haired woman walked to the edge of the porch and leaned against the beam. “I like it way better now, you can almost see another world.”

“Billions of them,” Tobin replied, “Wonder what they are doing right now, the aliens on the other worlds.”

“Probably the same things we are,” she said happily, “Or planning to take over this planet.”

Tobin turned to look over at her, “Do you believe in aliens?”

“Sure,” Christen smirked, “I can’t believe we’re the only things out here in the vast universe. It’s kind of a dick move to think we’re the only intelligent beings.”

“True,” Tobin chuckled, “So human of us.”

She started to laugh, it was light and airy and beautiful, and Tobin wanted to make her do that again. 

Christen looked over at the mechanic, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in anything but coveralls.”

Tobin looked down at her clothes, “Oh, yeah, I uh, thought I should put a little effort in tonight.”

“You look nice,” she smiled.

“Thank you,” she could feel her cheeks getting flush, “You look nice too, well you always do.”

Christen lowered her head a little, looking up at the girl through eyelashes, “Thanks Tobin.” She paused for a second, “I actually wanted to talk to you. I owe you an apology.”

“What for,” she lowered her eyebrows. 

“For yesterday,” she stood up straight, “You came to talk to me about cars and I kind of went doctor on you. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to turn it off sometimes.”

Tobin lowered her head, “Don’t worry about it.”

“But I do,” she told her, “I worry about it because I don’t want you to think of me as a doctor. I mean, I am a doctor, but I also want you to think of me as your friend. I know that me being from the UMC kind of freaks you out a bit…” she looked up at the worried face across from her, “Kelley told me, well she didn’t tell me, but she kind of hinted at it, and well, I don’t want to freak you out, because I want to be your friend.”

“My friend?” She asked in a low voice.

“Yeah,” Christen smiled, unable to contain it, “I mean, you’re doing a whole car transplant for me, we should be friends.” She laughed a little. 

Tobin couldn’t help but laugh with her, “It’s no big deal you know. It’s a standard drivetrain so it’s pretty easy.”

“Are there non standard drivetrains?” She asked lightly, “I know nothing about cars.”

“Well, there are two types really, though they can go into sub types, but two general types.”

“Teach me,” Christen said quickly, “Give me a quick lesson, I want to learn.”

This was something she could do without feeling nervous. She took a sip of her beer and tried to focus on her words instead of the fact that Christen was almost glowing under the soft light of the house. 

“Okay, simple terms, a drivetrain is the engine, transmission, drive line and differential all together. They type that you are getting is the easiest one, everything is in one line. The engine first, transmission mated to it, the a drive line out the back, that goes to the differential, that turns the rotation force of the tranny into rotational force for the wheels transferred by axels. The differential drives the wheels, allowing them to rotate at different speeds if necessary, and gives power to the wheel that needs it most. That’s what you are going to have.”

“Confusing, but keep going,” Christen giggled, her warm breath showing in the cold air.

“Yeah, it’s better with pictures,” Tobin chuckled with her. “This type is used for rear wheel drive, which means your rear tires have all the power, and your front tires are only used for steering, meaning if you lift the whole car in the air and step on the gas, only the back wheel would spin. The other type is transaxle, for front wheel drive. The transmission and the front axel are one, making the power all in the front and nothing in the back. This is used for small cars and trucks that need some traction, but not for hauling or climbing. It’s heavy in the front because of the engine, which is great, and it’s less moving parts, but it sucks for slippery conditions. What you want is four wheel drive, which is standard drivetrain with a diff in the front to lock the front wheels to the drivetrain giving them power so that you have traction at all four wheels and you can get out of snow and mud easily.”

“That is a lot,” she giggled again, “I think I understand, but I don’t think I am ready to step into the garage just yet.”

“No, not yet,” she smirked, taking another sip of beer, “But if you ever want a real lesson you can come up and I can show you everything, it’s a lot easier to understand once you see it.”

“I will have to take you up on that,” she said with a smile, “If you ever want to intern at the hospital, let me know.”

“Oh no,” Tobin shook her head, “I like machines, they don’t talk back, and the only one who can get hurt is me.”

“True, though, don’t get hurt,” she reached out and touched the zipper of Tobin’s jacket, “I don’t want anything happening to you.”

Tobin could feel herself heating up, “Yeah, I uh, promise I’ll be safe.”

“Good.” She stated pulling her hand back. 

The wind blew, sending a chill through Tobin, though she wasn’t sure if it was the wind or the way Christen was biting her bottom lip. As if something clicked in her head, she stood up straight and put her half empty beer bottle on the porch ledge and started to zip up her jacket. 

“I should get home,” she said quickly, rushing her words out, “Can you thank Ali and Ashlyn for me?”

“Sure,” Christen said shocked by the sudden change, “Are you sure you have to go?”

Tobin walked down the steps, “Yeah, it’s getting cold, and I was hoping to start the wood stove before it got too late. Besides I need to go to 32 tomorrow to get the jeep chassis, so I should get some sleep.”

As much as she wanted to protest, Christen understood what Tobin was doing, “Right, okay, well it was nice talking to you.”

“Yeah, you too, Doc,” Tobin smiled nervously. 

“Maybe we can do it again,” she shrugged. 

Tobin stuck her hands in her jacket pockets, “Yeah, sounds good,” she started to walk backwards away from the house. She saw the disappointed look on the doctors face, and she felt her heart sink. She turned into the darkness, but something inside her forced her to turn around, “Hey Doc?”

Christen turned away from the door to look down at her, “Yeah?”

“Maybe we can have tea?”

A huge smile cam across her face, “Tea sounds great.”

“Okay,” Tobin returned her smile, “See you soon.”

“See you soon,” she gave a little wave. 

Tobin returned the wave, before turning back around and heading for the truck. Maybe she could have tea. Maybe they could be friends. Maybe she could even be friends with everyone in the house, do this more often. Maybe she didn’t have to be so alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin picks up the jeep chassis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey thanks for reading, I hope everyone enjoys it.

_  
_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**“You work too hard,” Sofia’s voice came from behind Tobin, causing her to turn around and smile.**

****

“ **I’m almost done.” Tobin explain sweetly.**

****

****

**She was in the middle of finishing her homework. Originally she had signed up for a college course when she had more time in the day, now she spent the little time she had at night at her desk, her girlfriend waiting patiently for her. Tobin wanted finish her degree, something to push her forward in her career, and she had an assignment due in two hours. Sofia had been sitting on the bed in Tobin’s room, reading quietly for a while, before she watched Tobin squirm in her seat trying to force herself to learn whatever she was studying. Now she was talking, interrupting her studying, trying to make Tobin smile, which always worked.**

**“Why don’t you come to bed?” Her girlfriend asked sweetly.**

**Tobin pushed her hair behind her ear, “Because I have four question’s left, and I have to turn this in tonight.”**

**Sofia got up from the bed and walked over, placing her hands on Tobin’s shoulders, pushing her fingers into the tight muscles massaging the tension away while looking over her shoulder at her laptop screen.**

**Tobin let her head fall forward, her girlfriends hands on her shoulders serving to pull her into a relaxed state. She closed her eyes and let the feeling take over, just for a second, then she could finish her homework.**

**“The answer to number twenty-one is A,” Sofia said simply, “And twenty-two is C.”**

**Tobin looked behind her, “I’m supposed to be answering these questions.”**

**“Oh come on, it’s online, no one cares,” she laughed, leaning forward and clicking the answers on the computer. “Just let me finish it so we can get in bed.”**

**Tobin chuckled, “How am I going to pass the test if I don’t do my homework?”**

**“I’ll take the test for you too,” she looked down at her girlfriend and smiled, “I’ll take the whole damn class for you, if it means you’ll get your sexy ass in bed.”**

**She looked up at her girlfriend, her honey brown hair flowing in big curls, her tan skin shinning in the low light of her room. How did she get so lucky?**

**“All done,” Sofia said happily, taking a few steps to let Tobin admire her work.**

**Tobin looked at the screen, her homework was done, “Who knew biology could be so easy?” She joked as she submitted the work.**

**“I’ll teach you biology,” she answered in a low voice.**

**Tobin turned around in her chair to see her girlfriend standing topless by her bed, “That’s anatomy, babe.”**

**“Do you want to have sex or be a smart ass?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.**

**“Both,” Tobin cracked up, getting up from her desk and rushing to her half naked girlfriend.**

**She really was lucky.**

****

****

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

It had been a long time since Tobin was lucky enough to dream about Sofia, a good dream, a memory she held onto in the dark days. She spent so much time pushing thoughts of the woman out of her head, even if she wanted to think of her. Most dreams were nightmares, images that she never wanted to see again, memories that would bring her back into the dark hole that she was trying to stay out of. When the good dreams came, when the good memories popped in her head it was always nice; it was nice to remember her smile, the way she laughed, the way she made Tobin feel comfortable and safe. It was nice just to see her again.  
   
If she was lucky, in the spring, she would get a small whiff of lavender, a subtle smell that maybe didn’t mean much to anyone else, but to Tobin it always brought her back to nights lying in bed, some show playing on the television in her room, Sofia laying on her chest, both of them talking so much that they missed half of the show. If she was lucky she would get to remember days sitting outside in the gazebo in the middle of all the dorms, Sofia always leaning against her as they talked to their friends about everything and anything. If she was lucky, she would get small memories of the woman she missed more than anything in the world.  
   
   
Tobin sat up in bed, rubbing her hands together trying to get them warm. The room was warm, but no matter how hard she tried her hands always seemed to be colder than the rest of her body. Last night she started the wood stove, adding a few logs and letting the fire warm the small cabin, the smell was comforting, allowing her to calm her mind enough to actually go to sleep instead of heading to the garage.  
   
She got in bed thinking about Christen, about their talk, about being friends. She climbed under the covers with the idea of heading into town one day just to drop by her office and have tea. She laid her head down thinking about having a friendly conversation, casual and simple. She fell asleep thinking about Christen’s smile, and she dreamt of Sofia.  
   
In a normal day she would rush out of bed, eat something and find work to do, but today felt different, like the storm in her mind that constantly pushed her to work was finally calm. For the first time in a long time, Tobin sunk back into her bed, laid her head down and closed her eyes. Part of her wished she would dream of Sofia again, another memory that she cherished, another moment in time with the women she loved. She wanted to see her eyes again, feel her touch, even if she knew it wasn't real. She relaxed her body, knowing sleep wouldn't come when she was tensed up, she let her mind drift, only happy thoughts, only good things.  
   
Without effort, without promoting, as if the image had been stored in her mind for years, Christen's face appeared in front of her, all green eyes and smiles, beautiful in a way that was uniquely her. Christen was the dream, and still Tobin took comfort.  
   
   
-  
   
A noise from the kitchen jolted Tobin from her sleep, bringing her out of a dream, that she couldn’t quite remember. By the time she woke up, the sun was high meaning she had fallen back asleep for a few hours, something her body needed, no longer aching the way it did the other morning. She sat up when the noise came again, something crashing to the floor and a distinctive voice scream whispering ‘shit’ followed by heavy footsteps. Tobin took her time getting out of bed, pulling a pair of coveralls on and heading out to see her best friend in the kitchen cleaning up spilled coffee from the ground.  
   
“Hey,” she yawned leaning over the counter to see Kelley on the ground with a rag.  
   
Kelley looked up at her and smiled, “Hey sleepy head.”  
   
“What are you doing here?” Tobin asked.  
   
“I’m home,” she shrugged, “I do still live here, right?”  
   
Tobin snorted at the comment, “Of course, I just mean, I didn’t expect you back for another week or so.”  
   
“Yeah I know,” she stood up, tossing the rag in the sink and leaning against the counter, “I came back early. Truth is, I shouldn’t’ve left, not when you needed me.”  
   
This made the Tobin stand up straight, “What do you mean.”  
   
“Come on Tobs,” Kelley scoffed, “You’re clearing going through some shit, and I should’ve stayed here with you. I mean you pick me up every single time I fall, I should’ve been here for you.”  
   
“I haven’t fallen,” she crossed her arms.  
   
“Maybe not completely, but you were damn close,” she retorted, her hazel eyes getting wide, “As your best friend, I should be here, you know, in case you do.”  
   
There was no use trying to argue, Tobin knew the cheerful girl was right, she was close to the edge, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself yet.  
   
“Well, thanks,” she smiled over to her friend, “Glad to have you back.”  
   
“Good to be back, partner.” Kelley cheered, “I made coffee, but I gave it all to the floor, so let me make another pot and you can tell me about your week.”  
   
Tobin chuckled, “There’s nothing to tell.” She headed for the couch, plopping down, letting her head fall back, “I’ve been working on the truck… Damn thing still won’t run.”  
   
In the kitchen Kelley was working on the second pot of coffee, “Do you need more parts?”  
   
“I don’t know,” Tobin huffed, running her hands down her face, “I have no idea what that thing needs, which pisses me off, because I thought I had it fixed.” She let out a long breath, her mind already starting to jumble up with ideas about the truck. “Hey, now that you’re home, do you want to go to 32 with me today? I need to pick up a jeep.”  
   
Kelley lit the pilot light on the stove to start boiling water, “A jeep for who?”  
   
“Christen,” Tobin shrugged, “She needs a car, so I’m getting a chassis from 32 and a drivetrain from 38. I need to go today to get the chassis…”  
   
“Wait,” suddenly the freckled face girl was standing next to her friend sporting a huge smile, “You’re building the doctor a jeep? I’ve never seen you build anyone a car, well, expect that truck.”  
   
Tobin sat up, “I built your mobile truck.”  
   
“No, you fixed the truck,” she corrected, still with a smile on her face, “And you welded my tool boxes to the bed, you didn’t build the truck, not like you’re building your truck, and apparently this Jeep.”  
   
“I’m not building the jeep, it’s built, I’m just putting the parts together,” she tried to justify.  
   
Kelley started to crack up, “You’re building a jeep.”  
   
“Am not,” Tobin cried out, “You know what, on second thought, I don’t need you to go with me.”  
   
“No, no,” she said quickly, “I’m coming with you, if only to get you to admit you’re building a jeep for Dr. Press, or… What did you call her?” she held her hands to her chest, “ _Christen_ ” she dragged out the name.  
   
Tobin picked the pillow off the couch and threw it at her friend, “I hate you. You can’t come with me.”  
   
-  
   
There was a yellow 1980 Datsun 210 parked in the back of the yard, and ugly thing, boxy and more rust color than yellow. The seats were beat up, ceiling liner was falling down, the shifter didn’t have a knob, and the back seats didn’t have seatbelts. Tobin found it the second summer. It was a strange find, in a junk yard in the lower towns, covered in dirt and brush, neglected to the point of death, and Tobin fell in love. The hideous beast spoke to her, and she towed it home and dropped it in the yard. For three months she and Kelley sat on the porch, drinking beers, and talking about what they would do with the little monster. Kelley wanted to turn it into a rally car, take it on the mountain and jump it over hills. Tobin wanted to turn it into a go-cart, build a track around the compound and race it. Nothing ever happened to the little car, it just sat in the yard and got older and rustier and eventually they forgot about it. Now Tobin was pulling it on the back of her flat bed, ready to tow it down to 32.  
   
“What are you doing?” Kelley ran out the house and over to Tobin. “What are you doing with Shrek?”  
   
Tobin lowered her eyebrows, confused by the question, “I’m putting on the flat bed.”  
   
“I can see that,” Kelley stated, going over to slap Tobin’s hand away from the controls, stopping the car, “Why are you putting in on the flat bed?”  
   
“To take it to 32, I’m trading it for the jeep chassis.” Tobin gave her friend a little push away from the controls and started the motor again.  
   
Kelley dove on top of the hood of the car forcing her friend to let go of the controls again, “You’re trading Shrek, without even asking? What about the rally car, what about the go-cart track? What about our baby?”  
   
Tobin started to laugh, “None of that is going to happen Kells.” She walked over and put her hand on the hood of the little yellow car, “This car has been sitting, and will continue to sit and nothing will ever be done with it, it’ll die a sad lonely rusty death. Or, I can trade it to Old Man Morrow, and get a jeep chassis, and make something that actually works.”  
   
“I can’t believe you’re willing to trade our baby for a jeep, and not even our own jeep, someone else’s?” she sat up, her face twisted up, “How could you?”  
   
“Stop being so dramatic,” Tobin chuckled, reaching her hand out to help her friend off the car, “I like the little guy, but I’m never going to fix it. Morrow has another Datsun he’s going to fix with parts from this guy.”  
   
“You’re going to let him kill our baby?” Kelley cried.  
   
“Yup,” she laughed, pulling Kelley up right, “We don’t need Shrek anymore, but I do need this Jeep.”  
   
Kelley looked over at her, “Oh yeah, it’s for _Christen_.”  
   
“It’s for the medical team,” Tobin stated firmly, “ **Dr. Press** will be driving it.”  
   
She put her hands up, “I’m just saying, Tiff already has a car, so the only person on the two man medical team that needs a car is Christen.”  
   
“I’m not building her a jeep,” Tobin turned away, turning the motor back on to pull the yellow car onto the flat bed.  
   
Kelley decided to drop the subject, “Did I tell you what happened on my hike? Everything started off fine, cold and a little wet, but fine nonetheless, until this fucking big ass raven showed up…”  
   
Tobin sat watching the yellow rust bucket make its way up to the truck bed, as she tuned in and out of Kelley’s story. Her mind was filled with the thought of Christen, and her dream, the one she didn’t mean to have. She had closed her eyes this morning so she could see Sofia’s face again, have another dream about the woman she loved, but instead she found herself thinking about Christen.  
   
The conversation they had on the porch played out in her head, a casual talk that turned into something more. Or was it? Christen wanted to be friends, she wanted Tobin to think of her as more than just a doctor, more than just another person in the town that was there to do a job. Christen wanted to be more than acquaintances, she wanted to spend time with Tobin, she wanted to see her in a casual manner. The only people in town that Tobin had that kind of relationship with was Kelley and Alex, everyone else she just saw when she needed to see them. She wasn’t even sure she knew how to be casual friends with anyone anymore.  
   
The dinner was good because there was more people, and they all took up the talking space, leaving Tobin to sit comfortably interjecting an opinion whenever she felt like it. What would having tea be like? How in the world was she going to hold a conversation with just one other person that wasn’t Kelley? She had no idea how to talk to people about real things, and she had no idea how to fake it anymore. How was she supposed to be friends with Christen?  
 

“I’ve built a car for someone else,” Tobin interrupted Kelley’s story.  
   
They had just pulled out the compound and Kelley had been talking the entire time, now she needed to address the confused look on Tobin’s face.  
   
“Oh yeah?” She scoffed, “Who?”  
   
Tobin thought for a second, her lips pressed tight together, “I don’t know, someone.”  
   
“No, you haven’t,” Kelley laughed, “You’re building this jeep for her.” She paused waiting for a retort, but when Tobin lowered her eyebrows, she knew her friend was back in thinking mode. “So anyway, I could tell this raven was following me, there’s no way we end up at the same camp by coincidence, so I took off my shoe and I threw it at him…”  
 

Making friends as an adult was almost impossible for the friendliest of people. When you’re young and someone else is playing soccer, and you’re playing soccer, you two become friends out of sheer proximity. Suddenly they are spending the night at your house, and sharing secrets and learning everything there is to know about each other, and that’s all that needed to happen to make you friends.

Then there’s the internet, you log on, safe behind the screen and talk about how much you love one show, and go into full detail about one look two characters shared, and someone else on the internet will want to talk about that too. That’s how you make friends. 

Or maybe your moms were friends, and you’re born around the same time and forced to hangout until you have no idea what you would do without the other person, suddenly they are as much a part of you as your own hand or foot. That’s how she became friends with Kelley. There were no chances like this as an adult, especially the adult Tobin turned out to be.  
   
In the military, there was always someone else there, another Marine just as confused as you are. Maybe he has a California flag patch on their ruck sack, and you tell him that you hated LA because of all the people, and he tells you that he’s from North California, and he hates LA too. Suddenly you two are at the smoke pit after work, drinking a beer, burning a smoke, and you start talking about skateboards, and the best wheels to use. One day you introduce him to your girlfriend and she thinks he’s funny and nice, and your best friend thinks he’s awesome, and you are all hanging out. Then you guys are eating lunch together, and running together at PT and laughing at the sergeant at work, and complaining about extra duty, and now you have no idea how to get through your work day without him. That’s how you make friends in the military, but Tobin wasn’t a Marine anymore, and she was no longer forced to be around people.  
   
How was she supposed to become friends with Christen? She had no reason to be around her unless it was about work, about being a doctor or a mechanic. There was no reason for her to drop by the office unless it was to just see her, and Tobin had no idea how to do that.  
 

 

“You know the engine is already built, it just needs a little work.” Tobin cut off her rambling partner once again, “And the chassis has almost everything, all I have to do is put them together. It’s not really building it so much as assembling it.”  
   
Kelley shook her head, “You are putting the main guts into the main body, that’s building. You know it’s not a big deal, so you’re building a jeep for her…”  
   
“I’m not though, that’s what I’m trying to say,” she said in a low voice.  
   
“Okay, I believe you,” Kelley shrugged. “Anyway, this thing was like the size of a small dog, so when it dove down at me, I was like ‘Hell No.’ I wasn’t giving up my berries to a demon raven, not now, not ever. Ravens don’t even eat berries, so I know he was doing it out of spite…”  
 

 

The road two towns over was an old highway from before the war. The yellow lines were still painted on the black asphalt, but nature had taken over the rest of the road a while ago, weeds growing through cracks widely, tree branches reaching out into the driving space. After the war, no one cared to tame the trees, their roots cracking through sidewalks and roads throughout the town and the roads connecting them. Tobin like the way the roads looked now, like Mother Nature was finally taking back what was hers. She enjoyed seeing the trees growing strong, even if this time of year they were missing most of their leaves.  
   
She spent three cold months in the most northern part of Russia, up in the land that started to turn into the North Pole, man’s land, a dessert that you would freeze to death in. There were no trees there, not anymore, they had all been cut down for supplies for the war. For three long winter months it was nothing but vast earth, wind blowing as widely as it wanted to.  
   
There's something about that kind of wind. The chill you to the bone wind. The make you wrap in seven layers, hide your face, turn away, stay inside, never leave shelter kind of wind. The sound it makes, that whistle like a freight train. It surrounds you with noise, overloading your brain, causing you to panic. It wraps you up, finding every single nook and cranny to work its way to your skin, every single opening not covered by a layer of clothes, every single space. If you don't tuck your gloves into your jacket sleeve, if you don't wrap your scarves up to your neck, if your boots don't cover your pants, it's over. The wind will find those places, move into your clothes and take a piece of your soul, howling the entire time. The wind steals your happiness, breaks your spirit, takes things from you that you didn't even know could be taken, it strips you bare and exposes your secrets.  
   
For an entire winter Tobin sat in this bare land, the first day she was partnered up with a girl from somewhere in Montana. She was the type of northerner who claimed to never get cold, but by the time their tour was over, was wrapped up in more clothes than Tobin. They spent the winter in a hut, talking about the past and their futures. They talked about Sofia and how much Tobin loved her. The talked about the girls’ boyfriend and how she was expecting a proposal whenever they got out of that hell hole. They talked about everything and nothing, and by the end of it, they were friends. It was like the wind brought them together, the devil wind made them friends. Sometimes Tobin would laugh, thinking about what would have happened if they turned out to hate each other, if they couldn’t stand the sight of one another. Lucky for her, they ended up having similar personalities and they could talk.  
   
What if she went to Christen’s? What if she went for tea? What if they sat down to talk and it turned out that Christen didn’t like her? What if she had nothing interesting to say? What if it turned out that this person she had turned into was boring? What if they only had tea once? What if Christen never wanted to see her again?

 

   
Tobin could feel her heart sink. She took her mind out of her thoughts, tuning back into Kelley’s story.  
   
“So, he turned out to be pretty cool at the end,” Kelley said as they pulled into the junk yard.  
   
“You’re talking about the raven you threw a shoe at?” Tobin asked.  
   
She nodded, “Yeah, at the end we forgave each other, and he flew off majestically.”  
   
Tobin stared at her for a second, “You have a weird life.”  
   
“I know,” she grinned.  
   
They got out the car and went up to the cabin in front of the junk yard. One of the things Tobin loved about this particular junk yard was Old Man Morrow. He was a grumpy man, with a bald head and a full beard already grey and white. He had lines in his face like bark on a tree, and scars on his hands that told a story. Tobin liked him because he didn’t talk much, only used as many words as necessary to get his point across, never idle chit chat, and Tobin could handle that.  
   
Just like all the times before Tobin reminded the old man why she was there to drop off the yellow Datsun and pick up the red jeep. Just like before he nodded stating that he remembered and to drop the car off in the back in any open spot. Just like before Kelley tried to ask more questions, and the old man’s face scrounged up from the excess talking, and Tobin pulled her friend out the door so they could do what they came for.  
   
As Tobin let the car down from the truck, Kelley watched with huge eyes. “You sure you want to get rid of him?”  
   
“Yeah,” Tobin said in a sad tone. If she was honest with herself, she would miss seeing the little monster in the yard, “It’ll have a good home here.”  
   
“He’s going to take him apart,” Kelley cried.  
   
“And his parts will be used for good.” Tobin chuckled, “I’ll find another car to make a rally car.”  
   
“You’re going to build me a car?” She wiggled her eyebrows.  
   
Tobin shook her head, “I hate you.”  
   
-

It didn’t take long for them to load the jeep onto the flatbed and start their drive home. They didn’t talk much on the way back, Tobin spent most of the time with her arm out the window, letting the cold wind blow up her sleeve and chill her body. She wanted to feel the cold against her skin; she wanted to smell the winter air while it was just the right temperature to be able to stand the outdoors. She let the feeling clear her mind, take away all her concerns. If she was going to be Christen’s friend, then she needed to be okay with the whole thing, the idea couldn’t haunt her, or she would never go through with it. So she let the wind fill the cab of the car, flush her mind of worry like it flushed her cheeks, and by the time they pulled into the compound she felt better about the idea. 

“Christen wants to be my friend,” Tobin said simply.

Kelley looked at her wide eyed, “When did she tell you this?”

“At the dinner party,” Tobin shrugged. “She said she wants me to see her as more than a doctor, that she wants to be my friend.”

“There was a dinner party,” Kelley whined, focusing on the wrong part of the conversation. 

“It wasn’t really a party, Ali asked me to diner with her and Ashlyn, and then Ashlyn didn’t want me to feel weird so she invited more people.” She started work on getting the jeep off the truck, “Christen and I talked, and she said she wanted to be my friend.”

“How come when I’m gone people throw dinner parties?” She crossed her arms like a little kid that didn’t get invited to a slumber party.

Tobin shook her head, “You’re being there or not being there had no bearing on the diner happening, besides Ali feeling bad for me and asking me to diner. Besides, you’re not listening, Christen wants to be my friend.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Kelley leaned against the tow truck, looking over to her friend, “She has been trying to talk to you since she got here. I figured eventually she would want to be your friend.” She paused for a second, letting Tobin take in what she had just said, “How do you feel about her, you know being her friend.”

Tobin turned to face her still pouting friend, “Okay, I guess. She’s nice.”

“She is nice,” Kelley smiled, “I think she would be a good friend.”

“Yeah,” she answered, then turned to focus on the giant vehicle rolling down the flat bed. 

 

-

As the sun was starting to set, Kelley was in the garage tinkering with the project she had left unfinished when she left for her hike. Tobin was sitting outside on the porch steps, a beer in one hand, the other hand pushed into her jacket pocket for warmth. Her eyes were on the new jeep in the lot, a big red hard top with giant mud tires. It was beautiful, the way only a monster vehicle could be. If it wasn’t for Christen, Tobin might had kept it for herself, turned it into a trail queen, take it on the mountain, rule the world from the top of a peak. Just as she was think of how she would flip the jeep, a voice came from the front of the compound. Tobin stood up and smiled, happy to see the woman coming towards her. 

“Hey Doc,” she said happily, “What are you doing up here?”

“Came to see you,” Christen answered sweetly, “You said you were picking up the jeep today. Thought I’d come check it out.”

Tobin set her beer down on the porch, “Yeah, we got it a few hours ago.” She walked down the steps directing her towards the car in the yard, “She looks better than I thought, in much better shape too.”

Christen stared at the car, “They didn’t have it in black?”

Tobin shoved her hands in pocket taking a deep breath, “I mean, no… I could maybe… I don’t know…” she turned to see Christen smiling from ear to ear, “You’re joking.”

“Yup,” she laughed softly watching Tobin visibly relax. “It’ looks really good, this will be the final body, right?”

Tobin nodded, happy to be off the hook with the paint color, “Yeah, this will be how it looks. I might add a few lights on the brow, just so you can really see in the darkness up here.”

“Sounds good to me,” she looked over to Tobin, then just past her to the noise in the garage, “Is Kelley back?”

Tobin turned to the light and loud banging, “Yeah, she got back this morning.”

“Are you happy to have her back?” The young doctor tried to ask without sounding clinical.

“Of course,” she smiled, looking down to avoid eye contact while she shared a bit of her feelings, “I just hope it was enough time for her to process whatever she was trying to process. I love having Kelley home, I don’t really know what to do without her, but I want her to be okay.”

Christen pressed her lips together, the doctor inside wanting to pry deeper into the statement, but she knew Tobin didn’t need that right now, “Well, I hope she’s processed, and she stays.”

“Me too,” Tobin looked over to the green eyes staring back at her, “But if she does need to go again, at least I have the jeep.”

This was the anxious girls attempt to change the subject and Christen was more than happy to let her off the emotional hook. “Yeah, I can’t wait until it’s done, I’m really excited.”

“Yeah, she should really be something when I’m done,” She said in a confident voice, “I’ll probably go to 38 in a few days, pick up the drivetrain, then it’ll only be a few weeks until I have it running.”

“You don’t have to rush, you know,” Christen explained sweetly, “I know you have other projects you have to do, I’m not in a big rush, you can take your time.”

“It’s no trouble, really,” Tobin smiled, “I like big jobs.”

“Well good, I just don’t want to take away from the rest of the town.” She flashed a nervous smile. “I feel like I’m hogging you or something, I mean you're building me a jeep.”

Tobin reached her hand up to the back of her neck and let a smile come on her face, “I don’t mind, I’m happy to build you a jeep.”

They stood for few more minuets, looking out at the jeep, Tobin telling Christen about a few more things she wanted to add to the vehicle to make it bigger and better. After a while, Christen headed back to the town, needing to start back before it got too dark to see. Before she made it out the front gate she made Tobin promise to come to town to see her.

Tobin sat back on the porch, drinking the last of her beer, happy that she didn’t mess up the conversation, happy everything flowed so easily, and Christen wanted to see her again. Maybe being friends would be easier than she thought.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heat is broken in the clinic. Tobin to the rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading and commenting and all that great stuff. It's super appreciated. Enjoy the chapter and ignore those typos.

The weather had changed quickly. One day it was bearable, you could put on a coat and be fine. Then it rained for two days, and now it was so cold you couldn’t walk out the house for more than a second without layering up. It was almost time for snow, for the white blanket to cover the ground, pretty and clean, but a pain in the ass when you drove for most of your job. The mud was frozen over, the tracks of the previous trucks now cemented into the trails until a warm front came and softened it enough for another truck to leave its mark.

Now that she was standing outside in the cold, Kelley was happy she cut her hike short, being out in the woods in this cold was a death sentence, and finding the way back in the snow when the trails were covered up was close to impossible. Now was the time of the year when the days were shorter, sometimes to the point where you would wonder if you ever saw the sun at all. The woods during this season was no place for humans, even experienced hikers like herself.

She had been back for a few days, long enough to bug Tobin about going to town to talk to the doctor, which her friend refused to do, because it ‘wasn’t time.’ This morning, she was stuck behind the clinic trying to reroute power from second generator to the breaker box that powered the heating system in the building. The call came early in the morning, if Kelley had slept in the last few days she might have missed it, but like usual, she was awake trying to fix something in the garage and answered Tiffany’s duress.

She was struggling to hold onto her tools as the hour passed. Her hand was so cold it felt like a baseball glove, gripping the small tool was out of the question. It was time to head it and sit by the little space heater they had going inside, warm up for a bit before she lost all feeling in her extremities.

Dr. Press and Tiffany were inside, Kelley had talked to them for a few minuets before she started work on the power to the heater. She pushed the door open, shivering as she closed it behind herself, looking around to find the two women, let them know what she had found, and what needed to happen to restore warmth to the old building. She headed towards the office, the door was slightly ajar, the two women inside talking. Kelley paused for a second to listen to their conversation. 

“Did you talk to her?” Tiffany asked.

Christen took a sharp breath in, “I did. I went up there the other day when they picked up the jeep, we talked for a bit.”

“And what did she say?” She asked, sounding like she had a smile on her face. 

“Typical Tobin things,” Christen chuckled, “Nervous as usual, but as sweet as ever.”

Tiffany laughed lightly, “The nervousness should go away soon. That’s how she was with every new person, but eventually it goes away and she’s more open to talking.”

“I hope it’s soon,” Christen sighed, “I want things to get better between us. I want to get to know her, I just need a chance.”

“You’ll find away,” she said in a hopeful tone, “Just give it a little time.”

“I know,” she let out another sigh, “I’m not in a rush.”

Kelley couldn’t help but smile, the conversation confirming what she already suspected. She wanted to listen to them talking, but her body was frozen, and the space heater was in the office, so she knocked on the open door, allowing it to swing up enough to see the two women inside. Tiffany was sitting on the couch in the far end of the room, all wrapped up in a coat with a beanie on her head. Christen was leaning back in her desk chair, her white doctors coat on over her blue button up shirt, her arms across her body trying to seal in the heat.

“Hey,” Kelley said cheerfully as she walked into the office, “It’s cold.”

“Well shut the door,” Tiffany groaned at her, “Keep the heat in.”

“Right, sorry,” Kelley chuckled, coming all the way into the office and shutting the door, and looking at he nurse sitting on the couch in the office and the doctor at the her desk. “I have good news and bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” Christen asked. 

The freckled faced girl turned and gave her a half smile, “The capacitor on the secondary solar panel is fried, it wont store any power, so it won’t work unless the sun is shinning, which at this time of year is almost never, especially with all this cloud cover and days only being like two minutes.”

Christen crossed her arms on the desk top and laid her head down, “So that means no heat.”

“That’s the good news,” Kelley replied happily, “You can use your generator to run the heat and all the secondary electronics in the building, it just needs to be hooked up and the fuel tank filled.”

“That’s great,” the doctor cheered, popping her head up and looking up at the woman with big eyes. “How do we get the generator going?”  
  
“Tobin,” Kelley replied simply, “She can come hook everything up, and bring fuel.”

Christen stood up, “So, Tobin is coming here?”  
“She will be,” Kelley giggled at the clearly panicked woman, “I have to radio her first.”

“Right,” she laughed, looking down at her shirt and trying to smooth out some of the wrinkles, “Well, uh… You radio Tobin, and I will be right back.”

“Where are you going?” Tiffany called after the doctor as she headed out the office. 

“No where,” Christen called back, “I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

-

Tobin was enjoying her morning coffee when the radio sitting on the kitchen counter went off. Kelley’s voice calling out over the stream calling for her. She answered the call reluctantly, knowing what was going to be asked of her. Kelley was at the clinic trying to restore heat to the building and if she was calling for Tobin’s help, it meant she was going to have to go down there, and Christen was at the clinic.  
   
It had been two days since the doctor had come up to talk about the jeep, two days since the last time Tobin laid eyes on her, since they talked, and it was the only thing that Tobin could think of. She woke up thinking about it, she thought about it the entire time she worked, she ate meals thinking about it, she fell asleep thinking about it, and when she slept, she dreamt of Sofia.  
   
There was no way to get out of going to the clinic, she was the only mechanic in town, the only one who knew how to properly hook up the generator and the only one who had fuel ration privileges that could get her unlimited fuel. The day they got to town, Tobin was excited to know she was the only one fixing cars and engines, it was nice to be needed, but right now, rummaging through her footlocker for a clean pair of coveralls, she wished someone else could take this call.  
   
Seeing Christen, talking to her again, after she spent two days thinking about her, was nerve racking. How in the world was she supposed to be calm around her now? Before, when the woman pissed her off, when the mere mention of her name brought out anger and rage, it was easy, she could focus, she could do her job and leave. Now, after they had agreed to be friends, after Tobin had settled the idea in her mind, after all that she had no idea how to just do her job. She felt compelled to talk to her, she felt this need to share things with her, and that’s not the level they were at yet, if they would ever get there. How was she supposed to do this?  
   
She pulled on her clean, dark blue coveralls, zipping up the front, flattening the collar as much as possible, securing the Velcro on the wrist. She tucked the laces of her boots into the tops, whipped the smug from the left toe. Looking in the mirror, she decided to pull her messy brown hair into a low ponytail, then put her clean blue hat over it, pulling it low. This was okay, this was a good look. Right? She pulled on her heavy coat and headed out the door.  
   
   
-  
   
   
Kelley sat in the arm chair in the office, rubbing her hands together, and holding them near the space heater. She wanted to question things, talk about the conversation she overheard, and normally letting someone know you eavesdropped on them wasn’t the best tactic, but if Tobin and the doctor were ever going to figure out the confusing mess they were in, Kelley was going to have to meddle, just a little.  
   
“So I heard you two talking,” Kelley blurted out, no tact. “About Tobin… About the doc liking the Tobster.”  
   
Tiffany let a smile come across her face, “And what of it?”  
   
She was playing coy, just like Kelley thought she would, girl code forcing her to keep a secret while also helping her friend. Luckily Kelley wasn’t held to such a code, she may have been a girl, but she was also a Marine, and there was no coy when it came to helping her friend get the girl.  
   
“I know the doc likes Tobin,” she laughed, leaning back in her chair trying to look as cool as possible, “Don’t worry, Toby likes her too, at least, I know she does, Tobin is still working it out.”  
   
“I figured,” the nurse responded in an all-knowing tone, “So what do we do about it?”  
   
Kelley pushed her hands in her coat pocket, “We could let it play out, and in a few years Tobin will have it all figured out. Or…”  
   
“Or…?” Tiffany leaned forward, waiting to hear the plan.  
   
With one eyebrow cocked, Kelley smirked, “We can push it. Just a little,” she added quickly, “At a good pace, so Tobin doesn’t freak herself out, but fast enough the doc doesn’t lose interest in her. Fast, but comfortable, just a little push.”  
   
“And how do we do that?” she asked curiously.  
   
“They need to spend time together. They need an activity. Something that will force them to be together and talk, something they can’t run from.” She thought for a second, “They really don’t have any activities in common, I mean besides the jeep, but we still need to go to 38 to pick up the drivetrain.”  
   
“That’s it!” Tiffany popped up out of her seat. “Chris needs to go to 37. There’s a patient here that needs a medication, and the only place we can find it is 37. I was going to drive up with her, but, what if we suggest that she ride up to 38 with Tobin, that’s twelve hours of them being together, in a truck, no escape. They’ll have to get to know each other then.”  
   
Kelley stood up, “That is… Diabolical… I love it.”  
   
Tiffany giggled at the silly girl, “So how do we pull it off?”  
   
“You get the doc on board, and I’ll handle Tobin.”  
   
   
-  
   
   
The lights were on in the clinic, of course, there were people inside, Christen was inside. Tobin sat in the truck, her hand gripping the steering wheel, her heart beating so loud she could swear it was outside her chest.  
   
“Come on Tobin,” she said in a low voice, her breath in the air. “Get out the car.”  
   
She had turned the truck off, the cab was getting colder by the second. When she pulled into town, parked outside the building she was confident, ready to go. The second she saw the light in the building, in the widow of the office, all the courage she had left her. The confidence she had poured out her body and was now officially flying far away. She sat in the truck, waiting for the courage to fly back, but it had been five minutes and she was still nervous. But it was cold, so cold she could feel her cheeks start to pink up, and she needed to get out of the truck.  
   
“Let’s go,” she whispered to herself, “You can do this.”  
   
Finally after a few deep breaths, she got out the truck, grabbing her tool box, and walking up the steps. She tried to calm her breathing as she made it to the office, pausing for just a second before knocking on the door and opening it up. She looked around, and Christen was nowhere to be found, and Tobin’s heart sunk.  
   
“Hey dude,” Kelley smiled, “Took you long enough.”  
   
“Uh, yeah, sorry,” Tobin said in an airy voice, “Sorry, couldn’t find some tools.” She looked over to the other girl in the room, “Hey Tiff.”  
   
“Hey Tobin,” she grinned, “How are you?”  
   
“Cold,” she smirked, “But I guess we all are huh?”  
   
“Yeah.”  
   
A voice called from behind causing Tobin to turn and look. Christen was standing in the doorway, looking as perfect as ever. She was wearing a white button up shirt and dark blue jeans, her hair down and curly around her face, her eyes as green as they had ever been, and suddenly Tobin’s heart was pounding again.  
   
“The heat went out sometime in the night,” Christen told her with a smile, “I woke up a popsicle.”  
   
Tobin laughed, “Well, I can fix it,” she flashed a huge smile, “Don’t worry.”  
   
“Yeah, don’t worry,” Kelley said cheerfully, putting her arm around her best friends shoulders, “Tobin can fix anything.” She looked over to her friend smirked, “Let’s go Toby.”  
   
Christen moved out of the door way and let the two girls pass, watching as they headed for the front door.  
   
When the two girls were out of ear shot, Tiffany stood next to her friend, “Did you change clothes?”  
   
“No,” Christen snorted, moving over to her desk.  
  
“Yeah you did,” the nurse started to crack up, “And you put on makeup.”  
   
“It’s called looking professional, Tiff,” Christen retorted.  
   
Tiffany let out another laugh, “Yeah, sure.”  
 

-  
   
   
Before she had a chance to think of anything else to say, Tobin was dragged out the office, out the building, and into the cold. As the freezing air hit her she felt a wave, almost like she was sobering up. She straightened her coat, lowered her eyebrows, and headed for the back of the building.  
   
“So, what do you have hooked up so far?”  
“You’re not getting out of this that easy,” Kelley said walking after her friend, “What was that back there?”  
   
Tobin kept moving to the back of the building, not looking back at her friend, “What are you talking about?”  
   
“Seriously?” she chuckled, “ _I can fix it_ ” she mocked her friend, “You were bragging.”  
   
“Was not,” the mechanic called out, sounding like a little kid, “I was just saying that I can fix the heat.”  
   
“I know you can,” Kelley teased, “I’m just saying you sounded a little braggy. Maybe you were showing off. Maybe trying to look cool for a certain someone.”  
   
Tobin set her toolbox down, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”  
   
“Oh no?” Kelley leaned against the wall, “You don’t want to look cool in front of someone in there?”  
   
“I don’t want to look cool in front of anyone,” she shrugged, “I just want to fix the heat.”  
   
“Right,” Kelley nodded, “So, Christen thinking you are cool, and fixing her heat, saving her day, all that doesn’t matter?”  
   
“No,” Tobin replied quickly, “Why would it matter? I’m just doing my job. A job that you called me up here to do, by the way.” She popped open the break box and started to work.  
   
“Okay, okay,” she could sense her friend getting frustrated by the conversation, “It’s cool, I mean you’ll have plenty of time to brag when we all go up to 38.”  
   
“What?” Tobin over quickly. “What are you talking about, _we_?”  
   
Kelley crossed her arms, “I mean, the doc needs to go to 37 to pick up some meds for someone in town, and she needs a ride. We have room in the truck, so she’s going with us to 38.”  
   
“Are you insane?” Tobin shouted. She put her tools back in the box, picking it up and walking off.  
   
Kelley watched the display in disbelieve, “Where are you going?” she called after her friend, when she didn’t get an answer she chased after her, “What are you doing Tobin?”  
   
“Leaving,” Tobin stated, halfway to her truck.  
   
“You haven’t finished,” Kelley laughed lightly, hoping this was all a joke, “Why are you leaving?”  
   
“I can’t believe you,” Tobin yelled, stopping in her tracks. “I can’t believe you would invite her to 38 with us.”  
   
“Why?” Kelley yelled, matching her angry friends tone, “What’s the big deal. I thought you two were friends now, or whatever.”  
   
“Dammit, Kelley, you just can’t stop, can you?” she threw her empty hand in the air, “You can’t leave well enough alone.”  
   
This caused the cheerful girl to recoil, take a step back, pushing her hands into her coat pocket, “What are you talking about?”  
   
“What do you want me to do Kells?” Tobin asked, her voice now lowering from her angry level, “What do you want me to admit? That I like her? That I am interested in her? Well I do, and I am, okay? I am interested in Christen.”  
   
“So, what’s wrong with her coming with us?” she asked confused.  
   
Tobin lowered her head, “I’m not ready for that.” She said sounding small. “Kelley, I’m not ready to have feelings for her. I’m not ready to have feelings for anyone but Sofia.”  
   
That was a name Kelley had not heard in years. Tobin refused to say it. She refused to talk about the girl, refused to talk about anything that involved her. The only time the subject came even close to coming up was when Kelley was drunk and crying about Emily. The pain of hearing her name, the anger in saying it, the hurt they both felt, it was overwhelming.  
   
“Tobin…” Kelley took a deep breath, “It’ been…”  
   
“I know,” she cut her off, “Trust me, I know how long it’s been.”  
   
Kelley nodded, knowing that Tobin knew the time down to the exact hour, “She told you…”  
   
“I know,” Tobin pushed out, “I know what she said.”  
   
“You have to be happy, Toby,” Kelley could feel herself starting to get chocked up. “You have to find happiness, for your own sake and mine.”  
   
Tobin looked up at her friend, “Why for you sake?”  
   
“Because,” Kelley paused for a second, “If you can’t be happy, if you can’t find someone, if you can’t find a second person to love you, then how the hell am I supposed to do it?”  
   
“Kelley,” she reached out and put her hand on her friends shoulder, “You’ll find someone.”  
   
“Maybe,” she took a deep breath, “But you have found someone, and dammit Toby she is freaking awesome. Christen is cool, and smart and sweet and everything you are looking for. I just want you to not be afraid.”  
   
“I’m not afraid.”  
   
“Yes you are,” Kelley stopped her friend from lying to herself, “I know you, better than anyone knows you, better than you know you, and I know when you are afraid. I know when you are afraid of person or an idea, and right now you are afraid of an idea. You’re afraid that Christen could be something, that she could be big, she could be something amazing. It scares the hell out of you, but you don’t have to be scared.”  
   
“Oh, no?” Tobin couldn’t help but smile.  
   
Kelley stood up straight, “No you don’t, because she is great, I know it and you know it.” She smiled, “Everything is going to be great, and if it’s not, if she turns out to be evil, then I will help you defeat her, just like I’ve done our whole lives.”  
   
Tobin cracked a smile, “You’ll help me defeat her?” she started to laugh, “You’re a good friend.”  
   
“I try to be,” she laughed, her normal bubbly demeanor coming back, “I’m sorry for trying to rush you.”  
   
“It’s okay,” Tobin shrugged, “You mean well.”  
   
“And that’s what counts,” she gave a huge grin. “Now are you cool with the doc coming on our road trip?”  
   
She shrugged, “I guess so.”  
   
Kelley hugged her friend, “It’s going to be kick ass, trust me.”  
   
They walked over to the breaker box and started to work on the hooking up the generator. Kelley started discussing what they should do on the road trip, the stops they have to make to show Christen, and Tobin started to remember the day before she shipped out for the first time.  
   
__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   
 _The duffel bag was heavy, digging into her right shoulder as it did the day she left boot camp, only this time she had the sleeves of her green camouflage top rolled up, the USMC tattoo on her arm just peeking out, her hat pulled low so her eyes couldn’t be seen. If someone were to look her in the eye right now they would see the redness, she had been crying, last night and a little this morning. She was walking out the the dorms, down to the bus in the far parking lot, the bus that would take her to the Air Force Base, where she would get on a plane to her first deployment. She paused at the steps, her heart sinking, knowing what she had done was wrong, but it was the only way she knew how to get through this._

_“Tobin Powell Heath,” a familiar voice called out._

_Tobin didn’t look back, she couldn’t, she adjusted the heavy bag on her shoulder and started down the steps. She could hear the foot steps behind her, the bare feet slapping against the concrete as her girlfriend chased her down. Tobin had left without saying goodbye, just got up, changed into her uniform, grabbed her bag, and walked out the room without waking her, without so much as a kiss on the cheek, and now Sofia was coming after her._

_“Tobin, stop,” She yelled, half anger, half sadness, “Stop right now, Marine.”_

_The order stopped her in her tracks, her feet stuck on the bottom step like she was trapped in tar. She held tight to the railing, trying to will herself to move, to run away before she had to face the consequences of her actions, but she couldn’t move, part of her wanted to see her again, to say goodbye._

_“You were just going to leave?” Sofia cried, now only a few steps above Tobin on the stairs, “You were going to leave for six months without saying goodbye?”_

_“I can’t,” Tobin choked out. She turned and looked up at the woman she loved, “I can’t say goodbye to you.”_

_“You can’t just leave me laying in your bed either, Tobin,” she huffed, holding back her sadness, “You can’t leave and not say goodbye, no matter how hard it is.”_

_Tobin let her green duffle bag fall to the ground, “I can’t cry,” she sobbed, “I’m a Marine. If they see me crying, I’ll never hear the end of it, I’ll never be able to act tough, and I have to be tough, out there, with those guys I have to be the toughest one out there. I can’t be the one who cried, and if I say goodbye to you, then I’ll cry. If you come with me to that bus, I might never get on.”_

_She went down the steps, close enough to touch her girlfriend who was doing her best to hold back tears, “Then I won’t go to the bus,” she whispered, finally closing the gap between them, “We can say goodbye right here, alone,” she pulled her in close._

_Without hesitation, Tobin buried her face in her girlfriend chest, taking in her scent, trying her bast not to let the tears flow down her cheeks, “I’m going to miss you so much.”_

_“I’m going to miss you too,” she whispered in her ear, “So, so much.”_

_Tobin pulled back, looking up and into the deep hazel of Sofia’s eyes, “I love you so much. Sofia, I never thought I could ever love someone like I love you. It almost consumes me they way I love you. I don’t know what to do without you.”_

_“I love you too,” she cupped her cheek gently, “You have no idea how much. My life is empty without you.”_

_“How are we going to get through this?” Tobin’s eyes were welling up, tears threatening to fall._

_“It’s only six months,” she answered sweetly, “We can get through this. Six months and you’ll be home, back in bed, next to me, where you belong.”_

_“I want to go back to bed now,” She lowered her head, letting one tear escape._

_Sofia lifted her head up, “Six months, it’s not too long. You can do this. We can do this.”_

_“You promise?” Tobin sighed._

_“I promise,” she smiled down to her, “Six months and we will be back in bed.”_

_Tobin took a step up, leveling them out, and pulling Sofia in as close as she could get. She let the warmth of her body calm her one last time, she pulled back just enough to capture her lips, store the feeling of kissing her in her mind to carry her through the months of being apart. She held tight for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and stepping down to grab her bag. She pulled her hat lower on her head, and turned to face the stairs._

_“I love you,” She turned her head to say._

_Sofia put her hand on her shoulder, “I love you too.”_

_That was all she could take, if she said anymore she would find a way to talk herself into staying, disobeying orders and going right back to bed where she felt like she belonged. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder on last time then walked down the steps, only looking back once to see her girlfriend standing on the steps trying her best to hide her tears._

_Tobin got on the bus, she watched the scenery pass by her as they rode to the nearest Air Base. She watched her bags get on the truck headed to the plane. She sat on the ground with her back against the wall waiting for orders. She got on the plane, watched out the window as it took off. She watched as it flew over Yuma, over where Sofia was. She held in her sadness, repeating in her head over and over that it was only six months._

_That was the last time she saw Yuma, the last time she would ever walk out that dorm room, the last time she would leave that base. It would be eight months until she saw Sofia again._

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two best friends walked into the clinic, holding their hands up as the felt the heat coming through the vents. It only took an hour for Tobin to hook up the generator and to restore the heat, now the place was warming up nicely.

“It’s fixed,” Christen said with a huge smile, “You’re my hero.”

“I’m no ones hero,” Tobin said shyly. 

Kelley popped up, “I’ll be your hero, if you want.”

“The job is yours,” Christen chuckled. 

Tobin laughed at her friend, knowing she was just trying to relieve the tension, to help her relax. Now that her feelings were out in the open, at least to Kelley, it was a little hard to even look at Christen, even if her smile did light up the room. 

“So what’s the damage?” Tiffany asked. 

Tobin took her attention away from the young doctor and spoke up, “It’s should run fine for a while. I filled the tank and hooked up a secondary tank so you shouldn’t run out of fuel for a few days. Kelley should be able to find a capacitor by then, right Kells?”

“Sure thing,” Kelley smiled, clearly not listening to the conversation. 

“Yeah, so if you have any problems, just radio me,” Tobin told her, “But I think our job here is done.”

“Sounds good,” Tiffany said cheerfully. 

Tobin held tight to her tool box, shifting in her stance, she wanted to say something else, but her nerves got the better of her, so she gave an awkward wave and headed for the door. Before she got a chance to leave, Kelley was in front of her. 

“Talk to her,” she said through an all teeth smile, “The road trip.” She was talking but her mouth wasn’t moving, “Give her the deets.”

Tobin took a breath, then turned back around, “I hear you are coming with us tomorrow on the road trip.”

Christen popped up, “Yeah, thanks for letting me tag along. I just need to swing by 37 for a few minuets. The doctor there has a supply of a medication that I need for a patient. I ordered some from the UMC, but it won’t be here for three weeks, and I kind of need it now.”

“Happy we could help,” Tobin smiled.

“You always seem to be helping me,” she replied cheerfully.

Tobin rubbed the back on her neck, her head slightly down, “It’s no big deal really.”

“Well thank you,” she said sweetly, “And I promise I won’t take up too much space, or ruin your trip or anything.”

“You couldn’t ruin it,” the shy girl replied before her brain thought better, “I’m sure you’ll make it better, I mean, it is twelve hours in the car with Kelley.”

“Hey,” Kelley chimed in, “I’m a great road trip partner.”

“Of course you are,” Tobin mocked. She turned to Christen and smiled, “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at seven.”

“Bright and early,” she answered with a bright smile, “I’ll make the coffee.”

Tobin nodded, “Sounds good.”

Before she could make a fool out of herself, she turned, pulling Kelley out the door with her. 

They stood outside by their trucks, Tobin with a goofy grin. 

“Look at you,” Kelley teased, “You can’t stop smiling.”

Tobin reached out giving her friend a little push, “I’m just excited.”

“I know you are,” she laughed, “I’m excited too, this will be fun.”

“Yeah, it should be,” she said optimistically, “Thanks for setting it up, and for talking me off the ledge earlier.”

“Hey, what are best friends for."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Not gonna lie, I'm pretty sick. My wife gave me this cold/flu/demon possession, and I've been hopped up on meds for a few days. Anyways, point, I posted the unedited version of this chapter first. So if you are re-reading this, some minor things have changed. If you are just reading it, then disregard and carry on.
> 
> Sorry it took so long, I had to skip a week, I had a whole crap load of stuff to do. I'm back on track now. Thanks for waiting.

Tobin stepped into her jeans, the second time in a while that she was wearing something other than her coveralls. She wanted to look decent on this road trip, prove that she was more than just a mechanic, that she was more interesting as a person than what she did for a living. She wanted to be seen as Tobin, so the dirty coverall were packed in the bag (she still needed them to work on the jeep when they arrived) and the jeans and long sleeve t-shirt went on, along with her black boots, and black baseball hat. 

This morning was a time for first, she woke up smiling, she woke up happy. She had dreamt of the trip, of having time to talk with Christen. She fell asleep nervous, and anxious, but somehow relaxed at the same time. The thought of Christen freaking her out, but calming her in a way she hadn’t been in a long time. The sun may not have been shinning at six o’clock in the morning, but in her mind the world was brighter than she had seen in a while. She even had a song in her head, an old one she hadn’t heard in a long time, it kept playing over and over, just the chorus sounding off like a anthem:

_Did you see that shooting star tonight?_  
_Were you dazzled by the same constellation?_  
_Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me?_  
_I think you and the Moon and Neptune got it right_  
_“Cause now I’m shining bright, so bright_

She packed her bag, everything she needed for the trip, everything clean and neat and folded perfectly to fit the space, just like she was taught to, just like she had done a million times. Her mind flashed back to her and Kelley at boot camp, rolling their t-shirts perfectly, folding the underwear into little squares with identical edges, their socks like tight little tan fist set inside their foot locker. The hours they spent getting everything perfect, no wrinkles, not a single crease that wasn’t meant to be there. They would but cardboard in their hats to keep its shape, tie knots at the end of their boot strings so they would never come out the top eyelet. They spent two hours shinning their shoes for their service dress, shining the metals on their chest, lint rolling every single inch of their starched uniforms, until it was impeccable. The neatness was beat into her in that place, and it kept her calm when she was out of it; in the forest, with a ruck sack filled with only what she needed, folding the clothes kept her mind occupied when it wanted to freak out, give up; simply rolling her socks after they had been hung to dry, it was something small that kept her sane, kept her alive. It was something she could never get rid of.

The song played again in her head, echoing through her mind. She tried to remember the last time she heard the song, the last time she played it for herself, or if someone had played it for her. It was a song she knew well, but still the last time she had listened to it was so long ago, and it’s never occurred to her to find it again. Why was it was playing in her mind? It’s not like it mattered, it was a happy song, and she was happy, maybe she could listen to it on the road trip, maybe Christen liked it. 

What kind of music did Christen like? Maybe they had to the same taste, hopefully they did. Music was a huge part of Tobin’s life, a part that made her who she was. It had been a long time since her fingers grazed over the steel strings of a guitar, but she was willing to bet she still knew exactly how to play, a skill she couldn’t forget, a talent she hadn’t showed anyone in a long time. Maybe she should get a guitar, someone could find one for her, she could play again, be happy on the porch plucking the strings until her finger hurt and her throat was sore from singing along. Maybe this was something she should do on the way back, be something else besides the mechanic in the garage, show the world that she was more.

She zipped up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder and walked out of her room. Kelley was in the kitchen, doing something that Tobin was sure would make them late. She dropped her bag off by the door and looked over to her friend, then down to the black watch she had on her wrist, the one she hadn’t worn in years.

“Kelley,” she shouted, getting the attention of her friend, “Let’s go, we’re gonna be late.”

She looked up with her bright hazel eyes, a spoon in her mouth, her eyebrows knitted together. She popped the spoon from her mouth, “Dude, I’m not going with you.”

Tobin, dropped her arms to her side, “Stop joking around. Where’s your bag?”

“Toby, seriously, I’m not going. I’m not trying to pull a fast one on you or anything, I just have things I need to take care of.” Kelley chuckled, making her way to her friend. “Listen, I know I said I was going to go but that was before the solar panel got messed up. I have to find a capacitor or the clinic will be running off the generator for weeks, maybe months. I have to start the hunt for the part, like yesterday.”

“No,” Tobin said in a deep tone, the ‘o’ rumbling in her throat, “You have to come with me, to help me. I can’t go on this trip with Christen alone. Kelley, I can’t do that.”

“Chill,” she laughed again, “You can do this dude, trust me.” She pause for a second and watched the panic in best friends eyes, “This is a good thing, this gives you two a chance to talk, one on one, really get to know each other.”

Tobin shook her head, “What if I…”

“Nope, no negative thoughts,” Kelley reached out and put her hand on Tobin’s shoulders, “Have confidence mi amigo, you’re Tobin Heath. You know there was a time when you could talk to anyone about anything.”

“That person is long gone,” she huffed, her head lowering.

“No, she’s just buried deep inside you,” She leaned down to meet her friends eyes forcing her to look up, “You just have to find her. Christen is awesome, she sweet, and probably the most understanding person in history. All you have to do is talk, get to know her and let her get to know you.”

“How in the world am I supposed to do that?” she asked with a nervous look.

“You won’t even have to try,” Kelley reassured her, “Just give it a little time and the conversation will just flow. You got this.”

Tobin huffed, taking a step back and putting her hands on her head, “I don’t know Kelley, she makes me… Nervous.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Yes,” she smiled, “And no.”

“But mostly yes.” Kelley laughed, “Toby, you got this. You don’t need me there taking up all the space. Besides you don’t want me near your girl, I have too much charisma, I’m too charming, I’ll out shine you, and she’ll fall for me, and then you and I can’t be friends anymore because I can’t have you given googly eyes to my girl.”

“Is that how that would go?” Tobin cracked a smile.

Kelley stuck her chin out, “Pretty much, I’m amazing.” She took a step closer pulling Tobin’s arms down and placing be her side, “But you are pretty amazing yourself, and you got this.”

She looked over through worried eyes, “You sure?”

“One Hundred Percent.” She grinned.

 

\--

 

The drive seemed shorter than usual, even though Tobin had driven to town a million times, here in the dark she needed time to prepare. Without Kelley she was going to have to talk a lot more than she knew how, and she needed time to figure out what she was going to say. Maybe Christen had things she wanted to talk about, maybe she would take up most of the talking space, and Tobin could just listen. She had a nice voice, it was soothing, and her laugh it was beautiful, and infectious, Tobin had trouble not laughing when she did. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as she originally thought. Still, the twenty minute drive felt like ten and suddenly she was parked outside the clinic trying to will herself to get out of the truck.

“Hey,” a voice called out.

Tobin stuck her head out the window and looked up to see the doctor standing at the top of the steps on the side of the clinic. She was outside her apartment on the second floor of the building, all bundled up in a fluffy sweater, with a black pair of leggings and tall boots.

Without thinking she flashed a huge smile, “Hey.”

“Come on up,” Christen waved her on, then disappeared into the apartment.

She sat for a second in the truck, taking a few deeps breaths. _You can do this._ She moved herself out of the truck and up the stairs, hesitating for only a second before entering through the cracked door and shutting it behind her.

Christen’s place wasn’t how Tobin imagined. It was a small apartment, one bedroom with a great room that had the living room and dining room, with a kitchen. Tobin imagined the place being busy, with knickknacks and pictures, but it was simple. In the small living was a light grey couch with two red throw pillows, a matching arm chair with its own red pillow and a dark brown coffee table in front of it. There was a table, seating enough for four, all dark wood, handmade, most likely by the carpenter in town. There wasn’t any random items, or pictures, maybe she hadn’t fully moved in, or maybe she didn’t plan to stay. Either way the place didn’t look like it belonged to her.

Around the corner in the kitchen, with its dark wood shaker cabinets and stone counter tops, Christen was standing with her back turned, her dark brown hair flowing down in the lose curls, bouncing as she moved.

“Have you guys had coffee yet?” She asked with her back still turned.

Tobin pushed her hands in her coat pockets, Christen hadn’t noticed it was just her yet, “No, I haven’t.”

Finally the woman turned around, “Well, I have made some, as promised.” She looked around eyebrows lowering in confusion, “Where’s Kelley, still in the car?”

“No,” Tobin coughed, a little nervous to admit they’d be alone, “She thought it would be better if she spent the next few days searching for the capacitor, that way we can get the building off the generator sooner rather than later.”

Christen flashed a smile, “That makes sense, I guess it’s just me and you then.”

“I guess so,” Tobin grinned, happy she didn’t make a big deal out of the situation, in fact Christen seemed almost pleased by the news.

With that Christen spun back around for a second before turning back with two travel mugs, “Coffee is ready, I think, do you take sugar or cream?”

“No, black is good.” Tobin answered quickly.

“Good, because I have neither, I’m still moving into this place, I haven’t gotten all the essentials like sugar and cream, and everything else that makes a kitchen whole.” she chuckled to herself, “But I do have fancy travel mugs, so we can drink on the go.” She held up two mugs, one blue, one pink, giving them a little shake and she made her way to Tobin.

“Very fancy,” Tobin laughed.

Christen moved over to the door and handed the blue mug over to the nervous woman who was clearly trying to move as little as possible. She watched her take a sip from the mug and smile.

“Taste like hazelnut,” Tobin said.

The biggest smile appeared on Christen’s face, “That’s because I put hazel nut in it. Glad it worked out for the better.”

Tobin took another sip and smiled, reassuring the woman that she did a great job with the coffee. She watched Christen move around her apartment grabbing things from the counter and pushing it into her bag without care, messy in a way that made Tobin smile, then slinging over her shoulder and picking up a smaller leather bag.

“What’s that?” Tobin asked curiously.

She looked down at the small brown bag, “My medical bag.”

“Why do you need that?”

“Do you have a toolbox?” she asked.

Unconsciously Tobin looked at the door as if she was looking at her truck, “I always have one in the truck.”

“Because you never know when a truck needs fixing,” Christen held up her bag, “Well I never know when a person needs fixing.”

“Fair enough,” Tobin smirked, “This mean you’re ready to go.”

“Ready when you are.”

They headed down to the truck, Christen putting her bags in the back seat next to Tobin’s duffle bag. They got in the truck, putting their coffees in the cup holders. Tobin started the truck and looked of the Christen to smile.

“Road trip,” Christen pumped her fist like a teenager, “Got any tunes in this rig?”

Tobin reached in her jacket pocket and pulled out an old phone, one that she now used strictly for music. “There’s a bunch of stuff on there, but it’s kind of old.”

Christen took the device and started scrolling through, her thumb lightly flicking up on the touch screen. “This is it.” She said with a smile.

“What’s it?” Tobin leaned over and tried to look at the screen.

“No peaking,” she laughed, holding the phone close to her. She grabbed the aux chord and plugged it into the device, turning the volume knob up before hitting play.

Guitar played in the speakers, then the drums started, and before the lyrics started Tobin knew exactly what song it was.

“Last night, she said “oh baby, I feel so down. Oh it turns me off when I feel left out,”” Christen sang, happy and bubbly in her amazing way.

Without thinking, without letting anxiety take over, without giving into her nerves Tobin chimed in, “So I, I turned ‘round. Oh, baby, don’t care no more.”

“I know for sure this for sure, I’m walkin’ out that door.” They sang together, and with that they were off.

 

\--

 

They were two hours in, most of the time taken up with music, singing and discussing songs. The more they sang, the more Christen looked over at her and smiled, the more comfortable Tobin got. They went through every genre, both of them knowing almost every word to every song. There was no time to think about being nervous, no long pause between songs that made Tobin think about what she was doing, no point in time when they weren’t smiling at each other. After the third Paramore song, Christen, put her feet up on the dash, and leaned her seat back, she was comfortable, and suddenly, in the middle of signing ‘Crushcrushcrush’ Tobin realized that she was comfortable too. For the first time she was relaxed, with another person that wasn’t Kelley. She was more than relaxed, she was happy, and the longer it went on the more she realized that she was ready for more than singing, she was ready to talk, get to know the girl sitting next to her. A slow song with a long intro came on Tobin took the opportunity to start talking.

“So where are you from?” she asked the easiest question she knew.

Christen looked over and smiled, “California originally, when there was one. My parents moved to Florida whenever the states started to secede from the union. They thought it would be better for me and my sisters.”

“How many sisters do you have?”

“Two, Channing and Tyler,” she answered happily, “They are both still in Florida, I’m the only one who decided to go off to the towns, I’m kind of the black sheep of the Press family.” She looked over and gave a playful wicked grin.

Tobin smirked, “The dangerous one?”

“Exactly,” she chuckled. “What about you? Where are you from?”

“New Jersey,” Tobin stated simply, “I was stationed in Arizona for a while, then I lived all over.”

Christen nodded in response, “And what made you settle up here, you know as oppose to the western towns.”

“I like the cold, I enjoy the snow,” she shrugged, “I know most people hate it, but I love it.”

“I’ve never seen it,” Christen whispered.

She turned and stared at her for a second before turning back to the road, “You’ve never seen snow?”

“No,” she laughed lightly, “I lived in warm climates my whole life. It doesn’t snow in Florida or South Cali.”

“That’s insane,” Tobin chuckled, “I’ve seen so much snow, maybe too much, so much that maybe I should hate it.”

“Why do you love it?” she interrupted, stopping her from rambling, maybe talking herself out of something.

Tobin thought for a second before answering, “It’s cleansing.”

Christen watched the young mechanics eyes looked straight forward as if she couldn’t look anywhere else, “I can’t wait to see it.”

They let some time pass, a few songs that they hummed along to, before opening up the conversation again, this time is was Christen.

“So, what made you want to be a mechanic?”

Tobin laughed, “I never really wanted to be one, at least it wasn’t this burning desire, or a lifelong dream. I wanted to work with my hands, I didn’t want to sit at a desk my whole life, and I like fixing things. Honestly I get myself into hobbies, and at the time I was signing up, I was into cars, not seriously, just watched a lot of shows and read up on them, thinking it was something interesting to learn about, and all of a sudden I was a mechanic. I enjoyed it, I was good at it, so I stuck with it.”

“So, you’re saying if you would have been super into, I don’t know, animals at the time, you might be a vet or a vet tech?”

“Basically,” Tobin laughed, “Though I’m not sure I could ever do that, sick animals make me sad.”

“Me too, people I can handle, they can at least tell you what hurts, animals just have those sad eyes, asking for help, makes me cry.” The young doctor sighed, shaking her head as if to get the thought out of her mind, “So what was the hobby before cars?”

It had been a while since Tobin thought about her teenage years, all the things she got herself into, her wandering mind never able to stick to one thing for more than a few months. She picked up a new hobby almost monthly, some were serious, some were not, they all served to fulfill this hunger for knowledge and experience she had. Things like, long boarding, stuck with her, the guitar stuck with her, but things like coin collecting, and ping pong fell away and were replaced with something new.

“Before cars, it was tattoos,” she smirked, thinking about all the time she spent on the old hobby, “I wanted to be a tattoo artist, but that was before I realized that I couldn’t draw.”

Christen started to crack up, “Kind of crucial to being an artist.”

“Wait, you’re telling me that artist ability is a requirement for being an artist? Insane.” She laughed along with her, “I thought if I got good enough at actually doing the tattoo, no one would notice I couldn’t draw. I was sixteen, okay.”

“I can’t imagine, sixteen year old Tobin hatching a plan to fake her way through being a tattoo artist.” She chuckled.

“Oh, sixteen year old Tobin did a lot of crazy things.”

“Yeah?” she replied intrigued, “Like what?”

“Let’s see,” she turned her head up, trying to remember her past, “I ran from the cops once.”

“No way,” Christen gasped, “But you’re so sweet.”

“I wasn’t back then, I was constantly trying to be a rebel, too cool for even myself,” she replied, trying to explain, remembering her younger self. “Kelley and I use to skip school all the time. We always told people we were doing these awesome things, but really it wasn’t for anything cool, we didn’t do drugs or smoke cigarettes in the park, like the real cool kids. We would just walk off campus and walk around town, mostly end up at this giant hill, longboarding for hours.”

“You longboarded? How California of you.” Christen said playfully, “I would have thought you were so cool back then, skipping school, longboarding.”

“Yeah?” Tobin grinned, blushing at the thought, “Kelley and I got into it at the same time, we liked to go fast, wind in our face and all that. Well, one day I was going down this hill and a cop saw me, flashed his lights, I had no idea what to do, I was skipping school, longboarding illegally, my mom would have freaked, so I just crotched down and let momentum take me down the hill faster than I had ever gone. Then I turned into the park at the end of the hill, ran as fast as I could, hopped in some bushes and stayed there until Kelley texted me the coast was clear.”

Christen nodded her head, clearly impressed by the story, “Pretty bad ass Tobin Heath.”

“I’m pretty bad ass Dr. Press.” She looked over to her and smiled. “So what about you?”

“I never ran from the cops,” she joked.

“No,” Tobin chuckled, “What made you want to be a doctor?”

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly, “My dad is a doctor, a surgeon, my mom is a pediatrician, my oldest sister is a doctor, a neurologist. It was kind of always expected out of me. My younger sister just finished her internship, following my dad as a surgeon. I think if I would have become anything other than a doctor my family would have had a collective heart attack.”

Tobin nodded, knowing her drive to join the Marines had a lot to do with her father and his time in uniform, the way he spoke about being a Marine, the passion behind every word he said in conjunction with the military.

“Do you love it?” she asked simply.

“You know what?” she looked over at the brown eyed woman next to her, “You’re the first person to ever ask me that.”

Tobin raised an eyebrow, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Christen looked straight ahead at the road, “I’ll get back to you.”

 

\--

 

At the halfway point in their journey, they stopped at a small town, so small it didn’t have a number, it was just a few people selling food and goods to travelers passing along the way. Tobin hopped out the car and waited for Christen to come around to the front with her. They both looked out at the people cooking food on grills, watching the smoke rise from the meat, their stomachs crying out to be filled.

“So how do we do this?” Christen asked, “I’ve yet to figure out how this trade thing works, everyone just seems to give me things when I ask for them.”

“That’s because you work off a type of credit, nothing anyone really keeps track of, just something we all know you will pay back when the time comes that we need your expertise. I can always fix your car on Tuesday, but you can’t guarantee that I’ll be sick that day so we can’t trade one for one. You and Tiff and a few other people get things off the idea that your skills will be needed in the future.”

“I haven’t given you anything, and you’re building me an entire car.” The young doctor stated.

“Well, then you owe me, like if I break my arm, you fix it and we can call it even.”

“What if you never break your arm?” she giggled, “Should I put a cast on you even if you don’t need it?”

“Yeah, just wrap it up for a few weeks.” She laughed.

Christen chuckled, slapping Tobin lightly on the arm, “So how do we get food? Should you break someone’s arm so I can fix it, and that’ll get us food.”

“So violent,” Tobin shook her head, “How about I just trade something I have.”

“For my food? Then I’ll owe you more,” she shook her head, “Quick, catch a cold really quick and I’ll give you medicine, then we can be even.”

“You’re a scary doctor,” Tobin replied trying to hold back her laughter, “Come on crazy lady, let’s go get some food.”

“Okay, but I’ll be watching you,” Christen said in a playful tone, “The second you sneeze I’m shooting you up with antibiotics.”

“Oh, please don’t, I’m terrified of needle,” Tobin shivered at the thought.

“A tattoo artist that can’t draw and is afraid of needles…”

“I never said I had it all figured out.” She interrupted.

They walked into the town, looking over the food deciding what to eat. The place was small, most people were cooking outside of small huts that they lived in. Their wood burning grills filling the air with sweet smells. Some were outside with clothes hanging, items they had fixed, or made themselves, looking to sell to travelers.

It was a town like this that saved Tobin and Kelley on their journey to town. They were half starved, had drank dirty water and were throwing up anything they tried to eat. The two of them strolled out of the woods, dirty and delirious, their brains trained to follow the smell of food. They fell into the mini town, and begged for help. A nurse took them in, put them in a tent with two beds, and hung up IV’s with antibiotics. They woke up a day later, starving and the town fed them. Two days later they were back to strength. They stayed in town for three weeks, fixing cars and generators as pay back for their help. That was the duos first glimpse into town living, into no longer being a citizen, and it was the reason they decided to never go back to the states.

 

Christen pointed out a grille that had a slab of meat on it, and off to the side a table with bread and a few sauces in jars. That’s what she wanted, and Tobin had to go get it. 

Casually, as she usually was, Tobin strolled over to the man cooking, “Hey wha’da’ya say?”

The man looked up at her, he had a clean shaven face, a small scar on his chin, long dirty blond hair tied back in a loose bun. He poked at the meat on his grill and smiled, “Deer, with seasoning,” she pointed his utensil over to the table with bread, “Rye. Mustard, ketchup, BBq.”

Tobin nodded, trying to act uninterested the way you do when you are trying to make a trade with a stranger. Truth was, the fact that Christen wanted this, Tobin was ready to trade anything that wasn’t bolted down to her truck.

“What’s it worth to ya?” She asked, looking around at the other people making food, pretending she was looking for a better meal. 

The guy shrugged, looked back at the truck, “That’s yours?”

“Yeah,” Tobin answered in a low tone, “What of it?”

The guy looked around, playing the same game as the mechanic, “You got any copper?”

“Some,” she said quickly, “How much you lookin to get?”

“How much you want for you,” he nodded over to Christen standing away from the two negotiators, “And your girl?”

Tobin skipped over him calling the doctor her girl, it sounded nice, and she didn’t have time to discuss it, “Two, I guess.”

“I’d say,” he poked at the meat, the juice dropping into the flames causing a sweet smelling smoke to float into the air, “Pound for pound.”

“Nah,” Tobin let out a small laugh, “Half for a pound.”

He looked back at the truck, around the town as if there were other customers, “Three quarters for a pound.”

“Pound of meat, and two rolls,” Tobin said firmly.

He nodded his head, looking her in the eye for the first time, “Deal.”

“Trust,” Tobin nodded, “Back in a few.” She looked over at Christen, signaling for her to follow her to the truck. 

Christen jogged to catch up with Tobin, “So what happened, are we eating.”

“Of course,” Tobin chuckled, breaking her tough negotiators facade, “I need you to hold this.”

She opened the diamond plate took box in the bed of her truck and took out a thick red wire, unspooling two feet into Christen’s hand, then cutting it with a giant pair of scissors. 

“What is this?” Christen asked, holding the wire up in her hand.

“That is 0gauge wire,” Tobin said as she jumped from the bed of her truck, “I am trading three quarters of a pound which is round about two feet, to this guy for a pound of meat, two rolls of bread, and I am assuming whatever condiment you want.”

“That’s it,” Christen asked holding up the wire, “This will get us all that food?”

“It’s more about the copper than the wire really.” Tobin said simply, “Copper is highly conductive, and super malleable. People use it to build electronics, usually they smelt it down to make smaller wire. This guy will most likely make smaller wire and trade it. Metal is valuable doc, you’ll learn.”

Christen followed Tobin back down to the house, watching her move with confidence. They handed the guy the wire, he pretended to weigh it with his hands, as if her could judge a quarter of a pound perfectly, then proceeded cut op two rolls, and cut two slabs of meat off and put them in the rolls. Without talking Tobin directed Christen over to the table, where they put sauce on their food, then walked back to the truck. 

Tobin pulled down the tailgate to the truck for them to sit on, and grabbed the water from the car for them to share. They sat eating happily in silence for a few minutes before Christen started to ask questions. 

“So, this trading thing, I want to know more.”

“About what,” Tobin asked with a mouth full. 

“Like why did you say that to him when you first walked up, ‘Hey what do you say?’ Why that phrase?” She asked

Tobin shrugged, “It’s just what you say to strangers, basically asking them if they are ready to trade. He could have told me that he wasn’t ready, but he told me what he had, which meant he was ready to trade.”

“And just like that, you got us food?” She chuckled, “I don’t think I could do that.”

“It’s not hard,” she assured her, “It just takes some getting use to. You have to go in confident, don’t show your hand, don’t let them know you have more than what they’re asking for. Like with that guy, he asked for copper. I didn’t tell him I had pounds of it in the truck, I didn’t tell him I have far better metals in here, I just said I had some copper, I was will to part with for the food.”

“But his hand was shown, I mean, all his merchandise was out there for you to see,” she stated. 

“True, but that’s his disadvantage.” She said proudly, “He only had to bargain with how much he wanted to give me, and that was determined by how much I was willing to give. Whenever you get into trading, always think of what else you could get with what you have, think of who else you could trade to, remember that, but don’t tell them, don’t make yourself out to be more valuable than you are, but never sell yourself short.”

“This is all too confusing. I think I’ll stick with people just giving me things.” She laughed taking a huge bite of her food. 

“It’ll work in town, but no one knows what you do out here, and honestly you don’t want them to know, doctors are rare, good doctors at least, not quacks claiming to be doctors.”

“Will they kidnap me?” she pretended to be scared. 

“No,” Tobin cracked up, “They aren’t savages doc, they would just keep you busy. Before you know it you’ll be fixing every scrap, bruise and bloody nose. They would deplete your stash of medical supplies and you’ll never see them again, so you’ll never get back in trade.”

“But I know where they are,” she looked back at the town.

Tobin shook her head, she knew the young doctor was new to all of this, but she never realized how much she didn’t know about the north, about how things were, about how to survive, who to trust, who to stay away from, how to live. 

“Those guys won’t be here in two weeks, maybe less, maybe more,” she explained, “They are roamers, they move from place to place selling whatever they can sell, making a living the best they can. They don’t stay in these little towns. By the time we get back in a few days, that guy may or may not be here.”

Christen looked back at group of people, how different they all were, how their stuff was still packed up, nothing but what they needed to trade out on tables, “Why don’t they settle, like you?”

 

“Towns fill up fast,” Tobin shrugged, “It’s hard to find a permeant place without a much needed skill. Kelley and I got lucky, we found a place that was desperate for a mechanic and an electrician. We helped the town get power, and now we keep it going. But it wasn’t the first town we tried to get into, we tried 29, but they had everything they needed. We ended up in 34, they needed us, and we needed them.”

“But there are several people who do the same job in 34. How come they can stay?”

“You’re talking about the farmers, and the scavengers,” Tobin answered, “They started the town, everything was built around them, around the land they had claimed. If we started kicking people off their land just because two people farm potatoes that would make us no better than what we came up here to escape.” 

Christen nodded, not fully understanding the concept, but understanding what it all meant to the people she was growing to love. Her world was so much different, the one she grew up in, the one she claimed to love. In her home town, money was king, if you made a better product than the person beside you, then you sold more and put them out of business. If you made more money, you got a bigger house, faster car, better life, no matter how your neighbor lived. This new world, were people were sought after for their skills, were people trusted you would pay them back, where a town was built around giving and not competing, it was all confusing, but she liked the concept, she liked the town, and she like the woman sitting next to her. 

They finished their meal, and got back on the road. Tobin went on to explain a little more about roamers, the time she spent with them, how she and Kelley found their way to 34, and Christen listened happily, loving the sound of Tobin’s voice. Soon the sky was dark, and the only light they had were the headlights of the truck. Tobin slowed her drive, they only had an hour left, but she wanted to make sure they made it in one piece, the animals took over the roads a long time ago and were happy to run out in front of passing cars. 

Christen put her feet up on the dash, laying her seat back further and letting her eyes close. Tobin had stopped talking, and the music was playing lightly. She could feel herself start to dose off, the soothing sound of the guitar, the darkness in the car, the safety she felt with Tobin at the wheel. 

A song came on the radio, an acoustic guitar strumming hard, and then a woman voice coming through crystal clear. 

_I think the universe is on my side_  
_Heaven and earth have finally aligned_  
_Days are good and that’s the way it should be_

“I love this song,” Christen hummed, sleepy in the passengers seat. 

Tobin looked over to her, eyes closed, arms wrapped around herself, the hood of her sweater up, taming her long dark hair, beautiful in her dreamlike state. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone. Again sorry for the long wait. 
> 
> The song that Tobin was singing in the beginning and listening to at the end was, Bright by Echosmith.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day at the junk yard. Christen meets Tobin's friend JB, and learns a little about Tobin's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. This chapter is kind of long because I didn't think it made sense breaking it up.
> 
> *****TRIGGER WARNING*****  
> There is a short paragraph with some graphic stuff. I **bolded** so you know when it's coming. But this is a fic about war, we all knew it was going to come eventually.
> 
> Also, a little explaining for non military people, they use some terms in this:   
> unaccompanied are all military members who are not married or do not have dependents, so single and no kids basically.   
> accompanied are those with dependents, basically if you are married or married with kids or single parents, this keeps you out of the dorms, and can lengthen your tour length when you move. 
> 
> It's all confusing and has a lot more going on, this is just he basics to understand the context of the story.
> 
> Thanks for reading, ignore the typos, I wrote this at night.
> 
>  
> 
> ********DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS********  
> *****************************************************************  
> *****************************************************************  
> We learn about Sofia and why she isn't around. Not details, just some stuff. It might trigger some people, I didn't bold it because it's not horrible, I just don't want anyone to freak out!

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Snow was falling lightly, only half of it sticking the the road ahead. The cloud cover was just enough to bath the path in a grey light. Tobin gripped the steering wheel tight, looking ahead at the curves the mountains made in the land scape, the road cutting through, blazing a trail forward into what she hoped was a new life. She looked over in the passengers seat, her girlfriend curled up in a blanket, her honey brown hair shadowing her face, eyes closed, fluttery slightly as she dreamt. Tobin looked in the back seat, her best friend and her soon to be wife asleep in the back seat, leaning over on each other, everyone important in her life tired from the long road trip._

_She had been back from overseas for only a week, and was now road tripping up the western half of the country, driving Sofia to her new base in Alaska. The deployment was supposed to be six months, an easy half a year and then she would be shipped back to Arizona for a while before going again. It was month three when the president declared war on Russia and the Allies. A six month deployment turned into eight months of prep, the war had started and there was no stopping it._

_Kelley was sent home a month before Tobin, she was to collect all her things and be ready to move to Germany. Tobin was supposed to be afford the same opportunity, but her job was one of the ones needed in place sooner rather than later so her things were packed and put in storage, and she was left with a duffle bag of clothes, an orders to Germany, at least she would be with Kelley._

_Six days ago Sofia broke the worst news Tobin could have ever heard, her team was not going overseas, she would be stationed at an Elmendorf Air Force Base in Alaska. A small team on Marines would make up a detachment in the most northern part of the Untied States. Emily was being sent to North Carolina, and for the first time since they all met, they would be split up._

_“Hey, wake up.” Tobin whispered, she reached over and gave Sofia a little shake, “Wake up babe.”_

_The sleepy woman stirred for a second, before trying to turn away._

_“Wake up,” Tobin said a little louder, laughing at her girlfriend desperate to stay asleep, “Come on, open your eyes, just for a bit.”_

_“What?” Sofia called out in a groggy voice, “Why are you doing this to me?”_

_“Because I don’t want you to miss this,” Tobin turned her over so she was facing out the windshield, “Look at that.”_

_Sofia sat up in her seat, her eyes getting wide at the sight of the snow falling on the mountains, the clouds covering the tops, the trees half bare of leaves and covered in a blanket of white, the scene mysterious and wonderful._

_“It’s beautiful,” she said looking over to Tobin, “I can’t believe places like this even exist.”_

_“I know what you mean,” Tobin answered in an awestruck tone, “Going from the dead land scape of Arizona to all this snow, all these trees, and the mountains…”_

_“It’s breath taking,” Sofia finished her girlfriend thoughts. She settled in her seat, “You’ll see all this in Germany.”_

_The tone was recognizable, disappointment, something Tobin was trying desperately not to let seep out of herself, “You’ll have more in Alaska.” She said not addressing what the real problem was, the fact that they would be separated for years._

_“This is so stupid,” she huffed, crossing her arms, “How are you and Kelley getting sent to Germany, and I’m being sent to fucking Alaska. The Marines don’t even have a base out here, they made a detachment and sent me out here, it’s like they knew I wanted to be in Germany with you.”_

_Tobin nodded, knowing how angry she felt, “I know it sucks, but you don’t want to be in Germany, now that we are at war, it’s going to be nuts there. I mean, most unaccompanied Marines will be there, all in the barracks. I don’t want to be there.”_

_“I’m unaccompanied,” she shouted, then looked back to make sure they two girls were still sleeping in the back. “I don’t get it.”_

_“You’re a paralegal, Sof,” Tobin shrugged, “You don’t need to be where to fight is.”_

_“And you do?” She retorted, “Tobin, you’re a mechanic, you don’t need to be closer to the fight than I do.”_

_She was right, and Tobin knew it, but it didn’t matter, she didn’t want Sofia anywhere near the fight. Alaska may have been closer to Russia in proximity, but there was no way the enemy would come on American soil, not yet, not this early. Sofia was safe in the US, safe from the dangers of war and that’s exactly where she needed to be._

_“Look at it this way, you’re one class away from your degree, you’ll be accepted to law school and become a lawyer and be a big shot soon.” She gave her best smile hoping to calm the woman she loved._

_Sofia leaned back, “I know, and I care about all that, but I’d rather be with you. I can go to law school online, and be with you the whole time.”_

_“I wish it could happen too babe, believe me.” She sighed._

_“What if it can,” she responded, her eyes getting huge, “What if I can be stationed in Germany with you, or you can come to Alaska instead. I mean, detachments have vehicles, you’re a mechanic, I’m sure they can create a spot for you there.”_

_Tobin looked over at her now overly excited girlfriend, “What are you talking about. Most of the unaccompanied Marines are going to Germany for prep.”_

_“What if you weren’t unaccompanied anymore? What if we were both accompanied?” She gave a huge smile and a little squeal, then started to rummage through the glove box._

_“What are you doing?” She watched her pull out papers and other junk from the glove box._

_“This,” Sofia popped up with two thin objects in her hand, “This is a jam nut from the light switch you installed on Monday, and this is the weird small key ring that I took off my keys a year ago.”_

_Tobin looked over at them and smirked, “And what do you want me to do with those?”_

_“Marry me,” she said simply._

_She put her foot on the brake, slowing the car so she could focus, “What are you talking about?”_ _“Tobin, if we get married, they will have to send one of us to the other, it might take a few months, but one of us will be reassigned to a different base, or both of us, who knows, we could end up in North Carolina with Emily, if we’re lucky.”_

_“So you want to marry me so we can be together?”_

_“No, I want to marry you because I love you, and I have missed you like crazy for eight months and I don’t want to miss you anymore.” She let her hands fall to the center console, her excitement dying a little, “Tobin, when you left, you took my happiness with you, you took my smile, you took my light, you took it all because I don’t have any of that without you. When they declared war, I felt like I was going to die, thinking of you over there, possibly being hurt, knowing if you were hurt if something happened to you, I couldn’t do anything about it. If the worse happened, if you… They wouldn’t send you back to me, they wouldn’t let me go see you. I’m not your family on paper, but I’m your family in my heart, and it killed me knowing I wouldn’t even get to know if you got hurt, or worse.”_

_A tear escaped, running down her cheek, all her emotions filling her all at once, everything she had felt while Tobin was gone, the pain she was in waiting for the love of her life to come back. She sat flat in her seat, looking over at Tobin who hadn’t responded, “I know this is crazy, I know two people shouldn’t get married just so they can be in the same place, but it’s not just about that. I love you like I have never loved anyone in this world. You are the other half of me, and I can be without you for a few months. I can last with phone calls, and facetimes, and just knowing you’re okay, but if you get sent out there, to the actual war, I won’t get that, I won’t get updates on you, I won’t know if you’re okay until someone remembers to tell me. If… If you die, they’ll send you to Jersey, they won’t let me see you, they’ll send all your stuff to your family, I’ll have to fight for a piece of you, and I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to struggle for you, because I don’t know how in the world I’ll even live with you gone.” She paused for a second, gathering her thoughts, “I want to marry you Tobin Heath, and I know you want to marry me.”_

_“I do,” Tobin said quickly, trying not to get choked up, “Don’t you think I thought about all that, about what would happen to you if I was gone, who would take care of you, who would make sure you’re okay. I thought about it. I thought about marrying you, I thought about it all.”_

_“Then let’s do this,” she said with a big smile._

_“You ruin everything, you know,” Tobin shook her head._

_She reached behind her, unzipping her backpack and reaching in, pulling out a black velvet box. She tried her best to look at the road, and look at Sofia as she opened it._

_“Oh my god!” Sofia shouted, “Oh my freaking god.”_

_“I thought about this the second I left,” Tobin grinned, “I thought about not wanting to be away from you, I thought about what would happen to me, what would happen to you, and I came to the same conclusion like four months ago. I wanted this to be more romantic, I wanted to do it on the mountains, but I guess driving through them will have to do because you have no freaking patients.” She slowed the car down and pulled off onto the shoulder putting on her hazards and parking the car. She turned to face the woman she loved, “We have like two minuets before a car catches up, so you need to answer fast. Sofia Christine Huerta will you marry me.”_

_“Yes!” She shouted, “Yes, of course, yes yes yes!”_

_They threw their arms around each other coming together as close as the car would allow them to get. Tobin holding tight to the woman she loved, closing her eyes tight, trying to burn the memory of this moment in her mind, forcing herself to remember every detail of how she felt, how Sofia felt in her arms._

_“HELL YEAH!” Kelley cheered from the back seat._

_They turned to see their two best friends in the back seat._

_“Hey, you guys are awake,” Tobin laughed._

_Emily lunged forward hugging Sofia, “This is so awesome, I can’t believe it.”_

_“Dude,” Kelley stuck out her hand, grabbing Tobin and pulling her in for a hug around the seat, “You did it. Shit, I’m so proud of you.”_

_“Thanks bud,” Tobin laughed._

_A car passed them by on the road, striving to get out of their way, forcing Tobin to put the car back in drive and get on the road. They all settled into their seats, wide awake, full of energy, high on the potential, on the future, on their lives together._

_“I can’t believe you,” Sofia said sweetly, wrapping her arm around Tobin’s and looking down at her silver ring with a simple princess cut diamond in the center. “But you still need something.”_

_Tobin shrugged, “I’ll get a ring when we get married.”_

_“Nope, you’re not pulling the guy thing on me Tobin Heath,” she leaned down searching the floor, “Got it.” She said holding up the jam nut._

_“Really?” Tobin laughed out loud, “You want me to wear that?”_

_“Just until I get you something real,” she told her in a serious tone, “Now hold out your hand, I want to mark you as mine.”_

_“Fine,” Tobin chuckled, knowing there was no use resisting, “Jam nut me babe.”_

_Sofia placed the small metal nut over Tobin’s finger, it fitting a little loose, but nicely. Tobin held up her hand in the back to show their friends. Sofia leaned back over resting her head on her fiancé’s shoulder, still looking down at her ring, happy in the moment. They still had another day before they would be in Alaska, but when they got there, the four of them would be heading straight to the court house to make it official._

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun had set fast, forcing Tobin to drive with her brights on as she followed the curves of the road, gently maneuvering the truck, trying her best not to wake the sleeping girl in the seat next to her. They had talked for almost ten hours, Christen not able to keep her eyes open for the last two of trip. It gave Tobin a chance to think, let her focus on the moments they shared on the road, the things she learned about the doctor, the things she shared about herself. They had gotten closer, maybe during the rest of the trip they could become even closer.

As she came off the main road, Tobin let her memory take her the rest of they way. Her friends junk yard was a place she use to visit often, her and Kelley taking the trip every few months. The man she was going to see had been her friend for years, served by her side during the war, pulled her out of trouble, carried her to safety, and helped her through some of the toughest times in her life. He was larger than life, standing over six and half feet, like a horse, or a mountain, he was steady and loyal and everything Tobin could ask for in a friend. After the war, he went his separate way, trying to find his family. A year later he radioed to Tobin that he was going to settle in Town 38, his family was gone, and he had no reason to be anywhere else. Kelley made sure they visited him while he grieved, stayed with him for weeks sometimes, knowing exactly what he was going through. They helped him through it, the worst times, the drunk times, the dark times, and now he was solid enough to be alone for more than a month, and the trips lessened. It was the first time in a year that Tobin would see him, and she was more excited than she ever had been, this time she had someone with her, someone she hoped her friend would like. 

She parked her truck next to the fence a few yards away from the log cabin, turning off the engine, reaching over to wake the sleeping woman. 

“Hey, wake up Doc.” She said in a gentle voice, giving the doctor a little shake. 

Christen, in her sleep, grabbed Tobin’s hand and held on to it, “Not yet.”

She paused, this was the first time she had ever felt the hand in hers, warm and soft and fitting perfectly. She wanted to sit like that for a while, just feel her skin next to hers, feel her grip onto her hand, never let go, but they needed to get out the car before the warm air turned cold, so with a gentle squeeze she went back to trying to wake Christen up. 

“We’re here,” she whispered, “It’s time to wake up.”

“We’re here, already?” She yawned, turning in her seat enough to look up at Tobin. She noticed her hand holding onto Tobins’, “Sorry,” she chuckled nervously, letting go. 

Tobin pulled her hand back reluctantly, “It’s okay,” she smiled, looking into her eyes that were now grey in the dim lights of the truck, “Yeah, we are here, JB’s house is right there.” She pointed out to the cabin. 

Christen sat up and looked out her window. The cabin was light up in the darkness, the lights in the window allowing them to see the porch with rocking chairs out front. “It’s nice.”

“Yeah, he built a really great house, he cut down all the trees and put it all together himself.” Tobin said cheerfully remembering the times she spent up here helping him put together the modest cabin, “Come on, it’s warm inside.”

Together they got out the truck, Tobin grabbing all the bags from the back even though Christen insisted she could carry her own. They walked up the porch steps, and knocked on the red wooden door. A man appeared in the doorway with a huge smile. 

“Crunch,” He cheered in his deep husky voice, “You finally made it.”

“Hey JB,” Tobin answered happily moving into the house, “Yeah, I didn’t make the best time, but I was driving the tow truck.”

“Excuses,” he laughed, “I think you’re just getting old, can’t see in the dark as well.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she replied, then looked over at Christen who had come into the house, “JB, this is my friend Christen, she’s tagging along. Christen this is one of my best friends John Vega.”

“Nice to meet you,” Christen replied with a smile. 

“You too,” John said happily. He looked around outside, “Where’s Sparky?”

“Not here,” Tobin answered, “She had to stay back and take care of some time sensitive problems. The heat went out in the clinic in town, and she has to find some parts to fix it.”

He closed the door behind them, “The fancy doctor can’t work in the cold?” He joked. 

Tobin looked over at Christen and smiled, “I don’t know, you can ask her.”

The tall man looked over to her and laughed, “You’re the doctor?”

“Yup,” she said proudly. 

“Well, looks like I have egg on my face,” he chuckled.

Christen waved her hand, “Don’t worry about it, you’re right, I can’t work in the cold.”

“Me either,” he laughed, his huge white smile taking over his face. He turned to Tobin and without prompting scooped her up in a hug pulling her off the grounf, “It’s good to see ya Crunch, I’ve missed you.”

“Miss you too John-Boy.” She huffed out as she was squeezed tighter, her feet dangling off the ground. 

Christen smiled at the scene, the huge man, jet back hair and full beard, with tan skin, holding tight to the much smaller women, shaking her up and down. He had a deep voice that rumbled when he laughed, something Christen could tell he did a lot, and it made Tobin smile. 

After he set Tobin down, he held out his arms in a welcoming nature, “Well, I have beers, and I have beds. Which one are you looking for.”

“I’ll take the bed, tonight,” Christen replied with a yawn, “Beer tomorrow maybe.”

“Sure thing,” John said moving towards a door in the great room of the cabin, “The guest room is all made up. You can sleep in there.”

They all went into the room. It was a nice size with a queen sized bed and two night stands, each with it’s own lamp. A dresser in the corner with a mirror, and a wardrobe that looked hand made. The whole place smelled like vanilla, and Christen looked and notice a candle burning on the dresser. 

“You like the candle?” John asked with a proud smile, “I make them myself, just a hobby, nothing to sell or anything. I like things to smell nice.”

“It’s really nice,” Christen complemented. 

“Thanks Doc,” he replied, “You can keep your things in here, that door leads to a half bath. You’ll have to use the main bathroom for a shower, but it has everything else. If you need anything just let me know.”

Christen watched Tobin set her bags down next to the bed, “Thanks John, I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, any friend of Crunch is a friend of mine,” he said slapping Tobin on the back. 

Tobin gave a small cough from the giant hand hitting her in the back, “We will let you get some sleep,” she said looking over to John, letting him know it was time for them to leave, “Call if you need anything.”

“Okay, goodnight,” Christen replied, hoping the giant man would leave, and she could speak to Tobin alone, but after her words both of them left and she was alone in the room. 

She settled, herself, changing into her sleep clothes, and climbing into the giant bed. She listened outside the room hearing the two friends try to talk quietly as, what she assumed, was Tobin taking the man up on his offer of a beer.

 

—

 

Tobin sat in the chair at the giant dinning table. It was away from the door to the spare bed room, a place where they could talk for a bit without keeping Christen awake, and without her over hearing what they had to say. John was no doubt going to question her about the doctor, and Tobin didn’t want Christen hearing her answers, not yet. 

“So,” the man said in his deep voice, “What’s up dude?”

“Not much,” Tobin responded, she wasn’t going to just give up information, he was going to have to work for it. 

He gripped his beer bottle, his hand almost consuming it, “What’s up with the doctor?”

“Christen?” Tobin took a sip of her beer and shrugged, “Nothing, I don’t think.”

“Is she your friend, or is she your _friend_?” 

“She’s my friend,” she said simply. 

He raised an eyebrow, “So she’s single?”

“Hey,” Tobin called out, knowing her friend was only saying it to get a rise out of her, “I mean, I don’t know, I think so.”

“You hope so,” he laughed out loud.

“Maybe,” Tobin smiled, “Yeah.”

“I don’t get it, why are fancy women always into you?” He shook his head, taking another sip of his beer. 

Tobin shrugged again, smiling over to her friend, “I don’t know, lucky I guess. I mean, I don’t even know if she’s into me.”

“Oh she’s into you,” he said with a smile, “I only saw you two together for like two minuets and I can tell, there’s something there.”

“Yeah?” She chuckled, “Well, I don’t know. We’re just talking.”

“Tell me about her.”

“That’s just it, I’m still learning,” she leaned back in her seat, “I’m not to the good stuff just yet.”

He looked her up and down, studying her face, “Look at you,” he smirked, leaning back in his chair to match Tobin’s posture, “You’re infatuated.”

“Yeah,” Tobin smirked, “Maybe.”

 

—

 

Christen was jarred out of sleep by the sound of bagging outside her window, metal on metal, only for a few seconds, then it stopped. She sat up in bed, remembering where she was as she looked around the room. The sound came again, louder this time, and longer before it stopped again. She took a second to get her thoughts together, remember that she had taken a trip with Tobin, went to her friends house, slept in the guest room. The banging came again, just a few hits this time before it stopped again. She got out of bed and looked out the window. Out in the distance she saw a pair of legs sticking out from under a giant vehicle in the yard, dirty black boots and a dark blue pants, a pair of legs that had to belong to Tobin. 

She got out of bed, went to the bathroom to freshen up and put on some warm clothes, before walking out the room and seeing the front door slightly cracked. She wrapped her sweater around her, and headed out the front door to see the man she met last night sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, looking out at Tobin working. 

“Good morning,” Christen said in an airy voice. 

The man turned around in his chair, “Morning Doc, how’d you sleep?”

“Great,” she said with a smile, “That bed is like a cloud.”

“I know, it’s the best, glad you liked it,” he looked out at Tobin who was banging a hammer on the jeep again, “She wake you?”

“Kind of,” she said in a low voice, “How long has she been awake?”

“Few hours,” he said simply, “She’s kind of an early riser. Hey, you want some coffee?”

Christen closed her eyes and smiled, “That would be great.”

“I’ll get you some,” he pulled the other rocking chair around to face the outside, “Take a seat.”

She sat down in the chair and looked out at the legs under the vehicle. It was early, the sun was barley in the sky, and Tobin looked like she had made progress on the jeep. Christen wondered if she had slept last night, if she even took the time to rest before working. She was starting to notice the mechanic liked to be doing something, even when she was talking, or involved in something else, her body wanted to move, she wanted her hands busy. When she was driving, she always seemed to be tapping her fingers, or shaking her leg. It was a sign of a busy mind, of someone who couldn’t or didn’t want to focus on one thing, so they keep moving in order to focus on everything. Tobin was complicated and mysterious and fascinating.

“Here you go Doc,” the man came back, shocking Christen from her thoughts, “Is black okay?”

“It’s perfect, thank you.” she took a sip, letting the strong brew take hold, warming up her already cold body, “She likes to work.” She commented, breaking the silence between them.

“Yeah, Crunch likes projects,” he leaned back in his chair taking a sip of the coffee he got himself.

Christen smiled at the name, “Why do you call her that?”

“It’s like the cereal.” He said simply, then watched the woman’s eyebrows knit together, “Capitan Crunch, the cereal.”

“I know what the cereal is,” she chuckled, “I don’t know why you call her that.”

“She’s the capitan,” he pointed out to Tobin who had come from under the vehicle and waved over at them. “It’s a silly name, she kind of hates it, but you know Marines, once they know you hate a name they keep calling you it. I guess it just stuck.”

Christen nodded, “But I thought Tobin and Kelley were enlisted. Why is she the capitian.”

“She was commissioned,” he said like it was common knowledge, “Yeah, Crunch is like a smarty pants, got her degree’s and then they needed a strong leader for our group so they made her an officer. I only met her once before her commission, I’ve only really known her as LT and Capitan Crunch.”

Christen watched as Tobin took some tools from her truck, “Did you say degrees, like more than one?”

He nodded gesturing towards the woman, “Yeah, Mechanical Engineering and Math.”

“Wow, she is a smarty pants,” Christen laughed to herself. 

“Apparently the goal was to eventually build those things instead of just fixing them, but the war took hold, ruined all that like it ruined everything else.” He shook his head as if he was trying to rid his mind of the negative thoughts, “She finished up her degrees before it all went to shit.”

She looked over at the woman as she climbed on top of the jeep to work, “I didn’t know that about her.”

“She’s pretty hush hush about being smart,” he whispered playfully.

Christen turned to him, “Tell me more about her. I want to learn.”

“What about?” 

“Everything, what was she like back then?” She asked curiously. 

“Oh man, Crunch back in the day.” He sat back in thought, “She was pretty awesome, still is, just more subdued now. Back in the day she was always doing something, always some crazy project that she wanted to do, never an idle moment with her, always moving, always talking.”

“Talking?” Christen responded, shocked, “Talking?”

“Yeah, non stop,” he laughed loudly, “She always had an idea, or something that she was telling me and the squad about, always something insane, getting us in trouble most of the time. I don’t think there was a single day she didn’t get us yelled at by our commander. Noise complaints, lights on, anything you could get in trouble for. Every time Crunch was around, a simple hangout would turn into a party, then we’d all get shut down, and she’d be answering for it.”

Christen looked out at the woman she was getting to know, “I can’t see Tobin as a partier.”

“She was, the craziest one out there. Everyone wanted to be around her, be her friend. People use to fight over who would sit next to her in the chow hall, rush to get in line behind her, just to talk to her. People gravitated to her, she just had that charm. The squad use to have to keep people away from her, if she had too many people around it would get too rowdy and next thing you know cops are shutting down the smoke pit because Crunch started a game of cards, or started telling stories. She was the biggest people person, always telling crazy stories,” He lowered his head, remembering how his friend use to be, “The war takes something from all of us, it took her voice.” He pulled up his left pant leg, “Took my leg.”

She leaned forward looking down at the metal prosthetic, “Can I ask how that happened?”

“Saving her ass,” he said happily like the topic didn’t bother him any longer, “And I’ll never let her live it down.” She paused for a second, looking out at Tobin as she worked. “Yeah, Tobin use to talk all the time, and sing.”

“She can sing?” She asked more excited than she had ever been. 

“Hell yeah, give that girl a guitar and she won’t shut up,” he laughed loudly, “It might have had something to do with all the girls surrounding her all the time. The minute she picked up the guitar, twenty girls would all be sitting around listening to her sing, all googgly eyed.”

Christen leaned back in her chair, “So she was a ladies-man?”

“No way,” he said simply, “The girls all wanted her, but she never wanted them. No, it was always Sofia, constantly, consistently, no matter who looked her way, Tobin only saw Sofia.”

“Who’s Sofia?”

He looked over at the doctor with wide eyes, then back down at Tobin, “Sorry Doc, I thought you knew. If Crunch hasn’t said anything yet… Well, it’s not my story to tell.”

“I understand,” she said softly, pausing for a second to let the air clear, “Tell me about Kelley.”

“Sparky?” He chuckled, “Talk about crazy times…”

She listened to him talk, but the mystery was out there, and her brain couldn’t focus on anything else. Who was Sofia? Why hadn’t Tobin mentioned her before? Why was she such a secret?

 

—

 

Tobin had worked on the truck for hours, getting everything prepped and ready to be unhooked and pulled out. She looked over to the front porch of the cabin, Christen and John had been sitting for over and hour, talking about god knows what, laughing the whole time. It was good to see her friend get along with the girl she was starting to have serious feelings for. John was a big part of her life, they may not have seen each other as often, but his opinion mattered a lot to Tobin. There was a time when his gut was one of the only things Tobin could trust, if he said Christen was good, and good for her, then she was. 

She cleaned up her tools, wiping them down before putting them in the tool box on her truck. She looked in the side mirror and cleaned her face the best she could, before walking up to the porch and greeting her friends. 

“Hey, what are you guys up to?” She looked up at them. 

“Talking shit about you,” John responded quickly, “I was telling her what a terrible person you are, she hates you now.”

Christen nodded, “Yup.”

“Well, I guess this is an awkward time to let you know I’m about a quarter of a way done with the jeep.”

“Already,” she looked out to the jeep with pieced missing, “Man you work fast.”

“I do,” she said proud of herself, “But now I’m hungry. How about some breakfast? Whatcha got to eat in this dump John-Boy?”

“Leave it to me,” John popped up out his seat, “I got just the thing.” He rush into the house. 

Tobin climbed up the steps and met Christen on the porch. “How’d you sleep?”

“Great,” Christen answered for the second time this morning, “How did you sleep?”  
“Barley,” she responded with a lid breath, “I always have trouble sleeping away from the house.”

“I get it.” Christen smiled. 

They stood looking at each other, both of them waiting for the other to speak. When the silence became too much, Tobin gestured for the door and they went inside. They sat down at the table and watched John move around the kitchen, lucky for them he started talking, telling stories of the past, making Christen laugh and Tobin blush. 

It was nice to have them talking, for Christen to learn a little about her past with out Tobin having to explain it. She wanted Christen to know about her, about who she was before she turned into the silent robot she was now, the nervous wreck that had no idea how to be calm. She wanted Christen to know the person she was before the war, the excited, happy person she wanted to be again. 

Every story John told, Christen would look over at Tobin and make comments, simple ones like ‘you did not do that,’ or ‘i can’t see you being that crazy.’ Tobin always answered simply, explaining away her wild past, laughing at how she use to be. She wished the time wouldn’t end, she wished Christen could learn her from stories, could figure out who she was in the eyes of those who loved her the most. She wished Christen could fall for her just from her past.

 

After breakfast, Tobin headed back out to the jeep. She grabbed her tools and started work, as Christen helped John clean up the kitchen. She turned stood by the truck, looking over into the cabin watching Christen laugh at something John was telling her. She was beautiful when she was happy, carefree, Tobin wanted to make her feel like that every single moment of the day. 

She worked hard, marking all the important parts of the truck, removing the things she didn’t need. Christen would come out and bring her water every hour, making sure she was okay, offering as much help as her limited knowledge could give. Each time Tobin wanted to say yes, ask her to stay out there, even if she was just hanging out watching her work. She wished she would just stay and talk, but each time she say she was okay, tell Christen to go back inside where it was warm. 

What in the world was going on? Why couldn’t she talk? It was like she lost her voice. The whole car ride she had no problem talking, no issue answering questions, or just discussing random topics. Here in the junk yard, she couldn’t find her voice, she couldn’t summon up the person she was in the car, like there was something blocking her. The worst thing that could happen to her was not being able to talk, not be able to show Christen who she truly was. She spent the rest of the day, trying to say words, trying to ask Christen to stay out with her, but each time the wonderful woman came out, Tobin would tell her she was fine, and continue working alone. What the hell was happening?

 

—

 

As the sun set and the cold got too much for her to stay outside, she decided it was time to head inside. She cleaned up her tools, working from the lights on her truck, placing each tool in its place, taking up time before she had to go inside, face Christen, sit in silence, since she had yet to find her voice. Making her way up the to the house she tried to remember stories that John had told, maybe she could elaborate on them. She tried to remember the topics they talked about in the car, maybe start a conversation about something Christen liked. By the times she made it to the front door, standing outside for a far longer time then normal, she finally made her way into the house, hanging up her jacket and looking over to the living room.

Christen was sitting on the couch reading a book. The sound of the shower running meant John would be gone for a while. Tobin walked into the living room, sitting in the arm chair, waiting for a chance to say something, hoping Christen would speak first. 

“How’s it looking?” Christen asked.

She looked out the window to the jeep, “Good, almost ready to come out.”

“That’s awesome. Are you done for the night?” She sat up on the couch, folding her book on her lap.

“Yeah, it’s too dark out there,” Tobin said happily, “Time for me to get warm.” She smiled rubbing her hands together. 

Christen looked over to the bathroom door, then to Tobin, “Can I ask a question, about John?”

“Sure,” Tobin said sitting up, nervous for the question. 

She leaned forward as if he would be able to hear her through the door, “How did he lose his leg? He said it was saving you, but he didn’t say how.”

**Tobin lowered her head, the memory burned into her mind. She thought about it, taking herself back to the day, she could still see it, she could still smell the smoke, the dirt. She could still feel the humidity in the air, the warmth of the blood splashing against her face. She could hear the screams of those around her, Kelley calling out to get her attention. She could feel herself popping back to attention, the same way she did when she sprang into action to save John that day.**

**“He did save me,” she breathed out calming herself. “We were in Venezuela, the last few months that I was out there. We were on mission, and got pinned down. There was a grenade, he kicked it out the way. Saved me, saved Kelley, but it blew right when he kicked it, took his leg.”**

“Oh my god,” Christen gasped lowly, holding her hand to her chest.

“We rushed him to the hospital, his leg was gone, there was no way to save it, but they saved him,” Tobin leaned back in her chair, trying to get the images out of her head. Her friend busted up, the mountain man laying in bed, a quarter of him gone. She tried to think of the months after, his smile when she visited him, how they joked about the whole thing now, making light of the situation to keep from breaking down. “He won’t ever let me forget it.” She smiled over to her, letting Christen know it was all okay now. “Asshole holds it over me every single time he wants something from me. Watch he’ll do it tonight.”

Christen laughed lightly, knowing Tobin was trying to keep herself from falling into the story. “So he’s like your hero?” She joked.

“He thinks so,” Tobin chuckled, “If you ask him, he’ll say yes.”

They paused for a second, Tobin hoping Christen would say something else, bring them out of the story, into something better, brighter, something they could laugh about.

“Can I ask you another question?” She asked hopeful that Tobin was in a good mood and ready to share. 

She shrugged, “Sure.”

“Who’s Sofia?”

Tobin’s eyes got dark, her fist clinched, “John say that name?”

The tension filled the air and Christen could feel it, the heat coming off the girl across from her, “He didn’t say anything about her, just that it was something you should share…”

“Yeah, well it’s none of his business,” she shot up from her seat, “And none of yours.”

Tobin could feel the anger rise up inside her, something she hadn’t felt in years. Hearing Christen say her name, say Sofia’s name, it called up a demon inside her that she hadn’t seen in years. She wanted to yell, she wanted to punch something. She wanted to run into the bathroom and beat the living shit out of John for saying anything. She grabbed her jacket and headed out the door. Without thinking, she got in her truck, pulled out of the junk yard, getting onto the road and driving. 

 

The roads were dark, a fog had rolled in to the top of the mountains. She could barley see, her brights doing nothing to remedy the situation. She rolled down her window and let the freezing air hit her face, trying to calm herself. She had been driving for twenty minutes, barreling down the road. What is the world she was doing, what was she hoping for, what did she want, it was a mystery, for now she was just driving, letting her thoughts take over. 

The whole day she had been killing herself trying to talk to Christen, trying to find ways to open up, to let her in, trying and failing. Each time the doctor made her way down to the jeep, each time she brought a smile down, Tobin tried to talk, tried to ask questions, tried to prolong the visit, but nothing would come out. The second she got a chance to talk, to share, and she had to run. 

There was no way to talk about Sofia, to talk to the girl she was starting to have feelings for about the woman she loved. How in the hell was she supposed to explain Sofia? How in the world was anyone supposed to explain her? There was no way to explain who she was, what she was, everything she did, everything she was, everything she could have been. There was no way to put into words who the love of her life was. There was no way to explain her in a way that anyone could understand. Sofia was everything, she was the good in the world, the light in her life, the only thing that kept her going in the darkest of times. Her memory was the reason Tobin lived, the reason she dreamt, the reason she thought. There was no way to say all that. 

 

She drove as fast as the conditions would let her, the air filling the cab. She closed her eyes, tried to push the anger away, trying to remember the love she had for Sofia, let that take her. She closed them tight, forcing herself to keep them closed, forcing herself to remember Sofia’s smile, her eyes, the dimples in her cheeks, the gold in her hair, everything that made her so amazing. She closed her eyes until she couldn’t keep them shut any longer, until they burned. 

When she finally opened her eyes, she saw a deer in front of her, she slammed on the breaks the truck squealing to a stop, just before the deer. Tobin looked up to watch the creature look over to her, then prance away like nothing happened. That’s when she felt it, the tears running down her cheeks, the ache in her heart. 

She looked down at her keys, jingling in the ignition, she reached up, touching the slim silver nut that was hanging off the keyring. She held in in her hand, letting the tears flow, the jam nut Sofia had placed on her finger the day they got engaged, the day her life changed, the day she became whole. 

“I can’t do this,” she cried out, “I don’t know how to do this without you.”

She put her head down on the steering wheel, not able to hold it up anymore. “I can’t do this.”

The wind blew into the truck, strong, forcing Tobin to pick her head up and look out the windshield. The fog had cleared allowing the moon light to shine down. Tobin looked up, seeing the moon, full and bright in the sky, stars as far as her eyes could see. Suddenly, she was calm. 

“Okay,” she said simply, wiping her eyes, “Okay.”

 

—

 

Christen waited on the couch, hoping Tobin would come back, it had been an hour and her heart was starting to sink. She told John what happened, how Tobin left when she mentioned Sofia, he didn’t elaborate on the situation, simply telling her that Tobin would come back eventually, she just needed time. She trusted his words, he knew Tobin better and longer, he knew how she was when she freaked out, so sh waited. There was no way for her to sleep thinking about Tobin out on the road, this late, with the fog, so she sat up staring at the window, waiting for the headlights to shine through, letting her know Tobin was safe. 

Her eyes burned as she made herself stay awake, never turning from the window, finally when the lights filled the window, she let her self breathe. 

Tobin walked into the door, looked over at her with the saddest face she had ever seen. “You stayed awake.”

“How could I sleep?” Christen cried out, “I was worried about you.”

“I’m sorry,” she said softly as she hung her jacket up on the hook next to the door, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Christen stood up from the couch, “I know you didn’t… But you did.”

“I…” she tried to find the words suddenly finding herself unable to speak again, “I’m sorry.”

“What happened?” The worried woman asked, wrapping her arms around herself, “Why did you leave?”

“I’m not good at this,” Tobin said in a rush, “I’m not good at doing this, at talking, at sharing, at being whatever it is that you want me to be.”

“I don’t want you to be anything but who you are,” she said quickly taking a few steps towards her, “Tobin, you don’t have to share anything.”

“Then why do you ask?” She didn’t mean to sound so harsh. 

Christen took a step back, “Because I want to know you.” She looked forward waiting for a response, “Just because I want to know things, doesn’t mean you have to tell me. You can share as little or as much as you want with me or with anyone else.”

“I don’t want anyone else to know anything,” she said quickly, not sure of what she was trying to say, “I’m not good with people, with talking, with all of this… But… I’m trying.”

She could feel herself relax as Tobin’s resolve soften, “You don’t have to tell anyone anything. I know you are trying, I can see that, and you have no idea how much it means that you are trying… for me.”

“It’s been a long time,” she looked up at her, trying to show the woman in front of her how sorry she was, how much she wanted it all to be okay. “It’s been a long time since I’ve known anyone new, anyone who wanted to know me.”

“It’s scary,” she shrugged trying to smile. 

Tobin smiled back, “Yeah, it is.”

“I’m sorry I pried, I won’t ask you anymore questions like that…”

“No, don’t be,” she interrupted trying to find to courage to tell a part of the story. “That’s just… She’s just… a hard thing to talk about.” She crossed her arms hugging herself, “Sofia is my wife… Was my wife, she… she died, it’s still… hard.”

“I’m so sorry Tobin,” Christen could see the pain in her eyes, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Tobin looked up at her, “I want to… one day, just not yet.”

“I understand,” she answered hopefully, “Whenever you’re ready, if you ever are, I’ll be here.” She took a few steps closer, leaving only a foot between them, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good,” Tobin smiled, the first happy one of the night. She wanted to say more, she wanted to tell Christen that this was the hardest subject for her to talk about it, that it would be a long time before she could actually explain, but she couldn’t get the words out, so she settled for something she knew she could say, “Maybe tomorrow you can help me with the jeep?”

Christen gave her a big smile, “I’d love that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope everyone came out of this happy and healthy. 
> 
> If you need anything else explained, military wise or car wise, let me know and I'll add it to the comments. Sometimes I write like everyone has all the same strange knowledge that I do, so hit me up with the confusing stuff and I'll clear it up.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin finishes the jeep. The three friends drink and talk about important stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I am so sorry. My job took hold, I have to do some crazy secret squirrel shit and it took all my energy and brain power. But I am back.
> 
> Second, ignore the typos.

Tobin laid down on the couch, forcing herself not to look over at the door to the guest room, where Christen was asleep, soundly, happily. She was so close, yet so far away. As much as Tobin longed to get up, knock on the door, see her, hug her, anything that prolonged their time together, she kept herself on the couch, kept herself from getting up and making a fool of herself. 

“That was your chance" she put her hands behind her head, mentally beating herself up.

They had talked for an hour after Tobin finally made her way back to the cabin. She sat on the couch across from her, telling her things she hadn’t told anyone in a long time, and she listened to Christen talk about her past. The one thing she couldn’t get off her mind, the thing she thought about the entire time they spoke, kissing her, going across the couch, closing the gap between them, and kissing her.

There was no way she would have been able to do that, no way she could have kissed her, but the want was there. The way Christen looked at her when she finally walked through the door, her eyes big and puffy and filled with worry, the look on her face, it spoke clearly. Christen had feelings for her, and as much as she wanted to fight it, Tobin had feelings too, and they were growing. She could have kissed her, maybe Christen even wanted it the same way she did, she could have done it and it would have been nice, but there was no way she had the courage. 

As much as her mind tried to fight it, she wanted Christen and she had no idea how to handle it. She was a mess, and not just a little bit, she was a big time, no fixing it mess, and she was in no shape to want a woman like Christen, but she was also in no shape to fight the feelings, she was too weak to fight, too weak to deny, but she was also too weak to go for it, too weak to try and too weak to give up. She was weak, and every glance Christen gave her just made her weaker.

“Maybe you should've kissed her." She whispered into the night.

It wasn't just that she wanted Christen, she wanted time with her, she wanted to talk to her, listen to her, know her, but she was not ready. If she rushed it, gave into the need inside her to get to know the beautiful woman behind the door, she would ruin it, this Tobin would ruin it, and Christen didn’t deserve that, she deserved the best version of Tobin she could possibly give, and that would take time, and space.  
   
Still, the thought circled around in her head, there was no stopping it from banging around in her brain. The thought of getting up, knocking on the door, softly at first, maybe so soft no one could hear it, so soft it wouldn’t even be louder than the beating of her heart. As her breath quickened, as she felt herself get weaker, she would somehow summon up the courage to knock again, harder this time, overcoming everything that was holding her back. She would listen to the soft padded footsteps across the room, and the door would open and everything in her would force her body forward, force her to give in to everything she wanted, kiss her; and put so much passion behind it that Christen would go weak in the knees, and of course Tobin would catch her, never letting her fall over, and they would fall in love. That would be the greatest thing that could happen, but that was strong Tobin, the one she use to be, and this was weak Tobin, she wouldn’t be able catch her, not yet.  
   
Finally, after her body fought her mind, she finally closed her eyes, her body finally remembering how tired she was from all the work she had done. She let herself relax, find sleep, find dreams, and tonight, maybe, find Sofia.  
   
__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   
 _“Tobin,” the familiar voice called out._  
   
 _Tobin sat up from the couch, the one she had picked out two days ago, with fluffy pillows and memory foam cushions, perfect for napping. She looked around her apartment, boxes still piled in the corner waiting for her wife to decide where she wanted to put everything. She looked for the voice, the person it was coming from, the only thing she was ever happy to wake up to, but she couldn’t find her._  
   
 _“Sof,” she called out, wiping her eyes, still searching, “Where are you?”_  
   
   
 __

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   
She shot up from the couch, trying to catch her breath, trying to remember the dream, if there was more to it that her brain couldn't recall, or if it was just that, a voice calling out to her. She sat up, looking around the cabin, remembering where she was, who was around, and most importantly, what she needed to do.  
   
The sun wasn’t up, outside still dark, though it was morning, Tobin looked at her watch and noticed the time. She should have tried to go back to sleep, she should have tried to rest, but her mind was awake and no matter how tired her body was, she was no longer able to find sleep, so she got up, put on her coveralls and headed out to the jeep where she could at least find some kind of peace.  
   
   
\--  
   
   
The banging woke Christen out of her sleep, she heard it in her dream, her mind manifesting it into some random element in an attempt to keep her asleep, but it was too much and she was officially awake. She sat up in the bed looking around the dark room, trying to focus on her surroundings, when the banging started again, same as before, same as yesterday morning. She slowly got out of bed and peeled back the curtains looking out to see the sun just starting to rise, and Tobin out on the jeep hitting something with a hammer.  
   
She rubbed her face with her palm, trying to wake herself up fully. How in the world was Tobin awake? They talked for an hour last night, after Tobin came through the door and Christen no longer had to worry about how the angry woman was, when she didn’t have to worry anymore. Her heart raced after Tobin left, slamming the door, the harsh words ringing in her ears. She had pushed too far, asking about Sofia, asking questions Tobin wasn’t ready to answer, and it triggered the woman she was trying to get to know.

She was afraid Tobin would be hurt on the foggy road, or that she would drive away and never come back, that everything they had built would be ruined, and she would never get a chance to know who Tobin truly was. She sat on the couch staring at the door, waiting, quietly, impatiently, screaming in her head for Tobin to come back. The worry was only gone when Tobin walked through the door, her deep brown eyes blood shot from tears, and even though Christen’s heart was broken to see her in that state, she was happy to just see her.  
   
Christen didn’t get much out of the sad girl, just tiny pieces of her past, little things that didn’t mean much besides Tobin’s way of showing she was trying to open up. Whatever she got, Christen was happy, she was just happy to listen, to talk, to have time together, to grow closer even if it was just by an inch.  
   
   
   
She threw on a pair of yoga pants and a sweater and headed out the room to the smell of coffee brewing. John was in the kitchen, chopping tomatoes, humming to himself.  
   
“What time is it?” Christen asked in a scratchy voice.  
   
 John looked up and flashed a smile, “It’s 615.”  
   
 Christen huffed, “Why is she up this early?”  
   
He shrugged his giant shoulders and smiled, “She was up early than this, she just starting hitting the hammer a few minutes ago. Something must be on her mind.”  
   
Christen wrapped her arms around herself, she knew something was on Tobin’s mind, maybe it was their conversation, maybe it was her past. Knowing what was on Tobin’s mind was almost impossible, but she knew it had something to do with her, and it made her feel guilty. The last thing she wanted was to put Tobin through anymore pain, or worry, or confusion than she had already been through. Tobin tortured herself about almost everything in her life, present, past, future, and Christen didn’t want to be the cause of any of that worry. She didn’t want to be the reason the sad woman was outside hitting things with hammers, agonizing over words and looks, working herself into a state where maybe she couldn’t be brought out of. 

A bang, followed by a loud ring, followed by a loud curse came from outside. 

“It’s too early for this,” she said trying to wake herself up enough to know what to do.  
   
“I tried to get her to come in,” he laughed at the struggling woman, “She won’t listen to me. You can try, make her come in for coffee at least, get warm, she has to be freezing out there.”  
   
She turned and looked out the window, squinting her eyes to see the woman outside working hard, “Will she come in?”  
   
 “If _you_ ask,” he smiled, knowing the pull the woman had on his friend, “Ask nicely.”  
   
Christen chuckled watching Tobin put her hands on her hips, looking frustrated at something. Her hand traveling to the back of her neck as she studied the vehicle, a habit Christen was quickly getting used to, knowing it meant the mechanic was frustrated. Tobin had gestures, moves she made that caused butterflies in Christens stomach, made her melt when she watched her. The way she lowered her head when she wanted to say something she thought was difficult, the way she talked to herself in the car, pumping herself up, the way her hands always seemed to travel to her jacket pockets when she was unsure about something. Christen was learning her well, learning what everything meant, now she just needed to learn how to talk to her in a way that would let her open up.  
   
She took her jacket off the rack and headed outside. She walked slowly towards the woman waiting for her to make a move, maybe sense that she was coming, but by the time she was only a few feet away Tobin hadn’t moved.  
   
“Hey,” Christen called out in a happy tone.  
   
Tobin turned, a smile appearing on her face, “Oh hey, how are you?”  
   
Christen scrounged her nose, “It’s 615 in the morning.”  
   
“I woke you up,” Tobin stated with wide eyes, “I didn’t mean to, I just really wanted to get this done. I’m sorry.”  
   
She looked so concerned, Christen couldn’t hold the angry face for too long, “It’s okay, I know you like to work. Are you okay?”  
   
“I’m fine,” she responded lowering her head, “I just couldn’t sleep, but I should have thought about you sleeping.”  
   
“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled over to her, “Come in and have some breakfast.”  
   
“Okay, just let me finish…”  
   
“Nope,” Christen shook her head, “Come inside, it’s freezing.”  
   
Tobin smiled over at her, her pouting face looking as cute as anything she had ever seen, “Okay, can I at least clean up my…”  
   
“Nope,” she said, shaking her head and adding a smile.  
   
“But my…”  
   
“Nope,” she stuck out her hand out in front of her, a few inches from Tobin, “Let’s go.”  
   
There was no stopping it, not now, not when Christens hand looked so inviting in front of her. “Okay, fine.”  
   
She took off her work gloves, and reached out and took Christens hand, her body feeling like it was going to explode as soon as their skin touched. She tried her best to contain her smile, to keep the big goofy grin away, but she couldn’t and when Christen saw she smiled back, equally as big, dragging Tobin from the jeep and into the house.  
   
   
\--  
   
   
Tobin took drank the last of her coffee, now cold from sitting on the table for the half hour it took them to eat the omelet and bacon John had prepared. They were now sitting around, John and Christen talking back in forth about the old world. Tobin sat back in her chair, content to listen to them go on and on, especially if it meant Christen would keep smiling. 

This was the first time in a while she felt happy, not in the way she did when she completed a project, or in the way she was when she and Kelley would sit around joking about everything. This happiness felt different, like there wasn’t a dark shadow hanging above her head waiting to rain on her parade at any point in time. This happiness felt like it could go on forever, it could grow into something more, it had potential to be more than just singular happiness, like it could spread, and grow, and become, something she just couldn’t describe, something she hadn’t known yet. For the first time in a long time Tobin was looking forward to her day, looking forward to being in the moment, to being alive.  
   
“What did they try to pass off as coffee when we were in Korea?” John asked, taking Tobin out of her thoughts.  
   
She looked at him, processing what he was asking before answering, “Chicory,” she said after a few seconds of thought.  
   
“The devils juice,” John laughed out loud, “They ran out of coffee, and tried to pawn that shit off on us, it was the worst thing I have ever tasted.”  
   
“Chicory isn’t that bad,” Christen laughed with him, “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not coffee, but it has a lot of health benefits.”  
   
“Caffeine not being one of them,” John said quickly. “A grumpy bunch of Marines coming down off caffeine highs, and you give then chicory, it did not go over well.”  
   
“I can imagine,” she nodded, looking over at Tobin, “I suppose you have a mutual hatred of chicory?”  
   
Tobin snapped back into the conversation, “No, I don’t hate it.” She smiled, “But if you try to pass is off as coffee, I may or may not lose my mind.”  
   
“No tricking you about coffee, got it.” Christen smiled.  
   
“Well, I am going to get these dishes done, then go into town,” John stated standing up, “Doc, do you want to come to town with me, or stay with this dude?”  
   
She looked over at Tobin, her eyes wide and hopeful, and she much as she wanted to see the town, learn more about the way of the north, knowing Tobin sounded so much better.  
   
“I think I am going to stay, maybe help Tobin,” she gave an optimistic look, “If that’s okay.”  
   
“Yeah,” Tobin responded quickly, a smile coming across her face, “That would be great.”  
   
   
   
\--  
   
   
Tobin stood watching the oil drain into the pan she had set down. She had been outside for a few minutes, dropping fluids and watching them drain, her mind not focused on the task, only thinking about Christen. The doctor had options for her day, she could have left, went to town, had a nice day with John, instead she choose to stay and help Tobin work. What did this all mean? Well, she knew what it meant, it meant Christen wanted to spend time with her, maybe talk more, maybe get to know more about each other. How was this possible? How was Christen possibly feeling the same as she was? Was she?  
   
“I’m ready to turn wrenches,” Christen called out as she made her way down to the jeep. She was dressed in a pair of Tobin’s coveralls, the legs rolled up so she didn’t step on the back. “What’s the job, teach?”  
   
“Well,” Tobin responded with a grin, “Nothing right now, we have to wait for it to drain.”  
   
Christens smile fell, “That’s boring, how long will it take?”  
   
“Probably thirty minutes to be sure,” she watched her excitement die down a bit, “In the mean time I can teach you some stuff. What would you like to know about the internal combustion engine?”  
   
“Why’s it called that?” Christen asked, opening the door to the work truck and sitting in the drivers seat, her legs hanging over the side.  
   
Tobin took a few steps towards her, leaning against the door, trying to get as close as possible without touching, “It’s called an ICE because combustion happens internally, and that’s not be being a smart ass,” She laughed knowing how she felt when she was first being introduced to the information. “The four stroke engine is run by a fire, it’s like a bomb goes off each stroke.”  
   
“Four stroke,” Christen smiled, happy to have Tobin talking, laughing, lighting up in this way, “Is there a three stroke?”  
   
“Yeah actually,” she said excited. She could feel herself fire up at the topic, “But it’s kind of complicated and not used as often as four and two stoke.”  
   
“So tell me about the strokes,” She wiggled her eyebrows.  
   
Tobin tried her best to look serious, “This is about knowledge, young lady, no dirty jokes.”  
   
“Sorry,” she pretended to pout, “I’ll be serious, tell me about the four strokes of the engine.”  
   
Tobin shook her head, knowing Christen wasn’t in this conversation for the mechanics, but for the conversation itself, “Well, they are called suck, squeeze, bang, blow.”  
   
“Shut up,” Christen reached out and slapped Tobin’s shoulder, “No dirty jokes, I thought.”  
   
“It’s not a joke,” Tobin cracked up, “It’s what they are called.”  
   
“No way,” she slapped her shoulder again.  
   
Tobin reached over and grabbed her hand, holding on for a few seconds, looking into Christens eyes, “I’m serious.” She smiled, not wanting to let go, but knowing she needed to, if she was ever going to get through this without getting lost in Christen. “But sometimes they are called, intake, compression, combustion and exhaust.”  
   
“That sounds more scientific,” Christen smiled, holding onto her hand that Tobin just had, still feeling Tobin’s skin on hers.  
   
Tobin leaned back against the door, “The engine is made up of cylinders, most commonly four, each cylinder has a piston inside that perfectly fits it, and on top keeping it sealed are valves, which also let air in and out.” She looked up, half expecting Christen to look bored at the topic, but she was met with wide eyes and excitement, so she continued, explaining things the way it was to her when she first started out. “The first stroke is intake, the intake valve opens and the piston in the cylinder goes down creating a vacuum that sucks in air. Then the valve closes and the second stroke beings, compression, where the piston travels up squeezing the air so tight in the cylinder that the air super heats.” She started making examples with her hand, making a fist and pushing it into the air, getting into teaching the woman she liked about one of her favorite subjects. “Next is combustion, the fuel injectors squirt a fine mist of whatever fuel you are using, and micro seconds later the spark plug sparks causing a huge bang, forcing the piston down the cylinder. After the exhaust port opens up and the piston comes back up allowing the air and fuel that wasn’t burnt to travel out. Then the cycle starts over again.”  
   
Christen popped up, “That’s it?”  
   
“Yup,” Tobin smiled.  
   
“Sounds simple enough,” She looked over at the jeep, “I think I’m ready to fix that thing now.”  
   
The mechanic started to crack up, “Not yet, there is still a lot more.”  
   
“Well, teach me,” she smiled over to her.  
   
Tobin pushed her hands in her pocket, “What do you want to learn?”  
   
“Anything you want to teach me,” she leaned over on the door trim, “Everything you want to teach me.”  
   
She could feel herself getting warmer, there was no doubt her cheeks were red, the way Christen was looking at her, she couldn’t help it, not with those green eyes peering at her.  
   
“Do you know the difference between a diesel and a gasoline engine?” she asked the first question that came to mind.  
   
Christen shook her head, eyes still stair intently at her, “Nope.”  
   
“Well, there are several differences, but the main one is the lack of spark plugs…”  
   
   
   
\--  
   
   
   
The sun had gone down, and the jeep engine was out and put in the back of the work truck, the job was done, and Tobin was happy to sit down at the dinner table and have a drink, still talking to Christen about engines, and life, and everything she could think of. They were two beers in when John walked into the house, ducking to get into the door way and smiling when he saw them comfortable to the table.  
   
“I see the jeep is done,” his deep voice rumbled, “This mean you guys are taking off tomorrow?”  
   
“Yeah,” Tobin said after taking a sip of her beer, “Christen needs to get to 37 for the medication, and back home to give it to her patient.”  
   
He nodded, knowing the time he had with his old friend would be short, “Well in that case, let’s have something a little stronger than beer.”  
   
“I don’t know,” Tobin protested, realizing what he wanted, “I have to drive tomorrow.”  
   
He walked into the kitchen and reached into the top cabinets, “Come on Crunch, don’t be a party pooper. Don’t make me have to peer pressure you.”  
   
“Are we drinking?” Christen asked excitedly, “I haven’t drank, like for real, in a long time.”  
   
“Well Doc, get ready,” he said putting a glass jar on the counter, “This stuff is the real deal.”  
   
Tobin stood up, “No way JB.” She said quickly, grabbing the jar and holding in the air, the clear contents looking exactly like water, but holding way more of a punch, “I thought you meant whiskey, not this stuff. I am not drinking moonshine tonight.”  
   
“Moonshine,” Christen stood up and headed over to the counter, “I’ve never had it before, is it good?”  
   
“It takes like ass,” Tobin told her.  
   
John took the jar from her, “She’s lying, it doesn’t taste like anything…”  
   
“But it’s like drinking pure ethanol,” Tobin added in, “You don’t want to drink this stuff, it’s literal poison.”  
   
Christen took the jar from the man, “I’m the doctor here, I’ll decided what’s poison.” She swirled the contents of the jar watching the liquid tornado in the jar, “Pour me a shot.”  
   
Tobin shook her head, “Chris…”  
   
“Crunch, the lady asked for a shot,” John gave and evil grin, “I won’t deny her, not in my house.”  
   
Tobin shrugged, “You’re going to regret this.”  
   
“Most likely,” Christen cheered, “Are you going to make bad choices with me or are you going to leave us hanging?”  
   
She saw the fire in the doctors eyes, and she could feel the stair her friend was giving her, “Fine.”  
   
“Hell yeah,” John cheered. He pulled out three glasses and poured a small amount in each, “Let’s get drunk.”  
   
Tobin held up her glass, “I am going to blame the both of you in the morning.”  
   
“I’ll deal with all that in the morning,” Christen waved her hand, “Let’s drink.”  
   
   
   
\--  
   
   
   
More shots than they intended and a few ounces mixed with some fruit juice, and the group as in the living room, talking. John was in the arm chair, sunken down as far as his large body could get, a drink in his hand, he had stripped off his long sleeved shirt and was in his A-shirt, claiming to be way too hot. Tobin was on the floor leaning against the couch, her head against the seat cushion, arm across the chair, dangerously close to Christen’s leg. Christen had followed suite, being too hot and was sitting in a t-shirt and shorts, laying on the couch, sneaking peeks at Tobin as they all talked.  
   
“Where are you from?” Christen asked.  
   
John took a deep breath, “Originally, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia to be exact.”  
   
“West Philadelphia.” Tobin laughed.  
   
“Born and raised,” John responded quickly, laughing with his friend.  
   
Tobin picked her head up, “Where did you spend most of your days?”  
   
“On the playground,” he pointed at her and smiled.  
   
“And what did you do there?” she asked trying to keep her laughter contained.  
   
He shrugged, “Mostly chillin and relaxin and actin all cool.”  
   
“Did you shoot any b-ball?"

"Actually I did, outside of school?” he answered, “Until a couple of guys, up to no good, started making trouble in the neighborhood.”  
   
“Oh no,” Tobin fake gasped, “What happened?” 

“Well, I got into one little fight, and my mom got scared,” he chuckled.  
   
She sat up happily, “What did your parents do?”  
   
“They told me I was moving in with my aunty and uncle in Bel Air.”  
   
They both started to crack up, not able to hold onto the joke anymore.  
   
Christen looked back and forth between them, “I know this is some kind of joke between you too, but did you really move to Bel Air?”  
   
The two friend stopped laughing and looked at the young doctor, then back to each other to crack up again, this time Tobin fell over onto the floor holding her side, as John hummed the song they were talking about.  
   
As much as Christen was a little frustrated not getting a real answer from them, she was happy to see Tobin laughing so much. She had a beautiful laugh, it was full and infectious and made Christen laugh even though she didn’t get the joke. She liked the way Tobin was in this moment, carefree and playful, the way she imagined she use to be, before the war, before she lost so much. She like this version of Tobin, she wanted more, even if it meant she didn’t get the jokes.  
   
   
   
They were another shot in and a new mixed drink, and Tobin was standing in the living room, trying to unbutton her coveralls. “It’s so hot,” she slurred out. Finally she got the button undone and slipped the thick sleeves off, tying them around her waist.  
   
Christen watched as the coveralls dropped a little further down, showing just a peek of Tobin’s mid-section, below her t-shirt. Her skin was tan all the way through, and that took all of Christen’s focus. How did she get that tan? Why was she so beautiful?  
   
“Doc?” John called.  
   
She shook her head, looking over at the man, “What’s up?”  
   
He noticed her looking at Tobin, the way her eyes glazed over, the way she had to force herself to look away, “I asked if you learned anything today?”  
   
“Yeah,” she smiled, trying not to look over at Tobin, who was struggling to take her boots off while she was still standing, “She’s a great teacher.”  
   
“You’re a good student,” Tobin said in a cheerful voice, “Better than John-Boy, he sucks.”  
   
“Thanks Crunch,” he said taking a pillow and throwing at her.  
   
The object hit her perfectly in the head as she was balancing on one foot, knocking her over. “Jerk,” she laughed out loud, picking up the pillow and throwing it back at him.  
   
Christen watched Tobin claw at the strings of her boots, looking sad that she could figure out the knots. Finally she had enough of her pouting face, no matter how cute it was, and got up to help. She kneeled down next to her and pushed her hands away from the laces, grabbing them and slowly untying her boots.  
   
Tobin watched as her skillful fingers worked, loosening her boots, and with every motion the urge to kiss her got stronger. “Thanks,” she whispered, swallowing hard, trying to stop herself from leaning forward.  
   
“You’re welcome,” Christen responded looking up at her, those brown eyes glassed over from alcohol, but still shinning bright.  
   
“The knots,” Tobin said softly, licking her lips as she paused, “They were complicated.”  
   
She smiled, “I think you’re just really drunk.”  
   
“Maybe,” she responded in an airy voice, “Still…”  
   
Her mind was hazy, like a fog had poured in and cleared out every negative thought she ever had, every bad memory, every instance where she felt insecure, and in that moment she felt confident in a way she hadn’t in years. Tobin could feel herself leaning forward, her body going without her mind stopping her, needing to know what it felt like to kiss her, even if it was just for a second, she needed to know if Christen’s lips were as soft as they looked. She moved slowly, maybe too slowly.  
   
Christen stood up, shaking her head, “Uh,” she needed to think of something, anything, an excuse.  
   
“Where are you from?” John asked, breaking the tension.  
   
Christen looked over at him, silently thanking him, “California,” she said quickly, moving back to the couch, “LA to be exact.”  
   
She had to stop what was about to happen. She could see Tobin leaning forward, almost hear her mind going a mile a second trying to find a way to kiss her. As much as Christen wanted it, there was no way she could let this be it, their first kiss, drunk on the floor with Tobin’s friend watching. That wasn’t the beginning she wanted, and it wasn’t what Tobin wanted either. She looked down at the girl on the floor, she looked relieved, and that made is a whole lot easier.  
   
   
   
\--  
   
   
The night had gone on for longer than any of them had expected. The room had been filled with laughter and conversation, they talked like the three of them had been friends for years, Christen feeling so comfortable with the two of them, seeing John like a big brother now that she knew so much about him, and her knew so much about her.  
   
“I have one more question,” John slurred out, his eyes looking heavy, “Before we all pass out, I just wanna know one thing.”  
   
Christen was practically asleep, her head on the arm of the chair, “What’s that JB?”  
   
“Why the UMC?”  
   
It was a question she expected a long time ago knowing Tobin’s reaction to finding out who she worked for, she was surprised Tobin hadn’t asked herself.  
   
“Well,” she said sitting up, “The only people making doctors, real doctors, was the UMC. There are ways to become a doctor in the south, but none like the UMC, and they do it for free, or at least you only owe them six years after you finish school. I wanted to be a doctor, I only cared about being good, having the best education and training, I never thought about who I’d be serving.”  
   
Tobin had been lying flat on the floor, but the answer perked her up, “So you don’t want to be in the UMC?”  
   
“Not really,” she responded simply, “They are a means to and end. I owe them three more years and I’m free.”  
   
“What’s next?” John asked.  
   
A smile came across her face, “I don’t know. I used to think I would go to work for my dad, be absorbed into the hospital, become what everyone else is in my family, what I am ‘meant to be’ and all that, but now…”  
   
“Maybe not,” he said in a low voice, “Maybe something else.”  
   
“Maybe,” she smiled, “Maybe I'll open up my own practice, somewhere that needs me, somewhere I can really do some good. Maybe I'll find some land and build a house, a fence, get a dog and all that fantasy stuff.” She leaned back letting her head fall back, “Maybe I'll find a girl, a woman, a provider, someone solid. Maybe I'll have her babies and we live happily ever after. Maybe that’s what’s next.”  
   
“Sounds good to me,” John answered, filling the silence, looking over at Tobin who seemed shell shocked. “Sounds perfect, actually.”  
   
“Yeah,” Christen huffed, gathering energy to stand up, “But I have three years left, so no fantasy stuff just yet. For now, I am going to go pass out.” She headed towards the guest room, stopping to look down at Tobin, “No early mornings.”  
   
Tobin looked up at her, shocked out of her thoughts, “Yeah, no, don’t worry.”  
   
“Good, I don’t think I could take it,” she giggled to herself, “Good night guys.”  
   
“Night doc,” John waved over to her.  
   
Tobin gave the best smile she could, “Night doc, sweet dreams.”  
   
“You too Toby,” she smiled.  
   
The two friends watched the doctor walk into her room and close the door. Tobin unable to move from her spot on the floor. John got up from the chair and walked over to her, looking down, towering over her, tall like a tree casting a shadow on an ant.  
   
“Three years,” he whispered.  
   
Tobin looked up at him, “What?”  
   
“You have three years,” he said, kneeling down next to his friend, “A provider, someone solid. That’s what she is looking for.”  
   
“I’m not that,” she replied lowering her head, “Not anymore.”  
   
“Three years bro,” he slapped his hand down on her shoulder causing her to look up, “You have three years to get your shit together and become that again. If you want her.”  
   
Her eyes got wide, “I don’t know if…”  
   
“Yes you do,” he cut her off knowing she was doubting herself, “Three years. Can you do it?”  
   
She thought for second, going over everything in her head. It took less than a year for her to come together for Sofia. It took less than that for her to fall apart. It’s been four years and she still wasn’t together, not for herself, not for anyone. She looked over at the door, and paused. She had no idea how to figure herself out, how to find everything she use to be. How in the world was she supposed to know if she could do this?  
   
She felt his large hand squeezed her shoulder causing her to look up again. “I don’t know.”  
   
“I do,” he smiled, “You got this.”  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and sticking with me. My wife is yelling at me to get going, we are in France headed to the game tonight, so I should go before her head explodes. 
> 
> Thanks for the love.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Christen go to 37, then drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I'm posting on time, I hope everyone is proud of me. I'm proud of myself. Everything 'should' be calming down, letting me write, so this should be a regular thing.
> 
> Thanks for reading, this one is a little long.
> 
>  
> 
> ******WARNING********
> 
> There are some parts in here that might be tough for some to read. I bolded the whole part so you know what you are reading. It talks about alcohol abuse and suicided. Read with caution. 
> 
> If this tiggers you I am sorry, and know that if you need someone to talk to about any of these issues, while I am no expert, I only have my own experience to go on, I am a great listener.
> 
>    
> **************  
> Military terminology: Muster- is a meeting a the beginning or end of each day/shift. Everyone gathers up and the commander or chief of the group tells everyone what happened last shift, and what's expected out of the days work. It's called different things in different branches.
> 
> Thanks for reading, ignore the typos.

“Good morning,” Tobin said, not noticing the smile that creeped on her face at the sight in front of her.

She watched Christen as she crept out of the door to the guest room, her hair was up in a messy bun, the curls wild and crazy and perfect in a way that she couldn’t describe. She was in a pair of shorts, showing off her legs, brown sugar, long, lean, and making Tobin sit up in her chair. The way she ran her hand across face, her eyes still closed, made Tobin smile even bigger. There was just something about Christen in this innocent state, waking up, not quite ready to face the world, but still perfectly beautiful in a way that was all her own. The light pink wide necked sweater falling off her shoulder, calling for Tobin to get up and pull it back up, keep her warm, keep her safe. How did such a strong woman look so vulnerable and so in need of saving, but also not needing anyones help, all at the same time. 

Christen looked over at her, giving a half smile, clearly forced, her eyes still half closed. “How are you so chipper?”

“I was a heavy drinker for a long time,” Tobin said causally, like it was a secret that needed to be shared, “I have a pretty high tolerance.”

“I partied in college,” Christen stated with a yawn, “And I still feel like I was hit with a truck.”

Tobin got up from the table, moving into the kitchen and pouring a cup of coffee, sliding over to the groggy woman, “We’re on your schedule today, so no need to rush.” She let her know, watching her take the cup and hold it with two hands, no doubt to soak up the warmth from the cup in the slightly chilly air of the cabin.

Christen took a sip from the mug and sighed into the air, “But we do, I have to be responsible and get the medicine to bring back. I have people counting on me, and all that crap.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle at the statement, hearing a doctor be so nonchalant about her work, they way Tobin was most of the time. “Well, good to know you take your oath so seriously. How about you drink the coffee, then take a shower and by the time you get out I will have breakfast ready. We can be on the road in an hour.”

“Hour and a half,” Christen said with a little smile, “And you owe me an omelette.”

“You know, I distinctly remember telling you last night that moonshine was a bad idea,” Tobin stated. 

Christen shot her a look, eyebrows lowered but still a slight smile, “I don’t need ‘I told you so’s’ from you Heath, I need a cheesy omelette and some greasy bacon.”

“How about some toast to absorb it all up?”

“Now you’re talking my language.” Christen took another sip of her coffee closing her eyes at the warm liquid making her feel a little better. She opened her eyes to see Tobin looking at her, a smile plastered on her face, she gave her a quick wink before turning and heading towards the bathroom. 

Tobin watched her walk away, the wink serving to give her chills. She couldn’t help herself, she leaned over the counter and watched as Christen moved. She was beautiful in a way that couldn’t be described, and for the first time in a long time Tobin had a thought, a dirty thought, a little one, but a thought none the less, how could she not?

There was an effect Christen had on her, one Tobin suspected maybe she had on everyone who was attracted to women. This confidence, boarding on cockiness, it made your ears perk up, but also so chill and sweet it made you want to relax. She had Tobin on edge, in the greatest way possible, making her sit up and listen; forcing her to straighten her back and lean forward like she was a teenager in school learning a new subject. It was in that moment, that single wink that served to make Tobin think that there was a very good possibility that she could be, and wouldn’t really mind it, even though she was still frightened of it, but possibly, she could be working her way to being wrapped around Christen’s finger.

 

—

 

They had finished breakfast, and Tobin was out on the truck making sure all the large parts from the jeep were strapped down tight and all her tools were back in place in the truck. She had already put all the bags in the back seat, making it easy on Christen to come outside and get on the road without any trouble. She didn’t want Christen to struggle, no more than she already was. Although Tobin knew full well Christen could carry her own bags, and put them in the back seat, something inside her wanted to do it, wanted to be the one that took one, even if it was simple, task away from her so she didn’t have to worry. She liked the idea of Christen coming out the room, prepared to carry her bags out and seeing that they were taken care of, maybe she would smile, maybe she would give a little laugh, maybe she would feel secure in the fact that Tobin did things without needing to be asked or pressured, maybe she would take the simple gesture as a sign that Tobin was, in fact, trying to show Christen that she didn’t need to work as hard when she was around. 

Christen didn’t seem like the ‘need help’ type, far from it. She could, carry her own weight, as it would be phrased in the military. Tobin enjoyed helping though, it made her feel useful in a time when she usually felt pretty useless. She may have been the only mechanic in town, the only one that could fix things like generators and vehicles, but it never filled that thing inside her that needed to be truly useful. The way Christen waited on her the night before, the way she smiled when Tobin did things for her, that made Tobin feel useful, wanted, needed, for the first time in a long time.

There was a feeling creeping up inside her, something she couldn’t explain, and maybe it didn’t need to be explained, maybe it was okay going unknown. Whatever it was, it felt nice, it helped fill some of the cracks and holes in her soul. Something was changing, and she wasn’t afraid.

 

Christen stood on the porch watching Tobin work, pulling on the tie downs, counting tools in the tool box, mentally checking everything on the list she had made before she went down to the truck. She was silently mouthing words, and pointing to objects, nodding her head as if she was talking to someone else. One of the best parts about Tobin was watching her when she didn’t know it, getting the raw unfiltered Tobin and all her quirks, Christen could watch her all day.

“You ready to head back to the real world?” John appeared beside her. 

“No,” she answered with a sigh, “I wish we could stay here longer.” She paused for a second, not sure if she should say the next thing. She quickly decided John knew enough about her now to understand what she meant. “I like who she is out here.”

He nodded, watching his friend work, “There is always a calm to her when she is away from her own town, less pressure I think.”

She leaned against the post, not taking her eyes off Tobin as she moved around the truck, “I could almost feel her tense up this morning, knowing we are going back.”

“The way she is out here, with you, she can be that way in 34, with time.” He told her trying to convey an important message to her without over stepping, “She just needs someone.”

“She has Kelley,” Christen stated. 

“I love Sparky,” John said in a low voice, “But those two have been relying on each other for years. The pressure on both of them to keep each other from falling apart is too much, and neither of them know how to stop it. I think if Tobin had someone, then Kelley would be okay with finding someone too, and they could both heal, together, but apart. I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“It does,” Christen nodded, “I get it.”

Before they had a chance to say anything else, Tobin was headed up to the porch, a smile on her face. 

Christen turned to John and gave him a knowing look. “I’m going to miss you JB.”

“I’m going to miss you too Doc,” He said scooping her into a hug, “But you’ll come see me again, at least you better.”

“You bet your ass I will,” she joked as the hug broke, “I’m coming down in the summer when we can actually have some fun outside.”

He chuckled, “Sounds like a plan.”

Tobin came up the steps of the porch looking over at the doctor, “You ready?”

“Yup,” she smiled, “I’ll meet you at the truck.” She said as she headed down the steps, letting the friends have some privacy to say goodbye, only looking back once to make sure Tobin was still smiling.

They waited for her to be halfway to the truck before they started to talk, “She’s a good one.” John said. 

“I noticed,” Tobin joked. 

“Seriously Crunch,” he said in a stern voice, “She’s good, and she’s good for you. Don’t be so scared.”

Tobin looked down at the girl, she had reached the truck and was leaning against the hood, looking out into the fields. “I’m trying.”

“You heard her last night, three years,” he told her again.

She nodded her head, pushing her hands into her pocket. The phrase had rolled around in her head all night, like a pinball in a machine and an expert at the controls. Even drunk, and half sleepy, she thought about it. The idea wormed its way into a her brain and dug deep until it came to a final stop, a conclusion that Tobin never thought she would come to. 

Almost like she was incepted by her friend and Christen, the idea grew into something more. First it was simple, the thought that she could be with Christen, actually be with her without fear, without reservations. That sounded nice. Then it developed further to the thought that there could be a future where she could be happy, actually happy, looking forward to her future. Those two ideas combined into one grand idea; she could be happy with Christen. 

The drunk words of the night echoed in her mind, ‘house, fence, dog, babies.’ All things Tobin had wanted at one point in time, all things that died when all her hopes and dreams died, when the light was taken from her life and any idea of a family was stripped from her, leaving he bare and alone and so incredibly sad it consumed her. Now there was a girl, a woman, a wonderfully smart, funny, sweet and let’s just say it, Sexy, woman that had the idea of a family and hope, and Tobin’s mind came to a fully formed thought, inspiration, genuine and all her own. If she worked at it, if she really worked at it, she could have a family, and if she was lucky, she could have that with Christen. Maybe. 

The hope sparked, and it left her beaming as she fell asleep. When she woke in the morning the idea was still there, but, now sober, she had to remind herself that this wasn’t going to be easy, not on her, not on Christen, not on anyone around them, but maybe if she took her time, let herself finally feel happiness, after shutting that part of herself down, maybe it could work out.

She looked up at her friend, holding back a grin as she reminded herself of her idea “I think I can do it in less than that.”

A smile came across his face, “Don’t rush it, but… Don’t give up, even when it get’s hard.”

“I won’t,” Tobin said simply, “Thanks brother, for these last couple of days, for everything.”

He stood up straight, “Hey I got my damn leg blown off for you, a couple days away from the chaos and some jeep parts are the least you ever asked of me.”

“Are you ever going to let that go?” She laughed. 

“Nah, never.”

Tobin went up the final step, throwing her arms around the giant of a man, hugging him as close as she possibly could. John squeezed tight, lifting her in the air for a second before setting her down. 

“Well,” He said with a little cough, “I like, love you and all that sappy stuff.”

“Lame,” Tobin chuckled, punching him in the arm. She walked down the steps, turning to see him, “I love you too.”

“Gross,” he laughed, “See you again, sis.”

“And again after that, brother. ” She smiled over to him one more time before heading off to the truck.

 

—

 

They had been driving for about an hour, music playing softly, Christen’s eyes closed, window slightly cracked letting the air blow on her face. Tobin assumed her hangover needed the fresh air and quiet, so she enjoyed the drive and the road ahead. Her mind was too busy to carry on a real conversation, it was clouded up with Johns words, and her revelation. 

Christen was good for her. It hd been years since someone had captured her thoughts, consumed her mind, made her head go foggy. It had been years since anyone had peaked her interest, and Christen had done way more than that, she made Tobin hope. She hoped that she could be better in the day, in the hour, better in a way that would make Christen smile. She hoped that she could find the right words to say, find the right things to do, anything that would make Christen happy. She hoped to be better, and it wasn’t just because she wanted to capture her attention, it was because she wanted to be better for her, and for herself. 

The idea had always been there, get better, be better, but she never truly had a reason. When she was home, in the garage, in the fence of her property she didn’t need to improve, she was good just the way she was. She could fix trucks, live her life, be friends with Kelley and Alex and anyone else, all just being the version of herself she had grown into. Christen was the first person to challenge her, change the way she thought about life. 

Maybe this portion of her life, after all the worse things had happen to her, maybe it didn’t have to be about surviving, maybe it could be about thriving, about living, about being happy instead of just being. The days, all the long and short ones that seemed to run together, they could be more than time, more than the setting of the sun and the movement of the stars, all this time could be about happiness. She could find that portion of herself that looked forward to the night, to the day, to seeing a smiling face and a set of grey/green eyes that sent shivers down her spine. She could live again, not for, but with Christen. Having this woman in her life opened up that space in her mind, in her body where hope use to be, and it was now being filled in a way she had never imagined. 

 

“Are we close?” Christen asked, stretching as far as her arms could in the cab of the truck. 

Tobin turned her eyes from the road to give her a small smile, “About ten minutes from town.”

“Good, because I need an aspirin and a full glass of water,” she chuckled to herself, “I don’t get how you are not hungover.”

**“When you drink as much as I use to, you build a tolerance, and alcohol tends not to effect you the same way,” Tobin said with a sad tone, “I use to be really bad, drunk almost every night. Kelley and I could kill bottles of that moonshine in a night, straight up no chaser, just drinking, staring out into the night sky, wondering, crying until we passed out.”**

**Christen sat up in her seat, “What made you stop?”**

**“She almost died,” Tobin answered with a breath, “Alcohol poisoning. Tiff had to come over and pump her stomach, shoved a tube down her throat. I stayed by her bed for a full day waiting for her to wake up. It was one of the scariest things I have ever been through. I thought I might lose her. But she ended up okay. After that we stuck to beers, whiskey every once in a while.”**

**“You didn’t have to drink last night,” she sounded concerned.**

**“I’m not an alcoholic,” Tobin said with a light laugh, “I just drank a lot. I don’t do that anymore, drink for the pain. I only drink because I want to, I don’t have to.”**

**Christen sat back, “I don’t want you to ever do anything you don’t want, not for me.”**

**“Don’t freak out Doc,” Tobin said lightly, looking over and flashing a smile, “I’ll never put myself or Kelley in that situation again. I like living, now.”**

**She took a second, afraid to ask the next question, but compelled to do so, “Was there a time when you didn’t… Like living?”**

**Tobin nodded, not afraid to admit her past, “There was a long time when I didn’t care. I never wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t care if I lived. I spent a long stretch of time doing things that could get me killed, but never actually trying to die. I know that’s crazy…”**

**“No, it’s not,” she said sweetly, reaching over and touching her hand, “Nothing you do, or have done is crazy.”**

**She let out a laugh, “Wait till you hear it all.”**

**“You’re not, nor have you ever been crazy,” Christen stated clearly, “I may not know it all, but I am getting to know you pretty well and I know everything you have done is a result of what has happened to you. No reaction to trauma is crazy, it’s just a reaction, it’s just what happens. It may not be rational in the general sense of the term, and it may not be well thought out, but it’s not crazy. The reason you didn’t die is because deep down, you never wanted to die in the first place.”**

**The words hit her right in the chest, her heat pounding at the thought. She was right, there wasn’t a time when Tobin truly wanted to die, just a time when she would do almost anything to get rid of the hurt, take away the pain no matter the cost.**

**“I never wanted to die, I just wanted to be happy, or neutral, anything but hurt.” Her words were low almost in a whisper, admitting things she never had the courage to say out loud. “It’s hard, when you see things, do things… It’s just hard.”**

**“If you ever want to talk about it, tell me anything about anything all you have to do is say so.” She squeezed tight to her hand, “I’m here for you in any capacity that you need me, a friend, a doctor, whatever you need.”**

“Thanks doc,” Tobin said with a smile, “And guess what?”

“What’s that?”

She turned to her with a grin, “I’m here for you too.”

“Thanks Crunch,” she laughed.

“Oh, please do not start that up,” Tobin cried playfully, “If you start then Kelley will start and it will never stop.”

“I don’t know, I kinda like the nick name, it’s kinda cute on you,” she said happily. 

A smile came across her face, she tried to ignore that fact that Christen said something was cute on her, “Thank, but I’m begging you anything but that, please, Doc.”

“Okay, I’ll make you a deal,” she laughed at the struggling woman, “You call me Christen more than you call me Doc and I’ll call you Tobin.”

She looked over at her with a nod and a closed lip smile, “Deal, Chris.”

“Awesome…” she smiled to her, “Toby.”

 

—

 

They had parked just outside a large building made of brick, with lights on in each window. Tobin looked out at it, amazed at how big the clinic was. She had only been to Town 37 once and she didn’t remember the building being so grand. 

“Meg is my friend from med school,” Christen said excitedly as they walked towards the front door, “She’s really cool. I think you two will get along.”

“Great,” Tobin replied still in awe of the building. “I didn’t know you knew anyone in the north.”

Christen pushed opened the door to the clinic, “Just Meg. I knew she was up here, but I didn’t know how far away from 34 she was until now. We haven’t seen each other in a few years.”

“Oh, okay.” Tobin said happily looking around the great room, it reminding her of an old world hospital but in a smaller scale, still bigger than anything she had seen in a long time. 

Christen went up to the front desk and spoke to the nurse. Tobin watched her interaction, she was so sweet, soft spoken, but clearly getting her point across. She liked the way her eyes lit up, and the way she smiled. She had different smiles for every situation and Tobin liked every single one of them, especially the one she gave to Tobin when they talked, that one seemed to be all hers, and it was perfect. 

“Pressy,” a voice called out. A woman with bleach blonde hair came out the back room, “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Meg,” Christen said in a loud voice, higher than her normal voice. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” the other doctor said wrapping Christen in a hug. 

They held onto each other for a few seconds, clearly they were really good friends, maybe even the way Tobin and John were. 

“You look good,” Megan said as the hug broke, her hands still on Christen’s waist. 

She gave her a wave, “No way, I am so hung over, I’m sure I look horrible.”

“I don’t think you could ever look horrible,” she said with a sly look. “I’ve seen you hung over and you do not look it.”

“I got tricked into drinking moonshine last night,” Christen laughed. 

“Tricked by who?” She asked looking around. 

“Myself,” she replied with a giggle, “And I trick everyone else into participating.”

“Typical Pressy,” she shook her head, hands still on Christen’s waist, something Tobin had noticed. 

Christen turned to Tobin, motioning her to take a few step closer, “This is Tobin, she is the whole reason I’m here.”

“So you’re Tobin,” the doctor said looking her up and down, “Pressy radioed that she would have company coming up here. Glad you could drive her while she’s without a car.”

“Tobin is the whole reason I will even have a car, she’s building me one, that’s what we were doing in 38, getting parts.” Christen said in a proud tone. 

Megan raised her eyebrows at the statement, “A mechanic? Wow, I don’t think I could ever do that.”

“It’s not that difficult,” Tobin shrugged, starting to get the picture, who Meg was, and exactly who she thought she was. 

“Tobin, this is one of my best friends from med school, Megan Rapinoe.” Christen told her happily. 

“Nice to meet you,” Tobin said shoving her hands in her jacket pockets, suddenly a little uncomfortable on Christen’s side. She took a deep breath, and looked around, decided to try to make a little small talk in order to make it less awkward. “The clinic is a lot bigger now than a few years ago.”

Megan looked around the room with a sly grin, “Yeah, after I got here I thought it was better if we expanded, that way we could take in more patients. There are a lot of travelers up here, now we can help them when needed.”

“That’s amazing,” Christen said with wide eyes, “I didn’t know you did that.”

“It’s no big deal,” She said trying to sound humble, “I just want to help as many people as I can for as long as I can. I’m actually requesting another doctor to help me out up here. I honestly thought the UMC was sending you whenever you radioed me.”

“Me?” Christen shook her head, “No, I’m at 37, settling in nicely.”

“Well, if you ever wanted to come work up here, you would have a home…”  
“She has a home,” Tobin replied before she could think better of it. She looked over to Christen, pressing her lips together and knitting her eyebrows together as if she was trying to apologize for answering for her. 

The young doctor reached out and touched Tobin’s arm gently, “She’s right, I like my town, it’s small, but its good, and people need me there.”

Megan nodded, staring at Tobin for a minute before turning to Christen, “Well, the offer is always out there.” They all paused for a second, tension hanging in the air, “You want to come to the back for the medication?”

“Sure,” Christen replied. She turned to Tobin, “Do you mind waiting up front for a bit? I just want to ask some questions. Fifteen minutes tops.”

“Take your time,” she shrugged holding her arms close to her, “I’ll go chill out over there.”

 

Tobin walked over to the mini waiting roman sat down in one of the wooden chairs that lined the walls. She shoved her hands in her pockets and sunk down in the chair. What the hell was wrong with her? Clearly that Megan woman was hitting on Christen, but why did it bother her so much? Christen wasn’t her girlfriend, they weren’t even close to anything like that, yet the idea of someone flirting with her burned Tobin up inside, made her protective, but she had no right to be. 

It was almost like just the idea of possibly being with Christen instantly turned on her defenses, and she suddenly couldn’t control herself. There was something inside her that wanted to reach over and wrap her hands around Megans neck, scream for her to get away from Christen. She needed to chill out. Christen wasn’t hers, and there was a good possibility that she may never be. Doubt creeped in, and as quick as her light hope had come, it was starting to dim.

“That your girlfriend?” Someone asked. 

Tobin turned her head to see a young girl sitting in the chair across from her, she hadn’t noticed her before. She sat up a bit in the chair, “No, she’s my friend.”

“Looks like she’s your girlfriend,” the girl said, her face low, a book in her hand, clearly pretending to read while she watched the entire exchange at the front desk.

“Well, she’s not,” Tobin shrugged, feeling oddly defensive of the teenager, “We are just friends.”

She looked up from the book, “You’re awfully protective over just a friend.”

“What?” Tobin gasped, not liking the way she was being read by someone so young, “What would you know?”

“I know when someone is protective of someone, they most likely want them to be their boyfriend or girlfriend, so…”

“What are you like thirteen?” Tobin huffed, letting herself sink down I the chair.

“I’m sixteen,” she snarked back, “And I’m just saying.”

“You don’t know,” Tobin let her head fall back in the chair. Why was she arguing with a stranger, a teenage stranger? She picked her head up to see the girl looking over at her. “Who are you anyways?”

“Mallory, I’m The Docs ward,” she said simply. 

“Ward?”

She gave her a quick nod, “She takes care of me.”

“Where are your parents?” 

“Dead.” 

“That sucks,” Tobin said softening her gaze, “My parents are dead too.”

She nodded, “Is that why you’re bad at processing your emotions?” 

“No,” Tobin snapped back, a small smirk coming across her face from the boldness of the young girl, “Go psychoanalyze someone else.” She leaned her head back on the chair and closed her eyes. 

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Tobin stared down at her phone, the black screen with the word ‘calling…’ across it. This was the second time she had called, waiting for her wife to finally pick up and talk to her. After the fifth ring a face appeared on the screen, normally Tobin would be all smiles at the pair of hazel eyes, but today was different._

_“Hey babe,” Sofia said cheerfully, “Why are you calling so late, or early, I don’t know, time differences suck?” She laughed to herself, looking away from the phone for a split second, only to look back and give a huge smile. “What’s up, hun?”_

_A party was going on in the back, loud music and people singing and cheering. Sofia had pulled the phone as close to her face as she could, but Tobin could still the dancing in the background, and for some reason it was incredibly upsetting._

_“Can you go somewhere quiet?” She asked with a bite to her voice, her neck starting to get hot with anger._

_Sofia turned her head to the party, then back to the screen, “Yeah, give me a second.”_

_Tobin watched as she carried her phone around, people’s shoes moving on a hardwood floor, somewhere Tobin had never been. She waited, her patients wearing thin with the distorted music playing through the phone speakers. Finally Sofia was back on screen, the music a lot less loud but still playing._

_“What’s up baby?” Sofia asked in a loving tone._

_“I just need to talk to you,” Tobin stated, her voice heavy, “Where are you?”_

_“Office party,” she replied with a smile, “A couple people got promoted today, and honestly we needed a reason to have some fun, it’s been so crazy over here lately.”_

_“Crazy, over there, in Alaska?” Tobin huffed, sounding more irritated than she had originally intended, she swears she didn’t call to argue or get upset, but now she was. “How crazy can it really be?”_

_Sofia lowered her eyebrows, “Wo, I don’t know what’s going on right now, but you’re being an ass.”_

_“I’m sorry it’s not exactly all smiles and parties over here in Russia where life sucks.” Tobin snapped back, knowing she was digging herself into a hole, “It’s kind of hard to be so cheerful when you’re being shot at and mortared every couple of hours.”_

_“Tobin,” Sofia said in a tone that she knew would take her wife right out of her attitude. She waited a minute while Tobin’s back stiffened and her face turned from anger to worry. “I know you are in a bad place, I know that it’s not good over there, and I wish you were home with me more than you do, but it doesn’t mean you get to be a jerk, not to me, not now.”_

_She lowered her head, hearing the words, letting them sink in. She was being a jerk and she had a reason, not one that was Sofia’s fault, not one the justified her being this way, and it was time to drop it._

_“I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes started to well up, “Baby… They’re keeping me here.”_

_Sofia sat closer to the phone, “No they’re not. They can’t. How? Why? They can’t hold you there, you served your tour. You get to come home, two weeks and you get to come home.” Her voice was panicked and strained and filled with worry._

_“They said they are extending it, another three months.” She could feel the tears starting to roll down her cheeks, “Time of war, they can keep me over here as long as they want.”_

_“No, I won’t let this happen, Tobin it’s time for you to come home.” She replied trying to keep herself together, “I’ll talk to someone, figure something out.”_

_“There’s nothing you can do,” she shook her head, “This is just the way it is.”_

_“No…”_

_“Heath” someone yelled._

_Tobin looked up at the mention of her name, only to realize whoever was talking was calling for her wife. Tobin watched over the screen as a girl wrapped her arms around Sofia’s shoulders, kissing her on the cheek and laughing. She was pretty with smooth pale skin and long red hair. Whenever she glanced over at the phone Tobin could see her green eyes, glossed over with alcohol, but still pretty, and it made her jealous._

_“Come back to the party,” she slurred out, clearly more drunk than originally assessed, “We are about to cut the cake, we need you.”_

_“Give me a second,” Sofia replied quickly, sounding as irritated as Tobin felt. “It’s Tobin, we are talking about something important.”_

_The girl looked over at the phone, “Oh, hey the other Heath.”_

_“Yeah… hey,” she replied trying not to look like she was crying._

_“I’ll be out as soon as we are done,” Sofia stated, trying to urge to girl out, “Go cut the cake, I’ll have some later.”_

_“Okay, hurry,” she said happily planting another kiss on her cheek, “Bye Tobin.”_

_“Bye.” Tobin said in a harden voice._

_The door closed behind the girl and Sofia turned back to the phone, “Sorry babe, she can be a little much.”_

_“Who’s that?” Tobin asked in the same hard tone._

_Sofia knitted her eyebrows together, “Malone” She replied quickly, then realized Tobin wasn’t reacting the way she expect. “Sergeant Leah Malone, she’s a paralegal.”_

_“I’ve never met her.”_

_“She got here about two months ago,” she explained._

_“Why is she hanging all over you?” She could feel herself getting angry, knowing it was about the extension and not about the woman, Sofia would never do anything to hurt her._

_Sofia sat up straight, “She’s friendly, it’s no big deal.”_

_“Right,” Tobin scoffed, “Hey I gotta go.”_

_“What?” She gasped, “Are you kidding me?_

_Tobin wiped her face, “No, muster is in like ten minuets and I need to go.”_

_Sofia shifted in her seat, watching Tobin’s eyes die out, “Are you serious. You’re going to go now, after dropping that on me, you’re just going to go?”_

_“Not like I have a choice Sofia?” She snapped, saying her wife full name in a way she only did when she was pissed off. “I have to be at muster, you know this.”_

_“Fine whatever, I love you.” She said sharply._

_Tobin lowered her head, “Love you too.” She said as quick as she could before hanging up._

_She shoved the phone in her pocket, trying to push the thoughts from her head. She used the collar of her shirt to wipe her face again, dry the tears that had escaped. She grabbed her top and threw it on, starting to button it up._

_“Dude,” Kelley came into the room in a flash, “Just checking on you. How’d Sofia take the extension.”_

_“Pissed,” Tobin stated simply._

_“Emily too,” she said with a shrug, “Fucking Marines.”_

_“Fucking Marines.” Tobin repeated, not knowing what else to say, not like there was anything else to say. “Let’s get to muster.”_

_They walked side by side, out the building and towards the crowd of uniforms, all getting ready for the day._

_“Has EmO ever mentions a Sgt Malone?” Tobin asked, calling Kelley’s wife by the nickname she earned whenever she changed her last name to Kelley’s, everyone finding it a hilarious play on Kelley’s nickname KO._

_Kelley thought for a second, “Nope, why? Someone messing with Little Heath? Do we need to kick some ass? HAO and A-Rod are still on post, they’ll break someones legs in two seconds if we need.”_

_“No,” Tobin shook her head, toying with the cuff of her sleeve, “I’ve been over here too long, my minds all paranoid and shit. Don’t worry about it.”_

_“I can ask Em, if you want,” Kelley offered the way a friend would, “She can pry.”_

_“Nah, don’t worry about it. Sof, loves me, maybe not so much right now, since I was a royal ass hole a second ago…”_

_“That girl could never love you less.” Kelley tried to push her best friends doubts away._

_She flashed a smile, “Yeah, I hope.”_

_“I’ll tell Em to pry.” Kelley nodded._

_Tobin clapped her on the back, “You’re a good friend.”_

_“The best.”_

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Tobin.”

Tobin shot up from her chair, looking around in a panic, “Yeah? I’m good.”

“You sure,” Christen asked sweetly, “You look freaked out.”

“No,” she straightened her jacket, “I’m fine, squared away” she looked around, remembering where she had closed her eyes, where she was. “Sorry, weird dream.”

“Okay,” she replied knowing she wasn’t going to get anymore from the clearly shaken woman, “You ready to go?”

“Sure,” Tobin said trying to catch her breath. “You don’t need to stay longer? I can wait longer, if you need to.”

Christen touched her arm, “Thanks, but I got everything. Plus we need to get on the road before it’s too dark.”

“Right, okay.” Tobin nodded trying to smile. 

Megan came from around the front desk, “You need to come see me again, as soon as that car is done, you better drive up here.”

“I will, as soon as I can,” Christen said.

“Good, I don’t want to go another two years without seeing you, especially now that you are so close. You should come up for a few days next time, really get time to catch up.” She told her, not looking at Tobin, clearly only offering the stay to Christen. 

Christen nodded, pulling the woman in for a hug, “Yeah, next time, for sure.”

They pulled apart, and Tobin gave the woman a little wave, even though she didn’t want to make any sort of kind gesture towards her. 

“Bye Tobin, it was nice to meet you,” Megan said in a cold tone. 

“Yeah, nice to meet you too.” She replied matching the tone. 

 

—

 

They had been on the road for over two hours and Tobin was silent the whole way. She was rolling over her time in the clinic, the way Megan was talking to Christen, the way they hugged, but the thought that had her shaken the most was the teenagers words. Was she being overly protective over Christen? It wasn’t her place. Was it? The question wouldn’t leave her alone. Where did her place with Christen begin and most importantly where did it end? Was she allowed to be protective over her, they were friends, and that was okay. Or was it?

“You’re quiet,” Christen broke their silence. 

Tobin looked over at her, offering a half smile, “Yeah, sorry.”

“Are you okay?” She asked. 

“Yeah,” she answered not taking her eyes from the road. “I’m good.” 

“Squared away?” Christen repeated the military phrase.

Tobin lowed her eyebrows, “Yeah.” She paused for a second, trying to figure out how to talk, how to put things subtly, but words started to flow out of her. “That Dr. Rapinoe, she’s friendly.”

Christen let out a laugh, “Yeah, she’s my friend.”

“Yeah, right,” Tobin nodded, starting to chew on her thumbnail. “Are you going to visit her again? You know when the jeep is done.”

“I’m not sure,” she replied simply, “Maybe, if I can.”

“If you’re worried about the jeep, it’ll make it up there, no problem.” 

Christen shook her head, “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Then you should visit her,” She had no idea why she was saying that. “You know, when I’m done, you can road trip up there and stay for a few weeks, _’catch up’_.”

Now Christen understood. She had a feeling Tobin was uncomfortable with the whole exchange, and knowing Tobin, even for the few weeks that she did, she knew there was no way the stifled mechanic was going to be able to express her feelings, not in words, at least not in straight forward words that made sense. 

Christen leaned against the window, looking over at Tobin, matching her vague tone“I don’t really want to.”

Tobin was shocked by the answer. She turned to her for a second, Christen looking as casual as ever, “Why?”

“I don’t know, we are friends, but we aren’t ‘stay for a few weeks’ friends.” She giggled a bit at the phrasing. “Meagan wants something that I don’t.”

“What’s that?” She asked, frustrated by the vagueness of the conversation, even though she was the one who started down this path.

“We use to date,” Christen admitted, turning to see Tobin tense up, “We went out for like a month back in med school, I think it was exactly 28 days.” She laughed a little, lightly, trying to convey that she didn’t take it seriously. “I know she wants to start again, I’m not blind, or oblivious to her advances. It’s just not what I want. She’s not what I want.”

“Oh,” Tobin answered, going back to chewing on her thumb nail. She waited a few minuets, letting the question eat her up inside before blurting it out. “How come?”

“What?” She asked, making the woman ask directly, forcing Tobin to use her words.

“How come, she’s not what you want? I mean she seems solid, like a provider…”

“Being a care provider is not the same as being a provider,” Christen said with a small giggle but still sounding serious in a way, “Besides, Megan has always been… a lot.”

Tobin scoffed, “What does that even mean?”

“She’s everywhere, doing everything.” Christen explained, her hands waving in the air, “In med school she was so competitive, always needing to be number one, never letting anyone get ahead. And then during our internship she was always everywhere always trying to be the person everyone counted on, like her life was meaningless unless she was needed.” She sat up in her seat, “I mean even now, expanding the clinic, so she can ‘care for as many people for as long as she can’ how pretentious.” She turned in her seat and leaned against the window. “I mean good on her for helping people, but come on, you can’t just be a normal doctor like every other town doctor. The answer is no, she always has to be more.”

Tobin could feel herself relax, “And that’s not what you want? Someone always trying to be more?”

“I like people who know who they are,” she said simply, never looking away from Tobin. “Everyone should be striving to be a better version of themselves, but not in the way that you’re never settled, like you have no calm in your life.”

“You’re looking for calmness?” She asked looking over at her for a second. 

“Exactly,” She replied with a huge smile.

The conversation died out, Tobin retreating into her thoughts. Christen didn’t like the idea of someone who always needed to be needed, it unsettled Tobin. There was something inside her that needed to be needed, but not in a way that she craved a hospital full of people to be crying for her help. She liked to be needed in a simple way, an old-fashioned way that was hard to explain. 

Tobin like to be the one who could fix things. She liked being the bug killer, the person who takes out the trash, who turns on the heat to just the right temperature. She liked being the one called on her way home from work, to pick up something from the store. She liked having responsibilities, liked knowing what was expected of her, and she especially like knowing she had a secure spot in someones life. She enjoyed being a subject matter expert, but not the sole source. She liked being counted on to wake someone up in the morning, or warm them up during cold nights. She liked to lock the doors at night, secure the house, protect what was hers. 

Was there a difference in how she wanted to be needed and how Megan needed it? Would Christen be able to tell the difference? For the second time in the day, the light she had turned on last night, the light that was hope for her and Christen got dimmer.

 

—

 

The town was dark by the time they arrived at Christens house. Tobin pulled up the the front, turning off her brights and putting the truck in park. It was past midnight, and Christen had fallen asleep an hour ago. They spent the car ride talking about the world, and the future of the town, never falling back into the subject they had in the beginning of the car ride. Tobin never voicing the concerns she was starting to develop, leaving the conversation at polite and casual.

She reached over and touched Christen’s arm, a part of her not wanting to wake her up, she would have been content watching her sleep for the rest of the night. 

“Hey, wake up.” She said giving her a gentle shake. 

Christen squirmed a bit before opening her eyes and looking out the window, “Are we here already?”

“Yeah,” Tobin said in a whisper, “I can drive faster when you’re asleep, no distractions.”

“You like me distracting you,” she said with a yawn.

Tobin smirked, “Yeah, maybe.”

Stretching and letting out another yawn, Christen turned to her, “Thanks for the ride, and the help, and the jeep, and well everything.”

“Of course,” she said happily. “If you want to pay me back, you can always come up and help me with the jeep when you have free time.”

She nodded, “Count on it.”

As Christen reached for the door handle, Tobin wanted to say something. She wanted to reach over and pull her in for a hug, let her know that the last few days had been some of the best in her life, but her nerves got the better of her. 

“Good night, Chris.” She settled for. 

Christen turned to her with a determined look, “I’m going to say something to you, and I don’t want you to freak out.”

“What?” She asked lowered her eyebrows.  
“You have this thing you do where you keep things in your head, and I can almost see the thoughts moving around in there. You think a lot, and I know it’s the way you process things, you think about them forever, never saying them out loud. I can tell you torture yourself with thoughts sometimes and I want to tell you something, for your own good, and for mine.” She took a breath, looking up at Tobin with wide eyes, “I’m going to tell you something and I don’t want you to freak out, know that I am saying it to stop you from freaking out, not to add to it.”

Tobin straighten up in her seat, now officially worried about what was about to be said, “Okay.”

She took a deep breath, “I like you… romantically.” She looked up at Tobin waiting for a reaction, when she didn’t get one she continued, “I need you to know because I don’t want you to freak out, because I think you like me too, and I think if we don’t say it then you’ll wonder and you’ll work yourself up, and it’ll make you freak out and I don’t want that, so I’m telling you. I know I am taking a huge chance telling you, because you could freak out over it, but I think it’s worth it. And I need you to know that this doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it, not yet, not right now, and we can move as slow as you want, because I know you need time, and I have all the time in the world for you, and I am willing to move at a snails pace if that’s what you need. I just need to know, and I need you to know that this is a thing, this could be a thing, and this thing could go somewhere, if you want it. And I just noticed I haven’t given you a chance to speak. So…”

There was no running from this, not now. The idea, the thought, the question, it was out in the open, being answered, confronting her in the boldest of ways and there was no escape, and for some reason, she didn’t want to run. 

“I like you. This is a thing,” she said simply, “And it’s going somewhere. I want that.”

“You do?” She smiled, a sigh of relief escaping, “Good, because I want it to, I really do.”

“But,” Tobin took a breath, “The going slow thing, I need that, because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“Yeah, I get it.” She couldn’t help the huge smile she had plastered on her face, “We can go as slow as you need. I’m just happy that this is real, that I’m not insane.”

“You might be a little insane, for liking me,” Tobin joked, lowering her head nervously. “But this is real, and I am scared out of my mind.”

“Me too,” she admitted, “But we can do this together.”

“Together.” She replied. 

Without hesitation, they both leaned over pulling each other into a hug. Tobin let her face fall down into the crook of Christen’s neck, for the first time taking in the sweet scent of her skin, sending a warm feeling through her entire body. She could feel Christen pull closer, holding her tighter, and Tobin tighten her hold. They sat for a minute just holding each other, finally enjoying the feeling of being close.

This had been everything that she was panicking over, the thought that Christen could have feelings for her too. Here now, feeling the strong pull Christen had, her arms around her tight, Tobin could feel confident in the answer, that yes, Christen felt the same way she did. She thought about panicking, maybe letting go, getting out the car and running away. She thought about moving to a new town and never dealing with this, never confronting it, but in the end the ideas were silly, not because it was simply insane, but the idea of leaving Christen felt like one of the worst things she could possibly do. This whole thing, it was going to be good, not just for her, but for Christen. Tobin may be the one who needs to go slow, needs to figure out her entire life, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Christen needed that too, on a smaller scale, but she still needed it. Maybe they _could_ do it together. Maybe they could be beside each other as life finally untangled and the air finally cleared and Tobin could finally breathe.

She could breathe now, hugging Christen close for what seemed like an infinite amount of time, she could breathe and when she took another deep breath, letting the smell that she was cataloging as uniquely Christen, she let her head clear, let her mind settled, let the warm air fill her up and take away the worry and fear. She could breathe, and it was one of the best feelings she ever had. 

Finally the hug broke, and they leaned back, looking at each other, smiles on their faces. 

“Well, I should get some sleep,” Christen said, knowing Tobin would have no idea how to get out of this situation, “But I can come see you tomorrow when the clinic closes.”

“That would be great,” Tobin smiled. 

Christen reached for the door handle. “Can you please radio me when you get home, it’s dark and I worry about you.”

“You got it,” She nodded, happy to have someone worrying over her, “Good night Chris.”

“Night, Toby.”

Tobin watched as Christen headed up the stairs to her apartment, turning around to give a wave. She put the car in reverse and turned around heading to the dirt road that lead to her house. She could still feel Christen on her body, still feel her arms around her, still feel the warmth of her body. The cab of her truck smelled like Christen, and Tobin never wanted it to change. She let a smile come across her face, calmness take over her mind, leaning back in her seat, gripping the wheel loosely. 

There was a bump in the road, just a small one, no big deal, Tobin popped up in her seat a little as she went over it. As the car settled, she heard her keys jingle in the ignition. She looked down at the key ring, the jam nut that Sofia had given her all those years ago. Now, suddenly, her calmness was mixed with something else, maybe not 50/50, but mixed, and it was a bitter taste, guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. 
> 
> If something in this has triggered some tough thoughts and you want to get them out, you can leave a comment, or message me on Tumblr.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Christen talk in the garage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's early! It's a snow day!
> 
> Enjoy and ignore the typos.

There is a point in time during the winter when all the grass is covered in frost, the green only slightly visible under the soft blanket of white; the trees are bare having shaken off their leaves showing their soul; a point when the sky is dark most of the day and the wind is so chilling it makes you shiver at the slightest gust. This was the time Tobin enjoyed most in the year when the world was resetting. The animals went to hibernate; the ground was hard almost unbreakable; the people spent most of their time in doors; the world went into a state where it couldn’t be harmed, it was soothing.  
   
She sat outside on her porch, sipping a cup of coffee that would no doubt be cold in a few minutes, looking out onto her land, the place she called home, with the long dirt path that led from the gate to the stairs of the porch. She looked at the line of cars, the one at the end, the jeep she was about to start to build. There hadn’t been an object that brought her more joy, not in a long time. It was the first thing she was going to do for Christen, the woman she liked, that for some odd reason liked her back. It was the first chance to prove her worth in a way, she knew Christen didn’t see it that way, but Tobin did. It was a connection that they would share for a long time, it was the first time to show Christen that she could be this provider she was so desperately looking for.  
   
There was a time in her life when she wouldn’t have had to worry about something like that. In her early twenties Tobin was the very definition of a provider. She gave everything she had and more to her wife, to her friends, to her country and service. There was no doubt that if you needed something, Tobin Heath was the one to go to, she would get the job done, right and quickly. After the years, after the war, after the dark time the name Tobin Heath didn’t coexist with provider, it couldn’t, she couldn’t even be there for herself let alone other people. This was a chance for her to get it back, be a semblance of the person she used to be, and maybe she could be what Christen needed.  
   
“What are you doing out here?” Kelley came out the door, leaning against the side of the house, “It’s freezing.”  
   
Tobin had come into the house late last night, or early morning, she didn’t know the time. Kelley was half asleep on the couch, a screw driver in hand and a half finished beer on the table. Tobin didn’t want to wake her, something inside wanted to keep all the events of the past few days all to herself, even if it was just for a little while. Eventually, Kelley would ask, demand answers from her, and in the moment Tobin didn’t want to answer the question. She wanted to lay down in her bed and think about Christen, what they had talked about, what they agreed upon, and what the future may hold.  
   
She looked up at her friend, taking a deep breath, letting the cold air fill her lungs. “I like the cold,” she took a sip of her now only warm coffee, “You don’t have to be out here.”  
   
Kelley wrapped her jacket around her, shivering from the wind, “I wanted to ask you how the road trip went.”  
   
“Good,” she responded simply, knowing Kelley was going to pry into it further.  
   
“How good? Like you two are friends now, good? Or what, I need details.” She said anxiously.  
   
Tobin shook her head, cracking a smile, this was exactly what she expected. There wasn’t a single part of Tobin’s life that wasn’t shared with her best friend and there was no way the most important thing that happened in a long time was going to stay a secret. Tobin actually wanted to talk about it, share her happiness, maybe not dig into it, but at least say the words out loud. She and Christen liked each other and that was something to be happy about.

“We are friends, and it went good, we talked a lot.” Tobin held back, torturing her friend just a bit more.  
   
“That’s good,” Kelley shrugged, “What else?”  
   
“JB says hi,” Tobin chuckled, “He misses you.” She got up from her chair and headed inside, Kelley following behind her. “Christen is coming over later.” She added knowing her best friends reaction.  
   
“What?” Kelley jumped up, cupping her hands over her mouth, trying to contain the smile that appeared on her face, “Why, what’s going on? Is she coming to see you? Is she coming to see me?”  
   
“Why would she come to see you?” Tobin laughed.  
   
Kelley wiggled her eyebrows, “Maybe you two discovered that she likes me and wants to be more than my friend. I don’t know since you won’t share.”  
   
Tobin shook her head. She set her cup down in the sink and leaned against the counter, “Actually we decided that we like each other, and that we have a thing.”  
   
“WHAT?!” Kelley shouted, rushing over and grabbing Tobin by the shirt, “You two have a thing? Why are you holding back on me?”  
   
“Maybe because I didn’t want to be manhandled.” She chuckled, pushing her eager friend away, “Calm down, its early days, and we are going to take it really slow, but yeah, we have a thing, and she’s coming up here when she gets off work, so be on your best behavior.”  
   
“Oh my god, this is amazing,” Kelley held her hand to her chest, trying to wrap her head around that whole thing. She watched Tobin move around the room, a flow in her step that she hadn’t seen in a long time, she was gliding and Kelley could see, “Look at you, having a thing. I’m so proud of you.”  
   
“Thanks Kells,” Tobin laughed lightly, trying not to give away too much of her happiness, not yet. “I’m going outside to work.”  
   
“And wait on your girl,” she teased.  
   
Tobin called over her shoulder, “She’s not my girl.”  
   
“But she will be,” Kelley shouted, “Just you wait.”  
   
Tobin pulled her beanie down over her ears, not looking back at her best friend, not wanting to show the huge smile she had on her face. Kelley was right, Christen may not be her girl right now, but with some time, a lot of time, some effort, and a little elbow grease, she could be… she would be. If everything went right Christen Press could be her girl, and maybe even more than that, maybe she could be her life.  
   
The wind blew the moment she opened the door, letting the chill cover her body as she zipped up her heavy coat. The sun was barely poking through the clouds, a light fog had rolled in, and by all accounts it was a gloomy day. Tobin, however looked up at the sky, she saw the beauty of the day, her hands shoved deep in the pocket of her coat, she saw the world for what it was, and what it could be.  
   
   
\--

   
Kelley was sitting inside on the couch, she had found a computer almost fully intact while she was out looking for the capacitor to fix the heat at the clinic, and she got it in her head that she was going to fix it. There may not have been internet or anything, but computer games were still fun, and she could maybe start to type. For years the best way she knew how to get her words out was in written form. There was something about writing things down that soothed her soul. She use to spend hours sitting at her desk, typing away, getting all the thoughts out, and she needed that now.

There use to be an anger inside her, this fiery beast that would come out at random times. The anger she carried with her through everything she tried to do, it use to consume her, take away the joy that she had in her life. It was writing, just sitting down and typing out everything that she wanted to say, even if no one would ever read it, that’s what changed her, took the anger away, gave her an outlet she never had. Maybe, if she fixed this computer, maybe she could have that again, and other things.  
   
She had a USB she had sitting on the desk in her room. On it was emails, ones that she saved before the grid went down, before the internet crashed, before it all. They were messages she shared with Emily, ones that didn’t have much meaning at the time, just notes back and forth like high schoolers falling in love. Trivial statements about their days and how much they missed each other. For some reason Kelley had this feeling like she should save them, so she did, all on a USB that she would carry around with her, and with every new email she would save a copy. She wanted to read the letters again, the words of her wife, the things that got her through the war. It had been a long time since she sat down to remember Emily, and for some reason she felt like she needed to.  
   
She was tinkering with the circuits, trying to find the power source so she could at least see if it still worked when a knock came at the door.  
   
“Hold up,” she called out, setting the machine down. She walked over and opened the door, “Hey Doc, what’s up?”  
   
“Not much,” Christen answered in a chipper tone, “How are you?”  
   
Kelley gave a quick shrug, “Living, you know.”  
   
“That’s good,” she nodded, looking inside the cabin, she was there for a reason, and she didn’t see that reason. “Is Tobin here?”  
   
Kelley nodded her head towards the barn, “She’s out there, working on the jeep.”  
   
“Awesome,” the doctor smiled awkwardly, knowing Kelley had something to say, but waiting for her to speak, “Well, I’m going to head out there.”  
   
“Hey Doc,” she said in almost a whisper.  
   
This was what she was waiting on, “What’s up?”  
   
Kelley lowered her head, a nervous trait she shared with Tobin. “Don’t break her heart.”  
   
Christen gave a quick tight lip smile, “I won’t”

 

—

 

Tobin took the time to hook the big red truck up to the tow bar and pull it out the garage, and then pull the jeep frame into the shop. The giant doors were closed over and Tobin turned on the heat. It was time to start prepping the frame, getting the jeep ready, the plan being to get it ready for the winter. If Christen had a vehicle, maybe she could come up often, they could see each other in their free time. Tobin was more than happy to drive down into town, she was willing to do almost anything if it meant having a moment with Christen, but it was nice to think of someone coming to see her. 

She was on the ground under the truck looking up at the components, trying to formulate a plan. It was nice on the floor, something about looking up at the problem brought most things into perspective. The garage was warm, the heater only needing an hour to turn the whole place warm enough to take off her jacket. She crossed her arms on her chest, she was in a short sleeve shirt, having stripped off the top part of her coveralls, her arms already had a black streak from the dirt and grime on the vehicle, a mark of hard work she use to say. Her mind wandered to all the times she spent laying flat under a vehicle working through problems, sometimes with her friends next to her, talking about life as dirt fell into their mouths, and they would come out from under with speckles of dirt and dust all over them. This was a dirty job, but it was the best kind of dirty. 

She was almost ready to slide from under the jeep when she heard the hinges of the garage door creak. Looking on the ground she saw a pair of brown boots with dark blue jeans tucked into them. It wasn’t something Kelley would ever wear, and no one else would ever come into the garage, so it could only be one person. 

Tobin slid halfway from under the vehicle and looked up, there she was, as beautiful as ever, her long hair tied back in a loose braid, bright green eyes peering down at her, and a smile that made Tobin happy she was already on the ground. She took a second to drink her in, really get the picture of how amazing she was, questioning why someone so beautiful would ever be interested in the mess she was, but there was no time to question it fully with Christen looking down at her with one eyebrow cocked.

“Hey,” Tobin said in a low voice, getting up from the ground and wiping her hands off on the rag she had tucked in her back pocket. She walked over, a smile stretched across her face, her hands shaking a bit with each step.

Christen watched as the nervous woman approached her, “Hey you,” she said with a kind smile. 

“You’re here,” Tobin said with wide eyes, “I mean, I knew you were coming, I just didn’t know when, or…”

“Come here,” she interrupted her, holding out her arms. 

It took a second for Tobin to realize what was happening, nervously she closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around Christen and holding on tight. She could feel her hands shaking, as she pressed them into the tight muscles on her back, not sure how tight she should hold on, her body wanted to hold as tight as she could, pull Christen in as close as she could get her, never let go, but her mind took over and after a few seconds she let go, taking a step back and letting out a small laugh. 

“One day that will be less awkward,” Christen joked, reaching out and touching Tobin’s arm, knowing how nervous she was, “I see you’re working on the jeep already.”

“Yeah,” she turned towards the vehicle, happy to get out of the situation without having to talk about how awkward she was, “I moved the truck out this morning.”

“I don’t want you to stop working on your truck,” she said sweetly. 

Tobin waved her hand, “No, it was pissing me off honestly.” She put her hand down on the jeep, running it the length of the front fender, “It’ll be nice to work on something I know all the issues with.”

“As long as I’m not taking you from fixing something for yourself,” Christen said honestly. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Tobin chuckled, “One more day on that truck and I probably would have tossed it out the barn. There’s an electrical problem that I just can’t figure out. I need a break, I’ll get back to it later with fresh eyes.”

It was a true statement, she was getting upset with the truck, she had spent way more time on the one vehicle than anything else ever brought to her. It was nice to have a new big project, something she could fix without many issues. If she was being one hundred precent honest, even if she was close to fixing the truck, she would have stopped all work to build the jeep. She was willing to put everything aside to put together the thing she was building for Christen, she was willing to do anything to see her smile. 

Christen walked around the front of the jeep, staring down at the parts that Tobin had described but she couldn’t really remember all the names. Their talks weren’t really about the parts, or Christen learning how to fix cars, none of that mattered, but it was what Tobin was comfortable talking about and Christen would learn every single thing there was to know about fixing cars if it meant she could hear Tobin talk. Most of the information went in one ear and out the other, but the low soft tone of Tobin’s voice, the bright light in her eyes when she spoke, the smile on her face when she really got into it, that was worth everything, and all the time in the world. 

“So what’s the job?” Christen asked trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible.

Tobin watched her square up the vehicle, eyes wide, a little worried, “Nothing really, mostly just cleaning parts and taking things apart.” She turned around to her work bench and started moving some parts around, clearing a space, “Here, come sit, tell me about your day.”

“But I’m here to work,” she said with a serious face, “Put me to work.”

“You worked all day,” Tobin laughed. She wiped down the bench with her rag and tapped her hand on the clean spot, “Come sit, there’s not much to do today.”

Christen raised one eyebrow, “You sure?”

“Positive,” Tobin responded with a chuckle.

It didn’t take much else for the young doctor to go sit down on the work bench, legs dangling off as she watched Tobin work. There wasn’t much going on, she was taking something off the jeep, her hand wrapped tight around a wrench, the muscles in her arms flexing as she moved. The longer she watched the more she realized the whole ‘taking it slow’ thing was going to be a hard thing to do. 

“How was your day?” Tobin asked, looking behind her to the woman sitting on the bench. 

Christen snapped out of her trance with a smirk, “Good, mostly paperwork.”

“Ah, the best part about any job,” Tobin smirked, turning back to focus on the jeep. 

“Pretty much,” she answered, her eyes starting to wander around the barn, anything to take them away from the way Tobin’s back flexed under her shirt, “It can be a lot. Tiffany can take care of patients well enough, but all the paperwork is all me. Requisitions, inventory, charts, all the stuff I have to send into the UMC to get supplies, it’s the bane of my work life.”

Tobin nodded, “I remember all of that. I used to hate it, sitting at a desk typing up reports, parts request, forms and letters and all the stuff I didn’t care about. The worst thing to do to someone who works with their hands is to stick them in a chair and make them type up a ‘broken tool report.’ Who cares why or how it broke, it’s broken, just get me a new one.” She yanked the part out of the jeep, holding it up for Christen to see.

“Said with so much anger,” Christen giggled, “Maybe someone has some underlying issues with the system.”

“Maybe I’m just aggressive,” Tobin joked. 

She set the part down on the bench, taking a rag and starting to remove some of the dirt and grease just like she was taught. 

Christen watched as the entranced woman twisted the corner of the red rag and stuck the now skinny part into a crevasse of the part cleaning with detail. “What is that?”

Tobin looked up at her, almost forgetting that someone was there watching her, “Power steering pump,” she said simply, looking back down at the part. “It pumps all the fluid in the power steering system, it’s what assist you in turning the wheels. Without it, turning your wheels would be really hard. This looks like it’s in good shape.”

“Where do you keep all your knowledge?” Christen asked sweetly, 

“In a book,” Tobin joked, giving her a quick smile, “I just remember things, I like machines.” She set the part on the other side of the bench, and turned back to the jeep to figure out what to do next. 

Christen watched as she studied the jeep, rubbing her hand on the back of her neck, “I want to ask you about something John told me.”

Tobin could feel her stomach knot up, she had no idea what the two of them talked about while she was outside working. Every once in a while she would look up at them and they always seemed like they were in a good mood, but that didn’t mean they weren’t talking about things that maybe she didn’t want to discuss. John had told Christen about Sofia, about his leg, about some of her past that she had no idea how to talk about. 

She turned her head to her, trying to keep her cool, “What’s that?”

“You’re smart,” Christen smiled, “You have two degrees apparently. Engineering and Math.”

“Oh that,” she let out a breath of relief, “Yeah, I do, I guess. Does it really count if the place you got it from is gone?”

“Yes,” she answered happily, always amused how nonchalant Tobin could be, “I get the engineering one, but what about math.”

“What do you want to know?” She shrugged, locking her eyes on the next part she was going to take off. She turned to Christen, “Hand me that wrench please.”

Christen grabbed the tool off the table, “Why, I guess. What is it about math that made you want to study it?”

“Nothing,” she gave another quick shrug, reaching out and taking the tool from Christen’s hand, their fingers brushing against each other, sending a small chill up her arm and down her spine.

Christen’s back straighten at the contact, just the feel of Tobin’s skin against hers serving to cloud her mind. It took her a second to get back on track, wanting to know everything she could about the woman in front of her, “You’re an enigma Tobin Heath,” she chuckled lightly, “Why math, there has to be a reason.”

“I like math,” she answered simply, leaning over the front of the jeep to start the small job. “I guess, I like to solve problems, I like absolutes, math gives you that.”

“Absolutes?” Christen asked, her head cocking to the side, “What do you mean?”

Tobin sat up and looked over to her, thinking for a second, trying to find a way to explain something that she had never thought to explain. “There is only one right answer to math problems, an answer that if you follow directions and do everything in order, will always come out the same, absolutely, there’s no other answer. I like that.” She paused, waiting for an answer hoping she didn’t sound crazy.

“I get it,” Christen answered cheerfully, “I guess I’m kind of the opposite. I like there being multiple answers, and I like figuring out which one is most right.”

“You must hate math,” Tobin laughed. 

“Not a fan,” she said shaking her head, “But I get how it can be soothing.”

 

There was a long pause in the conversation, nothing uncomfortable, neither of them feeling the need to fill it. Tobin worked, leaned over the side, hands reaching as far as she could get them into the tight space, mind on the task in front of her, finding comfort in Christen’s presence. 

The silence gave Christen a chance to look around the barn, admire what Tobin and Kelley had built over the years. The ceiling was high, long wooden beams stretching from one in the the other. Half the barn was filled with car parts, on shelves, tools hanging on walls and hooks in various places, all looking like they had a specific place and they were all in that place. Tobin was a neat person, not so much that it freaked you out, just enough where things went where they went and no where else. The whole barn was the project of a careful mind, things grouped by category and set neatly, clearly dusted every once in a while to keep the place nice. Tobin had an eye for detail, clearly, all the wood in the barn the grains in the long boards of the walls matching throughout. How did such a careful mind become so clouded, scattered in a way that brought anxiety and sadness? What happened to this calm and collected woman that turned her into a nervous wrecked. 

The thought of Tobin when she was young and free intrigued Christen in a way that she never thought anyone could before. When Tobin was her age she was in the war, she had been in it for a while, and yet John had described the Tobin he knew as the life of the party. At twenty-four, battered and beaten by war, Tobin was still fun and energetic, yet here she was at twenty-eight, just four years later, a completely different person. Or was she? There had to be a connection to that young carefree Tobin, to the one that stood in front of her now. There was no finding her, no digging her out, no hunting her down and bringing her to light, the only way to find that Tobin, or the pieces that were leftover from the war was if Tobin let her see, showed her everything, opened up and let go. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Christen broke their silence. 

Tobin didn’t look over at her, she spoke loud and clear as she continued to work, “You know, you don’t have to ask if you can ask a question, you can just ask.”

“I just,” she paused, worried about her next words, trying to choose them carefully, “I don’t want to ask the wrong thing and…”

“I run away,” Tobin said standing up straight. She turned to see the concerned look on Christens face, “I’m sorry about that, I never meant to scare you, or hurt you, or anything like that.”

She nodded in response, her lips pressed together. “I don’t want to ask you something you’re not ready for. I’m so ready to get to know you that I have to hold back sometimes because I don’t want to scare you.”

“You don’t scare me,” Tobin answered quickly. She watched Christen’s eyebrow go up, the left one, the one that cocked in the air when she didn’t really believe what you were saying, when she knew you were covering, “Okay, so you scare me, but that’s okay. I’m ready for you to know me too. I promise, I won’t run from your questions, I will give you an answer, even if that answers not technically what you’re looking for, I will at least stay and try to face it.”

“You promise?” She asked with a concerned smile. 

Tobin nodded, “Yup,” she chuckled a bit, about to turn back to the job, before she added in, “Can we… Maybe, stay off that particular subject though, just for now?”

“I can do that,” she agreed, knowing there was no way Tobin was anywhere close to answering that question. 

She turned back to the jeep, looking over her shoulder for a second, “Then ask away.”

Christen perked up at the opportunity, part of her wanted to keep it light, ask the simple stuff, but on the other hand, she had real questions, things she needed to know about the woman in front of her, things that needed to be answered so she could know who Tobin was, and how in the world she was going to make all of this work, because she so desperately wanted all of this to work.

“What about your family,” She started, knowing it might be a tough question, “Do you still talk to them?”

Tobin paused for a second, her hands stopping on the greasy component, she thought about her family, about everything she had been through with them. If Christen wanted to ask about something that was hard to talk about, she picked one of the best subjects. In her mind she wanted to say that she didn’t want to talk about it, turn the question around, maybe ask about Christen’s family, but she had just promised to answer questions and something inside her knew this was a safe place, in the barn alone with the person she was starting to feel safe with. 

“No,” she answered the word sticking heavy in her throat. “My parents are dead.” She stood up and turned to look at Christen, feeling like this might be a conversation best had looking at each other, even if it was hard. “They died February 4th 2021.”

The date rang in Christen’s mind, she had heard it before, but where. She thought for a second, Tobin obviously waiting for her to respond. Then it clicked, the date, the time, the tragedy, “That’s the start of the New England Independence.”

Tobin grabbed the rag from her back pocket, her hands needing something to do while she spoke, “My family is from Jersey, I was born and raised there. I left for the military in 2018, I had just turned eighteen and I was ready to be a Marine, dragging Kelley along with me. My dad was a Marine, and he always talked about how much he loved it, the brotherhood, the family, the greatest times of his life, and I wanted that. I was popular in high school, but I only ever had one true friend, and I thought maybe I could have a lot more, I could have this family in the military. I thought I could have everything he talked about, so I joined, I signed up and I went off. I did have that, I had a family. I don’t think I would have survived that day if it wasn’t for my family in the Marines. 

‘I don’t know how it happened, how my parents became separatist, it wasn’t an over night thing, I don’t think, though I didn’t talk to them much after I joined, something I regret to this day. I went home on leave one day and there is was, the New England Independence flag waving form my childhood home. I freaked, I screamed at my dad, he was betraying the country he fought for, I was so angry with him. I left and never really looked back. February 4th… When the National Guard went in to settle the unrest in the Northeast, when they went to enforce the law, when they went to pull citizens out of their homes, they didn’t pull my mom and dad out… They fire bombed them. My childhood home, the place I learned how to walk, how to talk, how to be a good person, how to be happy, it was burned to the ground, that stupid flag and all.’

‘My little brother Jeff, he took up arms, he let his anger and hate fuel him. He joined the New England Militia and fought that people that killed our parents. He was in college, studying economics, he wasn’t a soldier, he didn’t know what he was doing and he had no business holding a gun. Six months later they shot him, he died in a make-shift hospital somewhere in New Hampshire, cold and scared and alone.”

Tobin started to walk around the jeep, her feet unable to keep still as she told one of the hardest stories out loud. It was the first time she had ever recounted the events of her life, the first time she told someone outside her squad about her family. 

“I went to his funeral, the Marines at least let me do that. I got to see his casket with that damn flag draped over it. I got to hear how he died with honor, how he was a fighter and a hero, but all I could hear was how my little brother died doing something he should have never had to do. My sisters begged me to get out of the military, they begged me to come home, but I couldn’t. There were things in motion, things that were already set that I couldn’t get out of, things out of my control that I had no choice in. They didn’t understand, they couldn’t, they wouldn’t. That was the last time I spoke to them. I don’t know where they are, if they’re okay, if they are even alive.”

Christen watched as Tobin fumbled with some tools on the work bench, picking them up and setting them down in the same place, like she was trying to find anything to keep herself from facing what she was saying. “I’m sorry Tobin.”

She gave a quick shrug, “It’s fine… It happens.”

“No,” Christen said quickly, getting down of the table and walked over to Tobin, her hands ready to reach out, “Loosing your parents and little brother to a war doesn’t just ‘happen.’ Your sisters not talking to you doesn’t ‘happen.’ These are things that happened to you, Tobin, and they are awful, and I am sorry that you had to go through that.”

Tobin could feel the pressure behind her eyes, she took a deep breath, thinking about running away, just leaving without another word, but something inside her told her to stand up straight, to turn and look at Christen, so she did, giving a weak smile as she did, unable to find words. 

“I’m going to hug you,” Christen said simply, looking at the pain on Tobin’s face. 

“You want to hug me?” She couldn’t help the airy laugh that escaped, she hadn’t heard anyone say that, no one had ever told her that they were going to hug her before. 

Christen took a step closer, bringing them just inches apart, “Yes, I am going to hug you, right now.”

Without hesitation she put her arms around Tobin’s shoulders bringing her in close. She held tight, waiting for Tobin to hold back. It was a long moment, her heart pounding in her chest, a quick rationalization that this was the right thing to do, when she felt it, Tobin’s arms going around her and holding on. 

Maybe it was the sweet smell of vanilla coming off her cotton t-shirt. Maybe it was the warmth of her skin. Maybe it was the feeling of her curly hair just tickling the side of her face. Maybe it was the feeling of her strong arms moving from her shoulders to her neck. Maybe it was the power and strength which she held on with. Whatever it was in the way Christen was holding her, Tobin finally gave it, let go, and held on tight. 

She buried her face in the soft skin of Christen’s neck, breathing her in as she did. A warm feeling washed over her, a sensation in the pit of her stomach that couldn’t be described. Tobin could feel herself hold on tighter, her arms pulling Christen in so close no air could pass between them. In that moment, suddenly, she felt the tears running down her cheeks, and relief washed over her like a wave on the sand, and as much as she wanted to be afraid, there was no fear, she was just… okay.

They held on to each other for a few minutes, Christen could feel the wet spot on her shoulder were Tobin had been silently crying, she didn’t say a word, there was no need, the hug said it all. 

When they pulled apart, Tobin quickly brought the collar of her shirt up to wipe away the spare tears that were still making their way out. She turned away from a minute letting out a defensive laugh.

Christen reached out and rested a hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly, “You don’t have to be strong with me.” She didn’t mean to say it, to force her own strength on the woman slowly breaking down, but for some reason it felt like it needed to be said. 

Tobin nodded, breathing in strong and heavy, trying to get rid of all the feelings she had bubbling up, “I know,” she responded with a quick smile. “I know.”

As much as Christen wanted to ask more questions about her past while Tobin was in the vulnerable state, the hard exterior slightly cracking showing that soft inside that Christen so desperately wanted to see, it was enough for now. 

“What are you doing for Halloween?” She asked changing the subject. 

Tobin wiped her face one last time before grinning, “I usually set up the hay bail maze, and then sit around in my truck and make sure none of the generators go out.”

“So you’re on call, kind of?” Christen asked cheerfully. 

“I guess I am,” she answered. 

“We should be on call together,” she cupped her hands close to her chest, flashing her best smile with wide hopeful eyes, “I have to be there to make sure no one gets hurt. So you can take care of the generators and I can take care of the people. We can sit around in your truck together, I’ll even buy you a hot chocolate.”

“Hot chocolate, how can I say no?” She chuckled. She knew exactly what Christen was doing and she was happy to have it, “I would love to be on call with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. As always if you want to talk hit me up on Tumblr.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Halloween Festival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for reading. 
> 
> Military Definitions:  
> R&R stands for Rest and Recuperation: It's a type of leave(vacation) you get whenever you come home for a deployment. Normally it's two weeks of nonchargeable leave, meaning it doesn't count against the 30days of leave you get a year, and it allows you to chill out and enjoy being home.

Simple, mindless tasks, the ones you don’t really have to think about, you can complete them perfectly while your mind wanders, those are the best kinds of task. Tobin pushed the headphones off her ears, resting them on the top of her head. She ran her hand over the smooth metal frame of the jeep. She had spent the last two hours with a metal grinder taking all the rust from the frame, cleaning it up in preparation to receive the new engine. She could feel the cold metal against her fingertips, the smell of a machine shop in the air, bringing her back to a time in her life when things were simple. If this was any other day, she would have spent most of the time thinking about her past, remembering all the times she use to spent on projects like this, but today was a special day; today was Halloween and she was going to spend most of it with Christen. 

She stood up from the stool, taking one last look at the almost finished project, then headed for her tool cabinet to put up her equipment. The excitement that coursed through her was indescribable, she had been waiting on this day for over a week. They had spent most of their nights together, Christen perched up on the work bench watching her work; Tobin happily listening to everything she had to say. It had become routine in a way that made Tobin physically tense up whenever she saw the sun starting to set, that meant Christen would be on her way; the minute she walked through the door all the tension would leave Tobin’s body and she would be instantly settled. Today was different, today Tobin was going to go see her, and there would be people, a bunch of people who could see them together, all the people that by now knew they had a thing and would be watching them. At first Tobin was freaked out, but the more she thought about it, the happier she was, after all Christen was amazing and Tobin was lucky she even turned her amazing green eyes on her, it would be nice to show that to the people that mattered to her.

 

Tobin walked into the cabin, stripping off her layers as the heat from the fire wrapped around her body. She kicked the bit of frost and dirt from her boots before taking them off and setting them by the door. "What's for breakfast?"

"I didn't know I was in charge of making you breakfast," Kelley answered with a slight smirk.

"You're not," Tobin shrugged. She walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, "But you're cooking, and it smells great."

"I know it smells great, and it'll taste great too," she turned to look at her friend, "When _I_ enjoy _my_ breakfast."

Tobin stood up and took the few steps to get right behind her friend, "Why are you testy lately?" She asked grabbing a piece of potato from the hot pan.

Kelley gave her hand a quick slap, but not before Tobin popped the food in her mouth and smiled, “I'm not testy, I'm normal. I think you're just overly happy."

"I didn't know I could be overly happy," Tobin chuckled, reaching around the other side to grab another chuck of potato.

"Get out of here scavenger," Kelley protested giving her friend a little shove, "Man, ever since you and the Doc started spending all this time together you've been all giggly and smily."

"My bad," Tobin put on her best scowl face, "I'll try my best to be miserable."

"At least pretend to be miserable," she laughed.

Tobin lowered her eyebrows and scrunched her nose, "Is this better?"

Kelley turned to see her face, "No," she said unable to keep herself from smiling, "I can still see hope and light in your eyes."

Instantly Tobin started to smile again, "Tell you what, you make me some potatoes while in shower and I promise to come out angry and disheartened.”

"Deal." She said with a wink.

 

Tobin headed off to the bathroom, closing the door and looking in the cracked mirror. Maybe she was overly happy, though she wasn't sure how she could ever be so happy that it was too much. Her sadness was too much at one point, but she contained it, maybe she should contain how she was feeling now. Christen was making things brighter, and it was strange, but wonderful all at the same time. She didn't want to contain this happiness, she wanted to express it, maybe not weirdly, and maybe not throw it around, but express it in a way that made the joy that she had inside her even better.

She stared at herself in the cloudy metal, her face a little blurry, but still sporting a smile. Yeah she was happy, and there wasn't anything or anyone who could stop it.

Kelley, on the other hand was a little off. She spent most her nights trying to piece together the computer she found, soldering circuits and cursing when it didn't turn on. The computer was a curse, the USB drive with emails from Emily sitting on her desk mocking her. She was obsessed the way Kelley could get sometimes, with an idea, a thought that plagued her mind in a way that worried Tobin. She wanted to read those emails, she was determined in a way that Tobin had never seen her. There was something in those emails, something she needed in order to move on, something she had to see. As much as Tobin wanted to smash the computer, get her best friends attention on anything else, Kelley needed it and so she would work and Tobin would continue to offer help.

 

\--

“When are you coming down to help me?” Tobin asked as she walked out the shower, a towel in her hands drying her long hair. 

“Help you?” Kelley questioned. She set two plates down on the counter handing her friend a fork, they would eat standing up like so many times before. “I didn’t know I was helping you.

Tobin shoveled a fork full of thick sliced fried potatoes, smiling at the salty goodness hit her all the right spots, warming her from the Indies, “This is good.” Her mouth was still full. She took a second to chew and swallow the food, “You said you’d help with the lights today.”

“The festival,” Kelley said letting her head drop, “I honestly forgot about it.”

“No,” Tobin said scooping more food into her mouth, “You don’t get to forget, I asked about this a week ago.”

“Tobin,” she sighed pushing the food around her plate like a defeated kid, “I’m trying to get this computer to work, I need to concentrate.”

Tobin looked over at the broken piece of machinery sitting on the coffee table. It had gone on far too long. Kelley was the type that needed to do things on her own, accomplish tasks not only so she could say she did it, but to feel a sense of completion and pride, however this project was taking it out of her, and the only reason she was doing it was to read the emails. 

“Why don’t you just ask Chris?” Tobin shrugged.

Kelley snorted, “The Doc is smart, but I’m not sure she’s qualified to fix a computer.”

Tobin shook her head, “She has a computer. I saw it in her office. You can ask her to use it, print off those emails.”

“How do you…”

“I know you,” Tobin interrupted knowing Kelley would try to deny her true purpose. “You can print them off so you can read them, then fixing that computer won’t be such a big deal and you can take your time with it.”

The idea had occurred to Kelley, but the thought of getting someone else involved in her pursuit of reading the last words of her dead wife seemed… strange. For the longest time she and Tobin took the world by storm, maybe not lately, but even now in this subdued storm and them against everyone else. There wasn’t a single time in her life that Kelley ever thought of involving someone other than Tobin in something so close to her. The thought of going to Christen, no matter how sweet she was, and asking for help, for this, it was too much, but the hopeful look in Tobin’s eyes, the hope that maybe Christen could help them both, it shut down all the skepticism Kelley had in her mind. 

“Fine,” she replied reluctantly, “But only to print the emails, nothing else.”

“What else would you need?” Tobin chuckled. 

 

—

 

The mornings were cold in the north, the sun was barely up in the sky and the clouds prevented most of the warm rays from reaching the ground making the gloomy place seem like a frozen tundra to someone who spent all of there life in places were beaches were open year round. Christen stood looking out the bay window in her office that overlooked the town square, she was wrapped in a thermal sweater with an undershirt and her white doctors coat on top. It was freezing, maybe not to the workers outside in their coats and boots barely looking like it’s chilly, but to her normally sun soaked skin, it was cold. She would brave it though, the chilly nights, the seeing her breath in the air, the frosted over grass, the freezing toilet seats in the morning; she would go through it all for her current view. 

Tobin was in the town square, in her light brown jacket, dark blue jeans, and brown work boots. She had been talking with one of the men from town, looking down at a sheet of paper and discussing how they were going to build the hay bale maze. The trucks were all driving giant rectangles of straw all wrapped with twine, setting them down in the town center, waiting for direction. Christen had been looking out the window for ten minutes, just watching her talk, stand there, looking so wonderful that it was impossible to take her eyes off her. 

“What are we looking at?” Tiffany asked, coming up behind Christen and looking out the window, “Oo, whose the brunette? She’s hunky?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Christen let out a light laugh, “She is pretty hunky, huh?”

“I mean, in those jeans, yeah, she’s something else,” she replied with some husk to her voice. 

Christen reached over and gave her friend a little shove “Hey, no oggoling my woman.” She said with a giggle.

“Can’t help it, she’s been so different,” Tiffany said with a serious tone, “Really, Chris, I mean you go up north for a couple of days and she comes back all smiles and laughs, what are you doing to her. I mean, I know what you’re _doing_ to her, but seriously.”

“Nothing, I swear,” she said holding her hands up in protest, “We aren’t even doing _that_ , We haven’t even kissed, we just talk, a lot, about everything.” She let her mind wander, “It’s pretty amazing.” 

“If that’s what just talking gets you, I can’t wait to see what she’s like when you guys do get to do _that_ ,” she giggled, watching Christen’s cheeks blush, “Honestly Chris, I don’t think I have ever seen Tobin like that, with an actual smile on her face. Whatever is happening between you two, it’s changing her.”

“I don’t think it’s changing her,” She said, looking out the window at Tobin, “I think she’s always been this person, she’s just been in a fog, asleep, maybe. I think she’s just… waking up.”

“Well keep waking her up,” she smiled over at her friend, “Tobin was always pretty amazing, but this Tobin, she’s…”  
“Magical,” Christen swooned.

“You got it bad,” Tiffany chuckled watching Christen looked starry eyed.

Christen shrugged, the smile never leaving her face, “I’m not ashamed.”

 

—

 

Tobin pulled her coat closed zipping it to the top. She was in the drivers seat of a ten ton tractor, pulling a giant cart with bales of hay. The maze build was fully underway. After a long discussion about how high to stack the bales, and landing on making it the same way they had all the years before, Tobin was ready to set up.  
This was one of her favorite times of the year, she enjoyed the cold, she enjoyed the work, and most of all she enjoyed the joy the Halloween festival brought to all the towns. This was one of three events that brought Town 32, 33 and 34 together in celebration. When Halloween came around the first time Tobin was skeptical about it all. She remembered Halloween for parties and drinking, not so much for festivals and families. She was asked to help with the maze the first year and reluctantly agreed. It was hard work, stacking bales anywhere from fifty to hundred pounds, her back ached, her arms were sore and she was covered in hay, but at the end of the night, watching all the children of the towns going through the maze, laughing and smiling, she knew it was all worth it, and volunteered each year to help. 

Two years ago she was brought a giant green and rust colored tractor and asked to restore it. It took months, but when she was done the thing purred like a kitten and did the work of fifty men, the maze was much easier to build. 

“Make sure you tie the twine tight,” she called down to the teenager that was securing the stacks already in place, “Kids like to run into the walls and you don’t want anything falling on them.”

He looked up at Tobin, tall in her big green tractor and nodded, “Got it.”

Tobin flashed him a quick smile. It was the first time the kid was helping out, all the other years he was too young to come out with his dad, it wasn’t the safest place with all the trucks rolling around trying to get everything in place. The town square was busy with people setting up booths with things to trade, food, and drinks and everything an old world festival would have. 

Maybe that’s why Tobin liked it so much, it reminded her of home, of all the pop up carnivals and bazars that would come to town. She would walk around with Kelley eating cotton candy, drinking the sugariest soda they could find, clutching tickets for rides and games. It was one of the only times they were aloud to go off on their own when they were young, just the two of them doing whatever they wanted. As they grew older, it became about looking cool, sunglasses even at night, backwards hats, shoes that weren’t comfortable to walk around in. They would stand in line trying to talk to girls before hopping on a rickety ride, not screaming of course because they were way too cool. 

The Halloween festival of the towns may not have had giant rides with shining lights and crazy music and teenage workers who looked like they didn’t know how to tie their shoes let alone supervise a ride with twenty people hanging in basket held on by old rusted chains. This little gathering was smaller, music was played, and there were a few old fashioned games like ring toss, but most of all it was about coming together, being with family and friends, having a nice time, letting the kids run loose in a simple hay bale maze, and that made Tobin smile.

 

—

 

Kelley opened the door the clinic, spinning as she walked into the door, waving at the guys, while shutting the door. She turned to see Tiffany looking at her with wide eyes. 

“Hello,” Kelley greeted with an all teeth smile. 

“What’s up Kel?” Tiffany laughed, as the woman stumbled up to the front desk. 

Kelley held up the USB she had in her pocket, “I need to see the Doc, she has a computer and I need something off of this.”

Tiffany looked to the back door, it was cracked, Christen had been in her office for an hour on the phone, “She’s on a call, maybe you can come back later.”

“I can’t,” Kelley said with a little whine, “You and I both know the festival starts in a few hours, which means the Doc will probably leave to shower and change so she can be perfect for Tobin, then those two will be all wrapped up in each other for the rest of the night, so I need to use the computer now while the doctor still has all her brain cells firmly in her brain.”

Tiffany couldn’t help but laugh, as ridiculous as her explanation was Kelley was right, “You can ask, but she’s on the phone, so be nice.”

Kelley gave a huge smile, “Aren’t I always nice?” She said as she moved closer to the office entrance. 

Before Tiffany had a chance to answer, a patient with a bleeding hand walked into the door. She pointed at the office door and mouthed the word ‘knock’ to Kelley before heading to the patient and directing him to one of the patient rooms. 

Kelley waved her off, and headed towards the door. She stood outside, her eyes looking through the crack, she may have been desperate to use the computer, but she wasn’t rude, she could at least wait until there was a lull in the conversation. She listened in to wait for her moment. 

“I don’t know,” Christen said, holding the satellite phone to her ear, “Because I haven’t figured it out.” She ran her hand through her hair, clearly frustrated with the person on the other end of the line. “It hasn’t been that long… Do you think you could do better… oh fuck you.”

Kelley shook her head at the language, the whole time she knew the doctor she had never heard her curse, it was almost like her vocabulary blocked out the bad words. Whomever she was on the phone with must have really been getting under her skin. 

“Their my reports, I’ll write them how I write them,” she huffed, sitting up in her chair, turning to her desk and writing something down on a piece of paper, “I’ll get them in… No… Yes… I can… give me more time…. It’s a delicate situation… sure… Yeah, okay, yup, bye.”

She slammed the phone down on the desk, putting her elbows on the hard top and burying her face in her hands. Kelley watched silently as the normally strong doctor went through what seemed like a mini break down. Christen rubbed her hands down her face, letting out a throating grunt, as she opened up the computer on the desk and started to type ferociously. 

It was strange to watch the woman who was holding it all together break down in this way, frustrated by a person on the other end of a phone call. Christen had been the embodiment of calm whenever Kelley saw her. The tough put together facade had broken, and Kelley was seeing the strong woman for who she was, and the thought accused to her, that maybe Christen was just as broken as she was. 

Kelley tucked the USB into her back pocket, turning away from the door and headed to the front door. Christen had a moment, a private one, that no one was supposed to see and Kelley didn’t want to tell her that she had witnessed her minor breakdown. The USB could wait, she would get another chance one that didn’t involve admitting that she saw something so personal. 

 

—

 

There was hay everywhere as Tobin walked into the cabin. The maze took a full five hours, and an argument with Zack about scale and how grids line up, but they were finished and the festival started in an hour. She kicked off her boots, laughing at the bits of broken hay that were stuck in the lining, all the long pieces she had in her jacket, she headed to the bathroom to take her second shower for the day. 

The second shower wasn’t that big of a deal, after all she wanted to look nice, smell nice for Christen. All the times in the garage, when they would talk, they would hug at the beginning and at the end of the visit, but they never really got too close. Tonight they would be sitting on the tailgate of her truck, it would be cold, and there was a good possibility Christen might want to sit close, maybe even close enough to touch her, smell her, and because of that the second shower was a must, and Tobin even broke out the good soap. 

Normally she had a corse soap that scrubbed off all the dirt she would accumulate throughout her day on the shop floor, it cleaned and sanitized and all that, but it kind of smelled like industrial cleaner and the sand in it didn’t help too much. There was no point in smelling good before, the only person that ever got close enough to smell her was Kelley when she was getting all up in Tobin’s face for no reason. Her shampoo was organic, made of soap nuts that Julie gave her and continued to trade her for filling up the generator at her and Zach’s house, but it didn’t smell very good. Julie offered to put a scent in it, but Tobin refused, it was an extra step that she didn’t need, her hair was shinny and full and that’s all that mattered. Tonight was different. 

She grabbed the glass jar that was sitting on top of the small makeshift bathroom cabinet. It was a soap that Kelley acquired moths ago, it was half gone, but it smelled nice. She held it up to the light in the room, looking at the flower pedals in the foggy liquid, popping the top she could smell the floral scent, something that wasn’t her at all, she didn’t enjoy smelling like flowers or berries or anything like that, clean was a good scent, but tonight she had to make an exception. 

The water was hot in a minute, steam coming off the stream as the water landed in the tub. Tobin stepped in, her wash cloth coated in the flowery liquid. This was a good thing. She hadn’t prepared for something like this in a long time. She hand’t care about herself in that way for a long time, scent didn’t matter, but it mattered now, and she could smell like flowers.

 

Tobin walked out the room, pulling on her shirt, the buttons needing to be ironed down after being in her trunk for so long. It was her only nice yet casual shirt, a dark blue button up that hung off her in a way that said ‘I’m not trying to hard’ even though she was trying… hard. 

“Fancy,” Kelley laughed, pointing at her friend coming out of her room looking worried, “You’re all dressed up for your date.”

“It’s not a date,” Tobin huffed, pulling on her shirt again, “Do you think this will fix itself with some time, you know like how shirts unwrinkle when you wear them for a while.”

A smile came across Kelley’s face, knowing how nervous Tobin was made her happy, this meant that all of this was real and Tobin was really trying. “I think you’ll be wearing a jacket so it won’t matter if your shirt is a little wrinkled.”

Tobin looked over at her coat, she was going to have to get the straw out of it, “You’re right.” She walked over to the coat hanger and started pulling pieces of straw from it, “And it’s not a date.”

“Really?” Kelley stood up from the coach, watching her friend pick individual straws of hay from her jacket, “Because, you’re wearing a button up, and those are nice jeans, and your hair is down, and you have on your glasses.”

“My glasses don’t indicate a date,” Tobin shook her head trying to get rid of the nervous energy she had built up, “It indicates that I can’t see, and I don’t want to struggle.”

“Right,” Kelley laughed, “You want to see her pretty face on your date.”

Tobin shook her head, Kelley was trying to get her worked up, “It’s not a date.”

“Shouldn’t it be?” She offered, not realizing that she was saying it. She watched Tobin’s eyebrow creep up, “I just mean, you guys have been hanging out for a while, and you are going somewhere together and doing activities, isn’t that a date?”

“No,” Tobin said firmly, “We’re taking it slow.”

“Going on a date doesn’t mean that things are going fast, it just means you’re going on a date.” Kelley protested kindly. 

“It’s not a date,” Tobin repeated, putting on her coat and zipping it up to the point where you couldn’t see the wrinkles in her shirt, “I’m going to go, I don’t want to be late.”

“Why worry about time? You know, if it’s not a date.” She smirked. 

Tobin lowered her eyebrows and shook her head, “I don’t like talking to you.” She opened the door.

“You love me,” Kelley called out happily. 

She turned back to her best friend, “Always, have a good time up here, alone.”

“Digging deep,” she held her hand to her heart, “Have fun with The Doc.”

“Thanks buddy.” She said with a smile. 

 

Tobin jumped in her truck and started the drive to the town center. This wasn’t a date, not a real one, right? It couldn’t be a date, there was no way. Dates are established things, it’s two people agreeing to spend an allotted amount of time together. If this was a date then Christen would have said, “this is a date” but she didn’t, no one did, so it couldn’t be a date. They were both ‘on call,’ Christen as the doctor and Tobin was the mechanic, so this wasn’t a date, it was a work event and two people, who had a thing, were hanging out at a work event. Not a date at all. 

The nerves started to build inside her, suddenly she was sweating, and her breath was rapid. She rolled down the window, slowing her speed, letting the air hit her face and buying some time. This couldn’t be a date, they were taking things slow, and dates weren’t slow. Dates lead to kissing, and kissing lead to other things. There was no way Tobin was ready to kiss anyone tonight, even though kissing Christen did sound nice. Kissing Christen sounded amazing actually, she had nice lips, they looked pillowy and she was probably a great kisser, but that was besides the point. Tobin didn’t want to kiss her, not yet, she hadn’t kissed anyone in years. Oh god, she was so out of practice. How the hell do you even kiss? What do you do with your hands? What do you do with your mouth? She wasn’t ready for all that, not yet.

The idea rolled around in her head, burrowing deep, forming it own little space, a house clouded in anxiety and confusion and the sincere hope that she wasn’t going to kiss Christen. Was it ridiculous, not wanting to kiss the woman she liked? It wasn’t that kissing her was a bad thing, it was the whole being grossly unprepared for the whole thing. Kissing was something that needed to be established ahead of time, something agreed upon, silently or out loud, it was going to happen at some point in the hanging out. Or maybe it had been and somehow Tobin had missed the cues. Maybe the hugging lead to kissing, they way her mom explained to her when she was ten and trying to figure out how to navigate having a crush. Maybe this was a date and she was expected to kiss Christen at the end. 

Was this a good time? Was this the type of event that lead to kissing? It was a family event, a festival with children and all that. This wasn’t the type of thing you had a first kiss at. Besides, was Halloween even a kissing holiday? Back in the day maybe. In her teen years all she wanted to do was kiss a girl, when she was in her twenties Halloween was an excuse for girls to dress sexy and of course she wanted to kiss all them. So maybe this was a kissing holiday, a celebration of seven minutes in heaven, of spin the bottle, of tequila body shots off a sexy nurse… or doctor. There wouldn’t be tequila at the festival, their wouldn’t be a sexy anything crazy, just kids in costumes and parents watching them have a good time, so maybe this wasn’t the time to kiss, maybe all the pressure of her youth didn’t need to carry over to this one event, maybe they could just talk and have a nice time. 

As she pulled into the town square, parking her truck on the outskirts of the festival, close enough to see all the action, but far enough away from the noise to still have a conversation. She gripped the steering wheel, staring up into the rearview mirror, remembering that last great Halloween she had.

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Returning home after being gone for a long period of time is one of the hardest things to do. Overseas Tobin had a life, a routine, things she did alone and with the people she was stationed with, people she now considered her family. There were times when she ate, times when she showered, times when she laid in bed and watched shows, all her free time was her’s to decided what to do. There was no one to tell her to get out of bed, no one to make her eat, no one to control how loud her music was, no one that told her what to do and how to do it._

_Stateside, Sofia had a life, she had the apartment set up, Tobin’s things neatly put away in all the right places, things all her own in places she liked. She had friends, some Tobin didn’t know; she had a routine, things she did with the people that helped her survive the time away from Tobin. It had been two days since her return, most of the time spent in the bed in various stages of nakedness, and Tobin was starting to sober up from her love high. It was time for them to try and merge their lives, all these habits they now had, they had to try to put them together, make two very separate people one again._

_Tobin looked in the mirror, she had on her costume for the Halloween party Sofia was insisted she attend. If it was up to Tobin, she would still be in bed binge watching Netflix and eating ice cream that didn’t have freezer burn, waiting patiently for the next opportunity to get her wife in the final stage of being naked. If she had a choice, she would spend the whole two weeks of R &R in bed, ordering her favorite foods, drinking beer that she had been deprived of, and making love to the woman she couldn’t get enough of. But she didn’t have much of a choice, not when Sofia poked out her bottom lip and gave her the saddest hazel eyes in the world, there wasn’t anything she could do but give in when she was asked to go to a party. _

 

_She was standing in the bathroom, one completely foreign to her, with make up on both sides of the counter, hair products in every corner, and her one neatly packed toiletry bag next to the sink, the bathroom wasn’t quite hers yet. She leaned forward against the counter trying to get close to the mirror so she could use the black marker to paint her nose in her wolf costume. Sofia picked out a surprisingly comfortable wolf onesie in various grey shades and a white belly, she gave it to Tobin with no choice in the matter, not that she minded, the costume was fluffy and baggy and had pockets and that’s all she really needed. So there she was painting her nose black, while waiting on her best friend to pick her up and take her to the party. Sofia had gone ahead to help her friend set up, letting Tobin sleep for an extra two hours in the softest bed she had ever been in, under blankets that didn’t smell like smoke and diesel, in a room painted a shade of blue that was much more pleasing than the cement walls she was use to._

_A knock came at the door, Tobin reached over and open the door to see Kelley happily standing in her onesie. “Are you a raccoon?”_

_“Yeah!” She held up her hands that had paw covers, her face in the biggest smile._

_Tobin shook her head, laughing at the happy girl, “Why would you pick a raccoon?”_

_“I like raccoons,” she responded letting her hands drop at Tobin’s laughing._

_“You’re a trash panda,” Tobin chuckled._

_“ **You’re a trash panda,** ” Kelley quipped back, pulling her hood down to hide her eyes, “You know I don’t have to drive you tonight?”_

_“No, no,” Tobin said trying to stop her laughter, “I think you look like a nice trash panda.” She told her as she grabbed her wallet and phone from the bathroom counter, “Let’s go meet our wives.”_

_“You don’t get to call me trash panda anymore,” Kelley said firmly as she followed Tobin down the steps of the apartment._

_Tobin shook her head, “I can’t promise that, not after a couple of shots.”_

 

_Before they got a block away from the house the music was starting to fill the car. Apparently this wasn’t going to be a small gathering of friends as Sofia had suggested. The closer they got to the house the more Tobin realized this was a legit party, with what looked like at least one hundred people, and she was somehow suppose to find Sofia in all that. As they parked on the side of the road, Tobin took out her phone and texted._

_**Tobin:** Outside._  
_**Sofia:** Inside._  
_**Tobin:** Thanks babe! Where exactly inside?_  
_**Sofia:** ;) In the kitchen, just come in and walk straight. _  
_**Tobin:** Awesome._

_A little frustrated, and nervous to be around so many people, Kelley and Tobin walked side by side up the long driveway to the huge house. They did a quick size up of the house while standing outside the door, and made a silent vow to keep track of each other once inside. Tobin grabbed the door handle and turned it, the second the door open the party assaulted all their senses._

_The music was blaring, speakers set up in all the corners, a DJ at the front of the living room happily mixing dance music with heavy bass tracks. The bass boom in their chest, their hearts pounding with every upbeat. The smell of sweat and alcohol came heavy mixed with the chemical smell of fake fog and the unscented candles that burned around the home. The place was warm for it being winter, all the bodies producing enough heat to keep the room a little above comfortable. As they step inside, they could feel the fake fog on their skin where to onesies didn’t cover. Suddenly, they were not in the desert anymore, they were no longer in the satay and comfort of their homes, they were at a party, and Tobin needed to adjust to that fact._

_“We should find the girls,” Tobin shouted, leaning over getting as close to her best friend as she could, “Sof said to just walk straight.”_

_Kelley stopped in her tracks, grabbing Tobin’s arm as tight as she could pulling her friend in, “We have to be cool, you know, for them.”_

_It was obvious from the wild look in the usually bubbly girls eyes that Kelley was feeling the same way Tobin was, this wasn’t something they wanted to do and anxiety was building. The loud noise was uncomfortable, the close proximity to all the strangers was nerve racking, the idea of staying was horrifying, but this was the first event since they got back, it was something their wives had been planning for weeks, and they had to get over how every nerve in their bodies was standing on end, they had to push through, for them._

_“We got this,” Tobin smiled, trying to put on a brave front, “Let’s just find the girls, get a drink, mellow out and it’ll be okay.”_

_“Yeah, okay, you’re right,” Kelley said in a shaky voice almost too low for Tobin to hear. “We got this.”_

_“Damn straight,” Tobin cheered, knowingly trying to pump herself up, “Come on, they’re in the kitchen.”_

_They walked forward, pushing through the crowd until the saw an open kitchen with a bunch of people standing around. Sofia was standing with her back to the entrance, Tobin knew it was her, by the way she was waving her hands around as she spoke, and the bright red hood she was wearing. With all the confidence in the world, she walked up behind her wife and wrapped her arms around her waist._

_“Roar!” Tobin shouted, pressing her face into her neck._

_Sofia spun around to throw her arms around Tobin’s neck pulling her in close, “Hey Big Bad, I thought you’d never make it.” She broke the tight embrace just enough to lean back and plant a kiss right on Tobin’s lips._

_With Sofia hanging on her, with their lips pressed together, the feeling of anxiety subsided, and all of a sudden she felt like herself again. She kissed Sofia harder trying her best to soak up all the courage she was being offered._

_“I missed you,” Tobin smiled as the kiss broke._

_Sofia looked into her eyes, “I missed you too.”_

_“Sorry it took so long, Trash Panda is a slow driver,” she pointed over to Kelley who had already found her spot behind Emily, dressed in a bright yellow vest and a green hat with the cities sanitation company logo._

_“Hey! I’m not a trash panda, I’m a raccoon,” Kelley cried._

_Emily turned her upper body to plant a kiss on Kelleys cheek, “You’re a very cute raccoon.”_

_“Thanks babe,” Kelley smiled, wrapping her arms tighter around her. “And you’re a cute garbage lady.”_

_“Sanitation worker,” Emily corrected with a playful smile._

_Kelley kissed her cheek, “My bad, babe.”_

_“I think you’re a cute raccoon too Kels,” Sofia sang as she turned to the counter and started pouring shots, “Now take this shot, and let’s get this party started._

_Typical of all the parties they had ever been too, soon they were all several shots in and Tobin was dragged on to the dance floor. She liked dancing, she was pretty good at it, she liked to move to the music, but the best part of dancing was Sofia and they way she moved. It was the third song, when Tobin could feel her wife pushing her ass against her front, more than what the song called for. She was grabbing Tobin’s hands and running them up her sides, letting Tobin just graze all the parts she wanted so desperately to touch. By the fifth song Tobin was hot in all the right places, and had her hands going under the hem of Sofia’s white button up shirt, brushing against the top of her skirt, desperately fighting the urge to go any lower._

_Sofia turned around to face Tobin, her hips still swaying, her body pressed as close as it could get. Her eyes low and filled with a fire and Tobin knew exactly what it meant. Sofia leaned forward kissing along Tobin’s jaw until she got to her earlobe which she took between her teeth and pulled, sending a chill up Tobin’s spine and back down to her core._

_“Take me upstairs,” Sofia whisper shouted in her ear._

_No other command needed, Tobin grabbed her hand and started to pull her towards the stairs. They knocked on three doors, getting angry ‘occupied’ shouted at them, before the settle for a bathroom._

_The light was low, but Tobin didn’t need a light, if there was one body she knew better than her own, it was the woman slamming her up against the door. Sofia pushed into her, crashing their lips together so fast Tobin had to struggle to find the lock on the door. As soon as she heard the lock click, she slid her hands down Sofia’s back grabbing her ass and lifting her up in the air, long firm legs instantly wrapping around Tobin’s middle balancing perfectly, remembering exactly what to do and how to do it._

_Tobin set her down gently on the counter top, their mouths still locked together. She reached for the tie on the read cloak, letting the long garment fall off Sofia’s shoulders, leaving her in the white button up shirt and a black pleaded skirt that if Tobin was honest with herself, she had been thinking about taking off since the second they got on the dance floor. She let her hands land on the top of Sofia’s thighs, her fingertips remembering how soft her skin was. She pushed up further, letting the skirt ride up; Tobin looked down seeing the pair of black lace panties Sofia was wearing, she couldn’t help the low grunt that came from deep in her throat._

_She was ready to push her hands up further, when she felt two fingers under her chin pushing her face up, forcing her to look at the pair of hazel eyes in front of her. Even in the low light Tobin could see the look of desperation in her eyes, the look of needing, of wanting, and a little bit more that she couldn’t make out._

_“Do you love me?” Sofia’s voice came out softer than Tobin had ever heard it before._

_The visceral side of her, the one that wanted to rip off every piece of clothing on her wife’s body, the one that only wanted one thing, it fell away giving way to the passionate side of her, the one that was so madly in love it hurt._

_Tobin gave a soft smile, one that said more than words, that said ‘of course’ that said ‘how could I not’ that said ‘i love you more than I love anything and anyone in this whole world,’ a smile that read, ‘you’re my world, you’re my everything, you’re my home.’_

_She reached up, cupping Sofia’s face gently, knowing she was looking for a verbal answer, “Now and forever, without fail, without wavering, without fear.”_

_A quick smile came on Sofia’s face, “Just checking,” she let out a little laugh then leaned forward trying to resume their activities._

_“Wait,” Tobin chuckled leaning back to avoid the kiss, “Do you love me?”_

_Sofia looked into the now dark brown eyes, a smile coming across her face, the same smile Tobin had, the same smile that said a thousand words. “Now and forever, with all of me, everything I am and everything I will be.”_

_Tobin leaned in and kissed her, not rushed, not filled with want, a kiss that sealed their new union, that let both of them know that they were ready to merge their lives once again. Tobin kissed across her jaw and stopped to whisper in her ear, “Just checking.”_

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Her mind started to calm remembering one of the last great memories she had with Sofia, remembering the good old days for what they truly were, Good. It was one of the memories she held onto late at night when she wanted to remember things how they were, when she wanted to remember Sofia and feel calm, and the memory did it’s job, relaxing her enough to get out the truck and prepare for Christen to arrive.

She walked to the back of the truck and let down the tale gate grabbing the blanket she had stored in the back tool box. Her truck was comfortable enough to sit on, but the blanket would add some padding making the four hour event so much better. She looked down at her shirt, some of the wrinkles had fixed themselves on the drive, the rest hidden under her coat. She was ready, she could do this. Propped up on the truck she waited, looking around at all the happy people, finally seeing the one she really wanted to see. 

Christen came walking up, a loving smile on her face and two paper cups in her hands. “Hot chocolate, as promised” she said pushing one hand out to Tobin. 

“Th-thank you,” Tobin said almost stumbling over the simple words. She couldn’t get enough of Christen in her light blue jeans, black leather coat tied at the waist, and thing light grey scarf tied neatly around her neck. It was a simple look, one made for comfort, but Tobin couldn’t take her eyes off her, with her hair curly around her face the green in her eyes contrasting against her light brown skin, every piece of her looking more perfect as seconds ticked by. 

“You’re wearing glasses,” Christen stated simply. 

She shook her head trying to focus, “Yeah, I got surgery when I was in the military, but I still need them when I get tired.”

“Are you tired now, you can go home and sleep if you want,” she replied with a concerned look. 

“Not a chance,” Tobin smiled. She patted her hand on the blanket next to her, “Come sit.”

Happily Christen hopped over to the truck and sat down, close enough for their legs to touch. She noticed the way Tobin’s spine went perfectly straight at the contact, and smiled at the simple involuntary act. She watched as Tobin took a sip of the hot chocolate, clearly burning her mouth before Christen had the chance to tell her to wait, but of course, ever tough Tobin shook it off without saying a word, instead she looked over with a tight lipped smile that made the corners of her eyes crinkle and made Christen’s heart beat faster. 

“How was your day?” Tobin asked. 

“Good,” she replied blowing on hot chocolate, “Not a lot of patients today, so I got to catch up on paperwork, which sucked, but it was nice to get it done. How was yours?”

“Hard,” Tobin laughed, looking out at the festival, “It took forever to do the maze, but it was worth it.” She pointed at a little kid coming out the exit laughing loudly as his father scooped him up in a hug, “Look how happy they are.”

“You did good work,” she replied, leaning over and bumping Tobin’s shoulder. 

The chills amplified by a thousand as Christen leaned into her, Tobin could feel every inch of her body in contact with the woman next to her. The idea of a date popped back in her head, maybe this was a date, it was nice enough. Sure they were sitting the back of a pick up truck, but they had a blanket, they were drinking hot chocolate, and the soft music playing at the festival sure made it feel like a date. Maybe they would have to kiss at the end. She could walk Christen up to her apartment and they could kiss outside the door and Tobin could say good night and that could be that. This could be a date. Or it wasn’t. 

Christen placed a hand on Tobin’s forearm, “Are you okay?” She had been silent for a bit and her eyes were doing the darting back and forth thing they did when she was trying to figure something out. 

She wanted to say yes, she wanted to just go with the flow, just let it be a date if that’s what it was, but what if it wasn’t and she was making a fool out of herself. Christen would never laugh at her, never make fun of her, never doing anything mean, but the horror of thinking it’s a date when it’s not was officially the worse thing she could think of and without thinking she shouted. 

“Is this a date?”

A wave of calm came over the young doctor, Tobin was freaking out, but it was an easy fix, “Do you want this to be a date?”

“No,” she said quickly, instantly in defensive mode. She took a deep breath, “Maybe.”

“Honestly, I wasn’t planning on this being a date, but it can be, if you want.” She said as if it was the simplest answer in the world. 

Nervously, Tobin tapped her fingers on the blanket, “I don’t want it to be.” She decided in that second, “I want to take you on a real date, like dinner and all that.” She looked up for approval meeting kind eyes and a soft smile. “So, let’s say this is not a date, and set a time for a real one.”

“Sounds good to me,” Christen sang, “When do you want to go on this real date?”

Tobin thought for a second. Tomorrow was too soon, even though it would be great because she wouldn’t have time to freak herself out. It was Wednesday now, and Saturday seemed to late, there was way too many hours between then and now for her to somehow talk herself out of if. 

“Friday,” she answered, “If that’s okay.”

“That sounds great,” she looked around and chuckled, “Where do you want to go.”

She laughed out loud, “Yeah, there’s no restaurants here, huh? I would say my place, but Kelley will be there and she’ll want to be a part of it, so…”

“My place it is,” Christen interrupted her before she started to rant, “I’ll cook dinner, you bring the wine.”

“Can do,” Tobin smiled, she took a sip of her drink, now considerably cooler. The idea that had been plaguing her popped back in her head, and there was an instinct to freak out, but with Christen leaning against her, she had a better idea, she decided to talk. “I’m going to kiss you.”

“Right now?” Christen popped up. 

“No,” she chuckled, “On the date, I’m going to kiss you.”

She smiled, “Okay.”

“I wanted you to know so you can prepare or whatever,” Tobin rushed out. “I haven’t kissed anyone in… well, a while and I wanted to let you know in case your in the same situation and you want time to get ready.”

Knowing Tobin wasn’t the type to talk about things like this there was no real response, no long discussion that needed to happen, so she settled on “Thank you for letting me know.” 

Christen sat up just enough to sneak her arm in-between Tobin’s arm that was tight against her body, as the nervous girl finally relaxed Christen leaned her head over on Tobin’s shoulder smiling to herself as they watched the festival together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone. This chapter is a little personal for me with Tobin coming home and seeing her apartment and feeling a little off about it. I don't think people get to see that too often, mostly they see 'coming home videos' and the initial excitement of getting back home, but they don't get to see the weeks, sometimes months, of work it takes to bring a relationship back to normal. My wife and I struggled a bit with it when I was gone for a year, it was odd basically getting to know my wife again, and her getting to know this new version of me that I had to become while I was gone. We worked it out and everything is A-ok, but for some couples it can be a breaking point, it's something they warn you about before you leave, but it's not something you really believe until you're trying to sleep next to someone after sleeping alone for a long time. We got lucky, but if you know someone returning home, keep and eye on them as they adjust back to normal life.
> 
> Thanks!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day leading up to the date, and the date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thanks for reading and for all the great comments. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> In this chapter they talk a little about mental health, and a brief, emphasis on brief, depiction of violence. I didn't bold it out because it's really short and not really violent, but it is in there and worth mentioning for those who might be triggered.
> 
>  
> 
> Military Terms:  
> Bag Drag: When you deploy you have a list of items that must be in your duffle bag. You go to a "Bag Drag" for someone to check your bag making sure you have all the items.
> 
> Battle Rattle: Is the protective gear we were, so helmet, flak vest (bullet proof vest), and usually a web belt and canteen. We call it battle rattle because you only wear it when your deployed (battle) and it makes a bunch of noise and is super uncomfortable (rattle).
> 
> Rip Its: Is an energy drink you get when you are deployed, it’s like Monster, and it’s gross, but you gotta do what you gotta do. 
> 
> HMMWV (Humvee): High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle is a military style hummer. 
> 
> Mechanical Term:  
> Cherry Picker: is a machine, or hand operated device used to take out an engine/drivetrain. It has a long arm and chains and works off some kind of physics to hold up heavy objects when you don’t have a crane.

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Tobin rushed up the stairs, her boots hitting hard against the wood steps, her hand gripping tight to the railing as she took two steps at a time, going as fast as she could, but not fast enough to escape the rage that was following her through the house. Her wife yelling up the stairs trying to stop her from running away from their problem._  
   
 _“Get back down here,” she called up the stairs, her normally cheerful voice filled with pain and grit, “Tobin, we need to talk about this.”_  
   
 _That wasn’t something Tobin could do, not right now, not when she was trying her hardest to just get through it. “I have a bag drag on Wednesday, I need to get my stuff.”_  
   
 _“Fine! Run!” Sofia screamed up the stairs, “Just leave! Go!”_  
   
 _Tobin stopped at the last step, turning to look down at her wife holding herself upright by the banister, looking like she was ready to collapse. In her heart Tobin knew what she should do, go check on her, make sure she was okay, this was destroying her and it was Tobin’s job as her wife to comfort her, but for some reason her brain boiled over and instead of letting her anger subside she dug in further._  
   
 _“Yeah, act like this is my fault,” Tobin yelled down her throat burning with the harsh words, “Act like I chose this…”_  
   
 _“Didn’t you?” she cried, her face turning away as tears began to escape._  
   
 _Tobin stood up straight, her eyes going wide, “What do you mean?”_  
   
 _“You volunteered right?” she reached up trying to wipe her eyes enough to look up at Tobin, “You’ve been home for two months and you’re already leaving again. You had to volunteer for this. You want to leave. You want to leave me.”_  
   
 _“No,” Tobin whispered, all the anger she had built up starting to leave her, “I didn’t volunteer. Why would you think that?”_  
   
 _Sofia pressed her back against the wall, kicking her foot backwards so her heal hit the wall. She wrapped her arms around herself tight, “You think I don’t see it, but I do. I see when you get up at night. I see when you leave early, get home late. I hear you in the bathroom, you’re on the phone. I know what’s going on.”_  
   
 _She could feel her heart pull in her chest. Tobin knew what her wife was thinking, what all of that added up to, and it hurt thinking Sofia could ever have that idea, “No, you don’t.” she said as she started down the stairs._  
   
 _“I’m not stupid,” she cried out, “It happens all the time. I was stupid to think someone like you would ever want to stay with someone like me. I should have known you would find someone better…”_  
   
 _“Stop,” Tobin was standing in front of her wife, her hand coming up to cup Sofia’s face, her thumb padding across to wipe away a few tears, “I would never do that to you. Sof, you’re the love of my life and I would never do that. I promise. Hell, I spend half my time trying to figure out how you could be with me. If you think I could ever want anyone else, you’re insane.”_  
   
 _Taking a deep breath, trying to hold herself together Sofia looked up at her, “Then what’s going on Tobin? Why are you leaving me?”_  
   
 _“I’m with Kelley,” she said with a shrug as if it was a simple answer. “We both…” these words were hard to say, something she had been keeping inside for two months, trying not to worry the woman she loved. “We were really shaken up over there. It was worse than I said. It was… like… real war, like bombs and guns and death, and I…” she felt her knees give out from under her. She sat down on the steps, her hands coming up to her face. “I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do with myself half the time, so I go to Kelley. We go to the gym, we go to the movies, we just take walks around base. I’m on the phone with her. Sometimes she calls me randomly, just checking on me, and its comforting knowing she’s okay, because there were days out there when I wasn’t sure.”_  
   
 _“Tobin,” Sofia sat down next to her, reaching for her hands and pulling them away from her face, “I’m sorry. I should have known.”_  
   
 _“I should have said something,” Tobin shook her head, “I should have told you, I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to explain it, how to put into words the things that I saw. Now, it’s like I have all this time on my hands, I have all this space that needs to be filled and I have no idea how to fill it. I spend a lot of time just driving around, making circles around base; sometimes I just sit in the car, I just sit there, it feels ridiculous, but I don’t know what else to do.”_

_Taking a deep breath, Sofia tried to remember all the things the Marines taught her, all the briefings she had to sit through learning about what to do when people came home, how to handle situations like this, but none of it seemed to make sense. Tobin wasn’t just anyone, she was Tobin and she was the love of her life, none of those scenarios ever touched on how to help the most important person in your world. She wasn’t a danger to herself, she wasn’t a danger to other people, she wasn’t sad or angry she was just…numb._

_She took a deep breath, “It sounds like you might have…”_

_“Don’t say it,” Tobin rushed out, throwing her head back and groaning out loud, “I know what it is. I know all signs, I understand the problem, I just don’t accept it.”_

_“I don’t think it works like that babe,” she said softly._

_“But it should,” she ran her hand through her hair, “If I recognize the problem, I shouldn’t have it. It’s not rational, this fear, this strange emptiness. I know it’s there. Why can’t I just get rid of it, why can’t I just be normal.”_

_Sofia wrapped her arms around Tobin’s waste, “It’s not about being normal, you went through something and now you have to find a way to get past it, manage it, figure it out to the point where it doesn’t keep you up at night.”_

_Tobin let her head fall forward, her eyes shut tight, “I’m sorry I should have told you.”_  
   
_“You have nothing to be sorry for,” She leaned into Tobin’s side, putting her head on her shoulder, “You told me now, and we can handle it, together.”_  
   
_Tobin placed her head on top of Sofia’s, a soft smile coming to her lips, “Thank you, I promise I’ll be better at talking.”_

_“You can talk as much or as little as you need, just keep me in the loop so I can try and help.” She pushed into her making sure they were close, “Maybe you shouldn’t go on this deployment.”_

_“I can’t not go,” Tobin huffed_

_Sofia looked up at her, “Tobin, you’re not okay right now.”_

_“I don’t have time to not be okay,” she said quickly, “I don’t have time to be anything but what they need me to be. That’s what I was trying to tell you, I didn’t volunteer for this deployment. They ‘asked’ me. They are sending me to some remote place in Siberia or something. Apparently there are some old military trucks there and they need me to get them running.”_  
   
_Sofia shook her head, “Why you?”_  
   
_“No idea,” Tobin shrugged, “Captain just came up to me and said I’d been handpicked.”_  
   
_“I don’t like this,” she replied, placing her forehead on Tobin’s shoulder, “I don’t like this at all.”_

_“I’ll only be gone for two months?” She reassured her, “It’s not too bad, and when I get back, I promise I will work on all of this.”_  
   
   
__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometime between the goodbye hug, which was wonderful and warm and made Tobin’s heart swell, and the time when she crawled into bed, she found herself freaking out. The date, the one they had set for Friday, the one where she claimed they would have their first kiss, this date that she had already panicked over once was now causing her a sleepless night. She was in bed, her blanket pulled halfway up her torso, her arms exposed to the cold air, eyes pointed directly at the ceiling, the same ceiling she had been staring at for four years, only now it seemed different.

She noticed a new line in the wood grain, one down the center of the third board from the wall, maybe it was just the way she was looking at it, maybe it was the way she was laying, or a new split happened with the changing of the weather, or maybe it was her. She was different after all, a whole new woman, maybe, well she felt different, happiness was a stark contrast to the crippling sadness she had before. The last time she had looked up at the ceiling at the third board from the wall her mind was still filled with grief, an all-consuming misery that clouded her view of the world, clouded her view of the third board from the wall. Before when she looked up at it she could see the lines, the age marks of a tree she cut down for the simple act of creating a shelter for herself.

The idea that the tree had been there for years, growing strong, pushing roots deep into the earth, the tree was a part of the earth, something stronger and more secure in the world than she would ever be and yet she came with an axe and a gas powered chainsaw and cut straight through it emotionlessly yelling timber as this great living thing came to an end at her hand. She sliced it up into thin slices and mounted it on the frame she had built from other trees and now it sat keeping her protected from the elements. She didn’t deserve to be protected from the elements, at least not back then, she wasn’t worthy of the death of this great tree.  
   
It was a strange thing, death, it was strange to be the one dealing out death, not strange in the way that she hadn’t done it before, she spent a long time dealing in death, but the tree, the finality of that tree never being there again, of birds never nesting in it, of people never getting to sit under its shade, of it never doing its job of giving oxygen to the earth, that was all her fault and for some reason that fact hit her harder than any other death she had ever caused.  It reminded her of the first time she had ever killed someone, no guessing, no shooting into the distance hoping to hit a target, no questioning whether or not it was her that took a life. The first time, up close, personal, horrible and sickening, a gut wrenching feeling as she watched a body drop to the ground lifeless, no one to yell timber as they fell. The first time she had to stand over someone and claim blame, an at fault accident, a full on finger pointing ‘I did this’ death, all her own, no one else, just her.  
   
She was twenty years old, on night shift in the cold reaches of occupied Russia, with her full battle rattle strapped to her thin frame, a ten pound helmet attached to her head with a strap that dug into her chin, and a cold M-4 in her hands. She walked the perimeter of the vehicle maintenance garage, a giant warehouse like tent erected in two days, large enough to fit a few people and a couple of HHMWVs that needed to be fixed. Night shift was supposed to be boring, a waste of time, an excuse to down six cans of Rip Its and read a book. The patrol was supposed to be simple, once every hour on the hour walk around and make sure everything was secure. Easy job, two weeks of simple, who cares, bull shit work that she could easily do. It was the top of the eleventh hour, four hours into her shift, her fourth sweep, her third can of disgusting orange energy drink, her second chow hall sandwich and one hundred pages into her YA novel about wizards. She walked to the back of the giant building checking the door to make sure it was still locked, as it was the other four times she had done it, just like all the other nights, when there was a flash. She noticed it out the corner of her eye, a small flash, too quick to make anything real of it, maybe it was the eyes of a stray cat maybe it was the moon light bouncing off the frost that was starting to form on the ground, maybe it was a caffeine induced illusion, either way she ignored it and kept walking.

Then, as she tried the side door, making sure it was locked, another flash, this time it couldn’t be ignored. She slung her weapon off her shoulder, right hand on the forward hand grip, the other on the handle, finger off the trigger but on the safety. She squinted her eyes as she walked towards the flash, her helmet flash light barely doing its job, three steps that all she took then the flash revealed itself. “Stop” the command she was taught. “Stop or I will shoot” the second command, “Stop or I will shoot you” the final command. Pop, Pop, Pop! Two in the chest, one in the head. Smack. The body hit the ground. The alarm blared at the gun shots, and Tobin stood shaking, her gun still trained on the lifeless body. HMMWV’s surrounded the scene, Tobin still pointing her weapon at the body. Cops got out, went to the body, flipping it over, the lights from the vehicles finally giving off enough illumination to reveal the person Tobin had shot. “Good job Corporal.” A tall man with a deep voice told her as he put his hand on her rifle, lowering it for her. “You got him.” It took a few minutes for her to look up, “I Killed him.” She replied. “It was him or you,” he said simply. “He had a weapon, he was the enemy, you did good Marine.”  
   
From that moment on she was officially a killer, a life taker, and a piece of her was gone. It wouldn’t be the last time, far from it, the war would chip away at her soul and bring her to darkness before taking everything she had. After, in the safety of her cabin, she would spend four years looking up at the third board from the left wondering what would have happened if she never cut down that tree. What would have happened if she would have never pulled the trigger, what would her life be like if she remained a mechanic, if she got out of the Marines after four years, if she would have saved herself. These were questions that ate her up inside.

Tonight, looking up at the ceiling, at the same thing she had stared at for years, it was different. She was looking at it with new eyes; eyes that Christen looked into and didn’t see a killer, didn’t see a life taker, eyes that didn’t have to imagine all the horrible things she saw and did in the past. Tonight, as her heart pounded in her chest, for the first time, it started to calm itself, beat slower, her breathing becoming even, she didn’t have to panic. The date was going to be hard, she was going to find a way to mess it up most likely, but it would be okay, because at the end of it, even though she was going to freak out, she was going to kiss Christen, and nothing in the world could take that joy from her, not even her own thoughts.

 

—

 

In the morning, Tobin woke up refreshed, the sun shining through her window, indicating that she had slept through the morning and was waking up early afternoon, the funny thing was she didn’t get in bed tired, her eyes weren’t sinking, her head wasn’t foggy, yet she slept for over ten hours.  
   
She got up from her bed reaching for her coveralls, she needed to do work today, not because she was in a rush, but because she needed something to do while she waited out the time it took for _Friday at seven_ to show up. As she walked out the bedroom she saw Kelley, leaning back on the couch, her eyes half closed, a screwdriver in her hand, the broken computer laid out in pieces on the coffee table.  
   
“Are you still working on that?” Tobin asked, shocking her friend out of her thoughts, “You said you were going to print the emails at the clinic.”  
   
“I was,” Kelley replied wiping her mouth were some drool has escaped during her mini nap, “I went to the clinic and The Doc was on the phone, I didn’t want to interrupt her.” She stood up, stretching her arms out, “Besides, I want to fix the computer on my own.”  
   
Last night, Tobin walked in on a sleeping Kelley, the soft voice of the woman reading coming from the radio. It has been weeks since Kelley slept, Tobin could tell by the wild look in her eyes, so she tiptoed through the living room in order to let her keep resting.  
   
“Well, have you made any progress?” That was a stupid question seeing as there were more pieces on the table now than when she left for the festival last night.  
   
Kelley shrugged, “Not really,” she looked over at the pieces eyeballing them for a second before turning to her friend, “I think I’m going to go for a walk.”  
   
“Kels?” Tobin cried out.  
   
“I’m coming back,” she said quickly, “I promise, I’ll be back tonight.”  
   
Tobin knitted her eyebrows together knowing that it was going to be a hard promise to keep, but she wasn’t about to give her friend a hard time, not when she was already beating herself up about the computer, “Okay.” She said simply, not knowing how to answer, wanting to tell her to come back again, but knowing her pleading wasn’t going to help.  
   
Kelley walked over to the front door grabbing her coat and throwing it on, “See, I’m not even taking a back pack.”  
   
“Good,” Tobin said with a weak smile. Kelley could survive in the woods for weeks without supplies. She had a knife hooked in her back pocket and that’s all she needed for survival. At the end of the day she would try, she would think about coming home and if everything played out right, she would be back tonight, but Tobin wasn’t counting on it.  
   
   
\--  
 

The woods were so different in the winter, all the leaves on the ground, brown, dying, decomposing into the soil in order to make a rich compost for the summer season. You could see clear through most of the trees, the low hanging branches no longer covered in a thick green obstructing your view. Kelley stepped on to the trail, stopping to take a deep breath, the cold air filling her lungs, already her mind felt clearer, her body no longer stiff from sleeping upright. She needed the walk, she needed to be outside the stuffy house looking down at the parts and pieces of the broken computer, she just needed to get called by the silence and serenity of the woods. 

The trail was covered with leaves, moist from the frost melting, they didn’t crunch under her feet like the fall, it was more of a squish, but she didn’t mind. The sole of her boots were already covered in a thin layer of mud, when she saw a figure in the distance, someone bent down next to a hill. She approached slowly, the woods didn’t belong to anyone meaning the figure could be anyone, she realized it was Christen. 

“We have to stop meeting like this,” she said loud enough for the woman to hear her. 

Christen popped up from her crouched position, turning to flash a bright smile, “What are you doing out here?”

“Just going for a little walk,” she told her, looking around at the barren landscape, “What are you doing out here, there are no herbs this time of year.”

Christen turned back around and leaned over for a second before popping back up and holding a small almost perfectly round pebble. She tucked her hand in her pocket taking out a few more pebbles around the same size. “I’m trying to decorate my apartment, and I don’t have much. I have a couple of mason jars and I thought it would be cool to fill them with rocks, but I’m not doing to well finding nice ones. I don’t know, I kind of thought it would be like finding shells on the beach, but it’s turning out to be me just digging around in the mud picking up rocks.” She shrugged, pushing the rocks into her jacket pocket. 

Kelley chuckled a bit at the clearly disheartened woman, “You want to go to the lake, the nicest rocks are on the shore, they have neat colors.”

“That makes more sense,” She chuckled along with the happy woman, “I’ll have to go check it out. I’m trying to make my place feel welcoming.”

“For Tobin?” She asked, knowing that the doctor and her best friend were getting really close. 

Christen nodded, tucking her hands into her pockets, lowering her head just a bit, “I want her to be comfortable tomorrow, you know, want to come back and all that.”

“What’s tomorrow?”

“I thought she would have told you when she got home last night,” there was concern in her voice, “We are having our first date tomorrow night.”

“Oh wow,” Kelley smiled knowing she put the idea in Tobin’s head, “That’s great, I mean I know she was worried about all that, so it’s great, she likes set things, knowing what’s what and when.”

“Absolutes,” Christen said with a smile. 

“Exactly,” she replied a little taken back that Christen would know such a thing about Tobin. 

Normally Tobin took years to express feelings, to let someone in. When they moved to the town it took a year for Tobin to even say hello on a regular bases to anyone, Alex was the only person who seemed to wiggle her way into being her friend. Tobin wasn’t closed off, she was just private and sharing things about her past was harder than getting her to admit she even had a past. It seemed like the young doctor was starting to learn her best friend, and it wasn’t taking long. 

“I’m happy you guys are figuring all this out,” she said, trying to sound supportive and not concerned. 

“Yeah,” her tone was low and breathy as she waited for Kelley to speak up, the woman had an opinion and she was wanting to share it. 

Kelley kicked down at the mud, “Just be careful.”

“I won’t hurt her,” Christen said quickly.

“You won’t try,” she pushed out. In her head she knew that she shouldn’t talk to Christen about the past, about the things that Tobin held dear, but at the same time, she needed the person that was growing closer to her best friend to know everything. Tobin was complicated, and being with her required more than just small steps and careful words. “Sofia and Tobin…” she said trying to find the right words, “There relationship was…”

“Perfect.” Christen said quickly.

“Intense,” Kelley corrected. She looked up past Christen trying her best to talk without making eye contact, not able to look at her for fear of chickening out on what she needed to say, “They were together for like five years, but they only really spent like two and a half of those years together, in the same place, and when they were together, it was intense. They loved each other fiercely, but when you have to jam all that love, all those feelings, everything they had all into a few weeks of seeing each other before you were separated for months, that’s really hard and it took a toll on Tobin, on both of them.”

Christen took a deep breath, this was the first time she was getting real information about Tobin and her marriage to this seemingly perfect mystery woman. “I didn’t know they spent so much time apart.”

“Tobin was deployed a lot,” she shrugged, “She never told you what we did for the Marines, did she?”

“You’re an electrician,” Christen said simply knowing the answer must have been more complicated than that, “Tobin’s a mechanic.”

“I guess that’s a simple way to say it,” she said with a small laugh, “That’s how we started out, but we became more than that, something neither of us are proud of, something we don’t normally talk about. But…” she paused, this time looking up at Christen, “The things we saw, the things we did, it messed her up, and she and Sofia had a hard time with a lot of it. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, it was intense, crazy and consuming, but it was still loving and it still means almost everything to Tobin.”

“I understand,” she replied knowing Kelley was waiting to be acknowledged. 

“Just be careful with her,” she said simply, “She needs something stable, something real. I don’t think she could take another roller coaster ride.”

Christen nodded, her eyebrows lowering in concern, “I’m not here to mess with her mind or mess up her life, I just want to add to it and hopefully she can add to mine as well. I promise Kelley, I’m not here to cause chaos, I’m just here for her.”

She nodded, seeing the sincerity in her eyes, “Good.”

“And Kelley,” she said as she watched her turn around to start walking away, “If you ever need someone to talk to, about the things you saw, you can come to me. I won’t tell anyone, not even Tobin.”

Kelley turned her head to look at her, “Maybe I’ll take you up on that.” She gave a quick smile and a wave. 

As she started back down the trail, her feet sinking into the mud with every step, she thought about it, talking to someone. The last time they met in the forest Christen had offered her help, she didn’t know her then, still didn’t really, but if Tobin trusted her, then maybe she was okay. Maybe she really would take the doctor up on her offer. 

 

—

 

There was an old hand operated cherry picker, it was one of Tobin’s pride possessions; not every mechanic in this weird world had something like this. She found in on a drive with Kelley, one of the long ones they took a few years ago. They passed by a roadside garage/diner and decided to take a look. The whole place was covered in cobwebs and moss, but it was kind of cool. Tobin walked into the garage thinking they may have been some spare tools she could take back, and in the corner a little rusted and in need to restoration, a cherry picker. Of course she immediately forced Kelley to help her get the heavy tool into the back of the truck, and they drove home with smiles on their faces. It’s served its purpose a few times over the years, it was definitely worth the trouble it took to restore it.  
   
Tobin had the engine chained to the tool, she started to push down on the hand pump lifting the engine in the air just high enough to get it into the truck. Carefully she pulled the whole contraption over to the jeep body and started to line up the engine with the frame. She slowly lowered the engine into place, and began work on the mounting bolts.  
   
“It’s really coming together,” a scratchy voice said.  
   
The voice was a familiar one, it was someone she didn’t need to turn around to see; she could picture her face perfectly. “Yeah, it won’t be long now.”  
   
“You’re pretty good at this,” Alex laughed.  
   
Tobin chuckled to herself, “You could say that.” As she tighten the first bolt down, she stood up straight and looked over at her friend, “What brings you up here?”  
   
“Maybe I wanted to see you,” Alex said casually as she walked around the jeep admiring the work. She looked over at Tobin whose eyebrows had lowered, she was wearing a small smirk on her face. “Maybe I wanted to check up on you.”  
   
“There’s the real answer,” Tobin nodded her head. She took a rag from her back pocket and started to wipe off her hands, “So, you heard about Christen and me.”  
   
Alex nodded once, her lips pressed tight together. There was something on her mind and Tobin could see it. Alex was always there for her, in the old days when Kelley would take off randomly, Alex was the one Tobin could count on, and now here she was, doing her duty as the backup best friend and checking on Tobin like a mother duck looking behind to make sure her ducklings were following her.  
   
“Are you okay, you know, with all that?” she asked, her tone low showing no emotion on how she felt about the situation.  
   
The question made Tobin take a step back, she leaned against her work bench, the spot Christen spent most of her time sitting whenever she came to visit Tobin in the garage. She ran the rag over her skin, harder this time, getting the line of grease from the back on her hand.  
   
“I am,” she finally replied. “I’m doing surprisingly well.”  
   
Alex was still walking around the jeep, touching small spots on it from time to time, this was something she did whenever she had something to say but didn’t want to upset Tobin, after all the mechanic was fragile and any wrong word could send her spiraling down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and sadness.  
   
“You look happy,” she said simply, “I saw you at the festival. You seemed like you were having a nice time.”  
   
“I am happy,” she shrugged not sure what her friend was getting at.  
   
As Alex made it to the other side of the jeep, the one Tobin was on, she leaned against the vehicle crossing her arms, “Be careful.”  
   
“I am,” Tobin smiled.  
   
“Seriously Tobs,” she said in a heavier tone. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”  
   
“I won’t,” she shook her head once to emphasize her point. “I promise, Lex, I’m fine.” She gave a quick smile, trying to break Alex’s hard exterior, “She makes me happy, she makes me smile and I know that’s scary, I am scared, and I know people are afraid for me, but it’s okay. I don’t think Chris is here just to hurt me. She knows what I’ve been through, she knows how I am. She’s sweet and caring, I don’t think she could ever hurt me, not on purpose.”  
   
Alex nodded, looking away, past Tobin for just a second. “Okay, I trust you, and I trust that you trust her.” She said standing up straight, “But if she hurts you…”  
   
“I know.” Tobin grinned, standing up and taking a few steps towards Alex. She held out her arms, allowing the serious woman to hug her, “I can take care of myself, you know.”  
   
Alex broke free of the hug chuckling, “No, you can’t.” she gave Tobin a quick slap on the shoulder, “That’s why Kelley and I are here.”  
   
“And who looks after Kelley?” Tobin joked.  
   
“Both of us,” Alex replied, finally smiling.

 

—

 

That night Tobin ate alone, standing at the counter, looking over to the front door waiting for it to open, for Kelley to rush in. She stood in the kitchen drinking the last of her second beer when she finally gave up. 

The world was dark, the stars barely shining in the sky in the cold, foggy winter night, and Kelley was still nowhere to be found. In frustration she took a long shower, allowing the small room to fill with steam, so much so it was hard to see when she finally climbed out the tub to dry herself off. Part of her thought she would see Kelley when she walked out the bathroom, but the living room was empty, the computer parts still on the coffee table showing no signs of being tampered with, Kelley was still not home. 

This wasn’t her problem. Was it? All the years of Kelley coming in and out of their life, showing up when she wanted, disappearing when she wanted, there were points when Tobin thought ‘whatever’ about the whole thing. She was angry, Kelley promised to be home at night, and here it was, night, darkness hanging high in the sky and yet Kelley was nowhere to be found. 

She climbed into bed, pulling the blankets over her body, her arms drifting above her head, her eyes pointed up at the boards that made up the ceiling. It was hard to be angry with Kelley. It’s hard to be angry with your support system, even though she had every right to be when that support system wasn’t being very supportive. Alex was the only person to really ask Tobin how she felt about the date, about what was going to happen tomorrow night, Kelley didn’t even bother to mention it. Or… had she forgotten to say anything. Did she ever tell Kelley about the date? Did she ever let her best friend know that she was about to go to dinner, to kiss a girl? 

The sound of rusty hinges on the door echoed through the cabin. The distinct sound of her best friend struggling to kick off her boots came through the air, and the sound of footsteps getting closer lead to her door creeping open. 

“I’m home,” Kelley said, her head poking in the door, her body missing from the scene. “Sorry it’s so late.”

“It’s okay; your home,” Tobin said sitting up in the bed, “How was the walk?”

She looked up, one side of her mouth turned up, “Enlightening.”

Tobin nodded, “That’s good.” She flattened the blanket over her legs nervously, “I’m going on a date tomorrow.”

Kelley gave a quick smile, “I know.”

“Did I tell you?” She questioned. 

“No,” the reply was quick but not angry, “I ran into Christen on my walk, she told me.”

“Oh,” Tobin lowered her head. 

Kelley stepped all the way in the room, “Don’t worry about it. I didn’t really give you a chance to share.”

“Still,” she knitted her eyebrows together, “I should have just said it.”

“It’s a big deal,” she shrugged, shoving her hands into her front pockets, “Are you ready?”

A smirk came across her face, “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Good,” she let out a puff of air as if they were both holding their breaths, “Well, tomorrow we can figure it all out, right now I need to eat.”

“I made stew,” she nodded towards where the kitchen was, “If you want some.”

“Stew sounds good,” Kelley smiled, turning around to start out the room “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Tobin nodded as she started to settle back into bed, “Yeah, see you in the morning… And Kels?”

She turned back to look at her friend, “Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming home.”

“Thanks for being home.”

 

—

 

“I have two shirts!” Tobin called out. 

“You have more than two shirts,” Kelley shouted back.

Tobin walked out her bedroom, “I have two nice shirts.”

“What’s wrong with that?” She looked up from the parts on the table, “That’s a good shirt.”

“She’s seen this one already,” Tobin complained, “Seriously, she’s going to think I have no nice clothes.”

Kelley started to laugh, “Well, you don’t. You have two nice shirts.”

“It’s not funny,” she cried, looking down at the grey button up.

“I don’t think she will care,” Kelley mention as she tried to get her laugher under control. “I don’t think she will look at your shirt and kick you out for wearing it once before.”

“Maybe not now,” Tobin whined, sounding like a little kid, “But maybe she will the next time she see’s me in the shirt from the festival.”

“If she breaks up with you because you only have two nice shirts, she’s not the girl for you.” 

Tobin huffed, “Maybe.”

It wasn’t about the shirts, or maybe it was, who really knows at this point. Mostly it was about being nervous, about seeing Christen, about going on a real date with a person she really cared about. It was about the whole thing, about Christen figuring out who she was, about the fact that Tobin was boring, probably as boring as it came. It was about this wonderful woman who moved her entire life up to a remote town in the middle of nowhere use-to-be-America and decided to be a doctor for complete strangers, a woman that chose to go on a random road trip, and decided that she like Tobin. It was about that woman figuring out Tobin was just a mechanic, and not only that, she was happy being one. Tobin’s life wasn’t about adventure, it wasn’t about exciting things, it was about being as simple as possible, and one day Christen was going to figure that out, and when that day finally made its way to the present Tobin had no idea what she was going to do. Maybe, the third time she wore the same button up shirt, maybe that would be the day that Christen decided that boring Tobin the mechanic wasn’t worth it.

Maybe not.

But, maybe.

 

“We need an iron,” Tobin threw her arms in the air, “We need a lot of things.”

“You need to calm down,” Kelley laughed. She stood up from the couch and stood in the doorway to Tobin’s room, watching her best friend rummage through her footlocker. “You know if you didn’t keep all your stuff in that damn thing, maybe your shirts wouldn’t be wrinkled.”

Tobin looked up at her, “Your observation is not helping me in this moment. Can’t you see I’m freaking out?”

Kelley couldn’t help herself she started to laugh “I can see that,” she said trying to hold in the cackles taking over her, “I can find an iron or something.”

“How soon?” Tobin asked in a desperate voice. 

She shrugged, “Couple of days.”

“Not helping,” Tobin yelled taking a boot from her footlocker and tossing at Kelley.

Successfully dodging the boot Kelley continued to laugh at her friend, “You can always postpone the date.”

“No,” Tobin huffed, sitting down and leaning against the bed post, tucking her legs up towards her chest. “I’m nervous.” 

This time Kelley could see the anxiety in her eyes. She walked into the room, sitting down next to Tobin, “I know you are dude, but you shouldn’t be.”

“Why,” She asked with a defeated chuckle, “Look at me.”

“You’re Tobin fucking Heath,” Kelley said happily, “Dude, I remember when you were beating girls off with a stick, and now you’re nervous about one girl, one date.”

Tobin laughed softly, “It’s not just one girl, one date, it’s the real thing Kels.” She straightened her legs, letting her hands rest in her lap, “Chris is different. She’s something. I don’t really know. I can’t place it yet, but she’s different.”

“I’m not going to lie homie,” Kelley turned her head to look at her friend, “She’s pretty great, I’m kind of jealous of you.”

“Really?” Tobin shook her head, “Why?”

“Because I think you’re right. I think this girl is the real deal, I think she is something and I’m jealous you have that. I’ve spent most of my time in this town looking for something, anything, a spark, a connection, something that makes me feel the way you’re feeling right now. Shit, I’d give anything to feel nervous about a date, to be excited to see someone, for them to be excited to see me.”

It was in the moment Tobin realized that she wasn’t the only one living a boring life, she wasn’t the only one who was sitting in her bed at night staring up at the ceiling. Kelley may not have slept most nights, she might have gone on adventures and hikes and other things, but she was just as boring as Tobin, and that meant she was lonely. The whole time they had lived in the small town, besides the full year they spent half drunk and fully emotionally incapacitated, Kelley had been looking for someone to be with. There wasn’t a day that had gone by that she didn’t mention a pretty girl, or someone that gave her some kind of butterflies, even if it was just one butterfly, Kelley always saw it as something, she saw it as hope and she was starting to lose that hope. 

“You know what I think you should do?” Tobin said.

Kelley raised an eyebrow, “What’s that?”

“Look for radio girl again,” she said with a wide smile. “Seriously, you looked for her, but you never found her. I think you should try again. She has to be out there.”

“I don’t know,” she sounded defeated. 

Tobin jumped up, reaching her hand down to grab her friend and pull her to her feet, “Dude, you need something else to do, something other than fixing that computer to read emails. You need to find something else in your life. I think you should find radio girl.”

She shook her head, “Radio girl doesn’t want to be found.”

“Since when does that stop you,” Tobin replied cheerfully. “You should find her, and then if it turns out she really doesn’t want to be found then leave it alone, but at least you’ll know who she is, at least you’ll figure out the mystery. And who knows, maybe she does want to be found, maybe she’s waiting on a hot electrician to find her.”

This made Kelley laugh, lowering her head in shyness, “Maybe.”

“I’m right,” Tobin clapped her hand on Kelley’s shoulder, “Go find her, take a chance.”

“Okay, okay,” she gave in, “I’ll try to find radio girl again. But I’m going to need your help, so no getting lost in the doctor.”

“I won’t,” Tobin said understanding what her friend meant, “I’ll be here, always.”

“Thanks,” she replied happily. “Now go on to your date, you’re going to be late.”

Tobin nodded, “I’ll see you when I get home.”

“If you come home,” Kelley wiggled her eyebrows. 

“It’s not that kind of date,” Tobin shook her head. 

“Not yet,” she joked, “She has to see you in that shirt, then all bets are off.”

Tobin looked down at her shirt, “Don’t remind me.”

They walked out the room together, Tobin suddenly feeling a lot less nervous about the whole thing. Somehow in the time it took for her to help her best friend she seemed to forget about the fact that she was freaking out about what was going to happen in the next twenty minutes. She pulled on her boots, the one she had cleaned earlier that day, making sure her already worn outfit was at least nice. She put on her nice jacket, well the only one that didn’t smell like the tail pipe of a car, and zipped it up looking out to Kelley hoping for more encouraging words. 

“You should’ve gotten flowers.” Kelley said simply. 

“How is that helping me now?” Tobin questioned. 

“It’s not,” she shrugged, turning to walk to the kitchen.

Tobin shook her head again, then walked out the door, letting the short walk to her truck calm her. As she was about to climb into the truck she looked out to the other side of the yard, along the fence line in the distance something was sticking out in the darkness. She walked across the yard, squinting her eyes at the mysterious thing. As she got closer she realized what it was, a single row of lights yellow flowers, looking as if they had just started to bloom. There weren’t many flowers up in the mountains especially this time of year, and yet here they were, as if someone had placed them there for just this moment. Tobin took out her pocket knife and cut the plant at the bottom of its stem, holding it up in the setting sun, smiling at the perfect thing for the perfect moment. 

 

—

 

The light in the window, the second floor of the clinic, a single window covered by a thin white curtain, showing just enough to know the light was on, but not enough to see into the house. It was a soft white light, almost yellow in a way, a figure that was passing by it as the seconds ticked by and Tobin sat in her truck, waiting for the moment when she was okay enough to walk up the stairs and knock on the door. She had been sitting there for over five minutes, arriving ten minutes early, too early to show up, but she didn’t want to be late, but knocking at the door this early would be awkward, so she sat, looking up at the window, looking up at the white, maybe yellow, light in the window that lead to Christen’s house. This was the first time she was going on a date since the last first date she ever had, the one that was supposed to be the last one of her life, and now she was here in the cold, starting a new date, a new life. 

She played with the heater in the truck not bothering to turn off the engine when she arrived. There was something inside her that wanted to be able to drive away, a quick get away if she needed too, yet she was still sitting there the truck at idle, her heart at peak RPMs as she waited for a non awkward early time to show up to the house. She took a deep breath, tearing her eyes away from the window and looking into the passengers seat, the row of flowers she had picked, sitting there in the worn out seat, the yellow pedals looking so paper thin and fragile in the beast of a truck made of hard steal. She reached over and took the flower in her hand, the stem was thin, if she used too much pressure she could snap it, and it wouldn’t be that much pressure, maybe just putting her thumb on it and pressing down. How was life that fragile? A twitch of a finger could destroy her perfect thing, five pounds of pressure could end a life. 

The figure, the one she knew was Christen moved past the window again. Tobin caught it in the corner of her eyes forcing her to look up at the soft glow one more time. A smile came to her face, something she didn’t notice she was doing until her eyes fell to the clock on her dash, it was five minutes before she was meant to arrive, it was appropriate to be this early. She shut off the engine, climbing out the truck, the flower daintily in her hand, careful not to snap it as she climbed the stair and knocked on the door.

 

“Hey,” Christen opened the door, eyes wide at the sight in front of her, “You look great.”

“Thanks,” Tobin lowered her head feeling her cheeks starting to red, “It’s the same shirt as last time.”

Christen chuckled at the statement, “I like the shirt.”

“Good because I only have two.” Tobin blurted out. 

“That’s okay,” she said moving out the doorway so Tobin could walk through, “Surprisingly I’m not going out with you for your wardrobe.”

Tobin nodded, letting out a breath of air, “That’s good to know.” She turned around to watch Christen close the door, “I got you this.” She thrusted out her hand clutching the flower.

“Where did you find this?” She said with wide eyes, taking the flower from Tobin’s hand.

“It was growing on the fence line,” she said happily, “I’d never seen it before.”

Christen rushed into the main part of the house heading to the kitchen, “Do you know what this is?”

“No,” Tobin shrugged as she started to remove her jacket.

“It’s a snapdragon,” she replied, pulling a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water, “I didn’t know they grew up here.”

“Me either,” Tobin joked. “Glad you like it.”

“Wait till it dies,” Christen grinned, setting the glass with the flower down down on the counter. 

Tobin lowered her eyebrows, “Okay.”

She laughed, realizing Tobin had no idea what she was talking about, “When snapdragons die they look like little skulls, it’s really cool.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” she set her jacket down on the back of the couch. 

“Trust me, it’s super cool,” she reassured her, “I’m not weird.”

“No you definitely are,” Tobin said without thinking. She looked over at Christen and smirked, “It’s a good thing. I’ve known regular people my whole life, the weird ones are the ones you want to be around.”

“Good to know,” she nodded.

“Shit, the wine!” Tobin grabbed her coat and ran back outside. 

Christen went to the window in the kitchen and looked out to see Tobin opening the back seat of her truck. She took out a bottle, holding it up grinning at it, something Christen was quickly growing to love. Tobin’s smile wasn’t like anyone elses, it was big, it filled her whole face, with little lines in her cheeks showing that she smiled a lot. Her teeth where perfectly straight and uniform like someone manufactured them, and her eyes lit up, no matter how dark it was, her eyes were as bright as a pair of honey brown eyes could ever get. 

As Tobin made her way back into the apartment, the wine in hand, holding it up proudly she saw Christen staring at her, “What’s up?”

“You’re wonderful,” she answered simply. 

Tobin smirked, “What makes you say that?”

“Everything you do.” She replied. 

“It’s just wine,” Tobin joked, setting the bottle on the table. 

 

They had opened the bottle of white wine, pouring it into regular glasses, Christen overly apologizing for not having wine glasses, and Tobin assuring her it didn’t matter, that once she had drank moonshine from a flower pot because it was the only cup-like container they had lying around. In the time it took for them to drink half a glass, they had settled, and suddenly they were comfortable.

The roles were reversed, with Tobin leaning agains the counter as Christen bounced around the kitchen cooking. Tobin enjoyed watching her work, listening to her talk about her day, telling stories about patients with their names redacted, for confidentiality, even though Tobin knew exactly who she was talking about. She liked to watch her move in the kitchen, the way she seemed to glide from place to place, the way her arms flexed as she moved the spatula around in the pan, the way she kept a close eye on everything while seeming like she wasn’t paying much attention to it at all. 

She was making chicken with rice and green beans, complaining about the selection the town had, and promising Tobin that she would cook her a real meal one day when supermarkets existed again. The smell that filled the kitchen had Tobin’s mouth watering, she didn’t care much about the simplicity of the food, she enjoyed it, she was never someone who liked to eat fancy dinners, and drink fine wine. No, Tobin was raised on kool-aide and hamburger helper and lived most of her twenties on MRE’s and purified water that tasted like chemicals, this meal was more than enough and watching Christen cook made everything better. 

They sat down at the table, steam coming off their plates, their wine tasting better with every sip, a candle burning between them. As they started to eat, Tobin watching Christen as she talk in between bites of food, explain something complicated that she thought was mundane, Tobin took a second to take in everything that was happening around her. She thought about the ease of it all, the way they were talking, Tobin mostly listening as she liked to do. She thought about the fact that she started off the date worried, freaking out that she wouldn’t be good enough for the woman sitting across from her. She was nervous about not being enough, and though that was still a worry, she had another thought, one that seemed to settle her. Maybe this was enough, maybe all of this, simple dinners and talking about their days, maybe that was enough for Christen, because it was more than enough for Tobin. 

 

“I’ve been talking this whole time,” Christen laughed at herself, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take up so much space.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Tobin poked her fork into a green bean, swirling it around in the light layer of butter coming off the chicken, “I like listening.”

She nodded, “I’ve noticed that about you.”

Tobin looked up with wide eyes, “Do you want me to talk more?”

“Not necessarily,” she took a sip from her glass, “I just want you to know that you can, if you want. I like listening to you talk.”

“Why?” She snorted, “I’m boring.”

“No you’re not,” she replied with some shock to her voice. “Tobin, you’re probably one of the most interesting people I have ever met.” She paused for a second, not sure if she should add the last part, but deciding for it, “You just don’t let anyone know.”

Tobin lowered her eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

Christen set her fork down on her empty plate. “You have a past, and I know it’s not a great one, at least not most of it, but some of it has to be pretty wonderful for you to be who you are. I’ve heard stories from everyone I’ve met that knew you back then and honestly you sound like one of the wildest, and yet interestingly subdued person I have ever heard of.” She sat forward in her chair, “I know it’s hard to talk about your past, but you don’t have to tell me the bad things, you can start with the good, and we can work from there. I just want to know you.”

“I don’t have much to share,” Tobin said simply. She grabbed her glass and down the rest of her wine, “I’m not that interesting, seriously.”

There was something inside Christen that didn’t want to say anything, knowing Tobin was the type to play it extremely close to the vest but she couldn’t help herself, she had to say something, she had to find a way to get through to her. “What about the guitar, you play.”

Her eyes got wide, “I did, yeah, but you already knew that.” 

“What about finding a guitar, playing again?”

“No,” she said quickly, “I don’t know… Maybe.” She paused for a second, then shook her head, “No, it’s not something I want to do again.”

“Okay,” she drew out, leaning back in her chair, “What about longboarding, do you want to do that again?”

“No,” she replied without a care. 

Christen stood up from the table grabbing the plates and heading to the kitchen. “You are difficult.”

The words hit Tobin in the gut. The dinner had gone perfect, she was happy listening to Christen talk, she was happy just sitting there enjoying the meal, enjoying the company and suddenly she was being asked questions she didn’t want to answer. There wasn’t much to explain about her answers, why she didn’t know if she could play the guitar again, why she didn’t want to jump back on a longboard, there was just something inside her that was preventing it, something she couldn’t figure out. 

She sat at the table as Christen turned on the water and started to place all the dishes in the sink. Tobin watched her, it wasn’t the same as watching her cook without a care in the world, now Christen was frustrated and her shoulders tensed up showing how uncomfortable she was. The hope that Tobin once had was starting to dwindle, and she could feel her heart sink. 

She tapped her fingers on the table, looking at the grain of the wood, the lines where two pieces had been glued together to make the table top. In the center of the table was a crack, something small, it had been filled with an epoxy and sanded down smooth. Tobin felt like the center of the table, like a board with a crack in it, something that had a purpose, that had one job to do and cracked under the pressure. All Christen wanted was an answer, a small piece of her past they could talk about. She wanted to get to know Tobin, she was interested in her, and here she was, at the table, looking down at the epoxy filler while Christen washed dishes. They were separated, in the same place, but distant in a way that made Tobin feel empty, a hole in the pit of her stomach, the air sucked from her lungs, a nothingness that needed to be filled with something. 

“I collect pennies.” She said without thinking. 

Christen shut off the water, “What?”

She got up from her seat, “I collect pennies,” she repeated as she walked into the kitchen, “I traveled so much, I wanted something to remember each place. I didn’t want anything big or expensive, or something I had to hunt down because I didn’t have a lot of time in the places I went, so I started to collect pennies, or one cent pieces. They are small, and usually made of copper which means they don’t have much weight, plus they aren’t significant so no one would ever steal them. I have like fifty of them, in a bag, in my footlocker.”

“Pennies?” She questioned, turning to face Tobin.

“Yeah, pennies,” she smiled, pushing her hand in her back pockets, “I thought it was cool, well not cool, but simple and interesting.”

“You have fifty cents in different currency sitting in a bag in your footlocker?” She couldn’t help but smile. 

Tobin shrugged, “I assume it’s not really fifty cents anymore. Some of them are probably worth more, and most of them are not real currency anymore, but yeah basically I have fifty or so pennies in my locker at the cabin.”

Christen took a step closer to her, reaching out and grabbing Tobin’s elbows, pulling them forward so her hands were out her pockets. She slide her hands down her forearms and took hold of her hands, lacing their fingers together. 

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” she gave a loving smile. 

“You scare me,” she said quickly, feeling consumed by the pair of green eyes looking into her own. “You have this way about you, a freeing quality, a way that makes me feel like I am standing on top of a mountain struggling to breathe the thinnest air, trying to find a way to climb down, even though I don’t want to climb down, I want to stay up there, with you, looking out onto the world. The way that you’re happy, the simple way that you can just _be happy_ , that scares me because I haven’t been happy in a long time, and yet with you I can smile, I can feel free, and high, and amazed and I am left wondering every single moment if I am still alive because breathing with you is like experiencing death in the most beautiful way because dying is the only way I ever thought I could be carefree and happy again.”

“Wow,” was all she knew how to say. 

Tobin lowered her head, “That was too much.” She tried to pull away.

“No,” Christen gripped her hands, squeezing as tight as she could, making sure Tobin knew there was no way she was going to let her go, “I didn’t know you could speak so many words so quickly and in that order and… just wow.”

“Do you think I’m weird?” She asked nervously. 

“Yes,” Christen said with a sly smile, “But the weird ones are the ones you want to get to know, and dammit Tobin Heath I want to get to know you, so just let me, please.”

Tobin looked up at her, eyes big and full of wanting, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please.”

Tobin reached her hand up, cupping Christen’s face, her skin smooth against Tobin’s calloused hands. She took a breath, looking into her eyes wondering how something so green could also be grey. Before she could talk herself out of it, she leaned in, letting her eyes close, allowing her body to take control. In a second she could feel it, the soft pair of lips against hers and with that all the air left her body and she was suddenly floating. She pressed a little harder letting their lips slotting together perfectly, and Tobin swore in that moment she would do everything it took in order to do this again, to keep doing it; she swore to spend the rest of her days finding a way to kiss Christen over and over again until the sun set for it’s final time.

They pulled apart, breathless and smiling, Tobin letting her hand fall to take Christens again. “Wow,” she said almost too silently to hear. 

“I’ve been waiting for that all night,” Christen breathed out. 

Tobin opened her eyes, “Worth the wait?”

“That was worth every single day of waiting for you,” Christen leaned forward putting her forehead gently against Tobin’s, “Are you okay, with all that?”

Tobin nodded her head the best she could, “I think I’m more okay than I’ve ever been.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great comments. I read all of them, I'm just bad at replying because, well lets face it, I'm giant ball of anxiety and as much as I enjoy talking and writing, responding to comments makes me nervous, but I do read all of them and they all make me smile. 
> 
> I have a pretty clear picture of where this is all going, thanks to the love of my life listening to me ramble on and helping me hammer out a few details. Chapters should, SHOULD, come a lot easier now. 
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for reading and liking and all that amazing stuff.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks after the date, Christen comes to the cabin to have dinner with Tobin and Kelley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Thanks for reading. Not much to say on this one. I hope everyone enjoys.

Two weeks had passed since the date, a single day in time that changed everything for Tobin. The winter was finally here, the frost turning into light snow on the ground as the season settled over the north. The world was changing, going into a cocoon like state, keeping itself safe from harm by freezing over, but the exact opposite was happening to Tobin. She was opening up, her heart she had willingly froze over for protection was starting to defrost and beat again as if the sun was finally shining in her chest letting warmth carry her into a state of happiness. She spent her days working on the jeep, her afternoons in the garage not getting much done at all with Christen sitting on the work bench talking away, filling the once empty space with cheerful words, like a bird singing in the middle of a once silent forest. She spent her nights on the couch with Kelley listening to the radio and debating who the girl on the other end was, who in the town, in the world would spend hours reading books over the air not knowing if anyone was even listening. She had a new routine, something better than before, something that made even the gloomy winter days seem like the brightest days she’s ever had.  
   
The drive down to town still gave her butterflies, she had made the drive more times than she could count, and for a while, now she had been making her way to the clinic to see Christen, and yet the thought of seeing her still made her nervous, still made her anxious in the very best of ways. It was the initial contact, the hello, the joy on Christens face, the light in her eyes when she walked in the room, it was amazing. How in the world could someone be so happy to see her? It had been a while since someone was excited to see her, genuinely lit up just at the sight of her, and every single time it happen Tobin was overwhelmed with happiness. There was no better feelings, knowing someone liked you the way you liked them, though she was pretty sure she liked Christen way more than Christen liked her because it seemed impossible for anyone to like anyone as much as she liked Christen. 

There were so many things, not just the visible ones, not just the fact that Christen was outwardly sweet and loving, not just that she was incredibly smart, stunningly beautiful, and funny, it was the things that Tobin was sure no one else noticed. It was the smiles, the ones that all had different meanings, there was the one that filled her whole face, that meant she was caught off guard with something incredibly funny and she couldn’t help the way she reacted; there was the sly one, the left corner of her mouth just a little higher than the right, that was when she was figuring something out, learning something that she didn’t want to mention, and when that smile was directed at Tobin, it made her heart slam in her chest because it meant Christen was discovering something new about her.  
   
There’s this thing that happens when you choose to open yourself up to someone else, not in the way that you are looking for a new friend, but in the way that you want that person to know you as a whole. The guards you have up, the walls you’ve built around aspects of yourself, they start to crumble and that person gets to see inside, they get to see the nooks and crannies of your heart, the far reaches of your mind; they get to discover a whole person you had locked away inside. When they see this person, you become two people, the person you want to be and the person you are. To Christen, Tobin was this amazing mystery, this puzzle that had some of the pieces, but all the pieces she had were great. To herself, she was much more than a puzzle with missing pieces, she was a puzzle with pieces she had thrown away, far way, in places she hoped no one would ever find them, and yet when Christen looked at her, really looked at her, there was this urge to find those pieces, put them all together, show her the whole picture. This idea of Christen truly knowing her, it wasn’t as frightening as it was just weeks ago, in fact Tobin was overjoyed to let the woman she liked get to know her in a way only one other person ever had, she was slowly opening the door at letting her in.  
   
Today, she was going to break her routine, she was going to see Christen, and the butterflies were flapping wildly inside as she parked her truck outside the clinic, grabbing the canvas bag from the passenger’s seat and hopping out the truck. She moved inside, walking through the waiting room like she had done it a million times before, stopping at the desk to her friend on the other side.  
   
“Hey Tobin,” Tiffany said with a light smile, “How are you?”  
   
“Great,” Tobin replied, taking a second to realize that it wasn’t just a generic answer, she really was great. She flashed a smile, “How are you?”  
   
“Exhausted,” she replied rolling her eyes, “It’s been a day, I am telling you.”  
   
“Oh no, is she busy?” Tobin could feel her heart sink at the thought of not seeing Christen.  
   
“Nope,” Tiffany said cheerfully, “You came at just the right time. She’s in her office, go on in.”  
   
The grin on Tobin’s face was involuntary, her excitement in seeing Christen finding a way to seep out her body for everyone to see, “Awesome.” She replied trying to keep herself as contained as she could.  
   
Before walking in the office she knocked on the door just loud enough to get a response, then pushed it open to see the thing that was quickly becoming her favorite sight; Christen looking at her, a smile on her face, eyes bright as ever, and a subtle look of relief on her face.  
   
“What are you doing here?” Christen asked happily, getting up from her desk, “I thought I was going up to see you.”  
   
“You were,” Tobin chuckled, “You are, later. I thought I’d bring you some lunch.”  
   
Christen gave a quick smile as she stopped a few inches from Tobin, “You’re always feeding me.”  
   
“Feed them and they will always come back,” Tobin said with a smile, “My mom always said that, though she may have been talking about stray cats.”  
   
“You see me as a stray cat?” Christen raised an eyebrow.  
   
“No,” Tobin replied quickly, “I see you as a beautiful lady.”  
   
“Nice save,” she laughed, reaching over to grab the bag.  
   
Tobin pulled her bag away, “Hold on,” she laughed looking at the concerned look in the doctors eyes, “Do I get a hello, or…”  
   
Christen closed the gap between them, reaching her hand up to softly cup Tobin’s cheek, planting a quick kiss on her lips, “Hello.”  
   
“Hello,” Tobin said with a soft smile.  
   
“Now, gimmie gimmie gimmie,” she held out her hands towards the bag, “I’m starving.”  
   
“Fine, take it, you use me for food anyways,” she joked pushing the bag into Christens hands.  
   
“I don’t use you for food,” she shoved her hand in the bag pulling out a few containers, “I use you for transportation,” she laughed referring to the truck Tobin loaned her once the weather got too bad to walk around in. “And you’re nice to look at.” She turned and gave a quick wink.  
   
Tobin could feel herself blush. This was becoming a thing with them, Christen making comments that served to make Tobin’s tan cheeks even darker. Their relationship, if someone could call it that since they had yet to discuss a label or a name or whatever they were yet, it was getting to the point where they were comfortable, at least Christen was incredibly comfortable, and Tobin was trying not to look like a dork.  
   
She use to be good at this, flirting, having cheeky comebacks that would make a girl swoon. She lost her mojo, her thing, her swag, all the stuff that made the ladies love Tobin, and she wanted to find it again. Christen was suave, without having to try, she could say things that had Tobin completely speechless, wondering how in the world a woman like Christen could ever like someone like her, she had a way of saying the simplest things in the slyest ways and Tobin needed to keep up. There was a drive to find the right thing to say, to casually blurt out a combination of words that would make Christen’s knees weak. This was going to happen, and soon, she would figure out how to make her blush if it was the last things she ever did. But right now wasn’t her moment.  
   
“How’s your day been?” She asked trying to take her mind off Christen’s comment, “Tiffany said you guys have been swamped.”  
   
Christen quickly chewed the bit of food in her mouth, “Pretty much, I just got a break.”  
   
“Something crazy happening?” she walked over and pulled the client chair closer to the desk to start eating.  
   
“No, just flu season,” she replied with a sad tone, “Everyone thinks they’re sick, and everyone needs a flu shot, and most refuse to take it. Which reminds me, you need a flu shot.”  
   
“No thank you,” Tobin shook her head, “I don’t get sick.”  
   
“Everyone gets sick Tobs,” she narrowed her eyes, “You can’t just not get sick.”  
   
“Trust me, my immune system kicks ass,” she held her chin up, “I don’t get sick. I don’t need a flu shot.”  
   
Christen nodded her head, “Okay, we’ll see.”  
   
“Anyway,” she quickly changed the subject, “I wanted to invite you up tonight.”  
   
“I’m up there every night,” she said passively.  
   
“No I mean to hang out with me and Kelley. We are trying to figure out a mystery.”  
   
Christen perked up, “Like a medical mystery?”  
   
“More like a people mystery.”  
   
“I’m good at those,” she said proudly, “Almost better than I am at medical mysteries.”  
   
Tobin chuckled, “Shouldn’t you be best at medical mysteries since that’s your job.”  
   
“Hey, I could have a side job in people mysteries.” She quickly replied.  
   
“Are you a private eye?”  
   
“We prefer to be called private dicks,” she smiled.  
   
Tobin shook her head, laughing lightly, “Okay detective, would you like to come to the cabin and drink some beers and figure out a mystery with Kelley and me?”  
   
Christen pretended to think for a second before saying, “I’d love to.”  
   
“Awesome, I knew I could count on you.”  
   
Before they could say anything else, Tiffany came through the door talking a mile a minute about patients in the lobby and Christen was off to take care of business, but not before another quick kiss and a promise to make it to the cabin as soon as she could.  
   
   
Tobin walked out the clinic, the ghost feeling of soft lips still on hers. This was a thing now too, something she was still getting used to. Christen kissed her, when they saw each other, when they said goodbye, and sometimes randomly when Christen came close. It was always soft, nothing too much, but still serving to make Tobin feel like she was floating, like every nerve in her body was getting a signal all at the same time. This woman, this amazing being, she was energizing, invigorating in a way that made Tobin want to do absolutely everything all at once, like she could run a marathon or lift two hundred pounds over her head, or something else she use to do when she was twenty-two and in perfect shape physically and mentally.  
   
There was a point in her life when being in shape wasn’t a question, it wasn’t something she ever had to worry about. She would wake up and run, go to work and then the gym, and that was just life. She had a six pack, no, a eight pack, she counted once, or Sofia did while she just laid there. When she was twenty-two her arms where like bazookas, her legs where tree trunks, her chest solid enough to take a bullet. She always had a lean frame, the weird fit right between medium and small, then she put on pounds of muscle and pushed the end of medium in the best way. When she was twenty-two she could run the 26.216 miles it took for a marathon, she could swim the length of an olympic size swimming pool there and back twenty times without stopping, she could deadlift 250 lbs and bench 200 lbs without breaking a sweat. When she was twenty-two she could say the slickest things without even thinking, she could make a girls eyes light up, make them follow her around like a balloon on a string. When she was twenty-two and getting outfitted in all black, shiny brass bars on the collar of her shirts, Tobin was ‘the man’ she was It. Now, looking in the mirror of her truck, she had no idea who she was, but she was making a promise to herself to figure it out, find that person, and be who she had been when she was twenty-two.

 

—

 

The cabin seemed different now that they had a focus, Tobin on Christen and Kelley on finding radio girl. There were a few weeks when the gloom of the outside seemed to be on the inside, like a cloud hanging on the ceiling waiting for the pressure to be just right and rain all over the place. They were out of sync, it hadn’t happened very often, the two of them not clicking together the way they usually did, most of the time it was one of them being sad and the other not being able to match the emotion, but there was something else off for a while; Tobin tried not to think about it, they were all good now, completely in sync, two guitar strings vibrating at the same frequency, in tune, no waves, perfect. 

 

“I’m back,” Tobin called as she closed the door. 

Kelley popped up from behind the counter, “How’s the doctor?”

“Great,” she smiled, walking over to the kitchen, “She’s had a rough day, but she’s going to come up tonight.”

“Sweet,” Kelley said, not really paying attention to Tobin, “Have you seen the small pot?”

“It’s in the garage,” she replied.

Kelley looked over at her confused, “What’s it doing in there?”

“Not sure,” Tobin bit her bottom lip, a question coming to mind, something she didn’t really want to ask, but she needed an answer, and Kelley was the best person to provide one, “Am I cool?”

“What?” She stopped moving for a second to focus on the question. 

With a deep breath she repeated, “Am I cool?”

“Oh,” She settled in her stance, “No.”

“Seriously, Kels,” she cried. 

“Oh, you mean seriously,” she smiled. “Then, definitely not.”

Tobin crossed her arms, a little offended by the answer, “Why?”

“Why aren’t you cool?” she asked confused. “Because you’re not.” She watched Tobin shift uncomfortably, “What’s making you ask?”

“I just…” she hesitated knowing her best friend was not the best person to talk to about all of this, mainly because she wouldn’t take it seriously, “I feel like such a loser around Chris.”

Kelley stepped back to lean against the counter, “Why?”

“Because, she’s so… I don’t know… cool.”

“Wait,” her eyes lit up, her freckled face splitting into a huge smile, “You think Chris is cool?” She watched Tobin’s face twist in confusion, “You think Dr. Christen Press is cool.” She started to crack up, holding her hands to her stomach to keep from tipping over. “Oh god, you have serious heart eyes.”

Tobin knitted her eyebrow, “What?”

“Heart eyes,” she repeated still laughing loudly, “It’s what people get when they are falling in love. They think the other person is so great, that everything they do is the best. You think Chris is cool.”

“She is!” Tobin cried. 

“No, she’s not,” Kelley settled, only a few chuckles coming out, “She’s a dork, and so are you.”

Tobin turned to walk out of the kitchen, Kelley reaching out to grab her arm and pull her back, “No, you’re being an ass.”

“No, stop.” Kelley softened her voice, “Really, Tobs, stop.” She pulled her enough to force her to turn around. “I’m sorry, I should’ve been more delicate, I know how you can get.”

“I don’t understand,” she said frustrated, “I use to be so cool.”

“Yeah, you used to be bitchin, but that was back in the day dude.” She put her hand on Tobin’s shoulder, “That was when all we cared about was kicking ass and getting drunk. We were different people back then. You can’t expect to be the same person you were when you were eighteen. We’re twenty-eight Tobin, it’s not going to be the same.”

“I just,” she reached up running her hand through her hair, taking a step back and doing a small spin, “I don’t want her to realize…”

“That you’re a dork,” Kelley finished her thought, “But you are, and that’s okay. Seriously, you can’t see it, but the Doc, she’s kind of a nerd, but in like a sexy way.” She watched the corner of Tobin’s mouth twitch into a small smile. “You know what your problem is? You think you’re not good enough for her, and that’s what has you all twisted up in your confidence. Guess what? You’re pretty fucking amazing, and you are good enough… just barely… but you make the cut.”

She reached out giving the silly girl a little shove, “Thanks, ass.”

“No problem, loser.” She said with a quick wink.

So she wasn’t twenty-two, she wasn’t this 2% body fat warrior who only had to smile to make panties drop. She was still Tobin Fucking Heath, and that still meant something. Maybe it was time she showed it.

 

—

 

Night came quicker in the winter, the sun setting within a few hours of it rising. The cold dark days were the worst, Kelley liked the sun, she liked to go out and hike, she liked sitting by the lake, fishing, talking with people, filling her day with activities that took her mind off everything. The winter, she spent most of her time indoors, usually tinkering with one thing or another. Normally she would be in the garage with Tobin, listening to her friend curse as they both tried to fix something for someone, but today she was inside, cooking her favorite winter meal. 

Christen was on her way, which surprisingly made Kelley excited. She didn’t spend a lot of time with the woman, but in the time they did spend together she figured out that she liked Christen, she was even starting to trust her, not with her own problems, but she didn’t worry about Tobin as much. They usually exchanged a few words whenever she came to the cabin, always knocking on the door and sparking a short conversation. She always came to the front door, Christen knew Tobin was in the garage, that’s where the mechanic always was, yet she came to the cabin, knocked on the door pretending to look for Tobin, eventually Kelley realized that she was only coming to the cabin to talk to her, which was nice. Tonight was no different, a soft knock on the door, Kelley knew it belonged to the young doctor. 

“Hey,” she said cheerfully as she opened the door.

“Hey Kels,” Christen smiled, happy to be able to use the woman’s nick name with such ease, “Where’s Tobin?”

“Garage,” Kelley replied as per usual. “How was your day?”

Christen rolled her eyes, “Do not get me started.”

She nodded with a small grin, “You want a beer?”

“God yes,” she huffed, her head falling back a little as she moved into the room. “I’ll take ten, if you have it.”

“We have plenty,” she told her. “Come in, get warm, and complain, I’m all ears.”

“What about Tobin?” Christen looked towards the door, “Should I go get her?”

“She can see your car,” Kelley waved her hand, then closed the door over, “She’ll come in when she’s ready.”

They walked into the kitchen, the smell of roasted deer meat and French onion soup wafting through the air. Kelley went into the fridge and pulled two beers out, popping the lids and handing one to Christen. 

“It smells like heaven,” Christen said with her first sip. 

Kelley lifted the lid from the pot allowing more of the scent to fill the air, “Wait till you taste it.”

The younger woman leaned against the counter, “Do you usually cook?”

“Yeah,” she snickered, “Toby sucks at cooking,” she turned to flash a smile, “Good luck with that.”

“I don’t mind cooking,” she glossed over the idea of cooking for Tobin in the future, “It’s kind of soothing after a long day.”

She nodded, knowing the feeling of coming home to something as simple as cooking a meal, “So what happened today, why are you so stressed.”

Christen took a long pull of her beer, “Flu season.”

 

—

 

The sound of the small engine had taken Tobin out of her thoughts, she looked over to see that Christen had pulled into the compound. There was a pull to go to the house, see the woman she desperately wanted to see, but there was a ritual in place, a thing they did every night without fail. Christen would spend a few minutes with Kelley, small talk that was bringing the two most important women in her life closer, and if it was going to work, making them friends Tobin had to play her part. 

There weren’t many women before Sofia, and there was clearly no woman after her except the very tentative relationship she was currently building, but every girl, no matter what, had to have Kelley’s approval. Her first girlfriend, they were in the seventh grade, and Tobin was kinda tall and lanky and had a mouth full of braces and a hair cut that didn’t suit her, and yet a girl, cute in the way early 2000’s teenagers were cute in their hoodies with self made thumb holes in the sleeves and flared legged jeans, this girl smiled at Tobin in a way that made her nervous and excited. Being gay, that was new, that was rare, that was something she was still trying to understand, and yet she knew what the smile meant, she knew what the piece of paper folded into a tiny triangle and thrusted into her hand by the girls best friend meant. She and Kelley opened it together, they read the note, it said she was cute, it said that the girl liked her wrist band (the one she bought from Hot Topic a few weeks ago), it said the girl liked her, it asked if she wanted to be her girlfriend, it was written in gel pen and had a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’ at the end, something Tobin was supposed to circle and get back. So, with a clickable multicolored pen, she chose the color green and circled yes and folded the note back into its triangle shape and forced Kelley to hand the note to the girls best friend. 

She had a girlfriend, that easy, that simple. She was nice, sweet even, and Kelley thought she was cool, which meant Tobin thought she was cool. They ate lunch together, they held hands, and went to the movies, where they had their first kiss. They broke up in a month because Tobin was busy with soccer tryouts and they girl was angry that they didn’t spend after school together. It hurt, but wasn’t a big deal, and Kelley was there for it all, always approving, always giving advice. Over the years Kelley was always girl crazy, always looking for a girlfriend, and mostly scoring them with her charm, while Tobin sat in the back cheering her on, and the girls like Tobin, she talked to them, she dated a few of them, always with Kelley by her side. 

Somewhere between senior year and joining the Marines, girls, women, that all became easy, and suddenly she didn’t have to try. It was overnight she gained some kind of appeal, maybe it was the confidence she had, maybe it was the fact that she wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend, maybe it was the fact that she was in the best shape of her life and had no problem showing off. Whatever it was, it was easy, she had charm, she had swag, she had backwards hats and low cut jeans, and a trick that worked every single time. Her move, a head nod, it was subtle, simple, a look across the room, a slight smile, and a head nod, a kind of bob, a quick upwards motion without breaking eye contact, hold for three mississippi’s and then look away. Every time. That shit worked every time. Except Sofia. 

The only girl to not fall for her trick, for her thing, to not deep drive into her baby browns and tan skin, to not get sucked in with her peacocking, her arms spread wide to show how tone she was, her slightly ignoring her whenever they hung out, the talking up, the guitar in hand, the cocky asshole nature that made so many women, girls, fall in love with Tobin Heath. She put in work with Sofia, opened herself up in a way she never had before, showed her true self, shared her deepest and darkest secrets and fell hard like an egg hitting the floor cracking open and spilling everything out, a mess, a complete utter wreck, and that worked, because it wasn’t a game, she was truly in love, and no longer needed to be cool, she just needed to be herself, and that was the hardest thing in the world. 

Sofia was the only woman she and Kelley ever truly talked about, like a sit down, let’s figure this out conversation. She was the one her best friend warned her about, the woman that would break into their lives and change everything, and she was right. Kelley asked seriously if it was love, if it was for real, if it was forever, and when Tobin answered yes, that was all she needed. Soon, they became best friends, Sofia and Kelley, texting each other, talking about Tobin when she wasn’t around, and of course Tobin took the opportunity to do the same with Emily when she got a chance, and that was their lives, two couples, best friends, sharing everything, there lives so intertwined it was hard to tell one from the other. That’s what Tobin hoped for now, with Christen. She wanted Kelley to talk to her, to get to know her, for Christen to know Kelley as the amazing person she was, because if Kelley didn’t approve it would be hard to move forward, and if Christen didn’t like Kelley it would be impossible. 

As she walked toward the house, noticing she had been alone for half and hour while Christen was in the cabin, she stopped at the front door, listening to the sounds inside, Kelley saying something while Christen laughed loudly and sincerely. She opened the door slowly, hoping to get a look at the scene before being noticed. Christen was leaned against the counter, a beer in hand, hair flowing down curly and perfect, Kelley was at the stove, stirring a spoon into a pot, her voice echoing in the large room as she told a story about she and Tobin’s past, an embarrassing one from the first day Tobin had braces and ate spinach pizza, and Christen laughed, her head thrown back, her arms holding her stomach, as Kelley painted the perfect cringe worthy picture, the two of them sharing a perfect moment. They were friends, she shouldn’t have worried, how could they not be, they were both amazing. Now all she needed to complete this whole thing was the cool she left back in the past.

 

“Hey,” Tobin called out as she came into the house.

Christen turned, “Hey, you had braces.”

“Yes I did,” she smiled, walking into the kitchen. She turned to her friend, “Thanks for telling her.”

“That’s what I’m here for dude,” Kelley giggled. 

Christen grabbed Tobin’s arm, pulling her in, “Well you have nice teeth.”

“Thanks,” Tobin smiled, easily leaning in to plant a quick kiss on Christen’s lips, “Are you guys in here just talking trash about me?”

“Pretty much,” Kelley shrugged, “Dirt on you is my favorite subject.”

“And you are my favorite subject,” Christen said sweetly giving her arm a light squeeze. 

Tobin could feel the butterflies in her stomach, this was going to be a long night is Christen was going to say things like that, and look like she does. 

“Shouldn’t we be talking about the mission?” Tobin suggested as she grabbed a beer from the fridge. 

“Oh, yes, the mystery,” Christen cheered, “What’s the deal.”

“The deal, young doctor, is a silky voiced goddess that must be identified.” Kelley told her, holding her soup covered mixing spoon out droplets getting on the floor. 

Tobin grabbed the towel from the counter, bending down to clean the mess, “It’s radio girl. Have you listened to her?” She looked up at Christen, right into a smile and wide eyes, and again the butterflies made their presence known, yeah a really long night.

“She reads books on air,” Kelley said quickly, “You’ve heard it, right?”

“Can’t say that I have,” Christen told them, “When does it come on?”

Tobin stood up straight, “In about an hour. We thought you could help because you know everyone, and you can tell us if you know the voice.”

“So you want me to ID a woman’s voice on the radio so Kelley can track her down?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Saying it like that makes us sound like stalkers,” Kelley said. 

“Not stalkers,” Christen chuckled, “Just weird, but whatever, I’m down.”

Kelley turned to Tobin, “Your girl rocks.”

Tobin was about to correct her, tell Kelley that Christen wasn’t her girl, not yet, but when Christen confirmed that she did indeed rock, Tobin shut her mouth and let it go. Maybe they were something, maybe she was her girl, at least partially. Could you be someone’s partial girl, semi-girl, or half a girl, that sounded bad, something more elegant than that. What was the part in a relationship where you didn’t have a label but kissed when you saw each other and were also obsessed with seeing each other but also wanting to take it slow so no one get’s hurt? Was there a name for that? Whatever that was, they were that, and it was nice. 

 

—

 

Five beers, a full meal, two random shots of liquor, and two hours into _Alice in Wonderland_ the three of them were sitting around the coffee table, calm and happy. Kelley was crossed legged on the ground, sipping a beer, her eyes closed as she listened to the end of the section where Alice meets the Queen of hearts. Tobin was on the couch, sitting on the left side, her arm resting on the arm rest, a beer in hand, trying her hardest not to look over at Christen on the other side of the couch looking as comfortable as anyone could look. 

After the meal, when they all decided to gather around the short table to chill, Christen had stripped off her sweater and was now in a short sleeved white t-shirt that Tobin could see the outline of her bra, and was having a very hard time not looking at it, tracing it with her eyes, imagining things she wasn’t ready to imagine. She placed herself a full couch cushion away from the alluring woman in an attempt to keep her facilities and the alcohol coursed through her veins whispering naughty things into her brain, suggesting that she take several steps with Christen in the next few minutes. They were on a mission, and Tobin needed to pay attention to that, not they way Christen pushed her hair behind her ear revealing a part of her neck that looked like it was the perfect spot to place a kiss. 

“So, Doc,” Kelley broke everyone out of there slightly drunk lull, “Name that voice.”

Christen took the brown bottle from the table, pouring liquid into a cup and bringing it up to her, “Sorry Kels, I have no idea who that is.”

“Nooo,” Kelley whined, “But you know everyone.”

“I know most people,” she corrected as she took a sip from her drink, “But there are still a lot of people who won’t come into the office. Some people are afraid of doctors. Sorry Kels.”

“Well this sucks,” Kelley huffed, her hands landing in her lap, “At least we had fun.”

“True,” Christen giggled taking another quick drink, “Tobin, you don’t know who that is?”

In all honesty Tobin was lost in thought, halfway between drunk and slightly turned on was the point in time when she retreated into her mind and let her thoughts run wild. She turned at the sound of her name, “What?”

“That voice,” Christen explained her question, “I mean everyone comes to you for vehicles. That girls’ never come to you for anything.”

“Oh,” Tobin sat up straight, “No, at least I don’t think so. I mean, this has been a mystery for a few years.” She put her bottle up to her lips and shrugged before downing the half a beer and getting up from the couch, needing a moment to refocus her thoughts. 

Kelley got up and went to the radio, plugging in the old iPod that was sitting next to it, putting on music. “Figures, you know, I’ll never figure this out, maybe I should give up.”

“No,” Christen called out, getting up from her seat, “I only see people in 34, that girl could be broadcasting from anywhere in what, a hundred mile radius? Maybe she isn’t part of this town. I can maybe ask around, doctor to doctor type shit, figure out if anyone else knows.”

“You’d do that for me? Doctor to doctor shit?” Kelleys asked with wide eyes. 

“I’d do a ton of doctor shit for you Kels,” Christen laughed, “We got this. We will figure out who radio girl is.”

Kelley threw her arms around Christen’s neck pulling her in for a tight hug. “You’re the best.” She let go, running to the kitchen and hugging Tobin, “Seriously, your girl is the best. She might even be better than you. She might even be my new best friend.”

“That’s cool,” Tobin shrugged, “I’ve been in the market for a new friend anyways. I’ll see if Alex wants to be my bestie.”

“Don’t you dare,” Kelley said quickly pointing an accusatory finger at her friend, “You know Lex scares me.”

“Alex Morgan scares you?” Christen chuckled, walking towards the group. 

“Yes, she’s scary… in a sexy way.” Kelley confirmed, leaning into the fridge for another drink, “Have you seen her eyes, blue and intense like she’s seen some shit.”

“She seems nice to me, I mean she’s a school teacher.” Christen shrugged. 

“She’s super sweet,” Kelley said quickly. “But it’s always the ones you least expect.”

Tobin chuckled to herself, shaking her head at her best friend, knowing her theory that Alex was some kind of secret badass. She listened to the radio, a smooth guitar playing a simple riff, lyrics, a male voice, clear and full of emotion, pulling Tobin into the second stage of being drunk, a serene sense of security and suddenly all the things she had hidden away started to come out. She moved, a little dance in her step, as she walked to her room, her mind hazy and happy.

“Looks like you get to see drunk happy Tobin.” Kelley told Christen as they watched the girl walk into the room.

Christen smiled, “I’ve seen drunk Tobin.”

“But have you seen drunk _Happy_ Tobin?”

She turned her head a little to the side, “What’s the difference between drunk Tobin and drunk Happy Tobin?”

“You,” Kelley said simply. She turned to the woman next to her, who looked shocked by the answer. “You are making her happy.”

Christen stood tall, her heart warming, a feeling of pride filling her, “She’s making me happy.”

“Good. Because she deserves it.” Kelley said with a little cough, clearly trying to move out of the conversation. “Drunk Happy Tobin is pretty awesome.” She said as she walked towards the living room.

“Whys’ that?” Christen followed behind her, taking a seat in her spot on the couch. 

Kelley listened to the soft sound coming from behind the door, something she hadn’t heard in a long time. Tobin was singing along to the music. “Because, she sings.”

Christen perked up, as the door opened, Tobin now in a grey t-shirt, hair pulled up in a messy bun. The sound of a violin and cello in perfect harmony came onto the speakers filling the air, and along with the voice on the song, Tobin sung out. 

“Are we better off believing, What the ignorance suggests?” She moved into the living room, her eyes closed, “I wish living life was easy, But mine has been a mess.” She grabbed her beer from the table, “They say it comes with the seasons, But the seasons come and go, they go,” In one motion she sat down on the couch, leaning her head back agains the pillows, “I go blurry when I'm thinking. Is it me or vertigo?”

In awe, Christen watched as Tobin softly sang along to the music. Her voice was low, with a slight rumble as she hit the low notes. Her eyes were closed, like the music was taking her away from everything expect that moment, those lyrics, this song. As the chorus came, she switched perfectly into a falsetto that made Christen melt. She couldn’t take her eyes off the woman laying on the couch, nodding her head to the bass and synth drums echoing through the room. She could feel herself frozen in time with Tobin, she remembered what JB had said, that all the girls flocked around her when she sang, and Christen now understood why. In this moment, as simple as it was, in an old t-shirt with the collar slightly stretched, a pair of dark blue jeans with a hole in the knee, a small lock of hair falling out of the messy bun, Tobin Heath was perfect in a way that couldn’t be described. 

As if she could feel the pair of eyes on her, Tobin turned her head and smiled, “Hey.” She whispered. 

“Hey,” Christen whispered back, a smile plastered across her face, “This is a good song.”

“I love it.” She replied happily, her eyes low.

“Me too,” she had never heard the song before, this was the first time ever experiencing the notes in the air, and yet it was now her favorite song, and it would be forever if Tobin was singing it.

 

—

 

It was late, and they were all drunk, and Kelley was getting to the point in her night when she just wanted to move around. She jumped up, letting them know she was going to the garage to work on stuff, and she would see them in the morning. 

Christen and Tobin were left alone, both of them standing up awkwardly, not knowing what to do or say. They spent an extra hour after radio girl had gone off air, listening to music and talking, and as the second yawn escaped Christen’s lips, it was finally time for bed. 

“You can stay in my room,” Tobin said taking a few steps towards her door.

“I don’t want to kick you out of your bed,” she yawned again, covering her mouth with her hand, “I can sleep out here.”

Tobin watched as the cute woman struggled to keep her eyes open, “No, sleep in my room, really, it’s not a problem.”

In an early, less drunk time Christen would have argued, in a later more drunk time she may have suggested they both take the bed, but this wasn’t the time, and she was exhausted, and nothing sounded better than a bed.  
“Okay,” she said simply, walking towards the room, “If you’re sure.”

Tobin chuckled at how easily she won, “I am.”

They walked in together, her room wasn’t much, as simple as a room gets, a little embarrassing how simple, but it was neat and clean, and warm. Christen looked around for a second, taking in all the little things that made it Tobin’s room, the book on the night stand, the footlocker squared perfectly with the bed frame, the tightly made bed. She looked back at Tobin and smiled.

“I like it.” 

Tobin shrugged, “There’s not much to like.”

“There’s a lot to say in the things that aren’t here,” she said as she moved into the center of the room. She looked over to the nightstand, reaching down to pick up the slim book, “You’re reading _One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich_.”

“Oh, yeah,” Tobin mumbled reaching out for the book, “I just started two nights ago, it’s kind of depressing.”

“It’s really depressing,” Christen grinned, “I read it in high school.” She opened the book to the page marked. Before she got a chance to read the page she was on she focused on the bookmark, a beat up photograph. “What’s this?”

“Nothing,” Tobin said in an airy voice, “Just an old photo.”

Christen studied it, recognizing three faces, younger and happier, but familiar, “Is this from when you were in the Marines? That’s you…” she pointed at the photo, “That’s Kelley, and that’s JB.”

“Yeah,” Tobin reached out taking the photo between two fingers looking down at it, “That was a long time ago.”

“You look so young,” Christen smiled, coming close to take another look at the picture, “But who are the others?”

Tobin swallowed hard, “The rest of the squad.” She pointed at the people in the photo, “That’s Nick, he was our medic, and Matt our intelligence officer and Morgan our sniper.”

Christen looked over at Tobin, “What kind of team was this?”

She snorted, pushing the photo back into the book, “A good one.” She said simply. “Don’t worry about it.” She put the book back on the nightstand trying her best to smile.

It was clearly something Tobin didn’t want to talk about so Christen left it alone, “Thanks for inviting me over,” she changed the subject, “I had so much fun.”

“Good,” Tobin nodded a true smile coming to her face, “I like having you around.”

“I like being around,” she moved closer to her, balancing her arms on Tobin’s shoulders, “I like you.”

“I like you too,” she chuckled.

Christen leaned in connecting their lips. Tobin could feel herself moving in closer letting their bodies touch, the liquor warming her insides, the boldness of the past coming up in the moment. She let her hands fall to Christen’s waist, her fingers itching to go a little lower. She could feel Christen’s hand in her hair ensuring their lips stayed connected. Tobin let the kiss take her away, float into the air, fly away into the night, freeing her as she felt Christen ever so slightly slip her tongue past her lips. Tobin could feel herself heating up, fingers tapping on the soft skin at the small of her back, her body wanting a lot more. She had to stop, or this would move way past what they were ready for. 

“I should go,” Tobin breathed out, pulling away from the woman. 

Christen took a deep breath, “Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.”

“I’ll uh…” she looked up mistakingly connecting with Christen’s remarkably green eyes, momentarily getting sucked back into her beauty and debating with herself whether or not she should actually leave. She shook her head, knowing this was for the best, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Right,” Christen smiled, “Good night.”

“Night,” Tobin said quickly, choosing not to look back at her, knowing it would only lead to her wanting to kiss her again. 

She quickly left the room, stopping in her tracks from a second, thinking about going back into the room, thinking about all the things that she wanted to do even though she knew she couldn’t. After a quick inward discussion she decided it was best to leave the cabin all together, if she stayed in the living room, the liquor would compel her to go back into the room, finish what she had slightly started and what she knew she could not finish. 

 

The garage was lit up, music playing softly in the back ground. Tobin walked into the building sliding the door closed behind her and finding Kelley at her desk, her glasses on her face as she studied a circuitboard. 

“What are you doing out here?” Kelley asked with a smirk. 

“Came to see you,” she slurred, dropping into the chair next to Kelley’s work desk, “What are you working on.”

“Uh, nothing,” Kelley looked behind her towards the cabin, “Shouldn’t you be working on something right now, like the crazy hot doctor in the cabin who couldn’t stop taking your clothes off with her eyes.”

Tobin let her head fall backwards, “I can’t, you know that.”

“You can,” she laughed, “It’s easy, she wants you, so you know, go… do it.”

“Not yet,” She huffed, wrapping her arms around herself, regretting not grabbing her jacket, “We don’t even know what we are yet.”

Kelley pushed her glasses up on her head, “Have you even asked?”

“Nope?” She grinned, “I’m way too scared.”

“I don’t think you have to be, dude. I mean, that woman is infatuated with you.”

“No way.” She laughed shaking her head.

“Way,” she smiled at her clearly drunk friend, “You should just ask her what you guys are, easy peasy.”

“Says you,” Tobin huffed.

“Says everyone.” She chuckled. 

A silence fell between them, Kelley focusing back on her work, Tobin sitting hunched in the chair, her mind working out scenarios of talking to Christen about what they were. Before she let herself fall into an anxiety fueled panic attack, she sunk down into her seat and looked up at Kelley. 

“She saw that old picture, the one with us in Korea.”

Kelley paused, “Where was that?”

“In my book,” she said softly, “I use it as a bookmark.”

“Why?”

Tobin thought about the answer, there wasn’t one really, “I don’t know.” 

Kelley spoke without looking over to her best friend, “What have you told her?”

“Nothing really,” she answered her face twisting, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’ll have to eventually.” She went back to working, “She’ll need to know one day.”

“Yeah,” Tobin took a deep breath, “One day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Tobin is singing is "Vertigo" by Khalid.
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting and generally being awesome. I know everyone is curious about Tobin and Kelley's past, and its coming up in the next chapter.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Tobin and Kelley's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entire chapter, besides the first paragraph, is all flashback. The HTML has been strange and normally I have to italicize every paragraph, and I'm not going to do that, so everything after the ~~~ is flash back. 
> 
> There is a small portion that talks about suicide, I bolded it out, it's only two sentences but I don't want anyone to be shocked by it. 
> 
>  
> 
> I named off some Marine Special Operations group, but it's not too confusing.

Guilt has a way of eating away at you, spoiling everything that you do. Like sour milk in your coffee or mold on your bread. It seeps into your life in unsuspecting places, a semi solid substance running into your body and filling all the cracks. Guilt can control your life, a silent engine humming in the background, a white noise, a small nuisance, an ever present force ready to ruin the very best of things. Guilt was good that way, it could take any shape or form, transform itself into anything in order to come into your life and take over. Guilt was a sledgehammer to the chest. It was a kick to the back of the knee. It was a tidal wave knocking you deep under water. It was a hangover with a splitting headache and an old photograph reminding you of a life once lived.

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The parking lot to the flight line was packed, hundreds of cars carried hundreds of people to the giant hangar for Operation Welcome Home. It was a stupid name, the military had a thing about names and labels, and they loved the first word in those names to be Operation, as if this was some kind of giant military movement that was somehow helping in the war, there was no helping this war, nothing anyone could do to change the course of it, what it had done, what it had taken from so many people. Operation Welcome Home was just a way to give hope to the people who were losing the most, and even though it seemed stupid at least it was a good day.

Sofia put her car in park, she looked into the rearview mirror, quickly checked her hair and make up, frowned at the lack of everything that could possibly make her look nice, her uniform, and all the regulations that went with it prevented her from really dressing up. She would have to settle for the eyeliner, the neutral lipstick, and the tight bun her hair was required to be in. She grabbed her eight point hat, pulling it on her head before jumping out the car and heading to the door. As she got further in the parking lot she could see a huge plane on the flight line, it was taxing towards the back apron, that had to be Tobin’s plane, which meant she was going to be late. In her boots and jungle patterned cargo pants she started to jog, there was no way she was going to miss her wife getting off the plane. 

The hanger was filled to the edges with families all standing around, some had signs, some had flowers and balloons anything they could think of to make their Marine feel special when they walked into the hangar. Sofia looked around, cursing her height as she searched for the one other person who was there to see Tobin come home. She stood on her tiptoes, jumping up a few times hoping to spot a forest brown bun and slightly tan freckled skin, her third jump she felt a buzz in her front pocket. 

**Kelley:** The steps on the left… shorty

She turned to see a small flight of stairs leading to an office, Kelley standing at the top waving her hand. As politely as she could, Sofia made her way through the crowd, climbing to the third step of the stairs next to Kelley. 

“I didn’t miss anything, right?” She asked, settling into her spot, turning to watch for the hangar doors to open. 

“Nope,” Kelley told her, “They just landed, they’re going to bus in.”

“Bus?” Sofia cried, “Why?”

Kelley shrugged, even though her friend was not looking at her, “Apparently there are a ton of people coming home. Two planes landed, so they are going to bus them all here at the same time.”

Letting out a frustrated breath of air, “Why can’t they just bus Tobin here?”

“I wish,” Kelley snorted, “You’re anxious.”

“I am,” she leaned against the brown painted railing, “I miss her.” She took her phone out her pocket, maybe Tobin would text, let them know when the bus was moving, “Are you nervous about talking to her?”

She took a huge breath in holding it for a few seconds before breathing out, “Yeah, no, kind of. I don’t know, what do you think she’ll say?”

“I think she’ll be happy for you,” she answered honestly, “I know you two were going to retire together, but this is what’s best for you and Em.”

“I know,” Kelley lowered her head to watch her hands tossing in each other, “I just don’t want her to be upset with me. The plan was to do a full twenty years, then retire, live in the old town, have a family, all that.”

“That’s what you’re doing.” 

“Yeah, but I’m cutting out early.” Kelley looked up giving a nervous smile, “I’m leaving sixteen years too soon.”

“You and Em want a family,” Sofia said softly, “The best thing for you is to get out, go back home and start your family.”

“Tobin wants a family,” Kelley said almost in protest.

Sofia nodded a few times, her own nervousness coming up, “I know she does, and so do I… Just not yet. We have barely had a chance to even be our own family, I have no idea how to add another human into the mix.”

“Maybe…” she started, not knowing if she should suggest it, “If you have a baby, she’ll want to stay home more often.”

“This deployment wasn’t her choice,” she defended her wife, “This was something they asked her to do.”

“Two times in a row?” Kelley said with a hint of anger in her voice. “I just think sometimes it’s easier for her out there.”

“Maybe,” she shrugged, “Whatever it is, I don’t think a baby is the solution.”

 

The last time Sofia saw her wife, they were fighting as Tobin packed her bag for the third time in a year and a half. She had returned from her two month deployment in Siberia, and suddenly, three weeks later she was off to somewhere she couldn’t say. The military had called on her yet again, asked her to go somewhere and do something. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Tobin didn’t seem like she wanted to go, smiling as she told Sofia the news, packing her bag as if the time away didn’t matter, not to her, not to their relationship, not to anyone. So they fought, Tobin was as calm as ever as Sofia blew up, flying into a rage, unable to contain her anger at the Marines, at Tobin, at the war; they fought and Tobin left.

It had been three months, and the fight was never really resolved. They didn’t speak for two weeks, then on a random night Tobin called but connection was terrible so they barely spoke, again two weeks later they spoke for five minutes, then she was radio silent for months up until three days ago when she called to let everyone know she’d be home. 

Sofia could feel her heart start to pound in her chest, who was coming off that plane, the Tobin that was angry, the Tobin that didn’t want to talk, or her Tobin, the woman she loved. They had never gone this long without talking, even when she was gone, they spoke almost everyday, they fixed their problems over the phone or on video chat, there was never a time when they didn’t stop everything to fix them, this time it was almost as if Tobin didn’t want to solve the problem, didn’t want anything to do with the relationship. 

At night, when she fell asleep, the bed empty, the room quiet without Tobin breathing next to her, Sofia imagined her wife coming off the plane, taking one look at her and asking for a divorce. She imagined Tobin telling her that they shouldn’t have gotten married, that it was all a mistake, that she didn’t want anything to do with her. She thought about the worse, and it broke her heart every single time. Now standing here, waiting on a bus to drop her off, she could feel those feelings bubbling to the surface. 

 

Cheering started, children bouncing up and down as the giant hangar doors opened and busses came into view. Sofia turned to watch as the vehicles lined up three in a row, and the noise level reached a high as the doors opened and Marines started to step off the busses and into their loved ones arms. 

Kelley stood close to her friend, as they both searched for the one person they were so desperate to see. “Where is she?”

“Probably the last one to get off,” Sofia said, forcing a small laugh. “You know how she is.”

“True,” she answered, craning her neck to see everyone climb down the bus steps. 

It seemed like a thousand people came off the bus, all of them being scooped up into huge hugs, ecstatic to see those who waited for them. As the doors to the first bus closed, as the last person on the second bus came down the steps, Sofia looked over to the third bus, and as if closed it doors, her heart dropped. 

“What the hell?” Kelley said, as the busses started to move from their parking spots, “Where the hell is Tobin?”

“She didn’t come home.” The words came out quickly and the minute she said them Sofia could feel the acid in her mouth.

“No,” Kelley lookied around to make sure they didn’t just miss her, “She wouldn’t do that.”

“She would,” Sofia spit out, her mouth turning dry, “She was pretty mad when she left.”

“But she called,” Kelley stood flat foot, her eyes still searching the crowd, “She wouldn’t call, get our hopes up, then not come home. She was pissed, but not pissed enough to do that.”

“I don’t know,” she said, her anger turning to sadness, “I don’t know anything anymore.”

Kelley could feel her skin starting to heat up. The last time she saw Tobin, they talked about the possibility of getting out the military. Kelley was hopeful her best friend would want to go live a different life with her, go home, be married, have a family, but that was just a dream. Tobin wasn’t ready to leave the Marines, and it seemed like the Marines weren’t ready to leave her either because she was on a bus the next day leaving without explanation or a time frame when she’d return. 

“What do we do?” Sofia asked, her voice sounding small.

Kelley stoped searching the crowd, knowing her best friend wasn’t in it, “I’ll take you home.”

They were ready to give up, when two black SUV’s pulled into the hangar. Kelley looked over at the vehicles, the windows too dark to see inside. The back door opened, and out stepped Tobin, dressed in black, her hair pulled back, black metal sunglasses shining on her face. A man stepped out behind her, tapped her on the shoulder. Tobin turned and smiled at him, saying something that made them both laugh. As upset as Sofia was, she couldn’t help but smile when Tobin did, it had been three months, but that smile still made her melt. 

“What’s going on?” Kelley asked. 

“No idea.”

Together, confused, they watched Tobin take a black duffle bag out of the truck of the giant vehicle. She shook a few hands, said some words to a few people, then headed into the crowd, her head on a swivel as she searched for the two women on the steps. 

“Tobin,” Kelley called out as she got closer, “Over here dude.”

Through all the noise Tobin could recognize her friends voice. She looked over to the steps, a smile spreading across her face. She took off her sunglasses as she pushed her way through the crowd. 

There she was, Sofia could almost hear the blood rushing in her veins, her heart slamming against her chest. The butterflies in her stomach were more like birds as the flapped around, making her feel like she could take off and fly. The moment Tobin got close enough, she didn’t get a chance to think, the negative images her imagination created taking a back seat as she jumped off the second step launching herself into Tobin’s arms, wrapping her legs around her waist as she let Tobin pull her in close.

“I missed you,” Tobin breathed into Sofia’s neck, “I missed you so much.”

That’s all she needed to here, the gravel in her wife’s voice, the desperate way she said the phrase, the feeling of her arms so tight around her body she thought she might pop, that’s all that Sofia needed to be sure, she pulled herself in closer, burying her face in the crook of Tobin’s neck, needing to feel as much of her as she possibly could. 

“I missed you too.” She cried, the tears starting to roll down her cheeks, “I love you.”

“I love you.” Tobin said, pulling her head back just enough to look up at her hazel eyes sparkling even as tears came. She leaned in kissing her so hard it knocked the wind out of both of them, Tobin clinging desperately to her, as she tried in that singular moment to let her know how sorry she was, how much she missed her, how much she meant. “I love you so much, I am so sorry.”

Sofia pulled back, her hands on both sides of Tobin’s face, she looked down into the deep brown eyes, “No, baby, I’m sorry. I missed you. I missed you so much. I love you.”

“No, no, no,” Tobin cried, her own tears finding their way down her cheeks, “This was all me, and I am sorry. I will be better.”

“Shhh,” Sofia leaned in again capturing her lips, this kiss was slower, gentler, their way of making up for all the missed time, “Everything is okay now. You’re home.”

If she had doubts about Tobin’s love, about her commitment, of her want and need to be together, they all melted away. As Sofia landed on her feet, still clinging to Tobin as close as she could, she let go of all the anger, of the fury that built in those sleepless nights. She let go of her fear of losing her wife, of her life being turned upside down, of being alone, of not having Tobin there to make the world brighter. She hugged her close, her face pressed into her black shirt, she let go of everything and held onto her wife. 

 

Kelley stepped down off the stairs, moving as close as she could to give her friend a hug with one arm since Sofia would not let go. “Missed you dude.”

“Missed you too bud,” Tobin smiled.

Kelley was about to say something else, when her eyes went to the collar of Tobin’s new black shirt. “What’s this?” She asked touching the stitched black bars.

She looked down at her collar as her friends fingers traced her new rank. Tobin swallowed hard, looking down at Sofia who now had her own confused looked, “Yeah…” she let out a small breath, “I have to talk to you guys about something.”

 

—

 

“No.”

“You’re not even giving me a chance…”

“No.”

They had been at it for an hour, Tobin trying to explain her new life, and Sofia refusing to let her get any words out. They made it home, Kelley leaving the couple to discuss this new issue. As Tobin entered her house, she could see it had been rearranged, something Sofia often did when she was upset. She sat down in the arm chair, waiting for a response for almost ten minutes as Sofia sat on the couch thinking, finally she tried to talk, getting cut off every time she got a few words into an explanation. Finally she sat back, tried to rest her tired eyes as she waited for her wife to process the information. 

Sofia sat, her elbows on her legs, her chin in her hands, eyes straight out looking at the picture of their wedding day. She remembered that day like it was yesterday, the overwhelming since of security she had looking at Tobin across the altar, watching her eyes as the preacher read out the vows. She remembered the smile on Tobin’s face, she remembered the way her hands shook as she tried to put the ring on her finger. She remembered the low timbre of her voice as she said ‘I do.’ That girl, that wonderful, kind, loving girl that trembled as they kissed, that refused to let go after they made love for the first time as a married couple, this wasn’t the same girl. 

“How could you do this without talking to me?” Sofia finally broke their silence. 

“I didn’t have much of a choice…”

“No!?” she yelled, “You didn’t have a choice? You couldn’t call your damn wife and let her know you were going Black Ops? You couldn’t take a single second to let me know that you’d be actively putting yourself in danger, that you’d be shot at, that people would be aiming to kill you, that you’d be gone for months with no communication.”

Tobin could feel her chest tighten, “No.” She said simply, sitting up, trying to find the right words. “I knew they were going to test me on this deployment. I knew I was going to Raider School, but I couldn’t say anything. I wasn’t allowed to tell a single soul, I was under orders.”

“Orders,” the angry woman scoffed cutting her off, “That’s not an excuse Tobin.”

“But it is,” she cried scooting to the edge of her seat. “I would’ve said something if I could, but I couldn’t, and I’m sorry. This is a once in a life time chance. This is more than Spec Ops, more than Recon, more than RTT or anything any other Marine Special Forces group is doing.” She stood up enough to move over and sit on the couch next to her wife. “This team they are putting together, its one of five teams, it’s the elite and they want me. Jesus, not only do they want me, they want me to lead. They gave me bars, they are giving me everything.”

“I don’t care.” She snapped, finally turning to look at Tobin, “I don’t care about all of that. I only care about you, and not how special you are, not how awesome your job is, I care about you living.”

“Sofia…”

“No,” she put her hand up, stopping what she knew was about to be said, “I read the legal briefs of those after action reports, I see what happens to those Spec Ops guys. I know everything, and I know you are going to go out there, go on some random mission in some random place and the only thing that will be left of you is a folded flag.”

Tobin felt the pull on her heart, “Baby…” she whispered, moving closer to wipe the tears coming down her wife’s cheeks, “I know it’s scary, I’m scared too, but I have to do this.”

“Why?” she cried, her voice strained and wrecked, “Why you? Why do you have to do it? Why are they picking you? Why are they taking the love of my life?”

“They aren’t taking me,” she said softly, trying her best to keep her voice low and soothing. “Sofia, I am choosing this, no one is forcing me.” She paused for a second, knowing she had to explain everything or her feelings would never be understood. “I have to be more.” She said simply, looking up for some kind of acknowledgment, “I have to be more than a mechanic, more than just a Marine, I have to do something more. This war is taking everything, it’s destroying lives. I know you see it, I know everyone talks about it; we are losing, and it’s not pretty the way we are losing. Maybe… maybe I can be the difference.”

“To who?” She pulled back, not wanting to be comforted, “There is no difference in this Tobin. War is hell, its horrible and terrifying and only serves to take people from those who love them. I like that you’re a mechanic. I like that you are far from the action. I like knowing you aren’t being shot at. That night… when you… killed that guy… I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe, I just kept thinking about what would have happened if you weren’t faster than him, if you didn’t see him in the background, if he pulled his trigger before you. That was one guy, one night, one instance, and I was falling apart. What the hell am I going to do when it’s every night?”

Her head hung low, there was no answer to the question, there was no way to explain the force inside her that was driving this choice. How in the world do you explain the need to put yourself in harms way to the love of your life? How do you get the one person that counts on you for everything to understand that you are taking yourself away? How do you make such a choice like this not sound selfish? There was no way to put into words the calling, the pull to be more than who she was. There was no way Sofia would understand the need to be more in the way that Tobin longed to be more. There was no more words she could use, so she got up, kissed the top of her wife’s head, and headed out the door, with a promise to be back in an hour. 

 

-

 

Tobin walked down the hallway, knocked on the third door and waited. 

“Hey Tobs,” Emily said with a soft smile. She leaned in wrapping the girl in a hug, “Good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Tobin replied happily, “How are you?”

“I’m good,” she answered as the hug broke, “How are you?”

“Well,” she shrugged, the left corner of her mouth coming up in a nervous look, as she tried to play it cool. “Is Kelley home?”

“Yeah,” Emily smiled softly, knowing Tobin wasn’t going to get into all her problems in the hallway of their apartment building. She called for her wife, and watched as the friends danced around the idea of leaving, finally she pushed them out the door so they could talk in peace. 

 

Together, as they had done many times after they came home from their first deployment, they walked out the building and to the park across the street. They had spent hours on the swings, just sitting, talking about their time away, about their childhood, about their future. The place was empty most of the time, only a few stray cats moving around trying to find a place to sleep at night. The park was a perfect place for them to get everything out, it was close to home, they could drink a few beers, swing for a bit then walk home. The need for a familiar and safe spot drove them to the one place in the strange town that both of them could open up.

“So?” Kelley kicked her feet making the swing move, “What’s up?”

Tobin was digging her boots I the dirt, her hands gripping tight to the chain, head down, not knowing how to speak in this moment, “Sofia is pissed.”

“Yup.” She smirked, “Of course she is.”

“Are you?” She turned her head up to watch her friends expression soften. 

“A little,” her eyes were looking out into the distance, “But I understand. You can’t really say no to those guys.”

“Right?” Relieve washed over her. 

“Doesn’t mean I forgive you,” Kelley corrected quickly, “I understand, but I’m still pissed.”

“Fair enough,” Tobin nodded, sitting up in the moving swing, “Would you be as pissed if I asked you to come?”

Kelley stopped her swing, “What?”

She turned to face her friend, “They want you too. At least I convinced them that they needed you.”

“I don’t understand?” 

“You remember that test at the end of basic, the one you were sure was a recruitment test for the CIA?”

“Of course.” 

Tobin smirked, “You were right, except it wasn’t CIA it was Spec Ops, only now it’s Black Ops. They looked at my test, studied my performance and talked to a bunch of people about me, that’s how I got the call, that’s how all this happened.” She sat up as straight as she could, “Kelley I talked to them about you, they looked at your test, and you scored off the freaking charts, better than me, except one category.”

“Which one?” She asked suddenly caught up in the whole idea. 

“Emotion,” she said in a soft voice, “Apparently the test showed that you can’t handle it emotionally, that you’d freak out if bad shit happened.”

“Fuck off,” Kelley said quickly.

A laugh escaped, “No really, they think you’re fragile, but I told them to eat shit. I told them you’re the strongest person I know, and together you and I are unstoppable. I told them they were morons for not picking you up, and I told them I wouldn’t do it with out you.”

Pride filled Kelley’s chest as she heard the words. She was about to tell Tobin how much it all meant, when the idea of what it meant to be Black Ops really meant, what it could mean for her future plans. 

“Tobin, I don’t know,” she said in a low voice, “I mean, I want too, but…”

“But what?” She scoffed, “We’ve talked about this since the moment we knew it was a thing. When we saw those dudes get out that truck in Russia, all black, as bad ass as anyone could ever be, that’s what we wanted, we wanted to be those guys. We wanted to kick ass, make a difference, be more than just a mechanic and an electrician, be bad ass chicks saving the world, kicking ass taking names.”

Kelley nodded, remembering all the times they talked about this chance, about how they would both take it without a second thought, but she was having a second thought, and a third, the idea of her future and what she had promised to her wife coming into focus. 

“I don’t know Tobin,” she said in almost a whisper, “I was going…”

“What!?” She snapped, standing up, “Tell me what you were going to do? What’s stopping you from having my back, from being my partner, from watching out for me, and me watching out for you just like we’ve done since we were five years old. Tell me what’s more important than having my sister by my side.”

Eighteen years. That’s how long they had been together, that’s how long Kelley was standing beside Tobin through the hardest and worst times, since they had been saving each other. Eighteen years Tobin pulled her out of the fire, stopped this wild girl from wrecking her life, stopped her from dying somewhere. A friendship so strong Kelley considered Tobin her family above anyone. Eighteen years. That’s how long Tobin had her back, protected her, kept her from doing the worse thing. It was Tobin who pulled her out the water when they went surfing and she almost drowned. Tobin pulled her out of a car wreck whenever she thought it would be a good idea to speed down a road in the rain. Tobin bandaged every bruise, stitched up every cuts, sat by her side when she was too busted up to move. **Tobin was the one who shoved her fingers down her throat forced the handful of pills out her stomach, and held onto her until the crying stopped. Tobin stayed with her for a month, slept by her side until the darkness went away. Eighteen years and they never failed each other, not once.**

Kelley stood up, a smile creeping on her face, “Nothing.” She said simply, “You know I always have your back.”

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Tobin grinned, hugging her friend tight, ignoring the apprehensive sound to her voice.

They stayed in the park for a little longer, Tobin letting her best friend in on the whole plan. In two weeks they would both be shipped off, Kelley would go to training, the same training Tobin had just been through, and the new leader of the group would go off to OTS then Navigation school. They would get to come home for a few weeks to get to know their new team, then they could be called at any point in time. 

As they walked towards the apartment building Kelley thought about telling her friend about the plans she had made, about the idea of getting out, moving home and starting a family, but she couldn’t get the words out. If she would have said something, if Tobin knew she and Emily were trying to have a baby, if she knew all of that then the guilt would have taken over and Tobin would have forced her to give up on the whole plan. Something inside her wanted to say it, wanted Tobin to feel bad and take back the offer, this way she didn’t have to feel like she was betraying her best friend, she could go back to her wife, go live the life she really wanted. Then the thought of Tobin out in the wild by herself, yeah she would have a team, but who knew if anyone on that team would care for Tobin the way she did, if anyone would ever have her back the way she did, if anyone was ready to jump in front of a bullet for her. What if she let Tobin go alone and she was hurt, or captured, or killed, what then? How the hell was she supposed to sleep at night knowing her best friend was out there possibly being hurt and she could have prevented it. The idea, the worry, it was so strong it stopped Kelley from telling her about the plan, about the potential baby, about the future, this was the best way, the only way they could go off and do this without anyone feeling guilty.

 

-

 

Tobin stopped at her front door. She leaned forward resting her head against the wood, taking a breath. Whenever Sofia was in a good mood the house was always filled with music, no matter what, if she was happy, music would be playing. This was something Tobin knew from when they first started dating, when she would go to Sofia’s dorm room, the sounds coming out, her singing along to whatever song she loved at the time. Tobin would sometimes sit outside, wait for the song to be over; she liked hearing her happy, she liked knowing that Sofia was excited to see her and that made her sing. She hoped to hear music when she got home, like somehow the anger and fear her wife was holding had disappeared and she was coming home to a happy place, to somewhere she could relax, because she has done everything but relax for the last three months. 

She pushed her key into the lock, pausing for a second before turning the lock and opening the door. The quiet was deafening, consuming, pushing her heart down into her stomach and making her feel sick. She walked in, closing the door behind her, setting her keys on the entry table, before moving into the living room. 

Sofia was still on the couch, sitting it eh exact spot she had been whenever Tobin left. She had taken off her top and was in her brown t-shirt and uniform pants, her hair down from the bun, landing in waves on her shoulders.

Tobin took a step forward, her boots heavy on the wood floors. “Hey.” Her voice was soft, feeling like a breath rather than a word. She waited for a response, all her nerves standing on end. 

Sofia was so beautiful, her skin was this perfect honey brown, it looked as soft as it felt, and Tobin longed to run her hand down her cheek, to feel the warmth on her palm. She was small in the way that made everything she did cute, until you realized she could knock you on your ass and have you begging for mercy. Athletic, strong, and full of energy, her body was perfect, cut in all the right places, soft in all the good places, and so warm in the coldest of nights. 

This was her wife, this was the love of her life, this was the one person in the whole world that had the power to destroy her, she had the power to make her, she had all the power. Watching her sit, silent, cracked down the center, a statue that Tobin had hit with a hammer, she knew, Sofia could say no again, she could turn and say no and Tobin would have to say okay, she would have to give in because living without this woman was impossible.

Uneasy, she took another step forward, “Hey.” 

“Can we pause?” Her head turned, allowing her hair to fall to her back. Sofia looked up at Tobin, “Can we pause this?”

“Pause?” 

She stood up, “Yes, pause, for a little while.” Walking towards her wife, she ran her hand across her cheeks clearing the tears, “I haven’t seen you in three months, I’ve missed you. Can we please just pause? Can you just take me upstairs and make love to me? Please.”

Tobin moved forward, her arm finding its way around Sofia’s waist pulling her in, “Whatever you need.”

“This is what I need,” she replied standing on her tiptoes to get high enough to kiss her wife. 

The feeling was overwhelming, the passion behind it, Sofia’s tongue making its way into her mouth, Tobin forgot all about the fight, she forgot all about why they were separated, why she was worried, and let it take her away. In one swift motion, she picked her wife up, letting her strong legs wrap around her torso, she started up the stairs, her arms out to steady them as they moved. 

They kissed all the way up the stairs, Tobin relying on the little knowledge she had of her own homes layout, unable to see where she was moving as Sofia forced their lips together, only breaking apart long enough to strip away her shirt. Tobin’s hand moved swiftly up her back, finding her bra, unhooking it, and pulling it off, as they made their way to the bedroom. 

The place was dark, the street lights in the window were the only source of light in the room. Tobin pushed through the door, moving forward as her wife kissed her hungrily, both of them in a rush to feel good. 

Sofia could feel her wife stop, she opened her eyes wide enough to orient herself, they were above the bed. She pushed back, letting Tobin know she was ready to fall, feeling safe as she felt the arms that were holding her tight let go. She fell to the bed, landing softly, looking up at her wife the perfect image as the light shined in on her. She sat up on her elbows, as she watched the show, one that she could watch every single day of her life. 

Tobin unhooked the belt on her black pants, pulling her cotton t-shirt up and over her head. Her stomach had been bruised, her time in training leaving marks everywhere on her skin. She wanted to cover up, but Sofia leaned up, ran her hands down her abs, touching the purple marks, examining them under the dim light. Tobin wanted to explain how she got bruised, but the lips pressed against her skin, the tongue that ran up her obliques, the hands on her ass bringing her body closer, it stopped all her words. All her thoughts went to taking off her sports bra, tossing it to the side and working to push her loose cargo pants down. 

Waist level, was the perfect spot in Sofia’s mind. Watching her wife pull down her pants, her black boy shorts sitting perfectly on her tan, now bruised legs, it was what she had dreamt of. Tobin was the kind of sexy that made you moan at the sight of her, she was marble sitting just under soft skin. She smelled like soap, nothing remarkable, but a scent that served to carry Sofia over the edge. She hooked her fingers in the waistband of Tobin’s underwear, letting her hands guide them down her toned legs. She placed kisses on her thighs, unable to do more than three before she kissed where she really wanted. 

Tobin was strong, steady, almost impossible to move under pressure. She was solid, domineering, the definition of an alpha, and yet, standing there in front of her wife, the feeling of her tongue pushing through her, the hands gripping tight to her ass, the soft moans coming from just below, Tobin was falling apart, crumbling under her touch. They didn’t do this very often, Sofia down, arching her neck at the perfect angle for her tongue to reach all the spots that made Tobin shiver. This was special, Tobin was usually the one on her knees, the one on top, the one that called the shots, made the moves, giving out all she was in return for the security of it all. Tonight was different and they both knew it, Sofia needed this, she needed to feel the power of making her shake, and Tobin needed to let go. 

She placed a hand on the back of Sofia’s head, tangling her fingers in her hair. She could feel the hand sliding down the back of her thigh, her hamstring tightened at the gentle touch. Her leg was lifted, just enough for her to rest her foot on the bed railing a few inches in the air. The angle was different and it proved to make Tobin throw her head back, as a hand slid up her leg, fingers ghosting at her entrance for just a second before pushing inside her. This was only the third time they had ever done this, each time her anxiety over the intimacy lowering just a bit more, now as Sofia worked her fingers in and out Tobin didn’t think about the number of times they had done this, she didn’t think about her fear, she let her wife work her over, the long slender fingers finding a spot deep inside that she didn’t know she had. Tobin could feel her legs weaken, she reached over to the bed frame to steady herself as she let go, coming to the rhythm of her wife’s fingers. 

They moved to lay down on the bed, it smelled like lavender as the sheets puffed up around her face. Sofia laid on her back, Tobin moving on top of her, looking down in the soft lighting, a smile across her face. 

“Hey beautiful,” Tobin whispered. 

Sofia reached up to cup her cheek, “Hey gorgeous.”

“I love you,” she told her. 

Her voice was delicate and harmonious like the bow of a violin pulling across a string to create the perfect note. A warm feeling pooled in Sofia’s stomach as she stared into the wide eyes above her. How could she get so lucky? How could all the events in the world go so right that it lead this woman to her? How was it possible for the flap of a butterflies wings, for a wave in the ocean, for the light of the sun to be in such perfect harmony that she could be blessed with Tobin laying above her, looking down, admiring her in a way that made the world stop spinning. How was this her life? How was she so in love?

A single tear escaped her eyes, “I love you too.”

“Baby,” Tobin wiped the tear from her face, “I’m here, everything is okay.”

She rushed up, capturing Tobin’s lips, pressing hard against her. She didn’t want to hear the words, she just wanted her. She kissed along Tobin’s jaw, stopping at her ear to whisper, “Make me feel good, please baby.”

There was no solving their problems right now, in the moment all there was was the pleasure she could give, the feelings she could bring out with her hands, the satisfaction she could bring with her mouth, the total bliss she could give out. Right now there was only happiness, only the joy of each other, only their bodies tangled together, the air escaping their lungs, the overwhelming feeling of safety and security she could bring by bringing the goddess below her to the edge. Tobin couldn’t comfort her with words, with promises, all she could do was make her forget, for just a while, for an hour in time, she could make her wife think of one thing, that mind-blowing, body trembling, earth shattering feeling that could make her forget all her troubles. This was her job, and she was damn well going to do it.

 

—

 

The military made all of their buildings out of the same materials, every single one of them the same inside and out. It was always steal, corrugated and cold, or cinderblock, painted a cold white, making the room look like a prison. The lights, the long fluorescent bulbs that served to hurt your eyes and yet still not give off enough light to see, they were in every room, the low hanging drop tile ceilings. And the smell, no matter where you were, every single office in the military smelled liked industrial cleaner, like bleach and lemon and just a hint of dirty mop water with an undertone of sweat and mint chewing gum. That’s how this office smelled, that’s how it looked, like a well lit sex dungeon missing only the whips and chains on the walls. 

Tobin sat at the wood desk, the same laminated dark wood desk she had seen in all the offices she had been in, only this time she was on the other side of it. She was sitting at her desk, a dual screen computer, with a three year old HP tower flickering away. This office was her own, the place that she could sit down and type on her old computer, log into all her work programs and write reports, where she could look up random things and pretend she was working. This office, this desk, this high back fake leather computer chair, it was all hers, she even had a little name plate on the front to say it was so. Lt. Heath. That was her now, in her jungle uniform with shiny brass bars on her collar. Lt. Heath. A badge stitched into her uniform right above her name proving she had gone through hell and came back. U.S. Marines over her heart showing her devotion to duty, her loyalty to the cause, her respect for the beating heart of freedom and justice. God she was fed a lot of shit and came out bleeding red white and blue. 

“Tobs,” Kelley came into the office. She stopped and looked at her friend, now standing up behind the desk, her face washed with nervousness, “Or should I say Lieutenant.” 

She cracked a smile, watching the sly one creep on her best friends face, “No, SSgt O’Hara, you don’t have to call me Lieutenant.” She gave a little laugh, “You may refer to me as commanding officer.”

“I’ll refer to you as commander asshole and then I’ll drop you to the floor and make you call me uncle,” she jumped over the desk tackling her friend to the ground. She had Tobin in a head lock, “Say uncle.”

“Never,” Tobin called out, struggling to get free from the move, “I’ll never surrender…”

“Lieutenant.” A deep voice came from the front of the desk, “SSgt O’Hara.”

They both popped up, smiles on the faces, quickly fixing their uniforms. “Captain.” They both said in unison. 

The man was tall, dressed in a marine uniform that was clearly tailored to his buff frame. He shook his head a the two of them, before turning to introduce the other two men in the room. “This is HM2 Hollice, your medic, and TSgt. Vega your tactical weapons specialist and SERE.”

Tobin walked around the desk, trying her best to stand up straight, “It’s great to meet you guys, I’m Tobin… uh Lt. Heath.” She quickly shook their hands. 

“We’ve actually met once before Ma’am,” Vega said in his deep voice, “In Kazan, it was pretty brief.”

“I remember,” Tobin nodded, “You had shorter hair then.”

“Yes ma’am,” he cracked a quick smile.

Being called ma’am freaked her out, no one had ever referred to her that way, but she was now and officer, she was now a ma’am. As soon as the team got closer, she would make sure everyone called her Tobin.

“This is SSgt O’Hara, she is you communications and electronics specialist.” The captain told them, and Kelley shook their hands. “If you’ll all follow me, the other two members of your team should be arriving shortly.”

The building was a labyrinth of hallways, all of them looking the same, each door leading to an office that looked just like Tobins, all of them feeling like a minotaur was a few seconds away from popping out and challenging them to a fight to the death. There were no windows, to combat the stale smell in the air, the air conditioner blew constantly leaving a white noise static always ringing. 

They were lead to an indoor training center, a giant warehouse set up with everything a team would need to create a tactical plan. There was a track that wrapped around it, and a small gym to the side. If they needed to, they could stay indoors for weeks and never have to leave. The few days Tobin had to explore the building she figured it was made to withstand an attack, leaving the important assets unscathed and ready to battle. The idea both horrified her and made her feel incredibly safe at the same time. Was she really important enough to be kept in the safety crypt with all the precious jewels and the secrets to warfare? Maybe she was. She looked down at the bar on her collar, she was different now.

She studied to two new men in her life, knowing these would be the people she spent most of her time with. Vega was built like a brick shit house, all muscle and taller than anyone she had ever seen. His hair was a high and tight that was being grown out, a dark beard looking like it was on its second or third day. She thought about his title, tactical weapons and SERE. He as special forces for sure, and expert in weapons and survival, evasion, resistance and escape. He was bear put into a bad ass body, and by the way he stood straight up, not shifting in his stance, he had the mind of a bad ass. 

The marines didn’t train medics, they didn’t have a medical core, relying on the Navy for all that. HM2 Hollice, average height, strong build, light blonde hair, and a five o’clock shadow with a light red tint. Tobin looked him up and down one good time, she saw the badge on his chest, the eagle, the anchor and the trident, shiny silver and flashing in the light screaming one thing, “I Am a Navy Seal.” 

Tobin swallowed audibly, making Kelley look over to her with a confused face. She nodded over to the two men, mouthing the word ‘Seal’ as nonchalantly as she could. Kelley looked over scanning them quickly, when her eye landed on the medics chest she understood what Tobin was saying, her eyes getting big, having a hard time containing her smile. Before they could do anything else, two people walked into the warehouse, dressed in jeans and t-shirts, laughing as they walked up to the group. 

“Capt. Lock,” the man said as he made it to the office. “Nice to see you again.”

“Trust me the pleasure is all mine,” he responded, sounding as if the pleasure was not his at all. “This is the team.” He turned revealing the people behind him. “We have…”

“Let me guess,” he said side stepping the captain. He pointed at Kelley, “SSgt O’Hara.”

Kelley smiled, “That’s right.”

“Communications and electronics,” he pointed down at her belt, “The tool on the side of your belt says you’re here to put in work.” He stepped over to the two men, “TSgt Vega, you’re a fucking giant mountain man, so that makes you weapons and probably SERE.” The taller man nodded, saying nothing. He looked over to the other guy, “Navy Seal, medic then, am I right?”

“Yes,” Hollice responded. 

“Man, I am good.” He laughed, then turned to Tobin, “That makes you our fearless leader. Heath, right, Lt. Tobin Heath, also our navigator.”

Tobin smirked, “You have me at a disadvantage,” she stepped forward, chest out, “You know me, but I have no idea who you are.”

“Sorry about that Top,” he replied, taking a little bow and a single step back to align himself with the woman he entered with, “Intelligence, I’m Matt, spelled with two T’s, the H.E.W is silent.”

That made Tobin laugh, she stuck out her hand to shake his, “It’s nice to meet you.” She turned to the woman standing silently, her eyes wondering around the giant building, “And you are?”

The girls eyes searched the building, until Matt elbowed her in the side, “What?” She snapped, looking over to the man. She watched as he nodded towards Tobin. “Oh, hey, sorry. I’m Morgan, I’m your sniper.”

Tobin was taken back by the answer. She didn’t look like a sniper, her small frame, the wondrous look on her face. Maybe this was just how snipers looked. After all Tobin had only met one before, and for all she knew, this was how the rest of them looked.

“Well, now that we all know each other, we can start our training.” The captain spoke up. “Lt. Heath, how about you take your team to the locker room and get changed for PT.”

“Yes Sir,” Tobin answered. 

They all walked together to the end of the warehouse, into a changing room, with lockers that had their names painted on the fronts. It was explained to them before they signed the contract, the team would do everything together, never separating, it was about morale, or cohesion, or something else, either way there was no male and female changing room, all six of them piled in together, and after a few minutes hesitation, they all started to change. 

Tobin turned, to see Kelley in her hunter green SOFIES and matching shirt lacing up her black Nikes. Vega was wearing a light grey shirt and blue running shorts, the Air Force insignia in shiny silver on both garments. Hollice was the only one in bright collars, a yellow shirt and blue shorts, with NAVY written on the back on the shirt in silver reflective letters. She turned to see the other two, dressed in all black, no insignia or branch name to be found. 

“Okay team,” Tobin called out as she tucked her shirt into her running shorts. “We all ready?”

Everyone stood up straight, looking around at each other and nodding. 

“Think we are ready Top.” Matt said with a huge smile, “You ready?”

“Not really,” she answered honestly, deciding in that moment the she wasn’t going to act like a badass when she was so clearly just getting use to her new role, “But, let’s go kick ass.”

They all walked out together, Tobin the last one to leave the room. She put a hand on Kelley’s shoulder, “What’s up with those two?” She gestured over to Matt and Morgan, “Where are they from.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kelley asked, turning to see Tobin shake her head, “Dude, they are totally CIA.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed the flashback, and some questions have been answered. 
> 
> Someone commented that I was changing my update day, that's true. I use to update Thursday night, and I've changed to Saturday, its a little easier on me. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for everything.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Thanksgiving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Sorry for the missed week, my job had been insane and honestly it made me a bit sad which is not good for writing, at least not this chapter. But her everything is good now and so I post. 
> 
> Thanks for waiting, thanks for reading, thanks for everything.

The house was quiet, the morning still and cold, Kelley was gone, and Tobin was alone. She sat on the couch, a cup of coffee in her hand, the quiet mornings were always nice, she loved her friend but she could be a little much before the sun came up. A week had come and gone, and Tobin’s thoughts were on the jeep, she was going to start it up tonight, after she filled it with oil and gas, the project would be complete with the roaring of the engine. 

Part of her didn’t want to start it, the jeep running meant Christen had no reason to come to the garage at night, she wouldn’t be interested in watching Tobin fix some random truck. Or had their time together become something more? It was something more to Tobin, the long hours listening to the doctor talk, it became part of a routine that Tobin didn’t know if she could live without. The reason the jeep took so long to finish was because half the time Christen was there Tobin was leaning against the vehicle watching her talk, studying her movements, wondering when she would get a chance to kiss her again. If it wasn’t for the best distraction she could get, the jeep would have been finished two weeks ago, not that Tobin minded, and hopefully Christen didn’t mind either.  
 

 

Footsteps came from outside, Tobin turned to see if Kelley was coming in, but the door never opened. She got up and walked to the front door. Kelley was sitting on the porch, a pile of feathers in front of her, the flip knife she got for her birthday three years ago was stuck in the wood of the porch.   
“What is that?” Tobin stepped out to examine the scene further.  
   
Kelley looked up with a huge smile, “It’s a turkey.”  
   
“Did you kill that turkey?” she looked out to her friends truck, the compound bow and quiver of arrows were sitting on the hood. “You shot a turkey. Why?”  
   
“For Thanksgiving,” she responded simply.  
   
Tobin took another step out the house, the cold air hitting her body, “We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.”  
   
“I know,” Kelley  said smartly, “But Chris does, and I promised we would bring the turkey.”  
   
“For what?”  
   
“Dinner,” she looked up her friend, “Tonight.” She turned back to the bird on the steps, starting to pull the feathers off, “We talked about this.”  
   
“I…” Tobin paused, “I don’t remember.”  
   
“That’s because you’re not paying attention.” The answer wasn’t meant to upset her friend, it was only meant to shock her out of the current state she was in, “You’ve been out of it for like a week, ever since Chris saw that picture your mind has been somewhere else.”

Tobin shook her head. Had she really been out of it? Did she discuss celebrating a holiday with Kelley? Did she talk about it with Christen? There was no telling. She could feel herself getting warm, she was angry. Without another word she headed inside and got dressed. As soon as her coat was on, she was outside, passing by Kelley and getting in her truck.

 

The Towns were not part of The United States and did not celebrate the holidays that she used to when she was a kid. Traditions of her past were gone, and that was they way it had to be. No one wanted a reminder of what use to be, of who they use to be, so they put all the days that had anything to do with being an American and they buried it in the past and never spoke of it. 

The Heath’s were big holiday people. When Tobin was growing up, she lived her year for the holidays, for celebrations that brought everyone together in one place. Even when she was a teenager and way too cool for anything she still enjoyed celebrating with her family. Independence Day, the barbecues, her dad grilling hot dogs on the deck as she and her siblings ran around the back yard. Kelley and her family would come over and they would get giant water guns, spraying each other until they were soaked through. They would scarf down a ton of food, all of it covered in ketchup, drink their weight in soda and spend all day running around to burn off all the extra sugar. At night they would all gather around and watch all the adult’s, mainly the men, set off fireworks, and the kids would get sparklers to run around with until they passed out from the days activities. That was one of Tobin’s favorite days, the summer, with its green grass and warm sun, there was nothing better to look forward to, except Thanksgiving. 

Was there a better holiday? Food! So much food it hurt your stomach just to look at it. Turkey, ham, and chicken all on one plate; mash potatoes all piled high and covered in gravy. Macaroni and cheese made with four different cheeses and crumbles on top. Bread, warm in the center and a hint of honey on top, something you could sop up all the extra gravy on your plate. After you were done shoveling food in your mouth, you’d sit on the couch with your dad watching football, complaining about the amount of food you consumed, trying not to move, your eyes closing just a little as the food sleep came over you, and just when you were about to slip away into dream land, your mom says the best three words known to man, “who wants pie?” No matter how stuffed you are, no matter how many yams you pushed into your stomach, forget about the turkey leg, don’t even think about the stuffing, or the cranberry sauce and turkey you smashed into a roll and ate in two bites, none of that mattered when pie was there. As soon as apple pie, cherry pie, pumpkin pie, and of course cheese cake, came out, you were no longer so full you could die, there was always space for pie. So you’d eat pie, two slices with a glass of milk, and that would be the end of you. Falling asleep on the couch listening to your dad snore and the game in the background. That was Thanksgiving, that was America, that was when Tobin was American, something she no longer was.

 

—

 

The clinic wasn’t open this early, nothing was, so Tobin expected to get to the building and go up the stairs and talk to Christen in her apartment, but when she parked her truck outside Christen was heading down the stairs. 

“Hey,” she said with a surprised look, “What are you doing here?”

Tobin slammed the door to her truck, “I need to talk to you.”

Christen came down to meet Tobin at the bottom of the steps. “What’s wrong?” 

“You told Kelley to kill a turkey,” she said in a loud voice, she shoved her hands in her jacket pockets, taking a deep breath, “Well, it’s dead, she’s plucking the feathers out right now.”

She could sense the anger, almost feel it running out of Tobin and into the space between them. Christen crossed her arms, “I didn’t know you had a problem with killing turkeys.”

“It’s not the turkey,” she pushed her hands further down, trying to burry them further into her pockets, “It’s Thanksgiving.”

“I know,” she responded confused. 

With wide eyes, Tobin shrugged, “We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. That’s an American holiday. We’re not Americans.”

“I am.” She pushed back.

“I know that, but we’re not!” the attitude behind her voice almost burned as it came out, “I’d appreciate if you’d tell me before you ask my friend to kill a turkey for a holiday that we don’t even celebrate.”

Christen took a step back, her hand coming up to point at the angry women in front of her. “First, I don’t have to check with you before I do anything, you’re not my boss. Second, I did tell you about this. You’ve been so lost in your head lately, you barely hear anything I say.”

“That’s not true!” She called out, her chest rising as she took in a cold breath of air.

“Yes it is!” she shouted, seeing Tobin becoming more set in her anger. “You haven’t heard a single word I’ve said in a week.”

Tobin threw her hands in the air, “Well, maybe I’m thinking about something!”

“About what?!” She was matching her anger the best she could, “Maybe you should talk to me. That’s what I am here for. I’m your girlfriend Tobin, you’re supposed to tell me what’s bothering you!” She stopped, staring over at the woman who looked like a deer caught in headlights, “I don’t know what happened, what I did, or what the hell is going on, but you’ve been lost, and you have no right to come scream at me because you can’t remember me telling you about dinner.”

A smile came across her face, there was no stopping it, “You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yeah,” Christen huffed, confused by the smile, “Of course I am.”

The smile got bigger, “I didn’t know.”

“How?” She called out, not being able to help the smile that came across her face, “It’s pretty obvious.”

“We just never talked about it,” she shrugged, looking up through eyebrows, “I thought maybe, but I didn’t want to assume.”

Christen chuckled, watching the once angry woman soften into an anxious and extremely cute state, “You don’t have to assume.” She took a step forward, “I’m your girlfriend.”

“That’s cool,” she smirked. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” she laughed, “When you’re not yelling at me over a dead turkey.”

She lowered her head, shame pouring over her, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

Christen moved closer, reaching over to cup Tobin’s face, pulling her so she would look up at her, “What’s going on?”

The softness in her voice made Tobin press her cheek into Christen’s hand, “I don’t know, I just, I was angry, not at you, not at anyone really. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she gave a soft smile, pushing her other hand through the small space between Tobin’s arm that she was holding close to her body. She wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in close, “Do you want to tell me what’s been on your mind?”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, still confused by all the emotions she was feeling, “It’s hard to explain. I’m not really sure.”

Christen could feel all the tight muscles in Tobin’s body relax, “It’s okay to not know.” She leaned forward and kissed her softly, then pressed their foreheads together, “When you figure it out, you can tell me.”

“I will,” she responded softly, “I’m sorry I yelled.”

“It’s okay,” she smiled, listening to her breathing slow, “You can make it up to me.”

Tobin laughed, all the anger she had starting to melt away, “I’ll make it up to you later tonight, at dinner.”

She pulled away just enough to look Tobin in the eye, “We don’t have to do dinner, if you don’t want to.”

“I do,” she said quickly, knowing she had to fix this, “It’s not something we normally do, but I know it’s important to you, so let’s do it. Plus Kelley already killed a turkey.”

“Yeah, that kind of makes me sad,” she huffed, laying her head down on Tobin’s shoulder, “I didn’t know she was going to kill a live animal.”

“Where did you think she was going to get a turkey?” She chuckled.

“The supermarket!” Christen cried out, “That’s where they come from.”

“Oh man,” Tobin held her close, “You still have a lot of adjusting to do.”

 

—

 

By the time Tobin got back to the cabin, Kelley was in the kitchen, with the now naked turnkey in a pan. She was chopping up onions, next to an already giant pile of potatoes, when Tobin walked in. 

“Where’d you go?” Kelley asked. 

“To see Chris,” she took off her jacket.

Kelley nodded, “You seemed pretty pissed.”

“I was,” she moved to the kitchen, leaning on the counter, “I’ve been pretty out of it lately.”

“Duh,” she didn’t look up at her friend, “That photo freak you out?”

Tobin pressed her lips together, thinking about the picture she still had tucked between the pages of the book. “A little.”

“Well…” she put the knife down and looked over at her, “Don’t let it fuck you up. You and the doc are doing pretty good.”

“We are doing good,” she smiled, “She’s my girlfriend.”

Kelley smirked, “I know.”

“How did everyone know but me?” 

“You’re oblivious.” She chuckled, “Now get the butter from the fridge, we have a turkey to cook.”

 

Safety is a hard thing to find. It’s not something everyone has, and when you go long periods without it you start to believe you’ll never find it again. When you spend years alone without another person beside you, keeping you warm, keeping you safe, there’s a part of your brain that closes it’s self off to the whole idea of safety. You start to think that you can’t talk to anyone, that no one will understand you, that any person that comes into your life is only there temporarily and one day they will be gone and all that safety you once had will be gone again. 

Tobin had been in this state of fear for years, the only constant in her life being Kelley, who would leave for a random amount of time, at random times, never truly knowing if and when she would come back. The people Tobin counted on the most in her life, her wife, her team, her family, they were all gone and she was left alone, holding herself together the best she could, and the only way she knew how to do that was to keep herself closed off to the idea that she could ever feel safe again. 

Having a girlfriend, not just someone that was there sometimes, a real girlfriend, a real relationship with a person that showed up every night, that cared about what she had to say, that wanted to know her life, and not just the good parts, the bad parts, the scary parts; that was the most terrifying thing in the world. Christen was much more than a person, more than a girlfriend, more than just someone to talk to, she was safety. Christen was the idea that maybe, one day, Tobin could go to sleep and not wake up alone. She was the thought that if something was wrong, if she was hurt, if her mind was a mess, there was someone to tell, someone to communicate with, someone who was there without the fear that they may not show up. 

Christen wasn’t going to go on a month long hike. She wasn’t going to runaway whenever times got tough. She wasn’t going to disappear when Tobin needed her the most, and even though the idea was the most wonderful thing in the world, it was also the most frightening. Christen was constant, she showed up, she was there. Tobin drove twenty minutes to scream at her over a turkey and Christen was more concerned about her feelings than the fact that they were fighting over something so stupid. She wrapped her arms around Tobin, she kissed her, she made sure Tobin was okay before she took care of the rest of the problem. It was in that moment, Tobin realized that Christen was not just this amazing woman who she was falling for, she was safety, she was security, she was a life that Tobin never thought she could have again. 

Four years of keeping things locked away. Four years of only going over problems in her head, of talking herself through the toughest times, that scared her, that left her rough and tough and unable to express the things she felt. Saying the words “i’m afraid” that was impossible. She couldn’t tell Kelley, she couldn’t put that burden on the most fragile person in her life. She couldn’t make her best friend carry around her baggage when Kelley had so much of her own to shoulder, so she kept silent and pushed the idea of sharing out her mind. There was no one to share with so why bother even trying. Maybe that time was over, maybe she could share now, maybe there was someone strong enough to hold her problems and their own, and maybe with time all those problems would become smaller and the world would be bigger and she could be happy.

 

—

 

The day was spent monitoring a turkey, as Tobin and Kelley devised a plan to transport it without one of them carrying a hot plate on their lap, but also with no risk of the turkey falling and all their hard work being ruined. The decided on a simply built tray that strapped their turkey pan in the back seat, keeping it secure while also keeping it warm and off their bodies. It was over kill for the twenty minute drive to town, but this was their first Thanksgiving in a long time, their first one with Christen and they wanted everything to go well. 

Kelley explained all the details that Tobin had missed when her head was too wrapped up in worry to listen. Their friends in the town, well Alex’s friends in the town had all agreed to share the meal with them. Christen had become extremely popular with everyone, and even though none of the towns people celebrated the holiday they were all happy to share a meal together on a day that meant something to Christen. When they showed up to the town center, a few cars were parked outside the main building, the lights on, and soft music playing. 

“You gonna be okay in there?” Kelley asked as they put the car in park. 

Tobin looked at the shadows in the window, her heart starting to pound, “I think so.”

“You’ll be okay,” she said as if taking away Tobin’s anxiety was as easy as wishing it, “You’ll have me and the doc there to take care of you.”

A smile came across her face as the realization that she wouldn’t have to only rely on Kelley to keep people from overwhelming her. Christen would be there, and she could stick with her, she could sit with her girlfriend and everything would be okay. 

“I can do this,” she said with an apprehensive smile, “We can do this.”

“I know I can,” Kelley laughed as she got out the car.

They had on nice clothes, Tobin’s other button up shirt and a pair of jeans. She had her hair down, letting it fall down her back, which made her think about getting it cut at some point in time. Her boots were clean, her jacket was dust free; she looked nice, but not so nice it was weird. As they walked closer to the building, it occurred to her that this was the first time she and Christen were going to be together with a group, they were a couple and now everyone was going to know it, but she didn’t have time to freak out, Christen was coming out the door to meet them. 

“My two favorite people,” Christen smiled. 

“Yup, me and the turkey.” Kelley held the pan up a little, “And your third favorite person, Tobin.”

“Thanks Kels.” Tobin shook her head, looking up shyly at her girlfriend, “You look nice.”

“Thanks, so do you.” Christen smiled.

She was wearing a light pink dress that looked like it was made out of the same material they made sweaters. It went just passed her knees, showing off just a little of her legs before the light brown boots. Her hair was down and wavy, the type of curls that made Tobin want to run her hand through them just to watch them bounce back. She had on light makeup, just enough to make the grey in her green eyes pop. She was wearing light lipstick to highlight her lips in a way that drew Tobin’s eyes to them, making her mind go instantly to kissing her. It was all a little too much to take in when Tobin was supposed to be focusing on the dinner party, on making sure Kelley didn’t drop the turkey, but all she could think about was she had a girlfriend and she was drop dead gorgeous. 

Kelley pushed passed them, knowing Tobin would need a minute before she entered the building and had to talk to people. It was a little odd leaving her, but Christen was getting pretty good at calming her best friend. 

“Is this your other nice shirt?” Christen smirked as she touched her collar.

She looked down at the fingers delicately touching her shirt, “Yeah, this is it.”

“I like it,” She smiled, moving close enough to let Tobin wrap an arm around her. “I like you.” She moved her hand to the back of Tobins’ head, leaning in to kiss her, pushing hard against her lips, letting her girlfriend know that this was a kiss to ground her. 

Like a tree digging its roots into the earth, Tobin put both her arms around Christen’s body, pulling her in as close as she could get her, the soft fabric of her dress against her forearms. Tobin dug in, she let herself settle into her, let the kiss take her from her anxiety high down to a comfortable low. Christen was the earth and Tobin was a tree safely rooted into her, and with that nothing could knock her down, the night couldn’t blow her over, not when she was holding onto Christen, not when she was safe with her. 

Christen pressed her forehead against Tobin’s breathing in her air for a second. “Thank you for doing this.”

She nodded as best as she could, “I’d do almost anything for you.”

“Almost?” She laughed softly.

Tobin cracked a smile, “Well, I wouldn’t kill a turkey for you.”

She giggled, she leaned further into Tobin, “I have Kelley for that.” She hugged her close, planting a kiss on her neck, “Seriously, thank you. I know it’s hard for you.”

“I can do this,” she held tight, “With you.”

She leaned back, breaking there hold just enough to grab Tobin’s hand, “Then, let’s do this.”

 

—

 

The building wasn’t full, just a few people all gathered around the long table, drinking beers, and listening to Kelley tell the story of how she got the turkey. Tobin moved inside with Christen by her side, taking her coat off and placing it on the back of a chair near the head of the table where Christen had already set her place. 

“Do you want something to drink?” She asked in a low tone. 

Christen nodded, “Wine would be amazing.”

Tobin looked over to a table in the corner that had bottles sitting on it. “Coming up.”

As soon as Tobin was gone, Ali was with Christen starting a conversation about her dress. Tobin looked back and smiled, remembering all the times she had done this before, getting a drink for a girl as she waited. She remembered her times in the bars talking to bartenders, starting conversations with random people as she waited for the whiskey sours, the jack and cokes, the vodka tonics, whatever drink to be poured so she could get back to her girl. This time was different, she wasn’t just waiting to get back to some random girl, she was getting back to Christen, and it all felt so different. 

“Whatcha drinking?” Ashlyn came over to the table, grabbing a bottle and pouring the contents into a glass. 

Tobin gave her a quick smile, “Beer for me,” she replied, grabbing the bottle from the chest of ice, “Wine for her.” She looked back at Christen. 

“Wine for Ali too,” She said running her hand through her dark blond hair. “Looks like those two are friends now.”

“Yeah, looks like it,” Tobin smiled.

“It’s good,” Ashlyn stood awkwardly, watching Tobin pour the wine, “Ali needs more people to talk to about dresses and stuff, I’m not really good at that kind of stuff. I try, you know, but I’m not really the best at it.”

She nodded, “I know what you mean.”

They both stood there in silence, Tobin standing up straight with the two drinks in her hand, waiting to see if Ashlyn was going to say anything else. When she didn’t, Tobin started to walk away. 

“Hey wait.” The tall girl called out. She moved closer to Tobin, “I’m awkward, we’ve had this conversation before.”

“Yeah,” she responded. 

“I’m going to walk over to them with you, that way no one tries to trap us into a conversation.” Her eyes got wide waiting on a response. She watched the slight nod from Tobin. “Great, we can just stand behind our girls, let them talk about stuff, and nod our heads like we are talking too.”

Tobin snorted, “Will that work?”

“Oh yeah,” Ashlyn waved her hand, “All we have to do is say a couple words here and there, maybe laugh a bit, and everyone will think we are deep in conversation with them and they won’t bother us.”

She shrugged, “Sounds good to me.”

Together they walked over to the two women, handed them the glasses of wine, and did just as Ashlyn suggested. Tobin stood with half her body behind Christen, tuned into the conversation just enough to know when she was being spoken to. 

“Actually, she found me an old sewing machine, it’s foot powered, that’s what got me started in all of it,” Ali told Christen, “I have a few other’s, more modern ones now. Ashlyn finds everything I need when she goes on runs, right babe?”

“Right,” Ashlyn smiled. 

“That’s so amazing.” Christen replied, “I’m not that creative, I wish I was. I am however pretty good at sewing. That’s kind of how I met Tobin, I had to sew up Kelley’s arm, she sliced it open with, something. What was it?” She turned to Tobin.

It was her turn to chime in, “Electrical cutters.” Tobin smiled. 

“That’s right,” Christen chuckled, “It was a pretty good cut.”

The plan was working. All Tobin had to do was stand with Christen and answer a few questions, and no one bothered her, no one tried to talk to her about anything, no one even approached her. Before she knew it, dinner was being served, and Tobin had gone the whole cocktail hour with only speaking about ten words. 

 

Everyone sat down, a quick prayer was said by Alex, and the food was served, Kelley bragging the whole time about the turkey. A few minutes into the meal Christen moved her leg so it was touching Tobin’s, and as easy as that Tobin settled into the meal, and ate silently and happily. 

 

—

 

It was the third shot of whiskey and the ninth beer that told Tobin that her best friend wasn’t going to fair well in her truck going up the mountain. She was swaying back and forth as she told Meghan about the turkey hunt for the fifth time in the night. Tobin was on her fourth beer, she was sober enough to know when it was time to get Kelley away from civilized people and into a warm bed. 

“Hey, we should get her,” Tobin whispered into Christen’s ear, “She’s starting to go from fun drunk, to crazy.”

Christen watched as Kelley’s arms swung in the air, as she described how the turkey tried to evade her. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s get her up to my place.”

“You sure?” She asked, “I can take her home.”

“You can’t drive her home Tobin, you’ve been drinking.” She said simply, placing a hand on her shoulder, “Grab Kelley, you’re both staying with me tonight.”

Tobin swallowed hard, “Uh… Okay.”

As Christen made the rounds to say goodnight to everyone Tobin grabbed Kelley and pulled her towards to door. She helped her best friend into her coat, zipping it up much to Kelley’s protest, and headed outside to wait. 

“Where we goin again?” Kelley slurred. 

Tobin pulled her away from the steps so she wouldn’t fall, “To Chris’ house, to sleep.”

“Oh right,” Kelley laughed. “Or, I’ll sleep, and you’ll…” she wiggled her eyebrows. 

“Stop,” Tobin smiled, “That’s not going to happen.”

“Why not?” She cried as if it was happening, or not happening to her.

She put her hands in her coat pocket, “We’re not there yet.”

“Hey, dude… Don’t punch me… but, have you seen that girl? Damn! She’s like, smokin hot.”

Tobin laughed, shaking her head at her best friend, “I noticed.”

“So do somethin bout it.” A huge smile came across her face, “Whatcha waitin fo?”

“The right time.”

Kelley stood up straight, slamming her hands down on Tobin’s shoulders, “There’s never a right time. Dude, sometimes you have to make _now_ the right time.” She shrugged, spinning around and jumping down the three steps, “Don’t wait for you life to begin Toby. Grab the bull by its junk, or whatever.”

“It’s, the horns,” she said loud enough for Kelley to hear and wave her off. 

“What’s the horns?” Christen asked coming up behind her. 

Tobin looked over and smiled, “Nothing, let’s get her in bed.”

 

They carefully directed Kelley from the main building to the clinic and up the stairs, as she sung out old Irish drinking songs that didn’t really make much sense. They got into the apartment, Kelley convincing them to have one more drink before going to bed. They all stood in the kitchen, Tobin sipping a beer she didn’t really want, Christen with a small glass of wine, and Kelley drinking what she thought was a glass of moonshine, but was really water. 

“You know, the last Thanksgiving we had was like what, almost six years ago.” Kelley said, holding herself up with one hand, as she held a drink with the other. “It was the week before we left for Russia the second time. We all went to Nick’s house. His wife made that chocolate cheese cake that blew our minds. You remember that Toby?”

“I do,” she replied, “It was a good day.”

“One of the best days.” Kelley smiled. “Emily was happy. She was really happy.” She lowered her head, the smile slowly slipping, “We should have stayed, you know, that mission, I… We…” 

Tobin moved quickly, grabbing Kelley before she started to tip over, taking the glass of water and putting it on the counter. “Hey sis, it’s okay. I got you.”

“We should have stayed Toby,” she cried, tears starting to stream down her face, “We were happy. We were happy.”

“I know, bud,” Tobin said softly, “Come on, let’s get on the couch.”

Slowly they moved over to the couch. Tobin helping her best friend lay down, taking off her boots and draping the blanket over her. She sat down on the ground next to Kelley’s head, listening to her mumble and cry. It had been a while since one of them broke down this way, it had been a while since it was the job of one of them to make sure the other fell asleep. Tobin sat, waiting for her breathing to even out, thinking about the time she was crying about, the time when they were happy. It was only a few months after that when Emily was shipped overseas, a few months before all the trouble began. 

Tobin was hoping Kelley wouldn’t think about it, the time, the date, the last night they had as a family in the states. All night she watched her friend drink and laugh, she watched her tell stories, crack up with all the people in the town. The whole night Kelley was happy, she was happier than Tobin had seen her in a long time, but she should have seen the drinks, she should have seen the bottles of beer, the shots of whiskey, the quick sips of moonshine. Tobin should have watched her friend cover up her sadness with alcohol and laughter. Now, as Kelley finally passed out, Tobin promised she wouldn’t miss it again.

 

She stood up looking over to the kitchen to find it empty. The door to the bedroom was cracked, a light coming from it. Tobin walked over knocking softly on the door. 

“Hey,” Christen whispered, opening the door and looking over to the couch, “Is she okay?”

Tobin looked over to her best friend, “No, but she is passed out, so she’ll sleep tonight.”

“I’m sorry Tobin,” she breathed out. 

“For what?”

Christen lowered her head, “I didn’t know this would trigger her. I should have listened…”

“No,” Tobin reached out and touched her cheek, “Don’t blame yourself for this. You can’t know everything that might trigger us…”

“But I should…”

“No,” she shook her head, “You’re new to all this, you can’t know everything.” She paused for a second, “Especially if we haven’t told you everything.” Taking a deep breath she looked Christen in her eyes, “This is my fault. I need to start talking about my past, about our past.”

“I don’t want to push you,” she said quickly. 

“You’re doing the opposite of that,” she gave quick smile, “You’ve been really patient, and now it’s my turn to help this move forward.” She reached out and grabbed Christen’s hand, “It’s time for me to help _us_ move forward.”

Tobin felt a pull on her hand, Christen was bringing them closer. She felt the lips pressed against hers before she realized what was happening, feeling Christen pull her into the room. Her mind caught up with her body, her hands were on Christen’s hips, squeezing down as Tobin let her tongue drift passed her lips, starting to explore. 

Her body took over, only letting her brain catch up to live in the moments already created. Tobin found herself spinning Christen around and pressing her against the wall, one hand drifting down to grab her ass, the other finding the zipper at the top of her dress. She could feel Christen’s hands working the buttons on her shirt, popping each one out as her hands moved down the center of her torso, lighting Tobin on fire with every inch of skin touched. Tobin tried to focus, her fingers grabbed the zipper on the dress and started to pull, the sound of the dress starting to come off forcing Tobin to push harder letting her leg fall between Christen’s. 

“Shit,” Christen whispered, her voice breathy as her hands fell to Tobin’s hips. Christen could feel the strong hand on her bare back, pulling her closer, running up the length of her reaching to pull her dress off her shoulders. She could feel the heat of their bodies, the want between them becoming too much, the taste of beer on Tobin’s tongue serving as a reminder that her girlfriend was slightly drunk, and would probably regret this in the morning.

“Wait,” Christen whispered reluctantly, putting a hand on Tobin’s stomach, instantly regretting stopping when she felt her hard ab muscles contract against her palm. “We can’t do this.”

Tobin took a step back, breaking contact

Her eyes fell on the body in front of her. Tobin was lean in the perfect way, her abs moving as she breathed, the V cut like an arrow pointing down to her pants, the black leather belt asking to be stripped off her. Christen thought about forgetting about the whole ‘can’t do this’ thing and taking her clothes off. The idea of kissing her way down Tobin’s stomach, about having her strong coarse hands all over her skin almost drove her to say yes, to move forward and push her on the bed. But she looked just passed where her shirt hung next to her hips, on the left there was a scar, rounded, with two stitch marks on it, Christen had seen that type of scar before, it was a bullet wound, and it reminded her how fragile Tobin was. 

“You don’t want to?” Tobin asked, worrying filling her mind, her head hanging low, afraid of what it all meant, hoping she didn’t do anything wrong.

“I want to,” she said shaking her head to get her thoughts together, “I really want to.” She moved forward, a hand held out to cup Tobin’s cheek, “But we can’t.”

Tobin saw the worry in her eyes, she could feel her girlfriends hand shaking a bit against her cheek. Christen wasn't’ stopping this because she was pulling away, she wasn’t stopping because she didn’t want it, she was stopping because she was concerned for her, for what it all meant. 

She leaned into her hand, whispering, “Okay.”

They moved to opposite sides of the room, Tobin turning as Christen pulled down her dress and put on a t-shirt and sleep shorts. She waited patiently as Christen found a second pair shorts and a t-shirt, that she threw across the room for Tobin. She quickly changed as Christen went into the bathroom, coming out with a clean face, her hair up in a bun, looking more beautiful than before. 

Tobin took a second to look at her in her natural state, perfect. She wondered how in the world she ever stopped kissing her. How in the world she was ever going to stop kissing her in the future, and it occurred to her, that one day, she wasn’t going to have to stop, one day she would be strong enough to hold her and kiss her until the end of time. One day, but not tonight.

“Well, good night.” Tobin said softly turning to the door. 

Christen took a step forward, “Where are you going?”

“Out there,” she smirked, “I was going to sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t do that,” she laughed, “Sleep in here.”

Tobin looked over at the bed, “But where are you going to sleep?”

“In here,” she laughed lightly, “It’s a big bed Tobin, we can both sleep in it.”

She looked back at the queen sized bed, then to Christen, “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Christen crossed the room, putting her arms around Tobin’s waist, bringing her in for a quick kiss, “No funny business, only sleep.”

“Okay,” she giggled. 

They climbed into bed, leaving enough space between them to keep from touching in the night. 

Christen turned off the lamp on the night stand letting the dark fall on the room. “Good night.”

“Night,” Tobin said in a hushed tone. She could hear Christen breathing, almost feel the subtle movements of her body. They may not have been touching but Tobin could feel the warmth coming from her and it was comforting. This time her mind led the way, speaking before her body had time to prepare, leaving her words airy, “Chris?”

“Yeah?” She whispered. 

Tobin took a deep breath, readied herself before speaking. “I’m… I’m going crazy over you.”

Christen could almost hear her heart pound in her chest, “I’m going crazy over you too.”

“I didn’t plan this,” she said quickly, her words jumbled together, “I haven’t done this in a long time. I haven’t gone crazy over someone in a long time.” There was a long pause, her words no longer in a rush to come out. “I’m scared.”

“Me too.”

Without thinking, Tobin reached her hand over to the middle of the bed, she waited a second, trying to slow her heart as a hand reached out and grabbed hers holding tight. She looked up at the ceiling barely visible in the dark, “Take it easy on me.”

Christen smiled, “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone it means so much to me. I hope you enjoyed.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The jeep is ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. So this chapter is a little rough in the flashback. If you don't want to read about death and war then maybe skip the flashback, but it is full of information. 
> 
>  
> 
> Military Definitions.
> 
> CO is commanding officer  
> NCO is Non-commisioned officer and it's reserved for Sergeants, or the ranks of E-5 and E-6.  
> Helo is a shortened term for helicopter.

“I am so excited.” Christen hopped off her spot on the workbench, the same spot she had been perched up on for weeks. 

Watching Tobin work was the best part of her day. After a full day at the clinic, stitching up cuts, giving shots to people who didn’t want them, and filling out paperwork, being able to sit down and watch Tobin move around the workshop was a much needed break from reality. 

Being with Tobin was turning out to be more relaxing than she had ever felt with anyone else. It was her easy nature, everything seemed simple through her eyes, the world was simple. Tobin saw things exactly how they were, it was refreshing compared to the complicated world Christen saw.  
   
The world according to Christen was filled with mystery; problems she had to solve, people she had to figure out. There was always something that needed to be done and it was overwhelming. But those few hours when she was in the barn, talking about her day, listening to the ratchet crank as Tobin worked on the jeep, everything outside those four walls seemed to fall away and a new easy world was created. 

Tobin always had an answer to all her problems, but she never gave it unless Christen specifically asked, mainly she just worked and hummed along to let Christen know she was still listening. Whenever she asked for her opinion, Tobin would just shrug and give an easy answer then smile and go back to working as if it wasn’t a big deal. The whole thing always shook Christen up. How could things be that simple? How was the world so uncomplicated to the most complex person she had ever met?  
   
Spending time with Tobin meant spending time listening to the small nuggets of information she divulged at random times, pieces of her life that Christen had to stitch together to make a whole picture. The more it happened, the more Tobin actually opened up and shared her life, the more Christen realized she was dating one of the most complicated people she had ever met. 

Yesterday, they were talking, nothing crazy, Christen had been going on about a particularly nasty time in med school during a class on the gastro-intestinal system, and Tobin happened to chime in. She told a story about Kelley falling into a latrine hole, and how she complained for three days because her boots smelled and she didn’t have a spare pair and no one was willing to trade with her. It was a funny story, Tobin was smiling the whole time she told it, laughing as she did impressions of her best friend. To anyone else the story would have just been a hilarious story, but Christen heard it all, she looked past the tone of voice and light nature and noticed that it was a story of Tobin and Kelley with their team in Russia kidnapping a Russian politician. They waited for a week for this foreign official to show up on a road, they took out his entire security detail and dragged the guy back to an American base camp. That wasn’t the point of the “Kelley Stepped in Poop” story, but Christen heard it.  
   
Sometimes it seemed almost too casual the way Tobin spoke about her time overseas in a war, kidnapping and killing people, but it was as if she had to talk about it in a lighthearted way or she would break down. They had spoken seriously about one subject ever since Tobin made the promise to open up about her past, they had a short conversation about Emily, how she ended up in Russia when she shouldn’t have been there, but Tobin stopped before she got to anything bad. Christen could see the tears building behind her eyes, the way they glossed over at the mention of her best friends wife, there was no way to ask what happened to her, how everything went down. Ever since that moment Christen let Tobin talk the way she wanted, she no longer asked questions, she let the subjects come up on their own, she let Tobin joke about the time with her friends, and that was enough for now.  
   
“Is it really ready?” Christen asked as she rushed over to the jeep, “Can I start it?”  
   
“Yes, it’s ready, and yes you can start it.” Tobin smiled, hopping out the driver’s seat and holding the door open for her girlfriend. “Just let me put some gas in the tank.”  
   
Christen jumped in the jeep, bouncing as she grabbed the steering wheel and pretended to drive like a kid in their parents car, “This is so awesome, I can’t believe it’s ready.”  
   
“I know it took a while,” Tobin rolled her eyes, upset with herself with how long it took to complete the project.  
   
“Babe, you built an entire jeep,” Christen stuck her head out the door and looked back at Tobin as she held the gas can up, “Don’t beat yourself up over a few weeks.”  
   
Tobin smiled, she always did whenever Christen casually called her babe. It had been happening for about a week now, it wasn’t anything they talked about, it just happened. Christen was over the house sitting on the couch, drinking beers with Kelley, arguing about something Tobin couldn’t remember, music was playing in the background and Tobin was enjoying the beat and the feeling of Christens legs laying across her own. She finished her beer and was feeling another when she got up as she had done many times, Kelley shouted that she wanted another beer and her girlfriend said “get me one too, babe” and it made Tobin stop for a second, but the conversation between the two women continued as if nothing different had been said so Tobin let it go, thinking maybe it was just a slip. Then the next night, Tobin was washing dishes at Christens place and Christen came out her room and said “Aw babe, you don’t have to do that.” Again it was simple, again it was as if nothing happened at all, and after that Tobin settled into the fact that she was no longer just Tobin, or Toby on occasion, she was officially babe, and it felt good.  
 

“Well,” Tobin smiled, setting the gas can down, “Are you ready to start it up?” She held up a shiny silver key.  
   
Excitedly, Christen jumped out the cab and grabbed the key, “I’m so ready.”  
   
Together they climbed in the jeep, Christen in the driver’s seat, Tobin in the passenger’s seat watching her girlfriend put the key in the ignition. Waiting for the engine to start wasn’t the amazing part, Tobin had put together vehicles before, this wasn’t the first time she would see a rebuilt engine start, it was the fact that Christen was sitting next to her. A few months ago she would have never imagined a night like this, in the garage with her girlfriend, happy in a way she never though she could be again. Their relationship was moving slow, but it was there, it was official, it was something Tobin could hold onto in the night, something she could wake up to in the morning. The thought of seeing her girlfriend made the days better, the idea of kissing her made her life better. There was no way to describe the feeling she got whenever she wrapped her arms around the woman next to her, when she got to hold her, when she got to be with her. Christen had a way of making life so much easier, she had a way of shining light on the darkest times. Today, and event that would normally be mundane, Tobin was so excited it was hard to contain. She finished the project but it wasn’t just completing the build, it was completing it for Christen, for her girlfriend, for this woman she was falling so hard for.  
   
Christen turned the key and a few seconds later the engine started letting the seats rumble in the cab, “She lives!”  
   
“She’s alive!” Tobin held up her hands. Before she could say anything else Christen was kissing her.  
   
“You’re amazing,” Christen grinned as the kiss broke. She looked out the windshield, “You’re like a wizard.”  
   
“Nah,” she waved, “Just good with machines.”  
   
Christen smirked, she liked the way Tobin always down played the amazing things she did, “Well, I think you’re amazing, and I am extremely grateful.”  
   
“It’s no problem,” Tobin shrugged climbing out the cab and walking around to the front of the vehicle. “I enjoyed building it.”  
   
“I enjoyed watching you,” she laughed as she joined her girlfriend at the front. “Seriously, if you need me to keep you company on other builds, I can watch you work forever.”  
   
Tobin blushed, “Good to know.”  
   
It was good to know because that was a worry for Tobin. The thought that maybe Christen wouldn’t want to be in the garage anymore, that maybe after the jeep they would spend less time together. The fact that Christen was willing to come up and watch her work on a vehicle that had nothing to do with her soothed one of Tobin’s biggest fears, Christen wasn’t in it for the jeep, she wasn’t here for one thing, she was here for Tobin, and that was the best feeling.  
   
“So when can I drive it?” Christen asked eagerly.  
   
“After I check the oil,” Tobin laughed, watching her bounce up and down, “I’m going to shut it off and let it settled for a second. If the oil level is good then you can take it home.”  
   
Christen watched as Tobin leaned in the cab and turned off the roaring machine, before wiping her hands off with a rag. “How long does it take for oil to settle?”  
   
She shrugged, “Few minutes. You in some kind of rush?”  
   
“No,” she replied, biting her bottom lip, “Just want to know how much time I have.”  
   
Tobin could see the look in her eyes and it sent shivers down her spine. Christen was amazing in a million different ways and one of those ways was how sexy she was. There was something about those green eyes going dark, the way she walked up to her, the way she started off slow and gentle before pulling Tobin in by the shirt. 

They had done this a lot lately, one of them pinning the other against something, mostly walls, or doors that they had to rush to close. It was hot and heavy and served to bring Tobin’s mind to another plain whenever Christen would slip her tongue past her lips. The feeling of her hands gripping her shirt, pulling Tobin as close as possible. And her body, the way her waist line tapered off, how smooth her skin was whenever Tobin would cheat a little and put her hands under her shirt. They promised not to go too far, not to push past what Tobin could handle. As much as she wanted to fall into bed with her, as much as she wanted to take off Christens clothes and explore her body, she wasn’t ready. 

One night in the garage, when Tobin picked her up and set her on the workbench and kissed her so good it made Christen audibly moan, they had to stop and that’s when they agreed they couldn’t sit on anything, they couldn’t be horizontal and they couldn’t touch skin that you couldn’t see on a normal spring day, and since it was winter and they were always in long sleeves and jeans, it meant you couldn’t touch any skin. It was hard, when Christen was pushed up against her, and Tobin back was against the jeep, and Christens legs where in the perfect position for her to be scooped up and carried away. It was hard.  
   
“Hey, did I hear the jeep….” Kelley walked into the garage and immediately covered her eyes, “Sorry, I didn’t know.”  
   
They split apart quickly, “It’s okay.” Tobin answered for the both of them.  
   
“Sorry, I didn’t know I was interrupting something sexy.” Kelley smiled and wiggled her eyebrows.  
   
Tobin shook her head, “You’re not.” She lied. “We started the jeep up. I’m about to check the oil.”  
   
“She’s about to check someone’s oil,” Kelley whispered to Christen.  
   
“Gross,” Christen giggled, now officially use to Kelley’s crude humor and constant teasing about both of them ‘getting some.’  
   
Kelley stuck her head into the jeep and looked around, “The interior is pretty nice Toby.”  
   
“Thanks,” she smiled, happy to get off the subject of her and Christen, “I had Ali help me.”  
   
“You should get her to do my truck next,” she nodded.  
   
“You could just ask her yourself,” Christen laughed before her eyes got huge, “Oh my god! I can’t believe I forgot, I got caught up in the jeep. Kells, I have a lead for you.”  
   
“A lead?” she perked up.  
   
The younger girl rushed over, “Yeah, on radio girl.”  
   
“Shut the fuck up,” Kelley jumped out the jeep, “Tell me!”  
   
“A doctor came up from another town to get some supplies from me, we got to talking and I asked about radio girl,” she was looking back and forth between her friend and her girlfriend, “He couldn’t tell me much because of the doctor patient confidentiality crap, but he could tell me that she lives in 31.”  
   
Kelley jumped in the air, “Are you serious?”  
   
“Yup,” she answered proudly, “I know it’s not much, but it’s a start, right?”  
   
“Dude,” Kelley rushed over and cupped Christens face in her hands, “This is closer than we have ever been! You’re the best!” She planted a quick kiss on her cheek, “I’m going to go to Klings!”  
   
“Why Klings?” the doctor laughed watching Kelley run out the garage door.  
   
“She’s done some plumbing work down there before, maybe she can give me another lead.” She smiled, her bright hazel eyes sparkling even in the dim light, “Thanks Chrissy, really you’re amazing. Tobin your girlfriend kicks ass.”  
   
“I know,” Tobin replied not looking away from her task.  
   
“Later losers,” the freckled face girl stuck her tongue out quickly and smiled when Christen stuck her tongue out in return. She left the garage singing as she ran to her truck.  
   
Christen shook her head, still chuckling to herself as she moved over to put and arm around Tobin’s waist, “I guess she’ll be occupied for a while.”  
   
“Probably,” Tobin smirked, her eyes focused on the dipstick as she checked the oil, “She’s been waiting for this for a while.”  
   
“Maybe it’ll help keep her in town longer,” she said casually.  
   
Tobin shrugged, “Probably not, Kelley wanders.” She put the dipstick back in the tube, twisting it tight, “Jeeps ready.”  
   
“That doesn’t bother you,” she lowered her eyebrows.  
   
“What?”  
   
“The wandering?” she shrugged one shoulder, “It doesn’t bother you that you can come home one day and she’s just not there?”  
   
It wasn’t something she had thought about in a while, “She leaves a note, most of the time.”  
   
The subject was obviously something Tobin didn’t want to talk about so Christen decided to leave it alone, instead focusing on the newly running jeep, “So I can take it home?”  
   
“Yeah.” She smiled wide, “I can follow you down, make sure nothing happens to you.”  
   
“Why can’t you just ride with me?”  
   
Tobin was putting her tools away as she spoke, “How am I supposed to get back?”  
   
“Maybe you don’t,” she said lightly, “I mean, Kelley will probably be gone most of the night. Maybe you can spend the night with me.”  
   
Tobin could feel the pair of eyes on her as she cleaned the last wrench from the bench, inspecting it for a few seconds before placing it in its foamed cut out in the tool box. She was quiet, the way she went quiet in times when she needed to say something, but didn’t know how. Spending the night wasn’t something they ever talked about, they had the night of Thanksgiving because Kelley was on the couch, and the moment felt like they needed the closeness. All the times that Christen spent the night at the cabin, having a drink too many to drive home, they always ended their times with a few heavy kisses and Christen sleeping in Tobin’s bed and the worked up mechanic on the couch for two seconds before heading to the garage to take her mind off the fact that her girlfriend was in her bed. She spent most of her nights thinking about how wonderful it would be to share a bed with her girlfriend, to curl into each other and fall gently asleep. The night they were together, all Tobin could think about was breaking the rules, pulling Christen on top of her and satisfying all the fantasies, the ache she had in the pit of her stomach, all the want she had built up from simply being around the amazingly attractive woman.  
   
Taking the step, staying the night even if sex was off the table, it was too much. She didn’t think she could possibly soberly share a bed with someone, not yet. The closeness that came from being under the same sheets, the comfort that came from listening to them breathe, to turning over to see them sleeping soundly, that was something she just wasn’t ready for. Even if she could keep her mind out the gutter, Tobin wasn’t ready for the simple things. 

She wasn’t ready to know Christens night routine. She wasn’t ready to figure out if she put the cap back on the toothpaste, she wasn’t ready to figure out if she moisturized her face before bed. It wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but for some reason in Tobin’s mind knowing if her girlfriend slept with socks on or off was more intimate than sex. 

Knowing someone like that meant a lot more than knowing what their bodies looked like naked. Watching her brush her hair, watching her take off her makeup, looking through the crack of the bathroom door as she prepared to sleep, that meant more than being in bed with her. She wasn’t ready to know anyone else the way she use to know Sofia, she wasn’t ready to know if Christen walked faster to bed once the lights were off because deep down she was still afraid of the dark. Her heart, her mind wasn’t prepared for that level of the relationship.  
   
“Too much,” Christen whispered, “I’m sorry babe, I didn’t mean to push you.”  
   
“It’s okay,” she finally spun around, “It’s just…”  
   
“Too soon,” her anxiety built up, “I’m sorry.”  
   
“Don’t freak out,” Tobin smiled, moving closer to the now panicking woman, “I’m okay, really. I would love to spend the night, I just don’t think I’m ready.”  
   
Christen lowered her head, “I know, I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s too much pressure.”  
   
“Honey,” Tobin surprised herself with the word, but decided to push past it, “Don’t worry so much. You’re allowed to ask me things. I will always let you know.”  
   
“I don’t want to scare you,” she whispered.  
   
Tobin put her hand on the nervous woman’s cheek, “I hate to break it to you but you scare me every day.” She watched Christen look up with wide eyes, “You’re my girlfriend, and you’re amazing and perfect and something I never thought I could ever have. Every single time I see you, every time you talk to me, I’m afraid of messing up, of doing something stupid and losing you. I’m scared every day of going back to a life without you…” she paused for a second to take a breath, “And I’m scared because I never thought I’d be this happy again. It’s scary, but it’s okay, because it’s also wonderful.”  
   
Christen rushed forward kissing her so hard it took Tobin a second to get her balance and keep them up right. “You’re amazing.” She whispered into her lips, kissing her again, “I’m not going anywhere, trust me.” She let Tobin pull her in for a close hug, resting her face in the crook of her neck. “How about you come down for dinner?”  
   
“Sounds good to me,” she said holding a little tighter.  
   
   
\--  
   
   
In the apartment the roles were reversed, and Tobin enjoyed every second of it. She would lean against the counter, drinking a beer (or wine if she felt fancy) and Christen would cook. The air didn’t smell like oil and exhaust fumes, instead it was filled with spices mixed with meat getting to that perfectly cooked temperature, and bread baking in the oven. The whole scene was a stark contrast to the garage with dirt on the ground, and parts of trucks and electronics sitting on shelves. Chrsiten’s place was neat and always smelled nice, and was the perfect temperature for Tobin to go without her jacket, and let the alcohol warm her the rest of the way. 

In the apartment Tobin was the one who got to watch, she was the one who got to enjoy seeing her girlfriend move around and her mind got to wander for a second before she would reel it back in and pay attention to what she was being told. Even though their physical positions were switched the conversation was still dominated by Christen, she was just better at talking, and Tobin liked her voice.  
 

 

It wasn’t long before rabbit stew, mashed potatoes and warm bread was served and they were sitting at the table. The sun set early in the day so the low hanging light fixture bathed the room in soft light. One of the best things about the apartment was the lighting and the way it made everything look soft. The apartment was painted a pale pink, which according to Christen was horrible and reminded her of a hospital, and Tobin promised to repaint it. Honestly, she liked the pink, she liked the way it made everything look soft, the way the light made the whole room seem like a dream. She enjoyed the spending a few hours in the dream with her dream girl in a state of total happiness, so she would hold off on painting it for a little while.  
   
“This is really good,” Tobin pointed down at her bowl.  
   
“Thanks,” she smiled, “I’m really learning how to cook up here. It’s so strange, everything is so fresh. I never thought it would effect that way I cook, but it does.”  
   
With another quick spoon full of stew, she nodded in agreement. “When we first got up here it was a major adjustment. We had to hunt a lot of our food before we got the shops up and running and we could trade. Surprisingly, Thanksgiving wasn’t the first turkey Kelley ever shot. She got pretty good at hunting and fishing, I never really liked it.”  
   
“How come?”  
   
She gave her typical shoulder shrug, “I don’t want to kill anymore.”  
   
It was a simple answer, and normally Christen would have left it alone. She had made a promise to herself to let Tobin tell her things on her own time, but this question had been burning in her mind for a while. “Have you killed a lot of people? I know it’s not something you’re supposed to ask. You don’t have to answer.”  
   
“Yeah,” she answered not looking up, “I’ve killed some people. I wouldn’t say a lot. Not me at least. I’ve given the order to kill more than I’ve pulled the trigger on. I don’t know. Maybe that’s the same thing. Maybe it’s more than I’ve counted. I don’t really know what’s considered a lot in war. Maybe ten is a lot. In that case it’s more than a lot. But then again maybe fifty is a lot, and if that’s the case than I would say, not really a lot.” She shrugged again, her way of stopping herself from rambling. She looked up with a half-smile, letting Christen know she was okay.  
   
“We don’t have to talk about it,” Christen said softly, hoping to keep Tobin in a happy mood. “I was just curious, I guess.”  
   
“It’s not as big of a deal now as it was at the time,” she explained, sitting back in her chair, breaking off a piece of bread and popping it in her mouth. She looked off into the distance, her mind slipping into the past, then back again. “It wasn’t really a big deal back then either, when it was happening. It didn’t really feel like me killing anyone, you know, it was more like America killing and me doing it. Like the whole “guns don’t kill people” thing. I was the gun. I wouldn’t have done it without orders, but I guess it’s not an excuse, not really. I just, didn’t think about it back then, never let it bother me.”  
   
Watching Tobin talk without eye contact made Christen believe that the subject _was_ bothering her. Tobin wasn’t the type of person to look you directly in the eyes, she was shy with her words and shy with her looks, but whenever she was in a good mood she would at least glance, there were no glances, Christen had to follow the brown in her eyes as it flicked back in forth, always looking up at the ceiling, never down where her words could have an effect.  
   
“Does it bother you now?” Christen asked.  
   
“No,” she said quickly, “It’s the past. I don’t blame myself for killing who I thought was the enemy. None of those deaths are on me, I’ve gotten right with all that. I only blame myself for one, the only one that was my truly fault.”  
   
This made Christen sit up in her chair, “Who was it?”  
   
“Em,” Tobin said softly. She let her head fall, her eyes going to Christen, shame filled her, “I killed Emily.”  
   
 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   
 

 

_There’s a point in every war when you have to ask yourself if you’re on the right side. There’s a time when each soldier has to sit down and look inside themselves and question whether or not the still believe what they did when they signed up. You have to ask yourself if your country, if your leaders are doing the right thing. It was the invasion of the eastern half of Russia that made Tobin question her commitment to the cause.  
   
The mountains in Russia were huge, and cold, and made of jagged rock. Kunlun was a place where darkness came to reap the souls of the weak. You couldn’t have a negative thought in that place, you couldn’t be unsure of yourself, the mountain would eat you alive and spit your carcass at your friends. Three days at a peak, sitting with her team, staring down the scope of a rifle, Tobin wondered why they were there.  
   
“When’s this dude supposed to arrive?” Kelley called out.  
   
“Hush,” Tobin said waving her off, “Get back in position.”  
   
“I’m just saying we’ve been here for three days,” she cried, sitting back down near her gear, “I don’t want another fiasco like Operation Horse Shit last month.”  
   
“You mean Operation Sparky Steps in Human Shit.” JB laughed.  
   
Kelley picked up a small rock and through it at the overgrown man, “Shut up. I hate every single one of you.”  
   
“Just think Sparks,” Matt rolled over to face the group, “As soon as it’s done, we get to go home. Capture this ass hole and we are on a plane to Germany. Wives and boyfriends, and warm beds, and food that doesn’t taste like it’s been passed through a cows stomach.”  
   
Kelley laid her head back on the rock she had been using as a pillow, “Yeah, that sounds nice.” She kicked her leg over to hit the guy next to her, “Nick, tell me again about the chocolate cheese cake.”  
   
Everyone started to groan. Kelley had everyone tell stories about food whenever they were stuck somewhere eating freeze dried rations out of plastic bags. Everyone shared the same stories about their moms, or their wives cooking and how they couldn’t wait to eat it. Tobin always talked about Sofia’s taco casserole, all the cheese that melted perfectly together to make the unhealthiest dish she ever had. These kind of things kept them sane when all they wanted to do was scream.  
   
The majority of the time they spent sitting and waiting. Their team was made for one thing, extraction, and that meant a lot of time waiting for their mark. Tobin was usually the spotter for Morgan so she could rest her eyes before having to take a long shot. This time was no different. Tobin sat looking through her scope as Morgan slept next to her, the others going on about home in the background. She would have been happy there for a little while longer, but as soon as Nick got to the point in his story where chocolate sauce drips down your chin, a car showed up and it was go time.  
   
The mission didn’t take long, they were experts. A few long range shots to take out the convoys tires. Kelley radioed in their location. JB and Matt rushed down the mountain to capture the target, all the while Tobin and Morgan gave cover fire. The whole thing took around fifteen minutes, faster than the last one, and Tobin was headed down to the vehicle to see the target. It was when she opened the door, saw the man in his black uniform laying over a woman in plane clothes. The target was transporting his wife, taking her somewhere safe, and they had ambushed them.  
   
Orders were orders and JB pulled the guy out the car. They argued for a second about what to do about the woman, leave her or take her, but Tobin was reminded about protocol, about what had to happen. So as the rest of them walked away from the scene, Morgan, cold and calculated as always, stayed behind. They didn’t hear the shot, the sniper was good enough to use a silencer so the team wouldn’t hear. She came jogging up to the team about three minutes later and Tobin knew exactly what happen, everyone knew. Kelley quickly brought up food again, and everyone went back to their normal life.  
   
The thought of it, a civilian whose only tie to the war was the person she married, that’s who was in the car. They didn’t know who else would be riding with their targets whenever they were assigned, and yet each time they had to eliminate them for fear of them running and telling someone important about what happened. It wasn’t right, at least that’s what Tobin thought. She asked Morgan about it, since she was always the one to pull the trigger on most of the kills they racked up. The sniper didn’t mind, she didn’t mind much of anything. Matt later told Tobin that Morgan was chosen because she didn’t see killing as something she was doing, more of something she was accomplishing, like a task that had to be completed, and as long as she saw it that way the people she killed weren’t people, just targets that needed to be hit and that let her sleep like a baby. There was a part of Tobin that wanted to question it, but forcing a sniper to deal with the deaths she had caused wasn’t the best idea, so she left it alone.  
   
   
The return to camp was supposed to be happy, but as they walked in, a load of fresh Marines were getting an in-processing brief and one of the faces in the crowd was SSgt Emily O’Hara.  
   
“What are you doing here?” Kelley questioned, pulling her wife from the group.  
   
Emily lowered her eyebrows, “I told you I was coming over here.”  
   
“When?” she scoffed.  
   
“Two days ago Kelley,” Emily crossed her arms, “I told you I was coming to Russia.”  
   
“I didn’t have coms,” she shook her head, “I didn’t get your message.”  
   
The blonde reached out and touched her wife’s arm, comforting her in a way only she knew how to do, “I’m sorry love, I thought you got the message. I thought you’d be back from mission before I got here.”  
   
“I don’t get it,” Kelley shook her head, “You shouldn’t be here.”  
   
“Why?” She laughed, then quickly turned serious when she saw the look on Kelley’s face, “Love, my whole job is talking to locals, figuring out what they need from us.”  
   
Kelley shook her head, “You shouldn’t be here. It’s too close to the action Em. Something could happen to you.”  
   
“Oh, but its okay for you to be here?”  
   
“That’s not what I meant,” she was digging herself into a hole, “I just mean, you can do your job over there, in Germany, away from gunshots.”  
   
“You could have been an electrician over there, in Germany, away from gunshots,” she snapped, planting herself in her stance, “Here you are. What makes you different than me.”  
   
“Em, please…”  
   
“Sparks,” Matt called out, “We have to debrief, argue later.”  
   
Kelley turned to the guy and gave a quick wave before turning back to her wife, “I have to go do this. But I’m coming back. We are going to figure this out.”  
   
“There’s nothing to figure out. I’m here. I’m a Marine. This is already figured out.” She said with attitude.  
 _

_—_

_The debrief was quick, their commander going over everything that happened as the team sat around listening. Tobin had to clarify a few things, and justify a few actions, but at the end the mission was deemed a success and everyone was released.  
   
Kelley ran up behind Tobin, grabbing her shoulder and stopping her from going into their locker room. “Dude, you have to do something.”  
   
“About what?” she questioned, her tone harsh as her eyes were struggling to be kept open.  
   
“Emily,” she cried, reminding her best friend of the train wreck of a situation. “You have to help me get her out of here.”  
   
Tobin rubbed her hands across her face, the smell of gun oil going up her nose, “What can I even do Kels. I don’t have the power to get her out of here.”  
   
“You have to do something Tobin.” Kelley’s voice was strained, “She can’t be here. This place get’s bombed like four times a day. She can’t live here.”  
   
“It’s six months,” Tobin told her, feeling more desperate as the conversation went on, “And none of those bombs even hit the base.”  
   
“One did two weeks ago,” she point out.  
   
“Lucky shot.”  
   
“Tobin!” she put her hand on her friends chest, pressing her palm into her so hard she could feel her heart beat. “Please help me. I need you to do something. You have those stupid bars on your collar for a reason. Call in a favor. Tell anyone that we will do anything. Just find a way to get her out of here and back home. Please.” She let her head fall, shaking it back and forth for a second, “Tobin, I never ask you for anything. I have your back through everything. I need you to do this. I need you to get my wife out of here.”  
   
All the years together and Tobin had never seen her best friend so desperate. She could feel the nervous frightened energy coming off her. The only clear thing running through her mind at the time was, “What if it was Sofia?’ Kelley would go to hell and kill Lucifer if it meant keeping Sofia safe. There wasn’t much Tobin could do, but she had to try.  
   
“Okay, I’ll talk to some people.”  
   
Kelley put her arms around her friends neck, “Thank you.”  
   
   
   
Tobin found herself sitting in a command section watching a bunch of screens that showed other teams on missions. This was where the higher ups watched everyone carrying out their orders via a satellite in space strong enough to read what you wrote on a paper on a mountain top. Tobin imagined how her team looked on screen, in the green night vision, or the grey day feed. How dis she look sitting there telling her team to quiet down for the thousands time as they got too rowdy. Did she look professional? Did she look in control? The more she wondered, the more she realized she didn’t really care how she looked._

_“Lieutenant Heath,” a deep voice said, “Now, how can I help you?”_

_The man was tall, almost too tall to be real. He had a thin frame, the kind that said he worked out, but it was mostly running. His short cropped hair was greying on the sides, but still had a hint of his youthful brown on the top. The lines in his face showed his age, showed the time he spent in the sun. The way he stood up straight, even though there were plenty of places for him to lean, or rest, or even sit if he wanted, that told Tobin the he enjoyed the high ground his height gave him. His uniform was fitted, pressed, the pockets laid perfectly flat and the black eagle sewed into his collar made Tobin swallow when she saw it._

_“Colonel Massey,” Tobin stood up straight, her hands behind her back, elbows stiff, the perfect parade rest. “Thank you for talking with me.”_

_“Of course Lieutenant. The commander of one of our best strike teams ask for an audience, I say yes.” He had a thick southern draw that showed no sign of thinning even though he had been around the world and back._

_Tobin gave a half smile, one that said she was grateful for the talk, but still professional and here on a mission. “Colonel, I’m here to ask a favor. I know you don’t owe me anything close to a favor, but I’m asking anyways with the promise to return it at a later date.”_

_He moved his head ever so slightly, his impeccable military bearing keeping his shock cloaked, “A favor. What could I possibly do for you Lieutenant?”_

_“Sir, you’re in charge of the new team that arrived, correct?”_

_“That I am.”_

_She stood firm, trying to show her power to the clearly more powerful man, “I’m here to ask you to send one of them home. SSgt Emily O’Hara.”_

_“Now that’s a name I know,” He started to move around, touching his hand to his chin, “She came highly recommended from her CO in Germany. Why would I send her home?”_

_“It’s my communications NCO,” Tobin followed the man with her eyes, shifting in her stance only to keep him in view, “SSgt O’Hara is her wife and she is… I don’t know how else to put it… Emotional about it.”_

_“Tons of people or emotional about their spouses being over here Lieutenant. I don’t know why this is such a special case.” He stopped moving and looked her right in the eye, “You’re going to have to give me more than that.”_

_Tobin wanted to lower her head, submit in a strange way, but she stood strong, “Sir, my NCO, I rely on her for more than just communications. SSgt O’Hara is also my electrician and the soul reason my team has made it out of some pretty messed up situations. She won’t be able to concentrate on the mission if she is thinking about her wife here on this base where bombs come pretty close almost every day. We are operating without regular coms, without contact with our family, the next mission we go one, her mind will only be on what’s happening here on base instead of what’s happening in front of her and I can’t have that. I need my team strong and sharp, and the best way is to send SSgt Emily O’Hara home.”_

_He nodded his head a sly smile coming to his lips, “Nice speech Lieutenant, I’m assuming you made all that up on the fly.”_

_“Yes, Sir.” Tobin matched his smile._

_“I understand what you are saying, and I don’t want anyone distracted out there.” He paused for a second, his hands going behind his back as he took a couple of steps towards Tobin. “I’ll get O’Hara on the next Helo out of here, for the good of the team.” He took a few more steps until he was almost shoulder to shoulder with her. “This is a huge asking, and one day, maybe one day soon, I will come asking Lt. Heath, and I expect full corporation, without question, from you and your team.”_

_She swallowed hard, her heart slamming in her chest, “Yes Sir.”_

_By the time Tobin got out the the flight line the news had already traveled to Emily who was screaming at Kelley. Tobin made her way out and found Morgan sitting inside and open hangar watching the fight go down but unable to hear anything because the helicopters were starting up._

_“How’s that?” Tobin asked sitting down on the bench next to her friend._

_“She’s pissed,” Morgan replied her slight southern accent coming out._

_Leaning forward and resting her head in her hands, Tobin watched the two women fight, Emily poking Kelley in the chest. “Yeah, she’s pissed.”_

_“How’d you do it?” Morgan asked, blowing a bubble with the gum she was chewing._

_“Col. Massey.” She replied simply._

_Morgan popped the bubble, pulling the gum back in her mouth, “The Bulldog. That was bold.”_

_“Yeah,” she sat up, “It was better than Col. Welsh.”_

_“Oh yeah, he’s a pervert. Probably would have made you… well you know.” She chuckled to herself. “What’d you promise Massey?”_

_Tobin shook her head, shivering at the idea of having to do something horrible to get Emily off the base. “A favor… From all of us.”_

_“Shit,” Morgan snorted, “Probably going to have to kill a bunch of people.”_

_She nodded, taking a deep breath, “Figured.” She watched as the O’Hara’s hugged, Emily still slapping Kelley’s back, their way of saying I love you but I’m still angry. “Worth it.”_

_“Yup,” she laughed at the scene in front of them, “Better to get EmO out of harms way.”_

_After another hug, a kiss, and a quick punch in the shoulder from Emily, the now throughly yelled at Kelley was walking towards the hangar. She flashed Tobin a quick smile, before sitting down on the bench to watch the helicopter take off._

_“Thanks,” Kelley said, as the chopper taxied towards the runway and they could finally hear each other._

_“No problem,” Tobin told her, clapping her on the back. “Easy peasy.”_

_“I know it wasn’t lemon squeezy,” Kelley said turning her head to look at her friend, “I know you had to make promises, and I’ll be right beside you when they come calling.”_

_“You better be,” Tobin snorted._

_They were quiet as the helicopter got to the take off point and started in the air. Tobin knew exactly what the favor was most likely going to be. The team only killed people in order to extract a target, but there were other teams, kill teams, ones sent for one goal only, and there was a good chance that’s what they were about to be turned into._

_The United States was losing this war, they may have been making ground, taking land, but they were losing money and the faith of the people. Turning the team into a death squad wasn’t going to help and it was only going to make Tobin question her purpose in this war._

_Kelley leaned back, visibly relaxing as the chopper started towards the mountains, “Seriously Tobin, thank you.”_

_“Don’t mention it.”_

_“I have to, she wouldn’t be on the Helo if it wasn’t for you,” Kelley smiled her eyes shinning in the dimming light, “You really came through bud. I love you.”_

_“Don’t get all weird on me,” Morgan joked._

_“Shut up,” Kelley laughed. She turned back to Tobin, “Thank you.”_

_“Of course bud,” Tobin smiled back, “I’d do anything for you.”_

_They both turned to watch the chopper start to make its way out of view. As it flew closer to the mountain, and line of smoke from the surface started into the air. Before anyone could ask what it was, it hit the helicopter, blowing it up in mid air, the wreckage falling to the ground scattering in the mountains._

_Morgan was the first one to stand up, “Shit.” She said in a hushed tone, then turned to run out the hangar._

_Tobin stood up next, taking a few steps forward, her whole body numb. She couldn’t take her eyes off the smoke rising from the mountains. She could hear the alarms going off, the sound that was meant to get them into position. She could see the people start to run towards the grounded helicopter, rescue teams gearing up to go to the wreckage, special operations teams ready to take out the enemy. Their team usually responded to things like this, just back ups for rescue teams, there to pull anyone out if they needed it. Tobin heard the loud bell blasting, but it was almost like the sound was muted as she watched the grey smoke turn black indicating that the fuel had ignited._

_She turned to see her best friend still sitting on the bench, her face cold, unblinking, unable to process what was happening. Tobin was shouting at her, yelling things that she couldn’t remember, but Kelley never moved. She stayed sitting on the bench until all the teams were up in the air headed for the rescue. She didn’t move until Tobin dropped to her knees, her head in Kelley’s lap, sobbing so hard it rocked her body, that’s when Kelley moved, simply putting her hand on Tobin’s head, comforting her._

 

__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tobin looked up, Christen has switched seats during the story, now sitting next to Tobin, their chairs turned out to face each other. She could feel the tears falling down her cheeks, the memory so overwhelming she didn’t have control over her emotions.

“They didn’t find anything,” her voice was scratchy, she reached up and pushed some of the tears away. “Her dog tags, that was it. They gave them to Kelley the next day, apologizing for her loss.” She sat forward in her chair letting her head hang. “She didn’t speak for two weeks, not a single word. The team, we all had to speak for her, well they did. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there as they filled out all the paperwork, got us sent home for the funeral. I just sat there as everyone figured everything out for my best friend. I didn’t know how to be. I was the reason Emily was dead. How in the world was I supposed to help plan her funeral.”

“Tobin, that was not your fault,” Christen interrupted her for the first time, “You didn’t cause her death.”

“But I did.” She sounded so small in her efforts to try and not cry. “I was the reason she was on the Helo. I asked for her to be sent home. I could have told Kelley no. I could have said that it couldn’t be done. I could have lied and said I tried but got denied. I could have stopped it, I should have, but I was wrapped up in my best friend and how she felt more than what was best for the mission. If I would have thought like a leader and not like a friend Emily would still be here.”

“You don’t know that…”

“Yes I do,” she covered her face with her hands. “I do. They would have been okay, both of them. They would have a family. They would be happy. Because of me Emily is dead and Kelley is a mess.”

Christen scooted forward in her chair, grabbing Tobin’s hands and pulling them from her face. “I have no idea what you guys went through. I can’t speak for all the things that you did, or that happened to you, but I can speak for this.” She leaned forward forcing Tobin to look at her. “You did not kill Emily O’Hara. That was not your fault.”

“But I…”

“No,” she moved closer, getting out of the chair and knelling in front of the crying girl, “That was not your fault. Tobin, you did not kill Emily. You are a good person.”

The words hit Tobin like a punch in the chest. She hadn’t ever thought about it before, how she saw herself. She could see herself as a wreck, as a puzzle, as a killer, as a monster, but she could never see herself as a good person. After all the things she did, all the deaths she caused, how could she ever see herself as a good person.

“I’m not,” she said in a whisper, “I’m a monster.”

“No!” Christen squeezed her hands, “You are not a monster. If you were a monster would Kelley still be around? Would JB still want you to go see him? Would Alex want to be your friend? Would this whole town want to be your friend? Tobin Heath, you are not a monster, you are a good person. Bad things happened to you. You had to do horrible things for terrible people in the name of a horrible war, but that doesn’t make you a monster. You are kind and loving and generous and patient. You are a good person. You’re my favorite person.”

A small smile came to her face, the words soothing her aching heart, “How?”

“Because, you’re amazing,” Christen answered with a light laugh, “You’re the best person I know, and I have no idea how I am even here with you.”

“No way,” Tobin smiled, wiping the tears from her cheeks. 

With a smile, Christen reached up to help get the moister from her face, “Yes way. I think you are the most amazing person in the world and I’m lucky that I get to call you my girlfriend.”

Tobin looked down into the green eyes peering up at her, “I’m the lucky one.”

“Let’s agree we are both lucky.” She giggled. 

“Yeah, okay.” Tobin laughed with her. 

Almost as soon as the emotion took over, it was gone, with Christen padding her thumb across her cheeks to get the last of the tears, suddenly Tobin was okay. The guilt over her friends death it left a hole in her heart, it had been there for a long time, this giant wound that tried to heal, becoming smaller as time passed, but a small wound was always there and Tobin believed it would it would never go away. She had come to terms that she would always bleed for the idea she was the reason Emily was gone, even if Kelley had told her it wasn’t her fault, even though she spent nights crying into Sofia’s lap, even though she was healed from the disaster, she still felt the aftermath even now. Hearing Christen say that she was a good person, that it wasn’t her fault for some reason it resinated, helping the small hole to finally and truly start to heal. 

Christen looked up at her girlfriend, “You’re really beautiful.”

“I’m crying,” Tobin said a with a small laugh. 

“I know,” she said with a smile, “You’re still beautiful.”

While the sadness still had a hold on her Tobin couldn’t help the feelings inside her and looking at Christen she couldn’t stop herself from leaning down and capturing her lips, pulling her into a deep kiss. As the kiss got more heated, Tobin’s body was moving without her control and she could feel herself reach down and pull her girlfriend up, picking up the smaller woman just enough to sit her down in her lap. Their hands started to roam each other’s bodies, and before Tobin could stop herself, she had her hands up Christen’s shirt, pulling it over her head, and tossing it to the side. 

In that moment she didn’t care about waiting, she didn’t want to stop and think about the consequences all she wanted was to kiss every inch of Christen’s chest, to taste her skin and breathe her in. Tobin could feel her girlfriend pushing her chest out, as she placed hot open mouth kissed right over the swell of her breast. She didn’t think, she didn’t want to as her hand traveled up her girlfriend smooth back and reached for the clasp of her bra.

“Wait.” Christen said in an airy voice, “Baby, wait.”

Tobin leaned back, opening her eyes, taking in Christen’s almost bare chest, “What’s wrong?”

She cupped Tobin’s face in her hands, “We have to stop, or…”

“I want to,” she cut her off. Eyes wide, the air heavy in her lungs, she breathed out, “I want to do this.”

Shaking her head, the younger woman leaned down placing a soft kiss on her lips, “No you don’t, not yet. You’re upset, and all this feels really good, but it’s not what you want. It’s not what you need right now.”

“I need you,” Tobin pushed her face forward to kiss between her breast, “I want you. I want this.”

“And I want you, I want this too,” she replied pulling Tobin’s head up, “But not yet, not like this.”

She was right, Tobin knew it, even if she didn’t want to admit it whenever Christen was in her lap with her shirt off. She wanted to keep going because the feeling would be amazing, it would drown out all the sorrow she felt after bringing up such a painful memory, but it wasn’t what she needed, not yet. So she placed one more kiss to her girlfriends collar bone, and another to her lips, before letting her stand up and put her shirt back on. 

 

Tobin watched in silence as Christen cleared the table, putting the dishes in the sink. She watched as she cleaned the kitchen a little, just to satisfy her need or things to be neat. She thought about how Christen would most likely finish cleaning after she was gone, and the thought made Tobin sad, not the idea of Christen cleaning but of her doing it alone. Without words, Tobin walked over and started to run the water, grabbing a sponge and cleaning off plates, handing them over to dry. 

After the last pot was cleaned, they stood looking at each other, the small task serving to set them back on their path together.

“Thanks for helping me.” Christen smiled. 

“Of course.” She replied simply. Something inside her longed for more time, longed to be around for a little longer, to not go home to an empty house. “Can I stay here?”

“Yes,” she said quickly, grinning as she reached out for Tobin’s hands, “Of course you can.”

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” she said knowing she wasn’t ready to sleep in the bed as much as she wasn’t ready to go home. “I just kind of want to be here.”

“I understand,” she nodded, moving closer to put her arms around the nervous woman waist. “I want you here too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading you guys, I know it was a rough one, but we are getting into the explanations everyone is longing for. I appreciate all the comments and I try to answer all the questions. You can hit me up on Tumblr if you are dying for some answers. 
> 
> Again thank you so much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks everyone!


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